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Tim pulls out his wallet and looks down the bar to see the bartender busy talking to another customer. As he waits, he pulls out his phone and checks his messages. A few minutes later the bartender comes over. Tim pays him and leaves.


Is this perfect as it is?

Comments  

This is entirely okay as is. The only thing I might question is the phrase "Tim pulls out his wallet". Typically, when someone "pulls out his wallet [or pulls out anything]", you expect something to happen (the verb "pull out" is a very action-laden verb, like in the phrases "pulls out a gun", "pulls out a wad of cash", etc.), but in the passage you have a long delay before that something occurs: "Tim pays him". Stylistically, the passage might be better is you left out the words "pulls out his wallet and". In the same vein, the words "pulls out his phone and" should also be omitted (and this part changed to "As he waits, he checks the messages on his phone."), as the verb "pulls out" is too action-oriented for the mere act of checking your messages.