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Topic: Some people believe that studying at university or college is the best route to a successful career, while others believe that it is better to get a job straight after school.

Discuss both views and give your opinion.


My essay:

People are facing the dilemma of whether to obtain a new job after graduating or choose higher education. While the latter brings a number of benefits, I believe that there are many benefits for students to continue to study.

On one side of the argument, there are many who claim that starting work immediately is effective for several reasons. This is because teenagers will be able to start earning money earlier than their peers. One example they often reference is that they can afford their own house and other expensive materialistic items. In addition, people who do not choose an educational path are more self-reliant with their budget than their same-aged friends. While some students still need the assistance of their parents for tuition fees, they have learned plenty of practical skills and can start a life that does not rely on others.

However, I believe that participating in post-secondary programs will provide students with better career opportunities. These days, in the job market, more and more applicants are competing to find employment, so recruiters tend to keep those who have academic qualifications. Even if students studied at a prestigious university or college, employers absolutely prioritize them. Moreover, it seems as if people will be able to earn higher salaries due to the fact that they have been trained by profound professors for a long time. On top of that, it is evident that people with degrees may work in a higher-quality work environment, which is one of the top concerns of most employees today.

In summary, I would argue that the advantages of carrying on with the learning journey after post-high school graduation outweigh entering the labor market straightaway.

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People are facing the dilemma of whether to obtain a new (It is probably their first job, not a new one.) job after graduating (from university?) high school or choose higher education. While the latter (Do not use "former/latter." It confuses both you and the reader. Latter used here means going to university or college. So your sentence makes no sense at all.

This is what you wrote:

"While going to university brings a number of benefits, I believe that there are many benefits for them to continue to study." .)

brings a number of benefits, I believe that there are many benefits for students to continue to study.

On one side of the argument, there are many who claim that starting work immediately is a good choice. effective. (the next phrase is unnecessary. ) for several reasons. This is because teenagers will be able to start earning money earlier than their peers. One example they often reference is that they can afford their own house and other expensive materialistic items. In addition, people who do not choose an educational path are more self-reliant with their budget than their same-aged friends who are in university. While some students (I do not understand. If a person is not in school, they are not a student and they have no tuition fees. In this paragraph you are writing about people who go to work and do not go to university.) still need the assistance of their parents for tuition fees, they have learned plenty of practical skills and can start a life that does not rely on others.

However, I believe that participating in post-secondary programs continuing on to tertiary education will provide students young people with better career opportunities. These days, in the job market, more and more applicants are competing to find employment, so recruiters tend to keep select / prefer / hire / offer the job to those who have academic qualifications. Even (Completely wrong meaning.) Especially if students studied at a prestigious university or college, employers absolutely prioritize them. Moreover, it seems as if that people will be able to earn higher salaries due to the fact that if they have been trained (Wrong word. Training is learning practical skills like auto repair or solar panel installation.) by profound (wrong word) professors for a long time. On top of that, it is evident that (Avoid these dummy-it clause. e.g. "it is XXXX that ". They are mostly useless filler words.) people with degrees may usually work in a higher-quality work environment, which is one of the top concerns of most employees today.

In summary, I would argue that the advantages of (wrong subject. We usually write "the advantages outweigh the disadvantages" not "the advantages outweigh entering the job market." That makes no sense. ) carrying on with the learning journey after post- (incorrect.) high school graduation outweigh is a much better choice than entering the labor market straightaway.


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Comments  

How many times do I have to post these instructions to you? This is the third time.


I believe you do not read the advice or feedback. You did not answer any of my earlier comments.

I will give you some feedback, but if you do not acknowledge that you are paying any attention to it, it will be the last time. There are other students who need help.

I think there is a misunderstanding here. All of your corrections have been read by me and noted in detail in my notebook. You know, it's my pleasure, because I don't have anyone to help me check my essay. I went online to search for IELTS writing correction websites, and this is the one I was looking forward to the most. I was very happy to see my essay edited in detail. The reason I don't reply to your comments is that I'm afraid I'll make you waste your time because I know there are a lot of students waiting for you to correct their essays, and I'm a bit shy because the questions I was going to ask were a bit silly for their own sake.

Anyway, I will learn from the experience and be more active in asking and answering questions. Thank you so much for correcting the essays for me.

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 AlpheccaStars's reply was promoted to an answer.

My target is at least 6.5


- Oh, I mean after they graduate from high school and go to work immediately, not after graduating from college. "While going to university brings a number of benefits",

Is my understanding reasonable?


- May I replace the word "profound" with "knowledgeable"?

- What word may I replace "trained" with?

- Actually, I learn structures like "it is .... that" from structures given in books, and I just write them as they are. I will try to correct this.

Thái Nguyễn I'm a bit shy because the questions I was going to ask were a bit silly for their own sake.

It the inquiry is sincere, there is no such thing as a silly question.

Students learn more from their mistakes than they do from reading books and consulting dictionaries.

You can revise your essay and post it in the same thread.

Teachers: We supply a list of EFL job vacancies

Thank you so much!

Have a good day!

Thái Nguyễn- Oh, I mean after they graduate from high school and go to work immediately, not after graduating from college. "While going to university brings a number of benefits",

Rewrite the whole sentence, not just a dependent clause. A short sentence is far better:

Both options have benefits.


Thái Nguyễn- May I replace the word "profound" with "knowledgeable"?

No. Professors have to be knowledgeable to qualify for a university teaching job. It's like writing a female woman.

Profound is not used with people, but ideas.

Thái Nguyễn- What word may I replace "trained" with?

The entire sentence needs to be changed, not just one word. When you go to university, you have courses taught by different professors. Also, "a long time" is not good. Degree programs for full-time students are typically 4 years.


You also need more examples. You do not develop your ideas adequately. To get a 6.5 you have to have fewer points but more development for each one.

You can make up and include specific examples. But they must be believable and reasonable, not outlandish.

For example, in the following development, "twice" is credible, but "ten times" is not.

Moreover, people will  earn higher salaries if they have advanced degrees. According to the UK government employment statistics, people with a masters degree earn on average twice as much as those with only a high school certificate. Reports from many other countries also confirm this relationship: the more education a person has, the higher the salary they are likely to get.
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