Dear teacher,
Please help me check and give some feedback on this essay,

Thank you,

The graph below shows changes in young adult unemployment rates in England between 1993 and 2012.

The line graph illustrates how the proportion of unemployment of people who aged from 16 to 24 years in England changed in the period of 20 years from 1993 to 2012.
Overall, while the percentage of young adults who were jobless in England showed a fluctuating leapfrog, the overall rate of adults without job indicated a slight dip.
In 1993, level of joblessness in 16 to 24-year-old English living in London took the lead, with roughly 22%, which was 5% higher than that of those living in the rest of England. Both figures then experienced a significant decrease and reached their rock bottom at 15% and 11% in 2002 and 2004 respectively. Luckily, they gathered pace and made a recovery to increase steadily in the remainder of the surveyed period. (It is noted that the proportion of young adults living in the capital was merely higher than that of dwellers living outside London)
In the year of 1993, the overall adult unemployment rate in London accounted for 14%, which was slightly higher than its counterpart-the rate in the rest of England, a difference of 4%. A striking similarity is that these figures then had a significant decrease in the 10 consecutive years and were below 10% at the end of the survey.

The line illustrates (Illustrate is "make a picture." It is good for maps, process flow charts, diagrams and other types of figures with images. It is not good for graphs, bar charts, pie charts and tables.) how the proportion of unemployment of people who aged from 16 to 24 years (wrong expression. "Aged from 16 to 24 means that theses people grew older.) in England changed in the period of 20 years from 1993 to 2012. (There are four lines on the chart, and you have only mentioned one.)


Suggestion:

Opening paragraph - describe clearly the four different curves on the graph.


The line graph compares unemployment percentages of young people with the general population in two geographical areas, London and the rest of England, between 1993 and 2012. The young people were those between the ages of 16 and 24. The source of the data was the Labour Force Survey, ONS.

Paragraph 2: Give two or three most important observations.

Overall, the rank ordering of the four different measurements did not change over the entire survey period. The highest unemployment was always among London's youth, and the lowest always in the general population living outside London. The unemployment was higher for London residents compared to those living in the rest of the country. Further, the youth unemployment increased over the period whereas that of the general population decreased.

Paragraph 3: Give some significant details.

The unemployment trended lower for all groups between 1993 and 2001-2002. The minimum values were 15% for London youth, 11% for youth outside London, 7% for the general population in London, and about 5% for the last group, the country outside of London. Between 2002 and 2012, unemployment rose, but the increase was much more marked for the young people. In 2012, their level of unemployment reached 10% and 15% for those outside London and in London, respectively. At the same time, unemployment in the general population was between about 7 and 9%.



Overall, while the percentage of young adults who were jobless in England showed a fluctuating leapfrog, (That is very bad. It is not a valid mathematical expression. ) the overall rate of adults without a job indicated (wrong word) a slight dip.
In 1993, level of joblessness in 16 to 24-year-old English living in London took the lead, with was highest roughly 22%, which was 5% higher than that of those living in the rest of England. Both decreased figures then experienced a (Numbers do not have experiences. Only living creatures have experiences.) significant decrease and reached their rock bottom (That is not a mathematical expression. It is too casual. Do not write emotional expressions in Task 1. Write for a math or science professor.) lowest values at 15% and 11% in 2002 and 2004 respectively. Luckily, (That is an opinion. Do not write opinions in Task 1. Just describe the data.) they gathered pace and made a recovery to increased steadily in the remainder of the surveyed period. (It is noted that the proportion of young adults living in London the capital was merely higher than that of dwellers those living outside London)
In the year of 1993, the overall adult unemployment rate in London was accounted for 14%, which was slightly higher than its counterpart-the rate in the rest of England, a difference of 4%. A striking similarity is that they these figures then had a significant decrease in the next 10 consecutive years and were below 10% at the end of the survey.


These essays are quite difficult. You need to appreciate the difference between an argumentative essay (Task 2) and an reporting essay (Task 1).

In Task 2, you can use all kinds of figurative language and expressions, but in Task 1, only use objective and neutral fact-finding language.

Please read my advice for Task 1 essays: https://www.englishforums.com/English/IeltsTaskHintsTipsAdvice/bxgnkx/post.htm