Hi Everybody,

I need your help to give some feedback for my IELTS essay below.

Thanks so much Emotion: smile

Regards,

Theresia

Topic :

Some parents grow their children in strict discipline while others leave them free to learn lessons of lives on their own. Which is one of these is a better approach and why? Give your own opinion in not less than 250 words.

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I really agree that parents must educate their children in strict discipline. There are two reasons to support this argument. First, children need to be disciplined more strictly because they need to develop the positive mental attitude. In the fact, most of children are not matured yet. Somehow, parents must say “no” instead of “yes” for certain good reasons. For example: parents must scold or snatch their children because they would rather spend most of their time for playing X-BOX than do their homework. This method would opened their eyes slowly, how important to become diligent person instead of lazy. If the parents do not tolerance with the laziness, children would be more conscious how important to have responsibility with their study is. Moreover, they will realize that they must hard work to success in their study. Second, strict discipline is the best method to remove the bad habits or characters from their personality. Though there is a pain full in strict discipline. Children would be able to think about something that they must change in their mind. Nevertheless, we have a responsible to let them know the particular reason behind our action. Certainly, Children have the right perspective with the parent’s action. Children would be conscious of how important discipline is to change their mind set and character to become a better person.
Theresia: You did not accept my earlier corrections to this essay in this posting:

http://www.EnglishForward.com/English/ReviewWritingIeltsPreparation/2/wzbjh/Post.htm Now I have to take time to repeat these corrections with an explanation. I will not suggest them again if you decide to keep them. But there are many mistakes.
wijaya.theresiaI really agree that parents must educate their children in strict discipline. There are two reasons to support this argument. First, children need to be disciplined more strictly because they need to develop a positive mental attitude. In the fact, most of children are not matured yet. ("yet" refers to right now, you are referring to the children's maturity at any time. It is not correct in the essay. "mature" is a better adjective than "matured." "matured" is OK for for the present perfect tense. ) Somehow, parents must say “no” instead of “yes” for certain good reasons. For example: parents must scold or snatch (snatch is not a good word here. It is used for kidnapping, or for bad behavior; taking something I have without permission- George snatched my cell phone from me and ran away. ) their children because they would rather spend most of their time for playing X-BOX than doing their homework. This method would opened (the infinitive is used after a modal auxilliary) their eyes slowly; they would realize how (it is incorrect to begin a declarative mood clause with how. How starts an interrogative mood clause. To keep how, you have to make it an object. realize or know are verbs to use. ) important it is (a subject and verb is required in the clause) to become a diligent person (you can omit this one, but the noun must follow the adjective "lazy." You can also omit "person" completely. "to become diligent instead of lazy") instead of a lazy person. If the parents do not tolerate (you need the verb "tolerate" with the auxilliary "do") with the laziness (direct object of tolerate), children would be more conscious of how important it is to have responsibility for with their study is. Moreover, they will realize that they must hard work hard to succeed (a verb is required here) success in their study. Second, strict discipline is the best method to remove the bad habits or characteristics (you cannot remove a person's character from him. It is his whole being) from their personality. Though there is a pain full (pain full is not correct) lot of pain in strict discipline, (the preceding is not a complete sentence) children will would be able to think about something that they must change in their mind. Nevertheless, we have a responsiblity to let them know the particular reason behind our actions. Certainly, children have the right perspective with the parent’s action. (I really don't know what you mean. Maybe "Children need to appreciate their parent's actions when they are disciplined, that this is for their ultimate good.") Children would be conscious of how important discipline is to change their mind set and character to become a better person.

well i agree with you.Is it enough for you?