Please kindly take a look at my writing for task 1 IELTS. Any comments would be appreciated. Thank you so much!
"The line chart compares the differences in the percentages of 65-year-old-or-over people between USA, Sweden, and Japan from 1940 to 2040.
Overall, the proportion of elderly people in all three countries increased through the 100-year time span, although Japan had a long decrease in the first half of the period.
In 1940, Sweden and USA citizens who were 65 or above accounted for seven and nine percent of the country's population, respectively. In the next 40 years, they both increased gradually to nearly 15 percent. The Sweden elderly proportion was slightly lower than USA elderly proportion in this period. From 1980 to 2020, the proportion in USA remained at around 15% while the proportion in Sweden saw a fluctuated rise and reached nearly 20% in 2020. In the next 20-year period, the proportions are expected to reach the peaks of 25% in Sweden and 23% in USA.
Japan had a different trend compared to USA and Sweden. From 1940 to 2030, the proportion of population aged 65 years or over in Japan declined and inclined slowly from 5% in 1940 to nearly 10% in 2020. Predictively, this proportion in Japan is going to increase to 10% in 2030. In the last 10-year period, the proportion will jump quickly to about 27 percent and pass this proportion in both USA and Sweden."
Where is the graph?
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Sorry about this, I thought I attached it in the post.
"The[ 1] The line chart comparesthe differences in the percentages of 65-year-old-or-over people betweenthree countries: the USA, Sweden, and Japan, in terms of the percentage of people 65 years or older, from 1940 to 2040.[ 2]
Overall, the proportion of elderly people in all three countries increased
throughover that 100-year period,time span,although Japan’s graph sagged slightly overhad a long decrease inthe first half.of the period.----------------------------
[ 1]: Do not use quotation marks unnecessarily.
[ 2]: Use a blank line to clearly separate your paragraphs.
The rest of your text is too long. You do not have enough time in the exam to write that many words. You just need to write two short paragraphs after the above part. Write one paragraph about the US and Sweden (since their lines follow a similar pattern) and one about Sweden.
For example,
The lines for the US and Sweden were practically parallel to each other for most of that period. They started off at 9% and 7%, and rose to 10% and 13% respectively by 1980. Then….
In contrast, Japan’s percentage of elderly people was 5% in 1940, after which it fell around 3% by 1960, and remained at that level before rising in the 1980s. It is expected to reach 10% by 2030, after which the rate is set to steeply ...
Try to finish those two short paragraphs and post the revised text below. Keep an eye on your word count.
The line chart compares three countries: the USA, Sweden, and Japan, in terms of the percentage of people 65 years or older, from 1940 to 2040.
Overall, the proportion of elderly people in all three countries increased over that 100-year period, although Japan’s graph sagged slightly over the first half.
The lines for the US and Sweden were practically parallel to each other for most of that period. They started off at 9% and 7%, and rose to 13% and 15% respectively by 1980. Then, the Sweden’s line continued to go up to 19% while the US line remained at 15% by 2020; and both are expected to increase to 25% and 23% by 2040, respectively.
In contrast, Japan’s percentage of elderly people was 5% in 1940, after which it fell around 3% by 1960, and remained at that level before rising in the 1980s. It is expected to reach 10% by 2030, after which the rate is set to steeply increase and will reach an all-time high of 27% by 2040.
Thank you so much for your review, I learned a lot from this. Above are my edited paragraphs. It was 172 words in total.
The line chart compares three countries: the USA, Sweden, and Japan, in terms of the percentage of people 65 years or older, from 1940 to 2040.
Overall, the proportion of elderly people in all three countries increased over that 100-year period, although Japan’s graph sagged slightly over the first half.
The lines for the US and Sweden were practically parallel to each other for most of that period. They started off at 9% and 7%, and rose to 13% and 15% respectively by 1980. Then, [ 1]
theSweden’s line continued to go up to 19%, while the US line remained at 15% by 2020; and both are expected to increase to 25% and 23% by 2040, respectively.In contrast, Japan’s percentage of elderly people was 5% in 1940, after which it fell around [ 2] to 3% by 1960, and remained at that level before rising in the 1980s. It is expected to reach 10% by 2030, after which the rate is set to steeply increase and will reach an all-time high of 27% by 2040.
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[ 1]: When we use the possessive case (Sweden’s), we do not need an article.
[ 2]: Note the “to”. That was my fault. I had missed that earlier; sorry about that!