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Here is my completed writing task 1. Please point out my mistakes and give me a band score for each criterion if possible. Thanks in advance.

Topic: The charts below show what UK graduate and postgraduate students who did not go into full-time work did after leaving college in 2008.



The two charts compare four different works that UK graduates and postgraduates who did not work full-time after leaving university did in the year 2008.

It is noticeable that the number of UK graduate students is significantly higher than that of postgraduate students. We can also see that the proportion of those who did part-time work in graduate students is higher than postgraduate students.

In 2008, the main trend in graduates is to study further, which accounted for almost 30000 people. In addition to 2725 people who chose further study, part-time work is also widely common for postgraduates. The figure in this category is slightly smaller, 2535 as the chart showed.

In contrast, the number of graduate and postgraduate students who took part in voluntary work is substantially small, 3500 and 345 respectively. The fraction between postgraduates and graduates in each category is around 10% except for part-time work proportion, which stood at almost 15%. Finally, well over 30000 graduates were unemployed or worked part-time, made up half of the surveyed graduate students.

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Mike; It is noticeable that you have not read my advice for Task 1. I posted links in my response to your previous post. Please read the advice and consider following it when you compose Task 1 essays.

I will mark your errors, but some of them are directly against the advice that I have given.

https://www.englishforums.com/English/IeltsWritingTask1/bxqldr/post.htm


I commented on this essay recently from a different poster. You may find my feedback to them (Especially the pie charts) very useful in correcting your mistakes..

https://www.englishforums.com/English/IeltsWritingTask1/bxqhzj/post.htm


The two (what kind of charts?) charts compare four different works (wrong word. A work is a production of an artist or writer.) that UK graduates and postgraduates who did not work full-time after leaving university did in the year 2008.

It is noticeable that (Please read my advice.) the number of UK graduate students is significantly higher than that of postgraduate students. We can also see that the proportion of those who did part-time work in graduate students (incorrect phrasing) is higher than (incorrect) postgraduate students.

In 2008, the main trend (wrong word) in graduates is to study further, which accounted for almost 30000 people. In addition to 2725 people who chose further study, part-time work is also widely common for postgraduates. The figure (wrong word) in this category is slightly smaller, 2535 as the chart showed.

In contrast, the number of graduate and postgraduate students who took part in voluntary work is substantially (wrong word) small, 3500 and 345 respectively. The fraction between postgraduates and graduates in each category is around 10% (wrong number) except for part-time work proportion, (awkward expression) which stood at almost 15%. (wrong number) Finally, well over 30000 graduates were unemployed or worked part-time, made up half (ungrammatical) of the surveyed graduate students.

Comments  
Teachers: We supply a list of EFL job vacancies
AlpheccaStarsThe figure (wrong word) in this category is slightly smaller

- I read your advice that figure is usually used to refer to a diagram or chart. But here's what Simon(an ex-examiner) gave as a sample answer. So I'm a bit confused with the use of the word figure.

+)The figures for miles travelled by train, long distance bus, taxi and other modes also increased from 1985 to 2000.

AlpheccaStarsThe fraction between postgraduates and graduates in each category is around 10% (wrong number) except for part-time work proportion, (awkward expression) which stood at almost 15%. (wrong number)

- Also, the remainder when 3500 is divided by 345 is around 10%. So I was wondered why my numbers were wrong.

Mike Mky- I read your advice that figure is usually used to refer to a diagram or chart. But here's what Simon(an ex-examiner) gave as a sample answer. So I'm a bit confused with the use of the word figure.

I am a scientist, with two advanced university degrees, and am very familiar with academic writing styles. The instructions for IELTS Task 1 are to write for a university professor. Some ESL advisors do not have a science background, and do not use these words as a scientist or mathematician would. The term "figure" is ok for data values in the context of business performance reporting. I would use words like value, number, percentage, or ratio in Task 1, as appropriate.

+)The figures for miles travelled by train, long distance bus, taxi and other modes also increased from 1985 to 2000.

This is not good for a university math professor. This is what I would use:

The numbers of miles travelled....

Mike MkyAlso, the remainder when 3500 is divided by 345 is around 10%. So I was wondered why my numbers were wrong.

The problem is not your arithmetic, but how you describe your computation. It is confusing. Here are some alternatives:

There were ten times as many graduates as postgraduates in each category except for "voluntary work"

The ratio of postgraduates to graduates in each category is around 1:10 except for part-time work where it was about 1:7.

Thanks for your feedback, I'm now less confused with proportion and ratio. I will try my best for my next writing.

Students: We have free audio pronunciation exercises.
Mike MkyI'm now less confused with proportion and ratio.

These are mathematical terms for measurements:

Percentage is in units of 100. The percentage sign is "%". e.g. If there are 34 people in a group of 200, the percentage is calculated as 34/200 * 100 or 0.17 or 17%

A fraction is two numbers with a division sign. Fractions can be expressed in words: 2/3 = two thirds, 2/10 = two tenths, 3/7 = three sevenths, 3/4 = three quarters, 3/5 = three fifths.

Ratio is denoted by two integers that represent the frequency that one occurs relative to another. The colon is used between the two numbers. E.g. The schools in wealthy districts have low student-to-teacher ratios, no more than 8 students for each teacher or 8:1. The poorest schools sometimes have ratios of thirty to one.

The ratio of male births to female births is, on average, 105:100. (More males are born than females.)

Number is just a measured quantity. It is a count that frequently has no units.

An example of units with numbers is parts per million (PPM). It is used for the number of carbon dioxide molecules in a million molecules of other gasses (Oxygen, nitrogen, argon, water vapor and trace gasses)

The reason that percentage is not used for this measurement is because the values are so small.


Proportion is not a rigorous mathematical term; it just means a part or a share of a whole. It is used in descriptive, rather than mathematical expressions. e.g.
Poor people spend a much larger proportion of their income on necessities than rich people do.

Healthy people maintain their weight in a proportion proper for their height.

The highest proportion of non-native English speakers is in the voting district west of the center.