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Please check and give feedback on my essay. Thank you in advance.

Crime is such a heated issue all over the world. It is noted that adolescents account for a large proportion of the crime rate in some nations. The predominant driving force behind this phenomenon as well as proper measures would be discussed in my essay below.

To commence with, the reasons for the increasing number of juvenile delinquents can be observed. Firstly, teenagers suffering from a deficiency of parental attention and care are more likely to commit an offence. The society is becoming more and more competitive, which in turn entails huge workload and financial burden. This forces parents to put the majority of their attention and time to their career in an attempt to bring their children a better living condition. Ironically, parents’ hard work can result in their children’s illegal behaviors. However, being free from parents’ surveillance, impressionable teenagers might be incited to engage in criminal activities. Moreover, a lack of proper education is regarded as another reason. There is a truth that the dropout rate in some underdeveloped countries is very high. Even those who desire to be educated are often obliged to stay at home and make money. Consequently, adolescents in poor region are unaware of the serious consequences and harsh punishment of those offences. They are not capable of figuring out a method to achieve what they want, so they resort to unlawful acts. For example, Afghanistan is one of the nations that have the highest illiteracy rate, and the crime rate here is also respective.

Confronted with such a thorny issue, parents and educators should come up with a variety of effective countermeasures. The first action to take to reduce crimes among young adults is to send them to reform schools or to implement some rehabilitation programs. The surrounding environment has great influence on teenage behavior. Therefore, being under the control of a stringent and methodical system would do youngsters good. Furthermore, it is necessary for the government to provide occupational opportunities, especially manual work, for teenagers who are educationally underprivileged. As a result, they would be able to meet their own needs without breaking the law. However, it is still not enough to educate youngsters only, but to launch educational campaigns for parents as well. Thanks to those campaigns, parents will be equipped with knowledge and skills about how to build up an intimate relationship with their offspring. Hence, they will stand more chances of preventing and realizing the first signs of juvenile delinquency.

In conclusion, a lack of parental attention and education may be the main cause of the increasing rate of youth crimes. In order to solve this problem, it is essential for both parents and the government to take appropriate actions.

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I'm practising for the IELTS writing test

Juvenile crime is such a heated issue in many countries all over the world. It is noted that adolescents account for a large proportion of the crime rate in some nations. The predominant driving force There are certain factors behind this phenomenon, as well as but there are also effective measures which can alleviate it. proper measures would be discussed in my essay below.

To commence with, the reasons for the increasing number of juvenile delinquents can be observed.

There are several reasons for the high rate of juvenile crime. Firstly, some teenagers suffering from a deficiency of who lack parental control attention and care are more likely to commit an offence. The As society is becoming becomes more and more competitive, which in turn entails huge workload and financial burden. This forces parents are under greater pressure to put the majority focus most of their attention and time to on their career in an attempt to bring instead of their children. a better living condition. Ironically, parents’ hard work this can result in their children breaking the law. ’s illegal behaviors. However, being free from parents’ surveillance, Unsupervised, impressionable teenagers might be incited to engage in criminal activities. Moreover, a lack of proper education is regarded as another reason. There is a truth It is acknowledged that the dropout rate in some underdeveloped countries is very high. Even those who desire to be educated are often obliged to stay at home and make money. Consequently, some adolescents in poor region are unaware of the serious consequences and harsh punishment of those offences. They are not capable of figuring out a method to achieve what they want, so they resort to unlawful acts to get money or as a result of peer pressure. For example, Afghanistan is one of the nations that have the highest illiteracy rate, and the crime rate here is also respective.

Confronted with such a thorny issue, parents and educators should come up with consider a variety of effective countermeasures.

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Some comments:

1- Note how much text I’ve crossed out. In the real exam, you only have time to write around 250-280 words.

2- The first point in your second body paragraph is not well thought out. Who does “they” refer to? Also, I’m not sure that point is persuasive. Try to think of another one, such as providing sports facilities for children in poor areas, or trying to break up drug gangs. Revise and post below.