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It is a common belief that people should spend more time on working. However, there is a more persuasive argument that time for the family is more important because doing so can build a bond between members of the family.

On the one hand, spending the amount of time on working can make sustainable finance of family. When people work hard, they can earn more money, or even has an opportunity to a higher position with a better salary. Therefore, raising the family becomes easier. According to a survey, families are usually happier when they have a stable income. They can bring children up better when they have good conditions and facilities. Thus, employers tend to spend most of their time working instead of devoting time to do other things.

Nevertheless, family activities should be devoted more to connect with family members. When parents play with kids, they not only contribute to emotional attachment with children but also release stress and have more happiness. Take a going picnic, which is an interesting and funny activity, as an example. In this activity, all members of the family will have a lot of valuable memories by doing many things such as cooking together, taking family pictures with a beautiful view, and so on. Moreover, this activity is also a great way to relieve tension after a busy week.

To sum up, while it is apparent that spending time working is one way to upgrade the quality of life, it is undeniable that having family activities is more important.

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It is a common belief that people should spend more time on working. However, there is a more persuasive argument that time for the family is more important because doing so can build a bond between members of the family.


You will lose a lot of points for "Task Completion" because you did not have a thesis statement for the essay. You did not answer the essay prompt in the first paragraph. The thesis statement is the main point of your essay. It answers the essay prompt. You must state your opinion.

Here are some example thesis statements for this essay:

Although it is essential to earn money for the household expenses, I believe that working parents must spend a considerable about of time with each other, their children and extended family members.

If parent work a lot, they can afford the very best things for their family, including private schools, computers, smart phones and the latest fashions. I believe that working parents can rely on the grandparents to raise the children, and they can devote a small amount of quality time to them.


On the one hand, spending the amount (How much time?) of time on working can make sustainable finance of family. (poor English.) When people work hard, they can earn more money, or even has (wrong form) an opportunity to a higher position with a better salary. Therefore, raising the family becomes easier. According to a survey, families are usually happier when they have a stable income. They (Who is "they"? You need an antecedent.) can bring children up better when they have good conditions and facilities. Thus, employers (wrong word. An employer is a business that has workers.) tend to spend most of their time working instead of devoting time to do other things.

Nevertheless, family activities should be devoted (wrong form) more to connect with family members. When parents play with kids, they not only contribute to a strong emotional attachment with children but also release stress and have more happiness. Take a going picnic, (poor English.) which is an interesting and funny (wrong word) activity, as an example. In this activity, all members of the family will have a lot of valuable memories by doing many things such as cooking together, taking family pictures with a beautiful view, and playing games. so on. (Do not use "and so on" in formal essays.) Moreover, this activity is also a great way to relieve tension after a busy week.

To sum up, while it is apparent that spending time working (This does not exactly answer the topic. It is not about the choice to either have a job or stay at home with the kids. You are not clear about this.) is one way to have a high upgrade the quality of life, it is undeniable that having family activities is more important. (You did not give YOUR opinion. If an essay topic says "Give your opinion" you must write: I believe that... or "In my opinion, doing family activities is more important than having a job.)

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Subject: Please review my IELTS essay

Message body:
Topic: Ielts writing task 2:Some people say that devoting one’s time to family activities is more important than spending time working. Others believe that dedicating one’s time to work is more important. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

My essay:

(Your text here...)
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 AlpheccaStars's reply was promoted to an answer.