Hi,
I wrote a sales email in English (for the first time!). Please brush it up or give any suggestion. (if this isn't the right place to ask, just tell me so. I don't mean to bother anyone.)

Hi, this message is to inform you of my translation service. Recently I've found that your hotel is introduced in "****," the most sold guidebook in Japan, and yet your website hasn't been arranged for the Japanese. As you probably know, most Japanese do not speak English and therefore, I believe, preparing the website in Japanese will benefit both you and your potential customers.

Since I am just staring up this business, I'd like to offer you the competitive rate of $0.** per word, limited from now until May 31, 2010. The good-quality is guaranteed. No need to pay if you were not satisfied.

If you are interested or have any further questions, please do not hesitate to contact me at ****.

many many thanks

Jim
Hi Jim. Your letter starts informal then jumps between foraml and informal. You also make yourself sound a bit of a novice therefore as a customer would I trust you? Your sign off makes you sound like you are pleading as well as being repeatative.

If I was writting the letter it would read like:

Dear (NAME)

Recently I noticed that your hotel is in ????, which is the preferred guidebook in Japan. Having visited your website, I noticed that no option is currently available for your potential Japanese visitors to view the website in their native language. Translating the website to Japanese would benefit both yourself and you future customers from Japan.

(NAME OF COMPANY) translation services have a special promotion running to the 31st of May 2010. I am delighted to be able to offer you a discounted rate of ### per word. (NAME OF COMPANY) guarantees the quality of its translations, and will give a full refund to any of its customers who aren't completely satisfied.

For further information please contact me at______________________________ (or visit our website)?

Yours Truly

Jim ###
Thank you for taking time, Dava. I appreciate you very much.

When I read your writing the difference is obvious while you are still on the same track as mine. (I mean, thankfully, you still use the basic idea for the writing) It seems like I need more and more experience.

Thank you again, I wish I spoke Portuguese.
Jim
PS. and thanks for the advice, too