Please help me with my essay. Thank you so much teacher!

The charts show school expenditure and the proportion of students who gained
higher education diplomas and degrees in Singapore from 2000 to 2012.


My essay:

The bar graph and the pie chart demonstrates school expense and the percentage of students who gained higher education diplomas and degrees in Singapore over a period of 12 years.

Overall, it can be seen that the school spending of both genders witnessed an upward trend from 2000 to 2012. In addition, the majority of students in Singapore achieved degrees in both 2000 and 2012.

In 2012, school spending of boys in Singapore was about 32 million US dollars, more than 3 times as much as that in 2000. School expenditure of girls in Singapore was less than boys, which was 20 million US dollars and about 7 million US dollars in 2012 and 2010, respectively.

The proportion of diplomas saw a decrease of 5% from 2000 to 2012, while the figure for degrees rose slightly from 27% to 32%. In 2000 and 2012, the percentage of students gaining diplomas in higher education in Singapore was the highest in 2 kinds of certification, which accounted for 73% and 68%, respectively.

(170 words)

The bar graph and the pie chart [ 1] demonstrate, based on gender, [ 2] school expense and [ 3] the percentage of students who gained higher education a percentage breakdown of tertiary qualifications (diplomas and or degrees) in Singapore [ 4] from 2000 to 2012. over a period of 12 years.

Overall, [ 5] it can be seen that the school spending, of for both genders, witnessed an upward trend from 2000 to 2012. In addition, the majority of students in Singapore achieved degrees diplomas greatly outnumbered degrees in both years. 2000 and 2012.

[ 6] In 2012, school spending of in boys schools in Singapore was about 32 million US dollars, more than 3 times as much as that in 2000. In contrast, school expenditure of for girls in Singapore was less, than boys, which was at only 20 million US dollars and about 7 million US dollars, in 2012 and 2010, respectively.

Additionally, the proportion of diplomas saw a decrease of 5%, from 73% to 68% over those years, 2000 to 2012, while the figure for degrees rose slightly from 27% to 32%. In 2000 and 2012, the percentage of students gaining diplomas in higher education in Singapore was the highest in 2 kinds of certification, which accounted for 73% and 68%, respectively.

[ 7] It would appear that the extra spending spending over those years on education in Singapore for both genders had encouraged more students to study for a higher qualification.

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[ 1]: We have a plural subject there.

[ 2]: You need to allude to gender.

[ 3]: That is incorrect. It implies that the pie chart shows the percentage of students (out of all high school leavers .. or even those who started university) who ended up with a tertiary qualification.

[ 4]: It is better to include that detail first instead of repeating it throughout the summary.

[ 5]: Only resort to such fillers if your word count is low.

[ 6]: This is fine, but you may find that you have over-summarized it and that you can’t make up the required 150 words. If that happens in the exam, adjust your text and add more detail.

[ 7]: That kind of inference is possible here, but that is not always the case in task-1.

I appreciate your help. Thank you and wish you all the best!