I have finished my letter of motivation for an International Business Program application. But as i have never written one before i am not sure if i did it the right way. Would someone please have a look at it and give me some advices to improve it?
Many thanks in advance.
Cookey

Dear ladies and gentlemen,

With this letter, I would like to explain my motivation for studying International Business in general and why I chose the UM:

After completing secondary School with the German diploma ‘Abitur’ in the summer of 2004, I would like to continue my education at a higher institution, to obtain a Bachelor of Science in International Business. In particular, I am interested in learning more about the structure and organization of a company, economical processes (in general), global economic coherences and communications, new cultures and languages. I also want do develop my methodical abilities and soft skills. Thereafter I want to use the acquired knowledge to continue in a masters program of business, aiming to be well prepared to enter the business world. It is my ambition to enrich an international operating company or to start as an independent entrepreneur, bringing in new ideas and an efficient working style.

Looking at my career aspirations as a child, one would think they were totally contradicting. I was torn between the wishes to become an architect, bank clerk, lawyer and a “stewardess”, or more proper flight attendant. At first sight these jobs have nothing in common, but looking at the main characteristics of each profession a slight direction towards the essential attributes of an international business graduate is shown.
An Architect is creative, but also has to be accurate. The Bank clerk in my eyes was that business person in a suit who juggles with numbers and who is known as a logical thinker. The lawyer represents the interest in working within guidelines and the attitude to vouch for something, as well as the motivation to convince people of ones view. The flight attendant is the profession, which is most contrary to the others. Flexibility and mobility are her main attributes, as she is always on the way and has to be ready to deal with all kind of people of different backgrounds. She has to handle the most various and unexpected situations and always has to keep calm and friendly, while collaborating with others and leading a (passenger) crowd.
All these characteristics of the professions of my early admiration caught my attention as a child and started to develop to my own interests and skills while growing up.

In school I evolved an affinity to subjects in which logical thinking was asked. This explains why mathematic and physics were my favourite subjects, when I was younger. I liked to affiliate, calculate and to construct. Finding clear answers, to given problems, satisfied me. Therefore I chose informatics as an elective course. I enjoyed working with the computer and more often started to use it as main equipment to present projects and as communicational medium to interact with juveniles in my age. Today I easily learn working with new programmes and use the internet for any kind of research and to keep in touch with people.

Due to the importance of friends in my life and through my sense of checking things from different perspectives, I often was seen as the confidant in a group. I also adopted this role into school life and was chosen as class representative several years in a row. I liked to keep a group together, which led to my interest in organizing events. I planned a few (class-, surprise- and theme-) parties and excursions, for example a trip to Six Flags in Netherlands with twenty-five people.

My affection to travelling and exploring new cultures was invoked through my Philippine background and the wanderlust of my parents. As I myself was born in Germany, my parents wanted me to get to know more about my own roots. That is why we have spent our vacations on the Philippines for many times for a longer period. However, we also travelled to many other countries to which my relatives have emigrated too. That is how I early learned to respect and to deal with cultural differences.
After my first independent journey to relatives in Canada, several school exchanges and youth trips to other countries I was motivated to plan my first own voyage across the USA last summer. It was exciting and challenging as I paid and planed the whole trip on my own, but everything worked out well. I had a great summer exploring new places and socializing with new people. My friends brought me along to their schools and I learned more about the American school system. My curiosity about studying abroad was aroused.

The interest in languages was there since I have started to talk, as I have been raised trilingual: English, German (in which I am fluently) and Ilocano (Philippine dialect).This interest increased even more during high school. I always loved to speak English with my cousins and friends and later English was my favourite subject besides math, which explains why I chose those subjects as my A-level courses. Knowing that Latin is the foundation of most languages I picked it as my second foreign language at school. Furthermore did I participate in an unsolicited Spanish course after regular class and added French in an evening school for two semesters. Starting in the mid of February I will refresh my Spanish knowledge in an intensive Spanish course, which I will be going to twice a week. When I started my occupation as an assistant in a department of international import, I came up with a new interest and aim in learning Chinese or Japanese. This idea was aroused through my contact to our suppliers and partners from all over the world and especially from Asia.

Besides my above mentioned current employment in the merchandise centre of the international company OBI (German’s leading company of building centres), I have also earned working experiences in other areas. I am a member of the German life saver association since I was little. Couple of years ago I started to voluntary coach younger swimmers, accompanied youth trips of the club and worked as an assistant life guard for three summers. Additionally I served in a hotel-restaurant on weekends and holidays, besides school to earn some extra money. I also experienced work in an online advertising company during my internship and had a job in a department of quality control. All these different jobs taught me responsibility, working within guidelines, to be accurate, how to motivate others and how to balance my time and priorities.
But the employment which influenced me most and which taught me mobility, co-operation and independence was my experience with the organization CA. I always had the aim to go abroad for a longer period after high school. So after graduating last year I went to a summer camp in Monticello, in New York State, and worked as a life guard, swimming coach and counsellor for two months.
Living together with children for eight weeks and collaborating with counsellors from all over the world, consequential from various social and ethnic backgrounds, I had to face an exciting new challenge. At the end of camp though and after my above mentioned travelling session across the USA and Canada, I could look back on four moths full of new experiences, memories and friends from all over the world. Working with children of the ages between seven to seventeen twenty-four hours almost seven days a week surely nurtured my creative side, as I always had to find a new way of entertaining them. As being a role model I also improved my skills in leading a crowd, mediating and solving problems. The most important thing I learned though was to be flexible and open towards new people and for ways of handling new situations.

Due to the international orientation of the UM I believe that the offered International business program is totally suitable for me. It combines my passion for global communication, international mobility and a multicultural environment, as well as my impulse of organizing and leading projects, in a professional way. Through my experiences in several jobs, my temporarily employment abroad and my continuous voluntary work I learned the values of commitment, teamwork and of independence. These values represent the most important requirements to study on the principles of problem based learning (PBL), which makes me accomplish the expectations of the educational system, taught at the UM.

I am confident that with my strong motivation, my personality, my international and significant practical experiences and with the International Business program on top, I will have a solid foundation for a successful and fulfilling career, in which I plan to weld relationships across cultures and ensure that intercultural communication takes place effectively.

Enclosed you will find all required documents for the International Business program. Thank you for taking the time to consider my application. I look forward to a positive response and to a great time in an outstanding educational program at the UM.

Yours respectfully,
***
1 2 3
cookey,

As with your prior attempt, this is much too long, chaotic, and informal. I would take an axe to it and keep chopping until I had a tight coherent one page (at most 1.5 pages) letter. Get rid of all the junk. You are not supposed to be telling a story. Instead, you are supposed to highlight experiences that provide information as to your motivation and interests. For example, no one cares what you think about bank tellers. Tell us why you are suited to the program. Be focused and concise in your message.

MountainHiker
ok i took out the paragraph about my career aspirations and shortened some sentences. do you think i should shorten it much more? what font size should i use? or do you think i should rewrite it?
thank you for your help.

Dear ladies and gentlemen,

With this letter, I would like to explain my motivation for studying International Business in general and why I chose the UM:

After completing secondary School with the German diploma ‘Abitur’ in the summer of 2004, I would like to continue my education at a higher institution, to obtain a Bachelor of Science in International Business. In particular, I am interested in learning more about the structure and organization of a company, economical processes (in general), global economic coherences and communications, new cultures and languages. I also want do develop my methodical abilities and soft skills. Thereafter I want to use the acquired knowledge to continue in a masters program of business, aiming to be well prepared to enter the business world to enrich an international operating company or to start as an independent entrepreneur, bringing in new ideas and an efficient working style.

In the beginning of high school mathematic and physics were my favourite subjects, as I had an affinity to logical thinking. Finding clear answers, to given problems, satisfied me. Therefore I chose informatics as an elective course. I enjoyed working with the computer and more often started to use it as main equipment to present projects and as communicational medium. Today I easily learn working with new programmes and use the internet for any kind of research and to keep in touch with people.

Due to the importance of friends in my life and through my sense of checking things from different perspectives, I often was seen as the confidant in a group. I also adopted this role into school life and was chosen as class representative several years in a row. I liked to keep a group together, which led to my interest in organizing events. I planned a few parties and excursions, for example a trip to Six Flags in Netherlands with twenty-five people.

My affection to travelling and exploring new cultures was invoked through my Philippine background and the wanderlust of my parents. Visiting the Philippines and travelling to several countries to which my relatives have emigrated too, thought me respect and how to deal with cultural differences.
After my first independent journey to relatives in Canada, several school exchanges and youth trips to other countries I was motivated to plan my first own voyage across the USA last summer. It was exciting and challenging as I paid and planed the whole trip on my own, but everything worked out well. I had a great summer exploring new places and socializing with new people. When my friends brought me along to their schools, my curiosity about studying abroad was aroused.

Languages interested me since I have started to talk, as I have been raised trilingual: English, German (in which I am fluently) and Ilocano (Philippine dialect).This interest increased even more during high school. I always enjoyed speaking English with cousins and friends and later English was my favourite subject besides math, which explains why I chose those subjects as my A-level courses, in senior classes. Knowing that Latin is the foundation of most languages I picked it as my second foreign language. Furthermore did I participate in an unsolicited Spanish course after regular class and added French in an evening school for two semesters. Starting in the mid of February I will refresh my Spanish knowledge in an intensive Spanish course. When I started my occupation as an assistant in a department of international import, I came up with a new interest and aim in learning Chinese or Japanese. This idea was aroused through my contact to our suppliers and partners from all over the world and especially from Asia.

Besides my above mentioned current employment in the merchandise centre of the international company OBI (German’s leading company of building centres), I have also earned working experiences in other areas. I am a member of the German life saver association since I was little. Couple of years ago I started to voluntary coach younger swimmers, accompanied youth trips of the club and worked as an assistant life guard for three summers. Additionally I served in a hotel-restaurant on weekends and holidays, besides school to earn some extra money. I also experienced work in an online advertising company during my internship and had a job in a department of quality control. All these different jobs taught me responsibility, working within guidelines, to be accurate, how to motivate others and how to balance my time and priorities.
But the employment which influenced me most and which taught me mobility, co-operation and independence was my experience with the organization CA. I always had the aim to go abroad for a longer period after high school. So after graduating last year I went to a summer camp in Monticello, in New York State, and worked as a life guard, swimming coach and counsellor for two months.
Living together with children for eight weeks and collaborating with counsellors from all over the world, consequential from various social and ethnic backgrounds, I had to face an exciting new challenge. At the end of camp though and after my above mentioned travelling session across the USA and Canada, I could look back on four moths full of new experiences, memories and friends from all over the world. Working with children of the ages between seven to seventeen twenty-four hours almost seven days a week surely nurtured my creative side, as I always had to find a new way of entertaining them. As being a role model I also improved my skills in leading a crowd, mediating and solving problems. The most important thing I learned though was to be flexible and open towards new people and for ways of handling new situations.

Due to the international orientation of the UM I believe that the offered International business program is totally suitable for me. It combines my passion for global communication, international mobility and a multicultural environment, as well as my impulse of organizing and leading projects, in a professional way. Through my experiences in several jobs, my temporarily employment abroad and my continuous voluntary work I learned the values of commitment, teamwork and of independence. These values represent the most important requirements to study on the principles of problem based learning (PBL), which makes me accomplish the expectations of the educational system, taught at the UM.

I am confident that with my strong motivation, my personality, my international and significant practical experiences and with the International Business program on top, I will have a solid foundation for a successful and fulfilling career, in which I plan to weld relationships across cultures and ensure that intercultural communication takes place effectively.

Enclosed you will find all required documents for the International Business program. Thank you for taking the time to consider my application. I look forward to a positive response and to a great time in an outstanding educational program at the UM.

Yours respectfully,
***
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I made a few little more changes.

Dear ladies and gentlemen,

With this letter, I would like to explain my motivation for studying International Business in general and why I chose the UM:

After completing secondary School with the German diploma ‘Abitur’ in the summer of 2004, I would like to continue my education at a higher institution, to obtain a Bachelor of Science in International Business. In particular, I am interested in learning more about the structure and organization of a company, economical processes (in general), global economic coherences and communications, new cultures and languages. I also want do develop my methodical abilities and soft skills. Thereafter I want to use the acquired knowledge to continue in a masters program of business, aiming to be well prepared to enter the business world to enrich an international operating company or to start as an independent entrepreneur, bringing in new ideas and an efficient working style.

In the beginning of high school mathematic and physics were my favourite subjects, as I had an affinity to logical thinking. Finding clear answers, to given problems, satisfied me. Therefore I chose informatics as an elective course. I enjoyed working with the computer and more often started to use it as main equipment to present projects and as communicational medium. Today I easily learn working with new programmes and use the internet for any kind of research and to keep in touch with people.

Due to the importance of friends in my life and through my sense of checking things from different perspectives, I often was seen as the confidant in a group. I also adopted this role into school life and was chosen as class representative several years in a row. I liked to keep a group together, which led to my interest in organizing events. I planned a few parties and excursions, for example a trip to Six Flags in Netherlands with twenty-five people.

My affection to travelling and exploring new cultures was invoked through my Philippine background and the wanderlust of my parents. Visiting the Philippines and travelling to several countries to which my relatives have emigrated too, taught me respect and how to deal with cultural differences.
After my first independent journey to relatives in Canada, several school exchanges and youth trips to other countries I was motivated to plan my first own voyage across the USA last summer. It was exciting and challenging as I paid and planed the whole trip on my own, but everything worked out well. I had a great summer exploring new places and socializing with new people. When my friends brought me along to their schools, my curiosity about studying abroad was aroused.

Languages interested me since I have started to talk, as I have been raised trilingual: English, German (in which I am fluently) and Ilocano (Philippine dialect).This interest increased even more during high school. I always enjoyed speaking English with cousins and friends and later English was my favourite subject besides math, which explains why I chose those subjects as my A-level courses, in senior classes. Knowing that Latin is the foundation of most languages I picked it as my second foreign language. Furthermore did I participate in an unsolicited Spanish course after regular class and added French in an evening school for two semesters. Starting in the mid of February I will refresh my Spanish knowledge in an intensive Spanish course. When I started my occupation as an assistant in a department of international import, I came up with a new interest and aim in learning Chinese or Japanese. This idea was aroused through my contact to our suppliers and partners from all over the world and especially from Asia.

Besides my above mentioned current employment in the merchandise centre of the international company OBI (German’s leading company of building centres), I have also earned working experiences in other areas. As a member of the German life saver association, I started to voluntary coach younger swimmers, accompanied youth trips of the club and worked as an assistant life guard for three summers a couple of years ago. Additionally I served in a hotel-restaurant on weekends and holidays to earn some extra money. I also experienced work in an online advertising company during my internship and had a job in a department of quality control. All these different employments taught me responsibility, working within guidelines, to be accurate, how to motivate others and how to balance my time and priorities.
But the employment which influenced me most and which taught me mobility, co-operation and independence was my experience with the organization CA. I always had the aim to go abroad for a longer period after high school. So after graduating last year I went to a summer camp in Monticello, in New York State, and worked as a life guard, swimming coach and counsellor.
Living together with children for eight weeks and collaborating with counsellors from all over the world, consequential from various social and ethnic backgrounds, I had to face an exciting new challenge. At the end of camp though and after my above mentioned travelling session across America, I could look back on four moths full of new experiences, memories and friends from all over the world. Working with children of the ages between seven to seventeen twenty-four hours almost seven days a week surely nurtured my creative side, as I always had to find a new way of entertaining them. As being a role model I also improved my skills in leading a crowd, mediating and solving problems. The most important thing I learned though was to be flexible and open towards new people and for ways of handling new situations.

Due to the international orientation of the UM I believe that the offered International business program is totally suitable for me. It combines my passion for global communication, international mobility and a multicultural environment, as well as my impulse of organizing and leading projects, in a professional way. Through my experiences in several jobs, my temporarily employment abroad and my continuous voluntary work I learned the values of commitment, teamwork and of independence. These values represent the most important requirements to study on the principles of problem based learning (PBL), which makes me accomplish the expectations of the educational system, taught at the UM.

I am confident that with my strong motivation, my personality, my international and significant practical experiences and with the International Business program on top, I will have a solid foundation for a successful and fulfilling career, in which I plan to weld relationships across cultures and ensure that intercultural communication takes place effectively.

Enclosed you will find all required documents for the International Business program. Thank you for taking the time to consider my application. I look forward to a positive response and to a great time in an outstanding educational program at the UM.

Yours respectfully,
***
Hi Cookey,

While that's a good start, you still got lots of clutter in your letter. Keep chopping.

If it were me, I would tell the reader up front what my strengths are. And then I would give the reader examples of where I demonstrated my strengths. And then I would summarize my strengths and say how it applies to university.

Follow the addage: Tell'em what you gonna tell'em, tell'em, tell'me what you told'em.

As it stands now, I have to keep notes with a pencil and paper what your skills are and how it might possibly relate to your university. Too much work.

MountainHiker
Dear Mountainhiker,

thanks a lot for your advices. I will try to follow them and post my result later. I got a question though, how can i tell them about my strenght right at the beginning without just putting one after another. Hmm if you had a lil hint on that one i would appreciate it.

Thank you for helping me.
cookey
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Dear ladies and gentlemen,

With this letter, I would like to explain my motivation for studying International Business in general and why I chose the UM:

After completing secondary School with the German diploma ‘Abitur’ in the summer of 2004, I would like to continue my education at a higher institution, to obtain a Bachelor of Science in International Business. In particular, I am interested in learning more about the structure and organization of a company, economical processes (in general), global economic coherences and communications, new cultures and languages. Thereafter I want to use the acquired knowledge and my developed methodical abilities and soft skills to continue in a masters program of business. I am aiming to be well prepared to enter the business world, to enrich an international operating company or to start as an independent entrepreneur, bringing in new ideas and an efficient working style.

The progress of globalisation and the development of global information networks makes the possibility of studying international business attractive to me. And according to my great interest in foreign countries and their cultures, I believe that this is the path of my future. It gives me the possibility to bring in my skills in solving problems, organizing, communicating and leading.

As I have an affinity to logical thinking, mathematic and physics were my favourite subjects in the beginning of high school. Finding clear answers, to given problems, satisfied me. Therefore I chose informatics as an elective course. I enjoyed working with the computer and started to use it as main equipment to present projects and as communicational medium. Today I easily learn how to work with new programmes and use the internet for any kind of research and to keep in touch with people.

Due to the importance of friends in my life and through my sense of checking things from different perspectives, I often was seen as the confidant in a group. I also adopted this role into school life and was chosen as class representative several years in a row. I liked to keep a group together, which led to my interest in organizing events, as for example a trip to six-flags with twenty-five people.

My affection to travelling and exploring new cultures was invoked through my Philippine background and the wanderlust of my parents. Visiting the Philippines and travelling to several countries to which my relatives have emigrated too, taught me respect and how to deal with cultural differences.
My first independent journey to relatives in Canada, several school exchanges and youth trips to other countries motivated me to plan my first own voyage across the USA last summer. It was exciting and challenging as I paid and planed the whole trip on my own, but everything worked out well. I had a great summer exploring new places and socializing with new people. When my friends brought me along to their schools, my curiosity about studying abroad was aroused.

The interest in languages has been there since I have started to talk, as I have been raised trilingual: English, German (in which I am fluently) and Ilocano (Philippine dialect).This interest increased even more during high school. I always enjoyed speaking English with cousins and friends and later English was my favourite subject besides math, which explains why I chose those subjects as my A-level courses, in senior classes. Knowing that Latin is the foundation of most languages I picked it as my second foreign language. Furthermore did I participate in an unsolicited Spanish course after regular class and added French in an evening school for two semesters. Starting in the mid of February I will refresh my Spanish knowledge in an intensive Spanish course. When I started my occupation as an assistant in a department of international import, I came up with a new aim and interest in learning Chinese or Japanese. This idea was aroused through my contact to our suppliers and partners from all over the world and especially from Asia.

Besides my above mentioned current employment at the merchandise centre of the international company OBI (German’s leading company of building centres), I have also earned working experiences in other areas. As a member of the German life saver association, I voluntary coach younger swimmers, accompany youth trips of the club and work as an assistant life guard during the summer. Additionally I used to serve in a hotel-restaurant on weekends and holidays to earn some extra money. I also experienced work in an online advertising company during my internship and had a job in a department of quality control. All these different employments taught me responsibility, working within guidelines, to be accurate, how to motivate others and how to balance my time and priorities.
But the employment which influenced me most and which taught me mobility, co-operation and independence was my experience with the organization CA. I always had the aim to go abroad for a longer period after high school. So after graduating last year I went to a summer camp in Monticello, in New York State, and worked as a life guard, swimming coach and counsellor.
Living together with children for eight weeks and collaborating with counsellors from all over the world, consequential from various social and ethnic backgrounds, I had to face an exciting new challenge. At the end of camp though and after my above mentioned travelling session across America, I could look back on four months full of new experiences, memories and friends from all over the world. Working with children of the ages between seven to seventeen twenty-four hours almost seven days a week surely nurtured my creative side, as I always had to find a new way of entertaining them. As being a role model I also improved my skills in leading a crowd, mediating and solving problems. The most important thing I learned though was to be flexible and open towards new people and for ways of handling new situations.

Due to the international orientation of the UM I believe that the offered International business program is totally suitable for me. It combines my passion for global communication, international mobility and a multicultural environment, as well as my impulse of organizing and leading projects, in a professional way. Through my experiences in several jobs, my temporarily employment abroad and my continuous voluntary work I learned the values of commitment, teamwork and of independence. These values represent the most important requirements to study on the principles of Problem Based Learning (PBL) and makes me accomplish the expectations of the educational system, taught at the UM.

I am confident that with my strong motivation, my personality, my international and significant practical experiences and with the International Business program on top, I will have a solid foundation for a successful and fulfilling career, in which I plan to weld relationships across cultures and ensure that intercultural communication takes place effectively.

Enclosed you will find all required documents for the International Business program. Thank you for taking the time to consider my application. I look forward to a positive response and to a great time in an outstanding educational program at the UM.

Yours respectfully,
***

---------------

ok i ponted out my interests and skills right after my introduction. what do you think? i was trying to chop the essay a lil more, but i don't know which further other parts or sentences to cut out. any advices? what font size am i suppose to use? The university homepage said that the letter should not be longer than 2 pages. using arial fond size 10 or 11 it would be 1.5 pages long.

i will be waiting for your response. thank you again.
cookey
cookey,

I will post some food for thought within a couple hours.

MH
Cookey,

As I read your letter, this is what I have learned:

Like
-foreign countries and cultures

Strengths
-maths and sciences
-computer technology
-people, natural leader, organizer
-languages (English, German, Ilocano (Phillippine dialect), Spanish
-responsible
-accurate
-leader
-creative

Experiences
-travels
-merchandise center
-volunteer swim coach
-Internet company

I had to pick through your letter to find this stuff.

What you need to do is....

1) Determine your strengths
2) Think of experiences that examplify your strengths
3) Write about them

So review the information above and fix inaccuracies and add where appropriate.

Then begin writing your letter. You need to be focused.
After completing secondary School with the German diploma ‘Abitur’ in the summer of 2004, I would like to continue my education at a higher institution, to obtain a Bachelor of Science in International Business. In particular, I am interested in learning more about the structure and organization of a company, economical processes (in general), global economic coherences and communications, new cultures and languages. Thereafter I want to use the acquired knowledge and my developed methodical abilities and soft skills to continue in a masters program of business. I am aiming to be well prepared to enter the business world, to enrich an international operating company or to start as an independent entrepreneur, bringing in new ideas and an efficient working style.


Most of this can be eliminated. I would write about generalites at this point instead of discussing the course specifics. They know the specifics and you will be put on the treadmill and have to learn the material. What's important at this point is that you convince them that you can communicate effectively and that you have the necessary intelligence, ambition, and personality to complete the program.

So with these words of wisdom, let's see what you can do for your next iteration.

Also, please be sure that you have read the top two posts in this section. The second post relates to motivation. You must be sure that you are willing to let your letter remain posted.

MountainHiker
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