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Please check my word choice, grammar, and cohesion as well as offer me some formal synonyms or expressions. Thanks in advance.

Many people say the gap between rich and poor people is wider, as rich people become richer and poor people grow poorer.

What problems could this situation cause and what measures can be done to address those problems?

It is a widely-held belief that the growing disparity between the wealthy and the underprivileged has always been a topic of general interest in many societies. This situation is believed to engender a multitude of valid concerns. This essay will demonstrate some viable solutions to tackle these problems.

It is widely acknowledged that economic inequality may affect the whole society at various levels. Initially, there may be a deterioration in the health of the indigent. As they are not likely to pay for health care or medical treatment, which leads to the fact that they have to suffer from several serious and life-threatening illnesses such as cancer and homicides, in addition to infectious sicknesses. Indeed, the death rate may increase significantly. Furthermore, a growing gap between the moneyed and the poor may also act as an attributable factor in a rise in crime owing to some rationales. As many people constantly face financial problems, they are driven to convicting crime such as robbery or homicide to earn more money, which can pose a serious threat to the safety of society.

Nevertheless, there are still some potential solutions that are determinant keys to the progress in solving these issues. Firstly, reducing taxes should be taken into consideration. Today, many individuals are grapple with financial barriers so they cannot cover all the mandatory taxes and fares. Therefore, the government should lower the amount of money the poor need to pay monthly with a view to minimizing the pressure they exert on them. Moreover, society needs to tack advantage of the advent of the media to inform people about many poor people. More funds ought to be raised to provide financial aid for the needy.

In conclusion, with these actions, the community can work together to improve the lives of many individuals.

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HongNhatTanPlease check my word choice, grammar, and cohesion as well as offer me some formal synonyms or expressions.

You don't need more formal synonyms. You need to write less tentatively and use more natural collocations. You need to express yourself clearly instead of trying to use sophisticated language.


It is a widely-held belief that the growing disparity between the wealthy and the underprivileged has always been a topic of general interest in many societies. (Off topic. This is not a good paraphrase of the subject. It seems like it is a memorized response. These do not get favorable marks.) This situation is believed to engender a multitude of valid concerns. I(This basically says nothing. ) This essay will demonstrate some viable solutions to tackle these problems.


You will generally score much higher if you provide the examiner a thesis statement in the opening paragraph. In that regard, it is generally bad form to mention your essay. The lazy student writes "In this essay, I will tell you some solutions about XYZ ....." This gives the reader very little information. The examiner is looking for your main point, and an answer to the essay prompt.


Here is an example opening paragraph with a clear thesis statement:


In my country, there are a few extremely rich people, but there is a large percentage of the population struggling to makes ends meet. And the situation is becoming worse as more and more people fall into poverty. This causes problems for the economic development of the country and the overall well-being of the citizens. One solution is for the government to raise taxes on the richest, and invest in education, jobs, and welfare assistance for the disadvantaged.


It is widely acknowledged that economic inequality may (Are you uncertain about this?) affect the whole society at various levels. Initially, there may (Are you uncertain about this?) be a deterioration in the health of the indigent. As they are not likely to pay for health care or medical treatment, which leads to the fact that they have to suffer from several serious and life-threatening illnesses such as cancer and homicides, (Homicide is not a disease or illness. It is when one person kills another person. ) in addition to infectious sicknesses. Indeed, the death rate may (Are you uncertain about this?) increase significantly. Furthermore, a growing gap between the moneyed and the poor may (Are you uncertain about this?) also act as an attributable factor in a rise in crime owing to some rationales. As many people constantly face financial problems, they are driven to convicting (wrong word) crime such as robbery or homicide (Killing someone does not usually have a financial benefit.) to earn more money, which can pose a serious threat to the safety of society.

Nevertheless, there are still some potential solutions that are determinant keys to the progress in solving these issues. (very unnatural. I cannot really understand it.) Firstly, First, reducing taxes should be taken into consideration. Today, many individuals are grapple with financial barriers (wrong word) so they cannot cover all the mandatory taxes and fares. Therefore, the government should lower the amount of money the poor need to pay monthly with a view to minimizing the pressure they (The government?) exert on them. Moreover, society needs to tack (wrong word) advantage of the advent of the media (I have no idea what you mean. What is the beginning of the media? ) to inform people about many poor people. More funds ought to be raised to provide financial aid for the needy.

In conclusion, with these actions, the community can work together to improve the lives of many individuals.

Comments  
Students: We have free audio pronunciation exercises.

In my country, there are a few extremely rich people, but there is a large percentage of the population struggling to makes ends meet. And the situation is becoming worse as more and more people fall into poverty. This causes problems for the economic development of the country and the overall well-being of the citizens. One solution is for the government to raise taxes on the richest, and invest in education, jobs, and welfare assistance for the disadvantaged.

Question: Do i need to demonstrate my main ideas in the introduction ?.

barriers

question: can i replace it with "problem" "trouble" ?

My new introduction: "It is a widely-held belief that the growing disparity between the wealthy and the underprivileged has engendered a multitude of valid concerns for the economic development and fields. Nonetheless, I believe that individuals still stand a high chance of dealing with the situation if practical solutions are taken. " Is it better?

HongNhatTanQuestion: Do i need to demonstrate my main ideas in the introduction ?

Yes. But in a very short abbreviated form. It prepares the reader's mind for your arguments which go into detail.
Do not present all your arguments, only a general summary.

Here are the Task 2 instructions and what you are asked to write about.

HongNhatTan
Topic:
Many people say the gap between rich and poor people is wider, as rich people become richer and poor people grow poorer. What problems could this situation cause and what measures can be done to address those problems?

Here is an analysis of the four-sentence opening paragraph I suggested. There is a particular purpose for each sentence.

1. Opening two sentences: Demonstrate to the examiner that you understand the premise in the essay instructions.

In this case, I present a real example of the increasing wealth gap between rich and poor. I acknowledge that this is an actual situation that I am aware of. In many Task 2 topics, you can achieve this purpose with one sentence. You do not need to make it personal knowledge. It can be general knowledge.

HongNhatTanIn my country, there are a few extremely rich people, but there is a large percentage of the population struggling to makes ends meet. And the situation is becoming worse as more and more people fall into poverty.

2. Sentence #3 - This introduces the first task requested by the essay prompt. "What are the problems?" The examiner knows that I am going to present two main arguments - one related to the economy and another related to health.

HongNhatTanThis causes problems for the economic development of the country and the overall well-being of the citizens.

3. Sentence #4. This is a response to the second part of the essay prompt. One of the solutions I will argue relates to taxes, but by using "one", there may be other secondary solutions.

HongNhatTanOne solution is for the government to raise taxes on the richest, and invest in education, jobs, and welfare assistance for the disadvantaged.

With those four sentences, the examiner knows that I have understood all aspects of the task, and will answer the essay topic completely. This will qualify for the highest band score on "task completion." The ideas are compact. Each sentence has one idea. There are no wasted words.

After reading this opening paragraph, the examiner is interested in the exact nature of my arguments which follow in the body paragraphs.

The order of sentences 3 and 4 shows the order of the two body paragraphs. The first will give more detail on the nature of these problems. The second will present the solutions.

The opening paragraph, like first impressions, is critical. It will be the determiner of the band score you will achieve. One seasoned examiner has said, "In the first paragraph, I know if the essay will get a score below or above band 6. "

HongNhatTan

My new introduction: "It is a widely-held belief that the growing disparity between the wealthy and the underprivileged has engendered a multitude of valid concerns for the economic development and fields. Nonetheless, I believe that individuals still stand a high chance of dealing with the situation if practical solutions are taken. " Is it better?

engendered a multitude of valid concerns - These are not very good word choices. The phrase "valid concern" is not appropriate. We use "valid concern" when there are several concerns, some of which can be dismissed.

and fields. - A field is an area of a farm where cattle eat grass or where rice, wheat or corn is raised.

I believe that individuals still stand a high chance of dealing with the situation - not so good. It does not really conform to the task: "What measures can be taken..."

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Thanks a lot for your comments!!! fields are a particular subject or activity that somebody works in or is interested in. that is what i mean.

HongNhatTan

Thanks a lot for your comments!!! fields are a particular subject or activity that somebody works in or is interested in. that is what i mean.

"Field" makes no sense in that sentence.