Please give me advice about ma letter of motivation

here it is :

Personal details
First name
Last name
Address
Tel/fax :
e-mail :

Subject: Inscription in Master d' Architecture
(My city), (date)

Dear Mister Director of registration,

After a French baccalaureat STT, I directed myself towards architecture, my passion, and I obtained my diploma of the first cycle of the studies of architecture, the DEFA.

This basic training enabled me to acquire a good knowledge of architecture and the manner of designing the buildings in a french way.

My African origins had already allowed me to attend the construction of traditional houses.
I would like now, while studying in a Canadian university, to widen my knowledge with North-American architecture and more precisely with the Canadian architecture which is different from that of France on many points.

At the time of my passage to "Pacific Gateway International College of Toronto" I had the honor to see me awarded as an " exceptional student".
I obtained the TOEFL as I passed to Toronto (Canada).

I think of having the necessary level to carry out a second cycle of studies in Canada and the portfolio attached should support my request favorably.

My final ambition is to return to work in my country of origin and for this reason I would like to be able to bind in a harmonious way the richness of indigenous traditional construction to the audacity of American architecture.

I thus have the honor, Mister the Director of registration, to request my inscription in Master of Architecture.
Hoping sincerely that this request will be accepted I remain

sincerely yours

( my Signature)

Enclosure: CV, copy of diplomas etc...
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Thank you so much for your help and this site.
Hello,

Nice and brief and to the point, well done, but I think you need to clarify one thing in particular.

You speak of a wish to return to your country of origin - is this France or another country (you mention being of African origin but this could just mean of African descent, not necessarily that you personally come from Africa). In any case, Africa is a huge continent and it wouldn't hurt to be more precise. If indeed you are from Africa, and intend to return there, this would really make you stand out from other applicants and should be made more of.

I do not like this sentence:
I thus have the honor, Mister the Director of registration, to request my inscription in Master of Architecture.

I would suggest you rework it, if needed at all as you say what you want in the next sentence, but especially the Mister the Director of registration part sounds odd. Do you have their name? It is not appropriate to use Mr then job title. Also, if you do not have their name, how do you know they are a Mr?

Good luck with your application and future studies.

Something else just occurs to me? Is the university in an English or French speaking province of Canada? If in a French speaking part perhaps your application should be in French. Did you research this?
Oh yes!!Thank you!! I didn't notice that I wasn't precise enough about my return, indeed I was talking about working in Africa.

about the director, i don't know if it's about a man or a woman, I just had an adress where to send my application form, i think it's an office of inscription.

What can I say instead?? Maybe I should just erase it...

For the french universities, I wrote a letter in french ( I speack french fluently so it was easier...).

This letter is for the english universities.
Teachers: We supply a list of EFL job vacancies
You are welcome.

good luck.