Ielts Writing Task 2?

Dear IELTS examiner, could you rate my wr task 2? Thanks, please give me some useful advices in case u like to.

Here it is:

In today's world, being overweight has been a worrying problem worldwide. Several people believe that the government is in charge of the increase in obese toddlers. From my perspective, I strongly disagree with this opinion.

There are a few compelling reasons why the authority is not responsible for the growth of obese youngsters. The first reason is that parents have not been aware of children's diet carefully. In particular, a variety of kids have been consuming a lot of fast food such as fried chicken, snack, sausage, etc without strict parental control, which results children in a range of worrying illnesses not only obesity. In addition, many parents have been lacking vital nutrient-related knowledge which can assist them in enhancing children's health or keeping teenagers from junk food.

The second reason is that nowadays adoescents become lazier compared to the past. Youngers spend most of their time on staying at home for entertaining activities instead of doing outdoor exercises as they are usually provided smartphones, computers and so on. This would have impacts on their health condition and that is the main factor causing obesity.

To conclude, obesity should be encountered by both the government and people in order to avoid serious disease including overweight.