Hello everyone, I am a new member. I hope that all of you can help me to improve my writing skill as I am really bad at this skill. Thank you a lot. I am looking forward to hearing from you.

Task: In developing countries, children in rural communities have less access to education. Some people believe that the problem can be solved by providing more schools and teachers, while others think that the problem can be solved by providing computers and Internet access. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.


My essay:

Nowadays, in developing countries, many children in rural communities do not have a lot of opportunities to access academic education. While many people think that this problem can be dealt with providing computers and internet access, I believe that it is better to provide more schools and teachers.

On the one hand, there is a variety of reasons why many people think that it is beneficial to provide computer and internet access with the aims of giving children in rural communities a chance to access academic education. Firstly, it is obvious that computers and internet accession make contribution to create opportunity for children to gain knowledge actively. There are a huge amount of data and useful information to help them broad their horizon and make a grade. Secondly, they can access the latest inventions as well as researches all over the world through computer and internet to catch up with essential information for their knowledge and educate themselves.

On the other hand, it seems to me that providing schools and teachers results in more favorable outcome. In the first place, having teachers will assist them in the process of accessing academic education. Teacher trained through academic program will know what is essential for them as well as sift unnecessary information in study progress. In the second place, providing schools is extremely necessary for students as schools will create educational environment and positive competition. Obviously, friendly and ideal environment will inspire students to study hard. For example, children may have intention to imitate good behavior from teachers and friends or study industriously to stand at the same level with their friends.

In conclusion, although providing computers and internet access will have some advantages in education for children in rural communities in the developing countries, I still believe that providing schools and teachers have more benefits for children.

You need to study the use of articles (a, an, the) and plural nouns.


My essay:

Nowadays, (Nowadays is not necessary.) in developing countries, many children in rural communities do not have a lot of opportunities to access academic education. While many people think that this problem can be dealt with by providing computers and internet access, I believe that it is better to provide more schools and teachers.

On the one hand, there is (The subject is plural.) a variety of reasons why many people think that it is beneficial to provide computer and internet access with the aims (The aim is a chance to access education. It is one purpose.) of giving children in rural communities a chance to access academic education. Firstly, (It is much preferable to use first, second, third... rather than firstly, secondly, ...) it is obvious that computers and internet accession (accession is a different word.) make (missing word) contribution to create (missing word) opportunity for children to gain knowledge actively. There are a huge amount of data and useful information to help them broad their horizon and make a grade (Failure is a grade. Do you mean one grade?). Secondly, they can access the latest inventions (inventions are mostly physical things like drones and cell phones. ) as well as researches (The noun "research" is not commonly used in plural form) all over the world through computer and internet to catch up with (Catch up with is used for news, not general information. ) essential information for their knowledge and educate themselves. (not good English)

On the other hand, it seems to me that providing schools and teachers results in (missing word) more favorable outcome. In the first place, having teachers will assist them in the process of accessing academic education. (missing word) Teacher trained through (missing word) academic program will know what is essential for them as well as sift unnecessary information in study progress. In the second place, providing schools is extremely necessary for students as schools will create (missing word) educational environment and positive competition. Obviously, (missing word) friendly and ideal environment will inspire students to study hard. For example, children may have (missing word) intention to imitate good behavior from teachers and friends or study industriously to stand at the same level with their friends.

In conclusion, although providing computers and internet access will have some advantages in education for children in rural communities in the developing countries, I still believe that providing schools and teachers have more benefits for children.

Thank you so much. I have learnt a lot from your suggestion for my essay.

Can I ask you some questions?

First, I wrote in my essay: It seems to me that providing schools and teachers results in (missing word) more favorable outcome

=>In your opinion, which word I should put in this blank, "a" is right?

Second, " make a grade" in sentence: "There is a huge amount of data and useful information to help them broaden their horizon and make a grade"

=> if I change " make a grade" by " make the grade" is correct ?

In my opinion, "make the grade" means " to successfully reach the necessary standard.

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I hope that you can give me some advice. Thank you in advance.

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i think your essay is very good, band 7