Hi, i have to write an alternate ending to Lord Of The Flies for school. Please review my piece, constructive critique please.

Chapter 13: The end of Innocence

The assortment of savages approached, with spears in their hands and beasts in their hearts. Ralph realised the obvious, his life was lingering.

“There he is, after him troops” said Jack as he watched Ralph runaway into the granular waterfront. Ralph realising he had no where to go, he surrendered himself to Jack. “Trapped like a pig, take it to the base, we have something special planned.” The savages marched towards Ralph like wolves, grabbing him firmly by the arms, depriving his hands of blood.

As they approached the entrance he looked down at the place piggy had been murdered, his heart skipped a beat as he thought of what might happen to him. Castle Rock, a cold dark place with a strange, inexplicable erry quality, the stone walls where covered with the carving of primitive beasts and ritualistic symbols. He was tied down unshakably, his feet and arms bound to an obese log.

“Jack! Jack! You savage I’m talking to you” Ralph barked at Jack, unfazed by his rude tone of voice Jack turned his head, ignoring Ralph, “I demand to know where Samneric are, immediately!” Moments later Roger appeared from the forest and spoke to Jack inaudibly, Jack nodded. “Troops prepare for the ceremony at once!” Ordered Jack. It took six big un’s to lift the obese log, they hurled him into the dead forest where they had something special planned for him. He fell to the ground with a deafening thud, he saw Eric run towards him, cut his rope, he turned around to find the big un’s that had been carrying him lying on the floor, motionless, speechless, possibly dead. Ralph turned to Eric who quickly took him into a hideout he had found. The air was humid and he could smell the stench of decay and smoke. “Eric! Its really you, how did you get here?” questioned Ralph. “I managed to escape when they all went to look for you.” Eric said with tears in his eyes, “Where is Sam?” said Ralph knowing that something was dreadfully wrong. “They...killed him Ralph, I-“He couldn’t speak as the tears welled up inside of him” What? This can’t be!” he felt the anger rage inside of him as if the beast had consumed this soul. “Quick, I hear the savages coming, run!” they quickly ran outward towards the scar, “we can hide behind the plane, hurry!” Ralph instructed, with a sense of chiefdom.

As the dawn drew closer, Ralph passed out of exhaustion, Eric lying next to him ominously. Ralph awoke to the petrifying sight of Eric lying next to him, with blood gushing from his body and a stab wound in his neck. In the sand next to Eric there was the words “Sorry, I couldn’t bare it anymore.” Ralph had realised that Eric had taken his own life, and left him alone in the world. He wasn’t as aghast as before, the last few days on the island had desensitized him, and he was silent. The only people left on the island was Jack and him. He pulled the knife out from Eric’s neck, blood gushing, he had to finish this, he had to face his foe.

On arrival to Castle Rock he took no notice of his surroundings as before, he had his gaze fixed on revenge, the beast had taken his friends and his heart. “Jack! You maggot-“He stopped as he found Jack lying breathlessly on the floor, bleeding from his eyes. “The...Beast! I’m sorry” murmured Jack as his eyes closed forever. He beast had consumed everything on the island.

He edged near the end of the cliff, having no hope of rescue or survival, he flung himself to the very end.

Thanks alot guys Emotion: smile
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depressing
You have some minor mechanical issues here and there.

You need to show more and tell less. e.g. Ralph awoke to the petrifying sight of Eric lying next to him, with blood gushing from his body and a stab wound in his neck. In the sand next to Eric there was the words “Sorry, I couldn’t bear it anymore.” Ralph had realised that Eric had taken his own life, and left him alone in the world. (stating the obvious)
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your story is more of an outline,it's not very descriptive and doesn't paint a clear image in my head. It's also very choppy. If you went more in septh with the concept your trying to present, them it would be better. Here's a peice from one of my stories, hope u like it. Emotion: smile
Dampee stumbled along the beaten forest path, cutting his soft flesh on the sharp thorns as he descended further and further into the depths of the woodland. Panting, he stopped by the river and sat on a flat rock, then dipped his feet into the cold water. He pulled of his tattered converse, one by one, and then his socks. Water dripped from them as he chucked them into the riverbank. Dampee took a deep breath as he looked into the water to see his reflection. His shoulder length black hair was matted to his forehead, sweat was trickling down his brow, his band tee stuck to his lanky body, and the shorts he wore were ripped up the side of his left leg. His mother was going to kill him, she just bought him these shorts yesterday, and his shoes were lost in the riverbank somewhere…
I thought your ending was exciting.

The one thing that stood out for me was that you have a few odd word choices. I think you've been in the dictionary trying to find some unusual words to use, but these have ended up being used inappropriately and really don't fit or make sense where you have them.

lingering...granular...erry (did you mean eerie)...unshakably.........obese..... inaudibly....obese......dead....
Christ, how old are you? This is really good, really professional. I have to do the same assignment as you. Although, I have no imagination, so in mine Piggy is just coming back as a zombie. A* stuff though mate. (A+ if you're american. =S)
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I preferred it up until Jack and Ralph killed themselves, they'd never do that, Eric may have possibly.
It was too short for the book

and too sad... I would rather it ended happily and reflected on themes of civillization cloaking their inner beast
First of all, when a person speaks, a new paragraph should start. There were some things that were a bit much, for example: "'The...Beast! I'm sorry' murmured Jack as his eyes closed forever." As mentioned before, some things don't really fit in like "obese log" and: “'Trapped like a pig, take it to the base, we have something special planned.'... they hurled him into the dead forest where they had something special planned for him." It's kind of repetitive and doesn't sound very good together. Also, there are some places where they don't relate, but are in the same paragraph, even thought they shouldn't be, like: "...He fell to the ground with a deafening thud, he saw Eric run towards him, cut his rope, he turned around to find the big un’s that had been carrying him lying on the floor, motionless, speechless, possibly dead. Ralph turned to Eric who quickly took him into a hideout he had found. The air was humid and he could smell the stench of decay and smoke..." The paragraph should have ended where the colors changed.

Good plot, bittersweet. I hope you got a good mark on your assignment.
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