(If I could also get a feedback on the expected band score, it will be very useful for me)


Topic


Some people think that it is beneficial for children to do paid work, while others think that it can be harmful for children. What are the advantages and disadvantages of children doing paid work?


Children taking up paid jobs is considered by some people as being useful for the child, whereas others consider it as being detrimental to them. While it helps kids develop responsibility at an early age, along with helping them be self-sufficient, it also faces criticism because they may ignore formal education which may have an impact on their professional growth at work.


Taking up a paid job early in life has many advantages, such as building responsibility and being able to take care of your own needs. Young people begin to respect time and learn to adhere to timelines and schedules set by their employers. Over time, they also tend to interact with and respect colleagues at the workplace, thereby learning social and workplace etiquette, which may prove to be a valuable asset to them later on in their lives. Since they would be earning, they would also learn to manage their finances and strive to live within their means, which is a skill not many people pick up, especially in today's consumer driven world.


On the other hand, kids who begin working while they are studying may reduce their study time and may even discontinue their education, which could possibly have a bearing on their growth in the workplace. Dropping out of school for money may seem like a great idea at the time, but may limit the growth of a person in a workplace, as more qualified people move higher up the hierarchy when compared to less qualified people. Children, vulnerable as they are, may not fully appreciate this and may regret it at a later point in time in their careers, when it could be too late to take corrective measures.


To conclude, children taking up paid jobs does have its own advantages such as making them more responsible and self-sufficient, but may also lead to them dropping out of school, thereby stunting their workplace growth due to their lack of qualifications. It would certainly help if youngsters are guided by experienced professionals early on, so the chances of them taking a rash decision is less likely.

I ran it through a reliable website for text analysis, and it shows a band score of 5-6, level B2.

http://www.roadtogrammar.com/textanalysis /

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How reliable is this to gage the overall IELTS writing Bands? If it is not, request you to not mislead

There's an email on this site, you can have an official grader rate your text.

http://ieltsliz.com/ielts-essay-correction /

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Gaurav, did you write this essay under exam conditions, that is, strictly to time, after completing the reading and listening tests and Task 1 first? As it stands, my first impression is that the essay is more 6.5+ than less. However, I have never been an examiner.

In general, I would suggest that you need to define your terms more accurately. Are we discussing primary school children, or secondary? What about non-paid work; why is that different? Are we looking at after-school work outside school hours, or children taking time off school?

I would also suggest that more concrete examples would enhance your essay, and improve your answer. For instance, children helping in a shop, as opposed to disassembling electronic components, or stripping plastic off electric cabling for the copper inside. Examiners are looking for you to make your point clearly and concisely. In your shoes, I would be working on including examples to support and develop your argument, avoiding long noun phrases such as "children taking up paid jobs" as they tend to come across as waffle or as long-winded, and making sure the question is properly and concisely answered with a logical progression of ideas.

In IELTS, I would avoid the word "kids" (informal) and use "children" throughout.

Children taking up paid jobs is considered by some people as being useful for the child, whereas others consider it [What exactly? This reference is unclear.] as being detrimental to them. While it helps kids develop responsibility at an early age, along with helping them be self-sufficient, it [What exactly? This reference is unclear.] also faces criticism because they may ignore formal education which may have an impact on their professional growth at work. [There is no assumption in the question that work will take the children out of school time. ]

Taking up a paid job early in life has many advantages, such as building responsibility and being able to take care of your own needs. Young people begin to respect time and learn to adhere to timelines [deadlines/learn to be punctual] and schedules set by their employers.

Thanks a lot for your help!

Thank you so much for your feedback. Yes, I did follow the time schedule, although I did not do Listening and Reading before this. I'm just starting my essay practice now. Thank you

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