+0

In many countries the level of crime is increasing and crimes are becoming more violent. Why do you think this is and what can be done about it?

An increase in the crime rate has been seen in many nations in the world. Besides, crimes committed by offenders are also getting more serious. So in my opinion, governments should find solutions to resolve these issues as quickly as possible.
First of all, the reason for the rise in the level of crime is that the number of unemployed people all over the world is significantly increasing. As a result, many of them resort to drugs or have no choice but to commit offenses as a way of making a living. Furthermore, today the media has become popular with many forms of entertainment. However, video games or movies with inappropriate content may desensitize teenagers to violence or some deviation from accepted norms. For example, a child may see aggressive characters in a movie as its role model and mimic the violent behavior if he watches films too much.
Additionally, in some countries, especially developing ones, the economy is stagnant and the standard of living is low. The residents are not provided enough education as well. Consequently, many people can not resist the temptation to take part in criminal activities including both minor and major crimes. Moreover, crimes are also becoming more severe because weapons such as guns, rifles, etc. are upgraded constantly. Some countries do not even prohibit the use of them, for example, America allows people to carry guns.
Therefore, I find that the following solutions should be taken into consideration. First, governments should impose more severe punishments on major crimes such as murder or robbery so that they would serve as a deterrent to the potential criminals. For instance, a murderer has to be sentenced to death or life imprisonment. Second, we need to provide more education or vocational training for the unemployed, because of that they can have the chance to find a great job. Moreover, publishers as well as broadcasters had better censor violent or offensive contents on television and other sources of information. Also, crime prevention programs ought to be encouraged as well.
In conclusion, we must acknowledge that this problem can not be solved in a short time. But the governments still need to take urgent action to reduce the level of crime.

+1

Dear Sherlock;

We have given you feedback on several posts, but you did not respond at all. Do you read this feedback? Do you appreciate it? Did you have any questions about it? If we don't hear back from you, we will assume that you are not paying any attention and help other students.

+1

You wrote 370 words. The minimum is 250. You will not lose points for writing more; however, longer essays generally do not get high scores. There are many reasons.

First, the longer the essay, the more chances you have to make errors, and you will lose points for these errors.
Second, your writing may be repetitious and wordy. This will cost you points.

Third, you will likely stray off-topic, and examiners will deduct points if you are not focused on the topic.


Fourth, you will take a lot of time writing, and not have time left over to proofread your essay. You will miss the silly mistakes, and that lowers your score.

Fifth, you will not have enough time to spend on Task 1, and get a lower score there.

You should aim for about 270 words in Task 2.



An increase in the crime rate has been seen in many nations in the world. Besides, crimes committed by offenders are also getting more serious. So in my opinion, governments should find solutions to resolve reverse this disturbing trend these issues as quickly as possible. (When you have something that is continuously increasing or decreasing, it is a trend. So "trend" is a very good word choice. "reversing a trend" means to turn it around so it is trending in the opposite direction, in this case, going down. You missed addressing part of the task. "Why is this the case?" So you will lose some points for task completion. You need to address every point in the essay prompt. e.g.

Besides, the most common crimes are felonies rather than petty misdemeanors. From my observations, the underlying reason is poor economic conditions, and governments must take this trend seriously and find solutions that will reverse it..

)
First of all, the reason for the rise in the level of crime is that the number of unemployed people all over the world is significantly increasing significantly. As a result, The stress and financial difficulties cause many of them resort to drugs or have no choice but to steal money or valuables commit offenses as a way of making a living. (You need a much better transition! This is a very bad transition. There is no logical flow of ideas.) Furthermore, since they have lots of free time, they entertain themselves with video games or movies. today the media has become popular with many forms of entertainment. However, These video games or movies with inappropriate content may desensitize them teenagers (The unemployed are not teenagers..) to violence or some deviation from accepted norms. So they do not feel guilty after robbing an old lady of her grocery money. For example, a child (A child is not unemployed.) may see aggressive characters in a movie as its role model and mimic the violent behavior if he watches films too much.

(A paragraph has one main idea. This paragraph's idea is about unemployed people going into crime. It is not about children or teens and violent games. You will not get a good score for that paragraph because it is so disjointed. I suggested changes which all relate to "unemployed people")


( You need a better transition. This paragraph does not link to the previous one.)
There are more fundamental reasons underlying the high unemployment rates. Additionally, in some countries, especially developing ones, the economy is stagnant and the standard of living is low. The residents citizens are not provided enough education as well. Consequently, many people can not find jobs and resist the temptation to take part in criminal activities including both minor and major crimes. (This is repeating the points in the previous paragraph. ) Moreover, crimes are also becoming more severe because weapons such as guns, rifles, etc. (Do not use ellipses, "etc." or phrases like "and so on" in formal essays.) are upgraded constantly. (That makes no sense. Do you mean a gun owner trades in his BB gun for an assault rifle?) Some countries do not even prohibit the use of them, for example, America allows people to carry guns.


Therefore, I find that the following solutions should be taken into consideration. First, governments should impose more severe punishments on major crimes such as murder or robbery so that they would serve as a deterrent to the potential criminals. For instance, a murderer has to be sentenced to death or life imprisonment. (Your main point was unemployed having to steal money to earn a living. Murder is straying off topic..) Second, we need to provide more education or vocational training for the unemployed, because of that they can have a the chance to find a great job. Moreover, publishers as well as broadcasters had better censor violent or offensive contents on television and games with excess violence must be removed from app stores. and other sources of information. Also, crime prevention programs ought to be encouraged as well.


In conclusion, we must acknowledge that this problem can not be solved in a short time. But the governments still need to take urgent action to reduce the level of crime.

Students: We have free audio pronunciation exercises.
Comments  

My apologies. I must say that I did read your feedback very carefully, I just do not have enough time to answer them. I'll try to be more active and help other students.

Sherlock Nguyen I just do not have enough time to answer them.

Have you learned anything?

Sherlock Nguyen help other students.

You did not understand me.
I said that I will help other students instead of you.

Teachers: We supply a list of EFL job vacancies

So could you tell me what I should do?

Sherlock NguyenSo could you tell me what I should do?

Yes, be a good student.

A good student acknowledges help from teachers, don't they?
A good student studies their mistakes and learns about them, so they do not make the same mistake again. Isn't that true? A good student revises their writing and asks for more feedback to see if they know how to fix their mistakes.

There are many more qualities of a good student. Teachers love good students because they feel like they are making a difference.


Do you want to be a good student?

 AlpheccaStars's reply was promoted to an answer.
Students: Are you brave enough to let our tutors analyse your pronunciation?
AlpheccaStars(When you have something that is continuously increasing or decreasing, it is a trend. So "trend" is a very good word choice. "reversing a trend" means to turn it around so it is trending in the opposite direction, in this case, going down. You missed addressing part of the task. "Why is this the case?" So you will lose some points for task completion. You need to address every point in the essay prompt. e.g.

I do not understand this, could you elaborate more?

AlpheccaStarssince they have lots of free time

why don't we use "because" instead of since?

AlpheccaStars(A paragraph has one main idea. This paragraph's idea is about unemployed people going into crime. It is not about children or teens and violent games. You will not get a good score for that paragraph because it is so disjointed. I suggested changes which all relate to "unemployed people")

I don't get your point, please explain for me

Sherlock NguyenI do not understand this, could you elaborate more?

It is written in very clear English. Do you understand the word "trend"?

Trend = a steady increase or decrease

For example, on this time series bar chart, home ownership trended upwards from 1918-1991. That trend reversed in 2001. There was no clear trend between 1991 and 2001.

On this line graph, you can see the amount of CO2 in the atmosphere is trending upwards. Humans need to take action to reverse this trend to avoid the worse effects of global warming.

Sherlock Nguyentask completion.

Do you know how these essays are scored? "Task completion" accounts for 25% of the total band score.

Here is the task.

In many countries the level of crime is increasing and crimes are becoming more violent.

Why do you think this is and what can be done about it?

There are two questions:

1. Why do you think this is?

2. What can be done about it?

In your first paragraph, you wrote about #1, but did not write about #2.

Sherlock NguyenAlpheccaStars(A paragraph has one main idea. This paragraph's idea is about unemployed people going into crime. It is not about children or teens and violent games. You will not get a good score for that paragraph because it is so disjointed. I suggested changes which all relate to "unemployed people")
I don't get your point, please explain for me

You need to understand what a paragraph is and how to write a good paragraph. 25% of the band score comes from transitions within paragraphs.

Here is a video lesson about paragraphs. You need to study the concept of paragraph and learn how to write paragraphs.

https://youtu.be/0IFDuhdB2Hk


Here is a good resource that explains paragraphs:

https://owl.purdue.edu/owl/general_writing/academic_writing/paragraphs_and_paragraphing/index.html