Can anybody help me with my MOtivation Letter? It will be very helpful if you review my draft and suggest me on language and content of the letter? Expecting an early response...........

Dear Madam/Sir,

I am writing to apply for entrance
in “Master of Science in International Finance” program in your renowned
University. I appreciate this opportunity to provide further background
information in support of my application.

I am a Business Administration
graduate with major in Finance & Accounting and minor in Economics. I took
my first finance course (Fundamentals of Financial Management) in my third
semester of undergraduate studies and realized that this subject attracts me most.
Later, I decided to pursue my major in Finance and completed advanced finance
courses like- Derivative Securities, Econometrics, International Finance,
Working Capital Management, Corporate Finance, Investment Theory, etc. Also,
different economics courses completed as part of minor requirement help me to
take a holistic approach. The combination of my keen interest and strong
background in study of finance lead me to set my career goal to become a
specialist finance manager (may be a CFO). To accomplish myself as competent
finance manager, in-depth knowledge of financial management in an international
perspective is of utmost importance. I am confident that I have chosen the
right program to fulfill my goal.

Besides, I acquired strong time
management and organizational skills through my very first work experience as a
Gentleman Cadet in Army. Later, through my work experience as a Customer
Manager in GPTel I gained a lot of computer skills and had very interesting
experience of using my communication skills. Lately, I worked as Undergraduate
Assistant at a University, where I got the opportunity to use my academic and
analytical skills in a prideful manner. In spite of part-time employment
through most of my undergraduate studies, I earned 3.67 grade point average
(4.0 basis). This is the evidence that I took my studies very seriously and
also worked very hard. With my strong academic background, work habits and
persistence I am sure that I will do very good if am accepted in International
Finance program.

In conclusion, I believe, the
Master of Science in International Finance program of your university is best
suited for me because of its specialization in business studies, international
orientation and study cost. Convenient study environment in B.City and international
influence of Y.Country economy will also be very beneficial for my study.

Thank you for considering my
application and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely yours,
Hi,

Your letter is somewhat chaotic. You have the material, but you need to kick it up several notches.

Dear Madam/Sir, (no slashes...slashes mean you're lazy)

I am writing to apply for entrance
in “Master of Science in International Finance” program in your renowned
University. I appreciate this opportunity to provide further background
information in support of my application.

Crossed out (doesn't seem to show up) stuff is obvious. Don't state the obvious.

I am a Business Administration
graduate with major in Finance & Accounting and minor in Economics. I took
my first finance course (Fundamentals of Financial Management) in my third
semester of undergraduate studies and realized that this subject attracts me most.
Later, I decided to pursue my major in Finance and completed advanced finance
courses like- Derivative Securities, Econometrics, International Finance,
Working Capital Management, Corporate Finance, Investment Theory, etc. (Etc. means your lazy and that you've run out of ideas and knowledge. Don't use it. Also, don't provide them with a list of courses. Who cares? Besides, they have your transcript.) Also,
different economics courses completed as part of minor requirement help me to
take a holistic approach. The combination of my keen interest and strong
background in study of finance lead me to set my career goal to become a
specialist finance manager (may be a CFO). To accomplish myself as competent
finance manager, in-depth knowledge of financial management in an international
perspective is of utmost importance. I am confident that I have chosen the
right program to fulfill my goal.

What's the key point of that paragraph above? Right, I don't know either. And, if I were you, I would tell them in the first paragaraph what your ultimate career objective. That's the reason why you're applying?

Besides, I acquired strong time
management and organizational skills through my very first work experience as a
Gentleman Cadet in Army. Later, through my work experience as a Customer
Manager in GPTel I gained a lot of computer skills and had very interesting
experience of using my communication skills. Lately, I worked as Undergraduate
Assistant at a University, where I got the opportunity to use my academic and
analytical skills in a prideful manner. In spite of part-time employment
through most of my undergraduate studies, I earned 3.67 grade point average
(4.0 basis). This is the evidence that I took my studies very seriously and
also worked very hard. With my strong academic background, work habits and
persistence I am sure that I will do very good if am accepted in International
Finance program. (I didn't like this paragraph for a lot of reasons. You talked about this and that without ever giving any specifics.)

In conclusion, I believe, the
Master of Science in International Finance program of your university is best
suited for me because of its specialization in business studies, international
orientation and study cost. Convenient study environment in B.City and international
influence of Y.Country economy will also be very beneficial for my study. (You don't say why you believe what you believe, besides some vague stuff that doesn't mean anything. This isn't religion. You need to provide specifics.)

Thank you for considering my
application and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely yours,

You've got good marks and some work experience. You can do better.

Here's the first of two articles that I've written.

http://www.EnglishForward.com/content/lessons/motivation-letters-part-i.htm
thanks a lot for your quick reply and obviously for your precious time. I have modified my Motivation Letter a lot.....but not sure about its quality........require your further comments......

this is my modified work-

Dear Madam or Sir,

I am writing to apply for the Master of International Finance program at Berlin School of Economics and Law (BSEL) starting in the winter of 2011. My keen interest in finance and aspiration to become a specialist finance manager in a multinational organization has encouraged me to further my studies in international finance. The Master of International Finance program of Berlin School of Economics and Law, with its emphasis on both theoretical & practical skills and international orientation, best meets my career goals and aspiration.

I am a Business Administration graduate with major in Finance & Accounting and minor in Economics. After
completing my first finance course in third semester I realized that finance attracts me most. So I pursued my major in Finance & Accounting and completed many advanced finance courses. Besides, study of economics as minor has strengthened my analytical skills and always helps me in taking a holistic approach. Alongside my study, I invested in stock market out of my keen interest in stock and other financial instruments. This has helped me a lot by providing me the opportunity to relate my study with real financial world. In addition, through my experience as Teaching Assistant at university I developed analytical, presentation and prioritizing skills. As part of my responsibility, I helped faculties with their research work, provided tutorial sessions for weak students, graded answer scripts and proctored tests.

In fact, military experience has influenced my whole life to a great extent. I have acquired extensive leadership skills and organizational skills form that experience. I joined in Bangladesh Army after passing higher secondary and unfortunately had to leave because of knee injury. After taking proper treatment I decided to exploit my leadership quality in business field and thus got myself admitted in the business administration program. I did very well in the program from the very beginning though I did not have any background of business study. Perseverance and organizational skills acquired through my military experience and obviously keen interest in the subject was behind my success. I have also worked as a Customer Manager in a telecommunication company where my prime responsibility was to solve different service related problems of customers and increase customer satisfaction through proactive effort. Through this experience I have developed good communication, interpersonal and problem solving skills.

More importantly, though I had part-time employment through most of my undergraduate studies, I earned a 3.67 grade point average. This is the evidence that I took my studies very seriously and also worked very hard. Consequently, I learned to cope with busy schedules and time constraints and I have found myself to excel in challenging, high-tempo environments. I am confident that, with my strong academic background, work habits and persistence I will do very good if am accepted in Master of International Finance program and thereby achieve my professional goal.

Thank you for considering my application and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely yours,
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Somewhat better. You need to be more factual and to-the-point rather than story telling. Just imagine having to read lots of these letters. You don't have time nor interest to read everyone's story. Instead, you want to know what key skills and attributes a candidate possesses.

As an example:

I am writing to apply for the Master of International Finance program at Berlin School of Economics and Law (BSEL) starting in the winter of 2011. My keen interest in finance and aspiration to become a specialist finance manager in a multinational organization has encouraged me to further my studies in international finance. The Master of International Finance program of Berlin School of Economics and Law, with its emphasis on both theoretical & practical skills and international orientation, best meets my career goals and aspiration.

What's wrong with the above?
  • You apply TO a university or faculty. You apply FOR a grant or scholarship.
  • All the rest of the stuff is drivel. You're boring me.
  • How do I know that the Berlin school best meets your needs and aspirationS. You haven't demonstrated that yet.
I am writing to apply to the Master of International Finance program at Berlin School of Economics and Law (BSEL) starting in the winter of 2011. My career objective is to become X.

Is that a lot easier to read? Simple, concise, to-the-point. It doesn't waste the reader's energy.

Here, see this post: http://www.EnglishForward.com/English/SayMeanGovernmentPushingPlain-English/plphq/post.htm

Now, go through the rest of your letter and remove all the junk. Make sure that every paragraph has one and only one key theme or purpose. No story telling. I want to see you identify your key strengths and attributes with supporting statements.
I tried to follow your instruction and come up with this one........need your comments......

and the name of the university is Berlin School of Law and Economics......its a specialized university for business studies.

Dear Madam or Sir,

I am writing to apply for entrance in the Master of
International Finance program at Berlin School of Economics and Law (BSEL)
starting in the winter of 2011. After through research on the internet I found
that this program best meets my career goals and aspirations.

I want to be a specialist finance manager working in an
international environment. In fact I am passionate about finance and international
finance is most challenging to me. My core interest lies in capital budgeting
and capital market finance. And I am also aware of the extent of international
exposure that a finance manager in multinational organization has to deal with.
Therefore, I have decided to pursue my graduate studies in International
Finance.

I have strong academic background and analytical skills. I
am a Business Administration graduate with major in Finance & Accounting
and minor in Economics. My 3.67 grade point average placed me among the top ten
percent of the graduating class. Besides, carefully selected concentration
courses (like- derivative securities, econometrics) have sharpened my
analytical skills. I have successfully used my analytical skills while helping
faculties with their research work as a teaching assistant. I am also good at
using analytical softwares, like- SPSS, EViews and Microsoft Excel.

Alongside strong academic background I have good
professional skills. I am a well organized person with strong time management and
prioritization skills. I acquired these skills from my work experience in
Bangladesh Army. In army each and every task is well organized and follows
strict schedule with extreme time stress. I also have good problem solving and
interpersonal skills. I frequently used those skills while working as a
Customer Manager at a telecommunication company. My prime responsibility was to
solve different service related problems and increase customer satisfaction
through proactive service.

With my strong academic background, professional skills and
keen interest, I am sure that I will do very well if am accepted in the Master
of International Finance program and thereby achieve my professional goal. The program
has a good balance of theoretical and practical skills and a very good
international exposure. This is very important for study of international
finance. Moreover, convenient study environment in Berlin and international influence of German
economy will also be very beneficial for my study.

Thank you for considering my application and I look forward
to hearing from you.

Sincerely yours,
Hi,

Dear Madam or Sir, (We usually write Dear Sir or Madam, - at least I do)

I am writing to apply for entrance in the Master of International Finance program at Berlin School of Economics and Law (BSEL) starting in the winter of 2011. After through research on the internet I found that this program best meets my career goals and aspirations.

I absolutely hate the second sentence. After a thorough (watch your spelling) research on the internet I found that this program best meets my career goals and aspirations.

What does that mean? Does it mean you took fifteen minutes and browsed the internet and selected that university? How fortunate for them. Here's what it says to me: "I don't have anything meaningful to say, so I am just telling you now that I think I would be happy going to your university." Rather than write that junk, I would prefer to remain silent. In other words, delete that sentence.

You've got good marks and your military background should be helpful. So, don't snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

I want to be a specialist finance manager working in an international environment. In fact I am passionate about finance and international finance is most challenging to me. My core interest lies in capital budgeting and capital market finance. And I am also aware of the extent of international exposure that a finance manager in multinational organization has to deal with. Therefore, I have decided to pursue my graduate studies in International Finance.

The bold and italic text is wasted. It is just an extra burden that you are forcing me to read. It contains no useful information.

I have strong academic background and analytical skills. I am a Business Administration graduate with major in Finance & Accounting and minor in Economics. My 3.67 grade point average placed me among the top ten
percent of the graduating class. Besides, carefully selected concentration courses (like- derivative securities, econometrics) have sharpened my analytical skills. I have successfully used my analytical skills while helping
faculties with their research work as a teaching assistant. I am also good at using analytical softwares, like- SPSS, EViews and Microsoft Excel.

You have a topic sentence: I have strong academic background and analytical skills. Everything in that paragraph should be supporting that statement. Your next two sentences are good because they support and prove your statement. Next, you veer off into talking about courses. Here's where you went wrong. Perhaps you got poor grades in those courses. I have no clue. They don't support anything. Besides they have your transcript. Do them a favor and tell them something they don't already know. Next, you write another weak sentence. You use your analytical skills with their research works and as a teaching assistant. HOW did you use your skills? That's what I want to know. Because I am writing this review, I am now on the same level as Shakespeare? If I were you, I would use something from my military background where I demonstrated superior intelligence. Everything must be positive support of your key sentence. And last, you talk about software. News flash: Nobody cares. You will learn what you need to know.

Okay, with my critical comments, go ahead and revise your ENTIRE letter.
Students: We have free audio pronunciation exercises.
this is the one after modification. I know I am bothering you a lot. But I have shortage of time. I have to finalize my motivation letter within tomorrow. So if you can help me for the last time with my whole letter it will be very helpful for me...........

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to apply for entrance in the Master of
International Finance program at Berlin School of Economics and Law (BSEL)
starting in the winter of 2011. This will be a great opportunity for me to
develop both academic and practical skills in an international environment.

I want to be a specialist finance manager working in an
international environment. In fact I am passionate about finance and international
finance is most challenging to me. My core interest lies in capital budgeting
and capital market finance. I want to explore these fields in the international
arena as a part of a multinational organization.

I have strong academic background and analytical skills. I
am a Business Administration graduate with major in Finance & Accounting
and minor in Economics. My 3.67 grade point average placed me among the top ten
percent of the graduating class. Besides, carefully selected concentration
courses (like- derivative securities, econometrics) have sharpened my
analytical skills. Also, study of economics helps me a lot in taking a holistic
view.

Alongside strong academic background I have good
professional skills. I acquired extensive leadership skills and organizational
skills form my experience as a Gentleman Cadet in Army. In many
tactical and strategic field exercises I had to lead my platoon; I enjoyed
making decisions and carrying-out responsibilities. Following strict schedule
and working under extreme time stress have increased my efficiency a lot. Through
my experience as Teaching Assistant at university I also developed analytical,
presentation and prioritizing skills. As part of my responsibility, I helped
faculties with their research work, provided tutorial sessions for weak
students, graded answer scripts and proctored tests. I also have good problem
solving and interpersonal skills. I frequently used those skills while working
as a Customer Manager at a telecommunication company. In that post, my prime
responsibility was to solve different service related problems and increase
customer satisfaction through proactive service.

With my strong academic background, professional skills and
keen interest, I am sure that I will do very well if am accepted in the Master
of International Finance program and thereby achieve my professional goal. The
program has a good balance of theoretical and practical skills and a very good
international exposure. This is very important for study of international
finance. Moreover, convenient study environment in Berlin and international influence of German
economy will also be very beneficial for my study.

Thank you for considering my application and I look forward
to hearing from you.

Sincerely yours,
Your lack of time prevents me from suggesting major changes.

However, try this exercise: READ your letter out loud. Slowly.

Do you find some parts uncomfortable? If so, change them.

As an example, in the beginning of your letter you use "international environment" twice in rapid succession. It will call unfavorable attention. Also, in the beginning of your letter, I sensed, "I this, I that, I this" as you began almost every sentence. Change things up if you can.

Another tip, make your letter as short as you can. The shorter your letter, the stronger. You have a reasonable grade point average. Leave them with the impression that you're smart and capable.

Here, as a bonus, I will give you a suggestion to reduce the clutter.

Go from this:

I am writing to apply for entrance in the Master of
International Finance program at Berlin School of Economics and Law (BSEL)
starting in the winter of 2011. This will be a great opportunity for me to
develop both academic and practical skills in an international environment.

I want to be a specialist finance manager working in an
international environment. In fact I am passionate about finance and international
finance is most challenging to me. My core interest lies in capital budgeting
and capital market finance. I want to explore these fields in the international
arena as a part of a multinational organization.

To this:

I am writing to apply to the Master of International Finance program at Berlin School of Economics and Law (BSEL)
starting in the winter of 2011. My aim is to become finance manager working in an international environment.

Two paragraphs reduced to two sentences. Win.

(Hint: Managers by definition are not specialists. They are managers with a diverse skill set.)

Good luck.
Hi Marjuk,

I was looking for the same topic "Motivation Letter" and came across your post.

I am planning to apply for the same Master's program and I want to get your help/feedback on few points:

1. Did you submit your application, did you get a seat?
2. Do you know "on average" how many apply for the Master's Int. Finance?
3. What is the average working experience of the students?

Thanks a lot and hope to hear from you soon.

Regards,
Fredrico
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