These are four drafts of my poem. Please help me improvise, or rather, let me know which is better...

1)

The continuous creaking sound

Of the crickets

In the tree next to my window

Was ringing in my ears,

Long after I shut the window down,

Disturbing my peace of mind.

The sweet chirping sound

Of the sparrows

In the tree next to my window

Was a melodious wake-up call

Forcing me out of my bed

To have a look at the beautiful world.

2)

Creaking sound of crickets

In the oak tree

Next to my window

Ringing in the ears

Long after the window is shut away

From the redundant disturbance.

Melodious chirping of sparrows

In the mango tree

Next to my window

Rings in a new day

Forcing the doors open

To a beautiful world.

3)

Disturbing cricket sounds

Takes away the peace of mind

In the wee hours of the night.

Melodious chirping of sparrows

Brings in a new hope

In the first light of a beautiful world.

4)

Crickets

Creaking sound

Late night

Very disturbing.

Sparrows

Melodious sound

Early dawn

Beautiful world.
Frankly I liked the 1st version at first but then 2nd sounded nicer. First stanza was good but we can make 2nd stanza look better by changing just two words I think;

Melodious chirping of sparrows

In the mango tree

Next to my window

Rings in a new day

Forcing the doors open

To a high-spirited day..
By the way do you mind if I ask u sth? It's a bit irrelevant but I just wondered.Have you recieved my mail? If so, is it ok if I send you interesting forwards sometimes?
Try out our live chat room.
Hello Anita

Why not keep all 4 versions?

You could think of it as 'Theme & Variations'.

MrP
Thanks Mr.P. I was thinking of that too. Even then, I would appreciat if you could tell me as to which one is good. Do you think I could write it in even more ways?
I don't see why not. Have you come across Wallace Stevens' "Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Blackbird"?

Will think about it and stop by tomorrow!

MrP
Students: We have free audio pronunciation exercises.
Of course, I have read that beautiful poem with a very beautiful opening and beautiful ending.
"Among twenty snowy mountains,
The only moving thing
Was the eye of the blackbird." are my favorite lines.
And also,'It was evening all afternoon'.That's a beautiful line.
And also,
"I do not know which to prefer,
The beauty of inflections
Or the beauty of innuendoes,
The blackbird whistling
Or just after."
 
Sorry got carried away.But,that poem is different from what I have here, right? Waiting for your comments, Mr.P.
Hello Anita

Yes, I like those lines from Stevens too! No particular relevance, though; I was thinking of it as a 'theme and variations' poem.

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Just a few suggestions:

1)

The continuous creaking sound => The continuous creaking

Long after I shut the window down, => Long after I shut the window

Was a melodious wake-up call ] I'm not sure about 'wake-up call'. Over here, it's a slightly newspapery phrase.

2)

Long after the window is shut away

From the redundant disturbance.] I'm not sure about these two lines.

3)

Takes away the peace of mind => Take away peace of mind

In the wee hours of the night.] I'm not sure 'wee hours' belongs here; 'early hours' perhaps.

4)

Very disturbing.] A slight sense of anti-climax.

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See you,

MrP