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Hello teachers!

I'm a student in Korea, learning English writing.

I wrote an essay with four paragraphs.

Please correct any grammar mistakes or unnatural expressions.

Thanks a lot in advance ;D

English Immersion Programs in Korea.

Recently, as a new method of English teaching, English Immersion Programs has been spotlighted in Korea. In this program, English is a medium for teaching and learning several different subjects such as math, science and even English itself. As proved in several studies, the program enhances intercultural understanding and motivates students for further studies. Most of all, it makes possible for students to be bilinguals not dedicating extra hours for studying English only. Despite those striking advantages, I have a doubt whether it's good to adopt the program. In this essay, I suggest to adopt a Partial-Immersion Program teaching a few subjects in English instead of Full-Immersion Program as a altered form.

First, Partial-Immersion Program gives students time to adopt to a new language learning system. Let's say there are students who are good at all of the subjects except English or have no interest only in English. Their test score for math might be great. However, when the math class is taught in English, it might be a overburden for those students and it may be the cause of a drop in score. For these students, it is inhumane to have them sit down and take all the classes presented in English. Students, especially who are not familiar with English, need enough time to get used to learning in a new surroundings. Taking a few classes conveyed in English for a certain amount of time will guide students to the new surroundings.

Another reason that I insist on introducing a Partial-Immersion Program is that there is a possibility forgetting students' own identities. As many of you have noticed, the appropriate age for learning a second language is between 4 to 12. I assume that the identity of each students has not established firmly yet. We are unlike Canada or Hongkong where the country is adjacent to other language speaking country or uses English as a second language. Korean need to learn English because English has grown in importance in light of globalization. The language of a country presents one's identity. If students are to learn another language, it is never late to learn a new one after establishing their own identity first.

It is certain that Immersion Programs are one of the remarkable programs in teaching and learning English. Even though adopting such a wonderful program is welcomed, we should be careful to adopt a new language learning system suited to our learning environments. In this respect, a Partial-Immersion Program is the most appropriate version for teaching and learning in English in Korea.
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I was going to try to explain every single change, but there are too many. This is because I'm fussy, not because your work isn't good. I'll just give you my suggested re-wording of your article. My re-wording is not the most appropriate, clear or concise way, and it's likely that other native English speakers will disagree with me on some points. Even I don't think it's very good! So take it with a grain of salt!
EllisaEnglish Immersion Programs in Korea.
Recently, as a new method of English teaching, English Immersion Programs has been spotlighted in Korea. In this program, English is a medium for teaching and learning several different subjects such as math, science and even English itself. As proved in several studies, the program enhances intercultural understanding and motivates students for further studies. Most of all, it makes possible for students to be bilinguals not dedicating extra hours for studying English only. Despite those striking advantages, I have a doubt whether it's good to adopt the program. In this essay, I suggest to adopt a Partial-Immersion Program teaching a few subjects in English instead of Full-Immersion Program as a altered form.
Recently a new method of English teaching, the English Immersion Program, has been under the spotlight in Korea. In this program, subjects such as math, science and even English itself are taught in the English language. Several studies have shown that the program enhances intercultural understanding and motivates students to further their studies. Most importantly, it makes students bilingual without requiring extra study time to be dedicated to the English language. Despite those striking advantages, I think the program can be improved. In this essay, I propose a Partial English Immersion Program, where only a few subjects are taught in English, as a modified form of the Full

Immersion Program.

Important comment: I changed the use of "further" from an adjective ("motivates students for further studies") to a verb ("motivates students to further their studies").
EllisaFirst, Partial-Immersion Program gives students time to adopt to a new language learning system. Let's say there are students who are good at all of the subjects except English or have no interest only in English. Their test score for math might be great. However, when the math class is taught in English, it might be a overburden for those students and it may be the cause of a drop in score. For these students, it is inhumane to have them sit down and take all the classes presented in English. Students, especially who are not familiar with English, need enough time to get used to learning in a new surroundings. Taking a few classes conveyed in English for a certain amount of time will guide students to the new surroundings.
A Partial Immersion Program would give students more time to adjust to learning in a new language. Some students may be poor at, or not interested in, the English language. They may be good at math, but if the math class is taught in English, this extra burden may compromise their ability to learn. I think it's inhumane to force these students to take all their classes in English language. All students need time to become accustomed to learning in their new environment, especially students who are not familiar with English, and these changes would be easier if only a subset of classes were taught in English language, at least to start with.
EllisaAnother reason that I insist on introducing a Partial-Immersion Program is that there is a possibility forgetting students' own identities. As many of you have noticed, the appropriate age for learning a second language is between 4 to 12. I assume that the identity of each students has not established firmly yet. We are unlike Canada or Hongkong where the country is adjacent to other language speaking country or uses English as a second language. Korean need to learn English because English has grown in importance in light of globalization. The language of a country presents one's identity. If students are to learn another language, it is never late to learn a new one after establishing their own identity first.
A Partial Immersion Program would also help preserve students' cultural identities. Second languages are best learnt between four and 12 years of age, but at this age, the identity of each student is not yet firmly established. Korea is unlike Canada or Hong Kong, which are adjacent to countries where different languages are spoken, or use English as a second language. Koreans need to learn English because English has grown in importance due to globalization. The native language of a country is part of a person's identity. It is never too late for a person to learn a second language after establishing their cultural identity first.

Comment: "between 4 to 12" is a definite no-no. It should be either "between 4 and 12" or "from 4 to 12". Also, numbers up to ten are normally spelt out. Not always, though - it's a judgement call, but in this case I would spell it out. Actually I would also spell out "twelve" in this case, but most people probably wouldn't.
EllisaIt is certain that Immersion Programs are one of the remarkable programs in teaching and learning English. Even though adopting such a wonderful program is welcomed, we should be careful to adopt a new language learning system suited to our learning environments. In this respect, a Partial-Immersion Program is the most appropriate version for teaching and learning in English in Korea.
Certainly, Immersion Programs are remarkably good at teaching English, and I welcome them, but I think we must ensure that our language learning system is properly suited to our learning environments. This is why I think a Partial Immersion Program is the most appropriate English-language teaching and learning system for Korea.

My general criticism of your writing style is that it's unnecessarily long-winded. Partly this is because you need to improve your vocabulary and get familiar with words that have subtle meanings and implications, which can often be used to concisely express an idea that might take half a sentence to explain using more basic words, and partly it's because nearly every sentence is explicit and complete within itself - you are expressing your ideas as a series of steps, using sentences where ideas overlap.

In English, at least, you can use ideas from previous sentences to make a sentence simpler without obscuring its meaning. In this article, you're talking about students, a particular type of students, classes, languages and teaching, and these ideas permeate the whole article and don't need to be explicitly stated in every sentence.

For example, you wrote "Their test score for math might be great. However, when the math class is taught in English, it might be a overburden for those students and it may be the cause of a drop in score", which I changed to "They may be good at math, but if the math class is taught in English, this extra burden may compromise their ability to learn", which is a good example of both of these problems, and how they can be fixed. Making sentences shorter and more concise makes it easier to combine two (or even three) sentences into a single sentence, without confusing the reader. There's a lovely little book on writing style called "The Elements of Style" by Strunk and White, which emphasises clarity and conciseness, and has lots of good examples.

Actually there's a lot more that could be done to improve the flow and conciseness of this article, but this is a good start.

Again, please understand that I'm very fussy and picky. Please don't feel bad about your effort just because I've picked so many holes in it. I'm just a picky person!
Comments  
Dear Kris.

I guess you are in NZ now, I have been to Auckland for about an year to study English language and culture. I miss the Santa at Queens st.!!!

I do appreciate for your kind explanation, correction and criticism.

Reading the corrected essay, I was quite surprised because it was just like a good example of a writing book. I cannot imagine I write an essay like you but as you advised, I'm going to start practicing writing. I already ordered the book(4th ed, written in 2000) which you suggested.;D

Again, thank you very much for everything you have done for me.

Take care!