You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
Write about the following topic:
In some countries, it is traditional for men to work and women to stay at home to look after the family. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this?
Give reasons for your answers and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
You should write at least 250 words.

The traditional belief that men are breadwinners while women should take charge of looking after their children and doing housework, which still exists in some nations. There are advantages to this, but I feel that it is also a risk and could lead to some challenges.

Having a permanent job for fathers and staying at home to take care of the family for mothers brings some benefits. It is undeniable that children in their growing age need more attention, love, and care, which they can get by mothers. Females have a natural instinct, which provides comfort and love to their children. Fathers, how much ever they make an effort, cannot put the values like mothers in this case. Also, fathers cannot cope up with both chores tasks and look after their kids. On the other hand, females are said to be multitaskers. Furthermore, if males earn a lot of money from their job to make sure that the life of both their children and their wife is pleasant, it leads to plenty of close-knit families formed around the world.

However, this situation has some negative sides for the individual and society. This causes male chauvinism in today's society. We are living in the 21 century where ladies have greater access to educational and professional opportunities to help women to gain qualifications and pursue careers. In many fields, for examples, telemarketing, teaching, banking, women are doing better than men and this has created a demand for female employees in the job market. So, we need to set up an equal rights movement, which has had a great impact on empowering women. In addition, both fathers and mothers take the lead in caring for their family, especially their kids. Dependence of the gender, some lessons about body hygiene for boys should be taught by fathers, and girls by mothers too.

In conclusion, it is a great chance that allows the parents to decide who earn money for the family and who take care of the family, not based on social and traditional belief.

The traditional belief that men are breadwinners while women should take charge of looking after their children and doing housework, which still exists in some nations. (This is not a sentence, but a long noun phrase. There is no main verb.) There are advantages to this, but I feel that it is also a risk and could lead to some challenges.

Having a permanent job for fathers and staying at home to take care of the family for mothers brings some benefits. It is undeniable that children in their growing age (unnatural phrase) need more attention, love, and care, which they can get from their by mothers. Females have a natural instinct, which provides comfort and love to their children. Fathers, how much ever they make an effort, cannot impart put the values like mothers in this case. Also, fathers cannot cope up with both household chores tasks and looking after their kids. On the other hand, females are said to be multitaskers. Furthermore, if males earn a lot of money from their job to make sure that the life of both their children and their (Children don't have wives.) wife is pleasant, it leads to plenty of close-knit families formed around the world.

However, this situation has some negative sides for the individual and society. This causes male chauvinism in today's society. We are living in the 21 (wrong form) century where ladies have greater access to educational and professional opportunities to help women to gain qualifications and pursue careers. In many fields, for examples, telemarketing, teaching, (missing word) banking, women are doing better than men and this has created a demand for female employees in the job market. So, we need to set up an equal rights movement, which has had a great impact on empowering women. In addition, both fathers and mothers can take the lead in caring for their family, especially their kids. Dependence of the gender, (??) some lessons about body hygiene for boys should be taught by fathers, and girls by mothers too.

In conclusion, it is a great chance (??) that allows the parents to decide who earn (wrong form) money for the family and who take care of the family, not based on social and traditional belief.

Can you rewrite for me a phrase "Dependence of the gender"? Or I should cut it?

Students: We have free audio pronunciation exercises.
car banana 513Can you rewrite for me a phrase "Dependence of the gender"?

That phrase makes no sense.

So how can we make a connection between two sentences?

Help me!

Thanks lot!!!

You do not need to make a transition between every sentence and the next one!

Closely related content can be indicated by the use of the semicolon. Also notice the use of parallelism in structure to avoid repetition.

 In addition, both parents can take the lead in caring for their family;  lessons about male body hygiene are best taught by fathers to their sons, and female body hygiene by mothers to their daughters. 
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Task response: presents relevant main ideas but some are inappropriately developed Coherence and cohesion: uses a range of cohesive devices, but cohesion within and between sentences sometimes is faulty. Language (lexical resource and grammar): attempts to use less common vocabulary but with some inaccuracy, uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, makes some errors in grammar and word choice

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car banana 513This is the feedback I got from my performance.

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