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People have different views about what should be the ultimate goal governments aim at. Even though how to make the economy develop well can be the leading concern of most of governments, in my opinion, education should be equally focused.


There are some reasons why economy is usually the top priority of most governments. Firstly, they certainly know that none of their citizens can be happy to live in poverty which deprives them of all other opportunities such as good education, health care. Secondly, it is true that poverty has been always seen as the root of all social evils. Take underdeveloped countries as an example, chaos, robbery, murders, kidnapping happen almost every day, everywhere in these countries just because their people have no jobs and inflation increases at a galloping rate which makes even necessities become luxury to the majority of people. Thirdly, weak economy can lead to the collapse of a government. This results from the desperation of its citizens who protest against the current government and ask for a new one.


However, in order to develop sustainably, a country needs to have an advanced education because they are a base for any other developments. Modern economy has no longer based on manual labor, natural resources but technology, which advances constantly. Without a good education, a country's citizens cannot have adequate skills and knowledge to keep up with these changes. Once they cannot adapt to them, they will lose opportunities in a fierce competition where who can control will win. Education also transcends many aspects of people's life such as morality. Education makes us better citizens by teaching us how to conduct ourselves to be in harmony with others and gives us a sense of conscience. The educated can differentiate between the right and wrong, so countries with a lot of educated people usually have a lower crime rate.


In conclusion, even though economic progress is usually a promise most presidential candidates make in their election campaigns to get votes from the people, I believe education should be put in a position equal to economy in action lists of a government.

Comments  

Please do not put the entire question in the heading: simply put IELTS Task 2 or whatever. This was mentioned by AlpheccaStars in a reply to a previous posting of yours. If you do not take any notice of comments, there is not much point in people providing feedback, is there?

People have different views about what should be the ultimate goal governments aim at. [maybe rephrase as : ... what the ultimate or overriding aims, goals and objectives of governments should be. Note that government may have more than one goal. ] Even though how to make the economy develop well can be the leading concern of most of governments, in my opinion, education should be equally focused. [There is a logic issue here: if you accept that economics is the sole and single leading issue, then how could there be a second 'equally focused' item? Even though economic growth may be a major concern of most governments, I believe there should be an equal focus on education, that is, there are twin goals. ]

There are some reasons why economy is usually the top priority of most governments. Firstly, they certainly know that none of their citizens can [will/would] be happy to live in poverty which deprives them of all other opportunities such as good education, and health care. Secondly, it is true that poverty has been always seen as the root of all social evils. [This is a wild over-generalization: plenty of people would regard inequality as a root cause, while down the ages others have viewed religion, or alcohol, or witchcraft, and all manner of other items as major factors. You need to write much more cautiously. ] Take underdeveloped countries as an example, [better with a colon here: comma-splice ] chaos, robbery, murders, kidnapping happen almost every day, everywhere in these countries just because their people have no jobs [needs a comma ]and inflation increases at a galloping rate which makes even necessities become luxury to the majority of people. [Where is your evidence for this? Robberies, murders, and kidnappings happen in developed countries too. How can you be sure of the causal link with unemployment?] Thirdly, [article needed] weak economy can sometimes lead to the collapse of a government. This results from the desperation of its citizens who protest against the current government and ask for a new one.

However, in order to develop sustainably, [achieve sustainable development] a country needs to have an advanced education system because they [Who? This referencing failure will downgrade your score for Coherence and Cohesion, which account for 25% of the marking. ] are a base for any other developments. [Missing article] Modern economy has [wrong auxiliary verb] no longer based on manual labor, and natural resources but instead on technology, which advances constantly. Without a good education, a country's citizens cannot have adequate skills and knowledge to keep up with these changes. Once they cannot adapt to them, they will lose opportunities in a fierce competition where who can control will win. Education also transcends many aspects of people's life [lives] such as morality. Education makes us better citizens by teaching us how to conduct ourselves to be in harmony [My view: The Communist revolution and the Cultural revolution in China were not exercises in living in harmony. Education in the West does not stipulate harmony; rather protest and dialog as a means to promote change. How do we change and adapt if we are all too scared to break harmony? ] with others and gives us a sense of conscience. The educated can differentiate between the right and wrong, so countries with a lot of ['a lot of' is informal] educated people usually have a lower crime rate. [But manage to steal money from the poor by legalized fraud and white-collar crime?]

In conclusion, even though economic progress is usually a promise most presidential candidates make in their election campaigns to get votes from the people, I believe education should be put in a position equal to the economy in action lists of a government.

The vocabulary and grammar are quite good. Be wary of over-generalizing as this will disbar you from Band 8 for Task Achievement.

Whilst I would not deny the importance of education, in my view, protection of the environment and ecosystems should be the overriding responsibility of government, as no other body has the power needed. The economy is usually measured in terms of growth, but not in terms of distribution of wealth or equality. There are limits to economic growth, because resources are finite and growth usually involves unsustainable pollution or degradation of the environment. We should be thinking of our children, grandchildren and the generations to come, and not selfishly appropriate all the goodies ourselves and leave a mess behind.

Thank you so much for your correction and recommendation.