Could you please kindly evaluate my essay and give the band score for it?
[TOPIC] Some people think that children should learn to compete, but others think that they should be taught to cooperate with others. What is your opinion?

[ESSAY]In this day and age, an increasing number of people are concerned about educational methods applied in schools. While some suppose that there should be a competitive environment between schoolchildren, others hold the belief that it is better to teach them to work together. From my perspective, I strongly support the second idea.

First, it is obvious that working as a team enables pupils to mutually interact that contributes to develop skills for teamwork and build up relationships between members in the class. By collaborating with friends, not only will they be more confident but also learn how to control their emotions. In addition, recent studies have shown that children who experience a rewarding friendship before the birth of a sibling are likely to have a better relationship with his or her brother/sister. Hence, it is vitally necessary to maintain collective consciousness in schools.

People who harbor the view that competitions are of positive impacts on their offspring are partly right. We cannot deny that the sense of rivalry can push students to study harder. Nonetheless, if one considered the bigger picture, it would be clear that there are some drawbacks as learners might overly pay attention to the subjects instead of reaching a balance between studying and entertaining, not to mention that early friendships may collapse if the students are too obsessed with competing against their peers. Furthermore, this potentially forms negative characters as antisocial or being hungry for success that gives rise to disunity.

In summary, in spite of the fact that there are some advantages in competitive classrooms, I think the pros do not outweigh the cons. Nevertheless, nothing in teaching is completely black or white. Teachers can incorporate both into class but be careful not to make this into a matter of winning or losing. (297 words)

Welcome to the forum.

I've moved your thread to the "essay" forum, but, moving forward, please make sure you choose the right forum for your posts.

Thank you for that. This is the first time I come here so I haven't been familiar to the website. But I do remember I choose "essay" forum. Anyway, I would pay more attention to the next time.

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khanh hoangIn this day and age, an increasing number of people

What is taught in schools has been an issue for centuries. Try not to exaggerate.

khanh hoangFrom my perspective, I strongly support

"From my perspective" is superfluous in this context

khanh hoang it is obvious that

I am never impressed by this phrase: if it is obvious, why state it?

khanh hoang that contributes

Grammar issue: ... interact and develop skills ....

khanh hoangbuild up

"up" is not required here

khanh hoangcollaborating

'collaborate' often has a pejorative connotation

khanh hoangbut also learn how to control their emotions

How does that work? I cannot follow the logic.

khanh hoangchildren ... his or her

children .... their

khanh hoangcollective consciousness

This phrase usually refers to some semi-telepathic communicative process between people or animals.

khanh hoangare of positive impacts

have a positive impact

khanh hoangon their offspring

Why switch to 'offspring'? It is often used humorously. Just use children.

khanh hoangthe sense of rivalry

a sense of rivalry

khanh hoangmight overly pay attention

might pay too much attention

khanh hoangentertaining

What? Whom are the student entertaining? "Being entertained"?

khanh hoangcharacters

"Character" in the meaning of personality is uncountable. Characteristics?

khanh hoangas antisocial or being hungry for success

such as .....

khanh hoangpros do not outweigh the cons.

"pros" is an abbreviation for "professionals"; and "cons" for "conveniences". I would avoid these two words in IELTS.

khanh hoangbut be careful

but should be careful

This is quite an abstract topic and it is easy to sound vague and woolly. I would include concrete examples to illustrate your points.