Please review my essay!

Topic: In some countries people who are unemployed receive a sum of money each week in the from of a benefit. While some support this, others believe that this money should not be given. Discuss both these views and give your personal view.

It is true that in many parts of the world the employed live on the dole of the government. Some people believe that is a good thing while others say that this money should not be given. This essay will analyze both attitudes before I give my personal view.

On the one hand, people hold the view that giving the allowance to the jobless is a good thing. First of all, we can share their financial burden. In other words, with this money, they could pay taxes and cover their daily expenditure. Thanks to this, they have more opportunity to find another job.Besides, society reduce crime and social evils. To be more precise, because of the lack of money, unemployed people will try every way to earn money, even do bad professions. Consequently crime and social evil rise accelerate considerably.

One the other hand, other people restrict that government provide the unemployment benefit for people who are out of work. To begin with, they will become lazy and do not want to find another job. In other words, they think they could depend on a supply of money from the government to live to the end of life without working. As a result, they still remain jobless. Furthermore, in poor nations, it would be an impossible task. To be more precise, these countries have such a limited budget to support for unemployed people. Obviously, youngsters must train themselves hard when they still at school unless they want to be the jobless in the future. In conclusion, there are different views towards this issue. My personal view is that the government would rather assist money for unlucky fate than jobless people.

Your essay is not structured properly. Each body paragraph should support one point.
The concluding paragraph must summarize these points.


It is true that in many parts of the world the employed (I think you said the opposite of the essay prompt.) live on the dole (This is informal, and, in the US, is disparaging. Be sure to use objective language in academic essays.) of the government. Some people believe that is a good thing while others say that this money should not be given. This essay will analyze both attitudes before I give my personal view.

Mentioning your essay is bad form; some teachers consider it substandard. Do not announce to the reader what you are going to say. Write your thesis statement in the opening paragraph. Your thesis statement answers the question and is the main point of your essay.

Here is a thesis statement for your essay:

I agree completely. The government should not give any money to people who are not working.



On the one hand, people hold the view that giving the allowance to the jobless is a good thing. First of all, we can share their financial burden. In other words, with this money, they could pay taxes and cover their daily expenses. expenditure. Thanks to this, they have more opportunity to find another job.Besides, (spacing error) society reduce crime (ungrammatical) and social evils. (I do not understand this point.) To be more precise, because of the lack of money, unemployed people will try every way to earn money, even such as robbing people and stores. do bad professions. (unnatural) Consequently crime and social evil rise accelerate (ungrammatical) considerably.

One the other hand, other people restrict (wrong word) that governments provide the unemployment benefits for people who are out of work. To begin with, they will become lazy and do not want to find another job. In other words, they think they could depend on a supply of money from the government to live their lives to the end of life without working. As a result, they still remain jobless. Furthermore, in poor nations, it would be an impossible task. To be more precise, these countries have such a limited budget to support for unemployed people. Obviously, youngsters (In the US, a youngster is a child aged 7-12. It is an informal word. I don't understand how primary school children relate to the topic.) must train (Training is used for sports and physical conditioning.) themselves hard when they still at school (ungrammatical) unless they want to be the jobless in the future. In conclusion, there are different views towards on this issue. My personal view is that the government would rather assist money (Money is not alive. It does not need assistance.) for unlucky fate (incorrect phrase. Fate is a condition in the future. It is neither lucky nor unlucky.) than jobless people.

Thank you very much for your feedback to my essay! Your suggestions is very helpful for me. However, I want to discuss with you several thing. Firstly, the thesis statement that you said it did not suitable for me is the writing style my teacher have taught me. So maybe my teacher is wrong? The second thing I want to tell you is my mistakes. Could you help me to correct all of the errors in details? Thank you very much

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Huy TienFirstly, First, the thesis statement that you said it did not suitable for me is the writing style my teacher have taught me.

A carefully crafted thesis statement always will get you a better score. Some schools even teach that the "announcement" style is substandard (bad form) for academic essays and should be avoided. That is what I was taught in school. A lazy writer can just write "This essay will tell you about X, Y and Z " and not think about giving the reader the main point of their essay in the introduction.

Here is a lesson on the thesis statement.

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In this essay, the prompt was: Discuss both these views and give your personal view. So the examiner will be looking for a statement of your personal view in the opening paragraph. "I will tell you my view later" is not very acceptable.

Huy TienThe second thing I want to tell you is my mistakes. Could you help me to correct all of the errors in details?

If you revise your essay, try to remedy your mistakes and post your revision in this thread, I will assist you further.

I have corrected some mistakes for my essay. Do you consider anything wrong?

In many parts of the world the unemployed live on government benefit when they in the search for new job. Some people believe that is a good thing while others say that this money should not be given. I agree completely. The government should not give any money to people who are not working.

On the one hand, people hold the view that giving the allowance to the jobless is a good thing. First of all, we can share their financial burden. In other words, with this money, they could pay taxes and cover their daily expenses. Thanks to this, they have more opportunity to find another job. Besides, the social evils and crime are reduced. To be more precise, because of the lack of money, unemployed people will try every way to earn money, such as robbing people and stores. Consequently, the social security will be seriously threatened.

On the other hand, other people say that governments provide unemployment benefits for people who are out of work. To begin with, they will become lazy and do not want to find another job. In other words, they think they could depend on a supply of money from the government to live their lives without working. As a result, they still remain jobless. Furthermore, in poor nations, it would be an impossible task. To be more precise, these countries have such a limited budget to support unemployed people. Obviously, the students must practice knowledge and soft skills when they still at school unless they want to be jobless in the future.

In conclusion, there are different views on this issue. My personal view is that government government would rather subsidize poor people than jobless people.

Huy TienI have corrected some mistakes for my essay. Do you consider anything wrong?

You must try to use your own words, not mine. The IELTS examiners are trained to detect writing that has been copied from another source.


In many parts of the world the unemployed live on government benefits when they in the search are searching for a new job. Some people believe that is a good thing while others say that this money should not be given. I agree with the second group; completely. the government should not give any money to people who are not working.

On the one hand, people hold the view that giving the an allowance to the jobless is a good thing. First of all, we can share their financial burden. In other words, with this money, they could pay taxes and cover their daily expenses. Thanks to this, they will have more opportunities to find another job. Besides, the social evils and crime are reduced. It will also reduce the crime rate. To be more precise, because of the lack of money, unemployed people will try every way to earn money, such as robbing people and stores. Consequently, the social people's security will be seriously threatened.

On the other hand, other people say that governments must not provide unemployment benefits for people who are out of work. To begin with, with a generous government allowance, jobless people they will become lazy and do not want to find another job. In other words, they think they could depend on a supply of money from the government to live their entire lives without working. As a result, they still remain jobless. Furthermore, in poor nations, it funding unemployment benefits would be an impossible task. To be more precise, These countries have such a limited budget that they cannot support all the unemployed people. Obviously, the students must practice knowledge and soft skills when they still at school unless they want to be jobless in the future. (This sentence is not at all related to the topic. It does not belong in this essay.)

In conclusion, there are different views on this issue. My personal view is that government government would rather must subsidize poor people rather than jobless people.

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