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In this day and age, with the advent of modern society, people are becoming increasingly more easy-going than ever before. This leads to the rising number of people who enjoy putting their private information regarding daily activities or bank account on social networks such as Facebook, Instagram,…From my point of view, I firmly believe that this tendency will have a considerable bearing on the development of both individual and nation.


On the one hand, when people set up their personal information on social media platforms, it will leave some tremendous influences on people’s lives. They will be bothered by some uneducated people on the Internet regularly. Because some people who lack awareness will take advantage of that chance to steal some important data so that they can conduct unlawful behaviors. For instance, hackers, are kinds of dangerous people when they are likely to hack people’s accounts easily to serve for illegal purposes such as blackmail. Another typical example that there is a host of celebrities bothered by some bad people via telephone numbers during the whole day with information posted. Therefore, those things lead to the deterioration of the physical and mental health of people when they frequently face many risks and challenges from the Internet.


Moreover, it also has a significantly negative impact on the development of each nation. As the government shoulder the responsibility of offering solutions to those issues people encounter. The authority invests not only money but also time in dealing with those cases. This will put immense pressure on them. For example, with cybercrime, the government has to pour a large amount of budget into investigating and find out information about the crime to help people make the case be brought to light. It will be better for people, thus, if they limit posting their private valuable things on Facebook or Zalo to steer clear of nuisances arising from social networking sites.


In conclusion, I strongly believe that it is not a brilliant choice for people to bring their specific information or daily activities to the Internet. So, people should be careful with using social networks.


How scores I can get. Thank you very much

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Please do not put the essay instructions in the "Subject" line.
Put it with your answer in the message body.

Subject: Please review my IELTS essay

Message body:
Topic:

More people put their personal information online (address, telephone number,…) for everyday activities such as socializing on social networks or banking purpose. Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

Copy all the instructions accurately and completely. This topic is not written in natural English.


My essay:

(Your text here...)
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In this day and age, with the advent of modern society, (That does not make sense. "modern society" is a very nebulous term and societies do not have advents.) people are becoming increasingly more easy-going than ever before. This leads to the rising number of people who enjoy putting their private information regarding daily activities or their bank account details on social networks such as Facebook, Instagram,… (Do not use ellipses, "etc." or phrases such as "and so on" in formal writing.) From my point of view, I firmly believe that this tendency will have a considerable bearing on the development of both individual and nation.(I do not know what you mean here. It does not make sense. The essay prompt is:
Do you think it is a positive or negative development? You did not answer the question clearly. The answer can be "yes" or "no", with your reason. You gave no reason.)

On the one hand, when people set up their personal information on social media platforms, it will have leave some tremendous influences on people’s lives. (Whose lives will it affect? ) They will be bothered by some uneducated people (I do not understand your point. Do you mean that other Facebook members will post nasty things on their profile page?) on the Internet regularly. Because some people who lack awareness (That does not make sense. Hackers have a considerable amount of awareness. They know about stealing other people's data and using their identity.) will take advantage of that chance to steal some important data so that they can conduct unlawful activities. behaviors. (wrong word) For instance, hackers, are kinds of dangerous people when they are likely to hack people’s accounts easily to serve for illegal purposes such as blackmail. Another typical example that there is (wrong verb form) a host of celebrities bothered by some bad people via telephone numbers during the whole day with information posted. Therefore, those things lead to the deterioration of the physical and mental health of people when they frequently face many risks and challenges from bad actors on the Internet.

Moreover, it also has a significantly negative impact on the development (wrong word - development is forward progress, increasing business, growing the gross domestic product and raising the standard of living.) economy of each nation. As the government shoulder the responsibility of offering solutions to those issues people encounter. (That is a fragment, not a complete sentence. ) The authority invests not only money but also time in dealing with those cases. This will put immense pressure on them. For example, with cybercrime, the government has to pour a large amount of budget (wrong word. Budget is not the same as money.) into investigating and find (wrong verb form) out information about the crime to help people make the case be brought to light. (Ungrammatical) It will be better for people, thus, if they limit posting their private valuable things (wrong word) on Facebook or Zalo so that they will steer clear of nuisances arising from social networking sites. (Does your government spend a high proportion of its tax revenue on fixing problems that their citizens have from improperly using social networking sites? That seems rather far-fetched to me.)


In conclusion, I strongly believe that it is not a brilliant choice for people to post bring their specific information or daily activities to the Internet. So, people should be careful with using social networks.