Hi

Please tell me if the introduction is all right for IELTS Task 2 Writing.

More and more people today are moving away from where their friends and family live. Do the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages?

My introduction:

These days people are prefer living away from their friends and family. This has fewer advantages than disadvantages. When people prefer to live away from the friends and family members, they could find it very difficult when they fall into hard times, and it could have an adverse effect on the children.

In the first body paragraph I elaborate on how people going away from friends and family struggle find it very difficult to deal with hard situations.

And, in the second body paragraph I explain how it affects the children.

In the conclusion paragraph I restate my position and the main ideas in a different form.

vsureshThese days people are prefer living away from their friends and family. This has fewer advantages than disadvantages. When people prefer to live away from the friends and family members, they could find it very difficult when they fall into hard times, and it could have an adverse effect on the children.

This is an unfounded assertion. How do you know they prefer to do that? The question says 'moving away' without any reference to 'preference'.

vsureshIn the first body paragraph I elaborate on how people going away from friends and family struggle find it very difficult to deal with hard situations.And, in the second body paragraph I explain how it affects the children.

This will receive a 5.0 in Task Response. You must consider both sides, not just the disadvantages.

Persian LearnerThis is an unfounded assertion. How do you know they prefer to do that? The question says 'moving away' without any reference to 'preference'.
Persian LearnerThis will receive a 5.0 in Task Response. You must consider both sides, not just the disadvantages.

I understand. Will make necessary changes and post the essay in full.

Thank you for your comments.

Suresh

Teachers: We supply a list of EFL job vacancies

Try to weigh up both sides and make out a case for your position.

The following may give you some insights into 'outweigh' essays.

https://ieltsliz.com/do-the-advantages-outweigh-the-disadvantages/

Thank you, Persian Learner.

Here is the essay. Please give your comments.


More and more people are moving away from where their friends and family live. Do you the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

Today people are increasingly moving away from their friends and family. While this has advantages and disadvantages, I believe the latter outweighs the former.

One of the main reasons that people move away from their friends and family is they are unable to focus enough on the needs of their spouse and children. Life amidst family and friends can be so demanding that there is always one thing or another about them that requires one’s time and effort. For example, friends expect us to join weekly get-togethers which are usually at weekends. And, when a friend or a family member has financial emergency they seek our support. Further, we may be required to help them in a range of mundane chores from babysitting to taking care of their pets when they go on tours.

The disadvantage of this trend is when people are moving away from their friends and family they are leaving those who can add a lot of meaning to their life. Time spent with family and friends is highly valuable because when we share our joy with them the joy gets doubled, and the consolation they give us during difficult times reduces our sorrows and instils hope. And, in situations where we find it hard to make right choices, advice of friends and family can be highly helpful. Above all, life with friends and family gives us the confidence that we have people to protect us when we are threatened by strangers.

In all, people feel when they are away from friends and family they are able to take care of their spouse and children better, but a life without friends and family, apart from making us feel insecure, can make happy moments dull and sad times, lonely and desolate.

vsureshToday people are increasingly moving away from their friends and family. While this has advantages and disadvantages, I believe the latter outweighs the former.

It's not recommended to copy phrases directly from the prompt.

Model introduction:

A century back, it was very uncommon for families to live very far from each other. Now, an increasing number of people move to different regions, cities, or even leave their countries for good. I believe, overall, this is an undesirable trend chiefly because nothing can substitute for a friend or a family member especially in times of hardship.

vsureshOne of the main reasons that people move away from their friends and family is they are unable to focus enough on the needs of their spouse and children. Life amidst family and friends can be so demanding that there is always one thing or another about them that requires one’s time and effort. For example, friends expect us to join weekly get-togethers which are usually at weekends. And, when a friend or a family member has financial emergency they seek our support. Further, we may be required to help them in a range of mundane chores from babysitting to taking care of their pets when they go on tours.

The wording is not very natural, but the main problem is that it is tangential to the task; your response is on-topic, but off-task. You're not supposed to talk about the reasons (as your topic sentence suggests) or disadvantages in that paragraph, but to talk about the advantages.

Model advantage paragraph:

Living away from families and relations is not always a decision made by heart. People oftentimes have to migrate from their cities and hometowns in pursuit of better living conditions. Although they lose the company and the support of their dears, they still decide to leave everything behind. For example, many people have to move to larger cities hundreds of kilometers away to look for a better job to provide for their families, and some others leave their countries for educational purposes. They realize that they cannot fulfill their ambitions with the current, limited facilities available to them where they live. A friend of mine, a Ph.D. holder in Physics, had to reluctantly leave Iran for Finland to work in a laboratory as the tools and materials she needed for her project were out of the question in Iran.

vsureshThe disadvantage of this trend is when people are moving away from their friends and family they are leaving those who can add a lot of meaning to their life. Time spent with family and friends is highly valuable because when we share our joy with them the joy gets doubled, and the consolation they give us during difficult times reduces our sorrows and instils hope. And, in situations where we find it hard to make right choices, advice of friends and family can be highly helpful. Above all, life with friends and family gives us the confidence that we have people to protect us when we are threatened by strangers.

Think of another more convincing disadvantage. You're sort of repeating yourself from the fourth line where I've crossed out. At the end of the essay, the reader must be convinced that the demerits outweigh the merits.

vsureshIn all, people feel when they are away from friends and family they are able to take care of their spouse and children better, but a life without friends and family, apart from making us feel insecure, can make happy moments dull and sad times, lonely and desolate.

I'm not convinced they can't in actuality. The conclusion lacks focus and seems repetitive. You're not supposed to introduce new ideas, but nor should you repeat yourself; you should reach a conclusion and tell us what you have found based on what was discussed throughout the essay to this point.

TR band 6:

* presents a relevant position although the conclusion may become unclear or repetitive

I'd like you to spend enough time planning your essay, and don't hurry about your position. Try to brainstorm as much as possible considering both sides, then let the result of brainstorming tell you what position is best to take.

Students: We have free audio pronunciation exercises.
Persian LearnerYou're not supposed to talk about the reasons (as your topic sentence suggests) or disadvantages in that paragraph, but to talk about the advantages.

I understand. A very important point

Thank you

Persian LearnerYou're sort of repeating yourself from the fourth line where I've crossed out.

I got it. Thank you.

Persian Learner The conclusion lacks focus and seems repetitive. You're not supposed to introduce new ideas, but nor should you repeat yourself; you should reach a conclusion and tell us what you have found based on what was discussed throughout the essay to this point.

I understand. Thank you

Once again, thank you very much for comments and model paragraphs.

Suresh