Hi how are you... How are you doing?? i just wnat to share my short story which is full of mistakes... i need your help to improve it and make it more showing than telling...

Thanks Alot...

The Story:

The doors and the windows were closing and being locked carefully. Soon the town streets were left empty as they had been for along time ago. “Thanks goodness, no one seems to be here or they going to face...,” Dan exclaimed delicately before being pushed sideways and silenced by Ned. “What’s the matter with you? Ahh, do you think that being your smaller brother means I have to get permission to talk or not? Huh? Don’t even think of that...” Dan continues furiously. Ned replied with anger in his eyes, “you are an idiot and imbecile Dan, couldn’t you see the officer Fitzpatrick and his men coming toward us? Huh? Listen to me; this is your last chance. So stop your namby-pamby actions...” Dan breaks in with a laugh, “Is that supposed to be funny?” There were a few moments silence after this conversation before Hart turned up to them and gave them a steady gaze, “We can move on now, we are safe, they are gone,” he whispered with concern.

Before making any move Ned called everyone for a quick conversation. “As all of you know we are only a few miles away from the Euroa bank. We have been observing the bank staff and their routine over several weeks and it’s the right time for a robbery as the court will be in a session right now. Be responsible for every single move you make, otherwise you are going to lose your heads or be arrested by the police...”. Having accomplished their plan, the four fugitives, mounted on marvelous horses, which had been stolen from a nearby paddock (stables), they rode towards the Euroa Bank with all the aspects of the robbery has been worked out in advance.

On the way to the bank, the four outlaws found a poor hawker, selling brand new outfits of clothes. Unfortunately they took him to the ground with their guns carelessly, seconds later he was dead, and then they stole everything he has. Joe said lightly with a laugh and smile on his face, “That’s what hawkers deserve...” The watch needle was pointing at four o’clock now. With nothing to stop them robbing the bank, Ned entered the bank first as to the plan, and started shooting with his guns anyone in his way innocent people, women, and even children without any kindness and clemency. You would only hear the sound of gunshots and the people crying and screaming from the frightening aspects. Soon the bank was in silence and stillness. Everybody was murdered now, except for the Kelly Gang. Ned shouted to the others in a rush, “You two (pointing at Dan and Hart) collect whatever you find in these people pockets. Joe and me will go looking for the bank coffers.” Ned found the coffers and filled a big sugar bag with silver and gold coins, bank notes and nearly 31 ounces of unminted gold. The incursion had barely taken half an hour with a total haul of £2000, and soon they were out of the town.

please help me...

Regards,

Moody...
This looks like, nice, but make more immagination, what is the mobile of the robbery, what kind of relationship they have got ? immagine a story long before, falling in this situation, and after the robbery, shall they share, what they had stolen, instead police, since there are horses, why not use a sheriff's story...

Go ahead, this seems nice
Cut down the adjectives. Angrily, with anger in his eyes, with concern, etc etc. Show, don't tell. e.g. Dan flashed his bloodshot eyes at Ned (or something like that)

The doors and the windows were closing and being locked carefully. Soon the town streets were left empty as they had been for *a long time ago. “*Thank goodness, no one seems to be here or they (verb?) going to face...,” Dan exclaimed delicately (how can you exlaim in a delicate manner?) before being pushed sideways and silenced by Ned. Ned replied with anger in his eyes, “you are an idiot and imbecile Dan, couldn’t you see the officer Fitzpatrick and his men coming toward us? Huh? Listen to ***(.) this is your last chance. So stop your namby-pamby actions...” Dan *breaks (tense) in with a laugh, “Is that supposed to be funny?” There were a few moments (of) silence after this conversation before Hart turned up to them and gave them a steady gaze, “We can move on now, we are safe, they are gone,” he whispered with concern.

Before making any move Ned called everyone for a quick conversation. “As all of you know we are only a few miles away from the Euroa bank. We have been observing the bank staff and their routine over several weeks and it’s the right time for a robbery as the court will be in *session right now (*tense? is it right now or in the future?). Be *careful of every single move you make, otherwise you are going to lose your heads or be arrested by the police...”. Having *laid out their plan, the four fugitives, mounted on marvelous horses, which had been stolen from a nearby paddock (stables), *rode towards the Euroa Bank with all the aspects of the robbery *worked out in advance.

On the way to the bank, the four outlaws found a poor hawker, selling brand new outfits of clothes. Unfortunately they *grounded him (is that what you mean) with their guns senselessly (carelessly sounds strange), *and seconds later he was dead. *Then they stole everything he *has (tense). Joe said lightly with a laugh and smile (*is it a laugh or a smile) on his face, “That’s what hawkers deserve...” *It was four o’clock. With nothing to stop them *from robbing the bank, Ned entered the bank first *according to plan, and started shooting with his guns *at anyone in his way, *including innocent people, women, and even children (without any kindness and clemency??? sounds odd). You would only hear the sound of gunshots and the people crying and screaming (words deleted). Soon the bank was *silent and still (avoid making a noun phrase when an adj. would do). (Try to show, not tell. e.g. You can hear a pin drop.) Everybody was *killed (*murder sounds more like an intentional effort) now, except for the Kelly Gang. Ned shouted to the others in a rush, “You two (pointing at Dan and Hart) collect whatever you find in these *people's pockets. Joe and me will go looking for the bank coffers.” Ned found the coffers and filled a big sugar bag with silver and gold coins, bank notes and nearly 31 ounces of unminted gold. The incursion had barely taken half an hour with a total haul of £2000, and soon they were out of the town.
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i have to write a esay about my cultural literacy. in other word what i think about writting, my background, how i learn to write, who was the person that impact or help me with my writting. and i don't know how to begin my essay. so can you help me please.