Well, as the title says, I'm going to be using this poem to apply for a scholarship. For details see this site: http://www.heardthewordpoetry.com/scholarship

I applied for it this summer with a very traditional poem, complete with uniform syllables and rhymings and what not. I wrote that before I read the works by previous winners, which were, well... let's say extremely modern...

So this time I wrote a modern poem to try my luck again. I have basically no experience in writing poems, so any comments and suggestions will be welcomed! Thanks!

And this is my first time posting on Englishforum.com! Hi everyone!

Like A Book

You are like a book.

Your locks toss and flip in the wind,

Like pages of a neglected book by the window

Being read by the wind.

You locks cling to your forehead under the rain,

Like delicate ink letters cling to the paper

With stubborn endearment.

Your hair is like a book.

When the sun makes you blink,

Your eyelids fall and your lashes cast shadows on your face,

Like loosening my thumb just so

To let just one page out of a hundred under my finger to fall,

With a gentle whisper,

To cast shadows on the previous page.

Your eyes are like a book.

When I lay my hand on your skin,

It warms up and dampens under my fingers,

Like laying my hand on a page

As it warms and dampens under my fingers.

Your skin is like a book.

When I stand two feet away from you,

You smell like chocolate, sweet and delicious.

When I stand one foot away from you,

You smell like steel, unyielding and intelligent.

Your scent is like a book.

You fall asleep in that worn armchair,

Coiled up and ruffled,

Like a well-read book, closed and left behind.

You wake up in that worn armchair,

Unsuspecting yet ready,

Like a well-read book, picked up, opened, and read again.

You sleep and wake like a book.

You are quiet,

Yet you say so much.

You look thin,

Yet you are so layered.

You are like a book.

_____________
1 2
Not bad.

I would keep the title but eliminate all the repetitive '____ like a book' lines between the stanzas: they are too obvious, and if the reader does not get it from the stanzas themselves, you have failed anyway.

Chocolate and steel have nothing to do with the book motif. That stanza should be deleted or radically modified.

I am not sure I like the brief quatrain at the end. If it is meant to be pithy, then the rest of the poem seems superfluous. I would expand it into another fuller stanza.

Good luck on your scholarship.
Thank you for the comments!

I didn't realize the last stanza was that stabbing, now that you mentioned it, it does make the whole poem seems pointless... Maybe it'll make a good epitaph someday...

Edited now, hopfully the last stanza is more subtle?

_____

You are like a book.

Your locks toss and flip in the wind,
Like pages of a neglected book by the window
Being read by the wind.
You locks cling to your forehead under the rain,
Like delicate ink letters cling to the paper
With stubborn endearment.

When the sun makes you blink,
Your eyelids fall and your lashes cast shadows on your face,
Like loosening my thumb just so
To let just one page out of a hundred under my finger to fall,
With a gentle whisper,
To cast shadows on the previous page.

When I lay my hand on your skin,
It warms up and dampens under my fingers,
Like laying my hand on a page
As it warms and dampens under my fingers.

You fall asleep in that worn armchair,
Coiled up and ruffled,
Like a well-read book, closed and left behind.
You wake up in that worn armchair,
Unsuspecting yet ready,
Like a well-read book, picked up, opened, and read again.

You are quiet,
Yet I can hear you above the clamourous crowd.
You look thin,
Yet no bulwark shields me as you do.

You are like a book.

_______
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Much better, Heimdall-- I like it. (Of course, I am only a single critic, and one who adores both women and books, so I hope another member will offer comment as well.) The 4th line should read your, not you, I suspect.

Three things:

(1) In the 4th line, 2nd stanza, the verb phrase would better be to let fall (no second to-- let to fall sounds archaic at best), and fall placed at the end of that line seems a bit odd; I would begin the next line with it, thus:

To let just one page out of a hundred under my finger
fall with a gentle whisper


(2) In the final stanza, look weakens the image, and I would change it to are: You are thin.

(3) Much current opinion frowns upon initial capitalization of each line, preferring (as less distracting) capitalization and punctuation which follow normal prose rules (e.g. capitalizing only the first word of each sentence), thus:

You are quiet,
yet I can hear you above the clamourous crowd.
You are thin,
yet no bulwark shields me as you do
.

But I will leave you to it. Again, best of luck.
Thank you for all the help! It's great to have supportive and contructive comments as a new poet!

I'll post on the newest edition, just in case there's other comments coming.

Once again, thank you Mister Micawber!

Like a Book
__________

You are like a book.

Your locks toss and flip in the wind,
like pages of a neglected book by the window
being read by the wind.
Your locks cling to your forehead under the rain,
like delicate ink letters cling to the paper
with stubborn endearment.

When the sun makes you blink,
your eyelids fall and your lashes cast shadows on your face,
like loosening my thumb just so
to let just one page out of a hundred under my finger
to fall with a gentle whisper,
to cast shadows on the previous page.

When I lay my hand on your skin,
it warms up and dampens under my fingers,
like laying my hand on a page
as it warms and dampens under my fingers.

You fall asleep in that worn armchair,
coiled up and ruffled,
like a well-read book, closed and left behind.
You wake up in that worn armchair,
unsuspecting yet ready,
like a well-read book, picked up, opened, and read again.

You are quiet,
yet I can hear you above the clamourous crowd.
You are thin,
yet no bulwark shields me as you do.

You are like a book.

____________
This is a good poem. A few suggestions to help you. Maybe you can try to eliminate the 'like' word in all the lines and directly use metaphors which would make it a more interesting poem.You can start with 'You are a book'.

And maybe you can chage the title also to 'A book'.And maybe you could do some changes with this stanza below as this is the only one which rhymes and hence sounds odd.And also this has 4 lines while the others have 6 which is again odd.

When I lay my hand on your skin,
it warms up and dampens under my fingers,
like laying my hand on a page
as it warms and dampens under my fingers.


And maybe you could drop the last repetitive line.IMO. Just a suggestion, of course. Good luck.
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Thank you for commenting!

Hmm, I didn't realize how odd that stanza sounded before you pointed out, and it sounds a bit repetitive too. Does this sound better? Or is it too wordy?

When I lay my hand on your skin,
it flushes and moistens under my fingers
form my unwavering attention,
like laying my hand on a page of a book
as it warms and dampens under my touch
from my persistent interest.

Can you give an example for using a metaphor in my poem? I'm not sure how to go about doing it without sounding like I'm actually talking about a book, not a person...

About the first and last line: What do you think if I keep the "like" in the first line, and change to "You are a book" for the last? Would that sound better?

Thanks again for helping!
g'day heimdall

i was blown away when i first realised that don maclean had changed a word in the refrain of american pie in order to tell a story within a story and i suggest that you adopt this approach with your line

you are like a book

your hair is from a book

you eyes are to a book

you skin touches a book

your scent is about a book

you sleep and wake for a book

you are a book

see ya

robert

ps

excellent poetry
I like it too... Emotion: big smile
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