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Hello, this is my ielts essay, can you help me grade it?

Topic: You should spend about 20 minutes on this task.

The graph below compares the changes in the birth rates of China and the USA between 1920 and 2000.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

Write at least 150 words.


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The line graph illustrates how birth rates in two different countries (China and the USA) changed during the period from 1920 to 2000.

Overall, the birth rates of both countries experienced a significant fluctuation throughout the period shown. It is noticeable that, US fertility was higher than that of China.

In the year 1920, the percentage of births that happened
during a period of time fluctuated around 12 percent in the US, while China's birth rate saw a slightly lower than, at 10 percent. In 1935, fertility in China overtook US, at 15 percent, but then decreased dramatically to 5 percent after five years. Similarly, the US saw a considerable decline from 14 percent to 4 percent.

From 1950 to 2000, the number of individuals born per year in China reached a peak of 20 percent after remaining almost unchanged between 1940 and 1945. Also, the US climbed rapidly to 15 percent. The latter half of the century, however, both nations brought a steady fall.
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Sample Essay:


The line graph gives the birth rates for two countries, China and the USA, over the 80-year period from 1920 to 2000.

Overall, the USA had a higher birth rate than China, with the exception of two short time spans, 1930-35 and 1945-1952. The two curves were highly positively correlated with lower values at the end of the period compared to the beginning.

In detail, from 1920-1930, the birth rates varied in a narrow range between 10 and 12, with the US being about 1 higher than China. There was a small peak for China's birth rate around 1935, when it increased to 15, as the value in the USA was 13. Both dropped to half their initial values between 1940-45, hitting low points of 5. Five years later there were sharp peaks, China at 20 and the US at 15. In China, the decline after the 1952 peak was precipitous, reaching 7 in 1955 before tapering off for the rest of the period, and ending between 2 and 3. The curve for the US tracked China's, averaging about 5 higher during the post-1955 period.

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Comments  

The line graph compares the illustrates how (Illustrate is for diagrams, flow charts and pictures. Not for plots.) birth rates in two different countries (China and the USA) changed during the period from 1920 to 2000.

Overall, the birth rates of both countries experienced (wrong word) a significant fluctuation (wrong word) throughout the period shown. It is noticeable that, US fertility rate was higher than that of China.

In the year 1920, the percentage of births (wrong expression. The units of measure are not percentages. ) that happened during a period of time fluctuated (wrong word) around 12 percent in the US, while China's birth rate saw a slightly lower than, at 10 percent. In 1935, the fertility rate in China overtook US, at 15 percent, (wrong word) but then decreased dramatically to 5 percent (wrong word) after five years. Similarly, the US saw (wrong word) a considerable decline from 14 percent (wrong word) to 4 percent.(wrong word)

From 1950 to 2000, the number of individuals born (wrong expression) per year fertility rate in China reached a peak of 20 percent (wrong word) after remaining almost unchanged between 1940 and 1945. Also, in the US it climbed rapidly to 15 percent. (wrong word) The latter half of the century, however, in both nations it had brought a steady fall.


Values do not see things or witness things or experience things. Humans do. Do not use human verbs for inanimate objects or concepts.

Fluctuate is wrong. Read my advice, which gives examples of fluctuation.

There are no percentages shown on the graph. Look at the Y-Axis. It does not show the "%" sign, or the word "percentage". The birth rate is defined as the number of live births per 1,000 people in a population in a year. The units of measure are numbers, such as 5, 10 and 20.

Birth Rate is a standard scientific statistical measurement used by demographers. The name is fixed, along with fertility rate, death rate, and population growth rate. It is a terrible mistake to change the name of a defined statistic to something of your own invention.

In Task 1, you are writing for a math or science professor. You must be accurate, precise, and use the appropriate vocabulary.

Thank you so much. Your advice is highly appreciated. It is valuable to me. I wonder if you could give me sample answer for my writing task 1 :<<<

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 AlpheccaStars's reply was promoted to an answer.