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Hi! I’m having my ielts test in a week so I’m very grateful if someone can judge and evaluate one of my task 2 essays down here.
Here is the question:

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Write about the following topic. Write at least 250 words.

Some people believe that money is the most important factor for achieving happiness. However, others believe that happiness has nothing to do with money. Agree or disagree?

And below is my essay, I finished it in about 35 minutes and had little changes in word so it was approximately 40 minutes.

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Many believe that in order to achieve happiness, there is nothing more important than money and there are also those who do not think in that way. From my point of view, I would partially agree with this statement, which can be interpreted even though money can bring happiness to a person, but it is not solely the key. Further reasons will be discussed in the course of the essay.

To begin with, it can not be denied that money plays a significant role in not only human's physical life but also mental life. As an ordinary human being, anybody would feel exceedingly grateful when earning salaries or bonuses from their company. It symbolizes that one has successfully completed their task and was rewarded for their contribution. Besides, this is also a valuable factor if you are planning to entertain or encourage yourself. There is a say that money can not buy you family, but it can buy you food, which means instead of meaningless cheer-up words that you might have listened to a thousand times, you may go to the supermarket and reward yourself with some snacks or a fabulous filet mignon.

On the other hand, it is not the solution if you were in need of human interactions to deal with unhappiness. Money can buy you supplements for an upgraded life quality but it does not contain any emotional factors to make your life blissful. If a person uses it to buy themselves a friend, they may never acknowledge the term real friendship. In contrast, having a true accompany is considered invaluable that no money can buy.

To conclude, this issue has always been argued since money both brings out benefits and drawbacks depending on different people and situations. People can use it as a bridge to achieve mostly material elements, but when it comes to the need for mentality, we should come to term that there is no valuable purpose to use money in this situation.

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Many believe that in order to achieve happiness, there is nothing more important than money and there are also those who do not think in that way. From my point of view, (Agree is a point of view, so this phrase is redundant) I would partially agree with this statement; which can be interpreted (show off your skill in using the semicolon.) even though money can bring happiness to a person, but (Do not use "enven though" and "but" together. They overlap.) it is not solely the key. Further reasons will be discussed in the course of the essay.

(Please do not tell the examiner that you are writing an essay. They know that is what you are doing! They know the format of body paragraphs. You gave a perfectly good thesis statement, and then spoiled your opening paragraph by explaining what an essay is to someone who is an essay expert!)

To begin with, it can not be denied that (Please avoid these distasteful passive dummy-it clauses. They add no content and are a detraction.) money plays a significant role in not only human's (Do not use "human" as a synonym for people, except in certain set phrases and when comparing to other biological / artificial life. ) meeting our physical needs life but also our mental well-being life. (Your phrases - physical life / mental life - are not natural English.) As an ordinary human being, Anybody would feel exceedingly grateful when earning salaries or bonuses from their company. It symbolizes that one has is successfully completed their task participating in the country's workforce and was rewarded for their contribution. Besides, this money is also a valuable factor (wrong word) if you are planning to entertain or treat encourage (wrong word) yourself to something special. There is a say (wrong word) that money can not buy you friendships family, but it can buy you food, which means instead of meaningless cheer-up words that you might have listened to a thousand times, (I have no idea what your point is. What does food have to do with motivational talk?) you may go to the supermarket and reward yourself with some snacks or a fabulous filet mignon.

On the other hand, it (These transition phrases are used in pairs.) However, money is not the solution if you were are in need of human interactions to deal with unhappiness. Money can buy you supplements for an upgraded life quality (I don't understand. Are you writing about vitamins? "life quality" is not a natural expression) but it does not contain any joy, love or kindness emotional factors to make your life blissful. If a person uses it to buy themselves a friend, they may never experience acknowledge the term real friendship. In contrast, having a true accompany (wrong expression) is considered so invaluable that no amount of money can buy it..

To conclude, this issue (wrong word) has always been argued since money both brings us both satisfaction of achievement as well as the contentment of living independently with a high quality of life. out benefits and drawbacks (You never mentioned any disadvantages to having money. Do not include new ideas in the conclusion. You need to summarize your main points. ) depending on different people and situations. People can use it as a bridge (wrong word) to achieve (wrong word) acquire mostly material possessions, elements, (wrong word) but when it comes to the need for emotional health and close friendships, mentality, we should come to the understanding that money is not the path to true happiness. to term (wrong expression) that there is no valuable purpose to use money in this situation.