+1
Hey,
I'm applying for an MS in finance program in Europe and I'm just wondering if you could review my letter of motivation. It's my first draft so it obviously needs some work. However, I do believe the structure of it is good, but please enlighten me if I'm wrong.
The instructions listed on the school's website are as follows:
"Please motivate your application for the programme of your choice including a short description of yourself, your hobbies and interests."

I was told I should not include any information that is already listed on my resume so I simply left out most of my work experience and such.

Thank you.

PS. I have chosen not to disclose any school names for privacy reasons.

Dear Sir or Madam:

I am writing to apply for the Master in Finance & Investments program at ABC Graduate School starting in the autumn of 2011. From my review of graduate programs, and consultation with career advisors, it is very apparent that the ABC Graduate School has an excellent finance program. After having studied in the U.S. for the past three years and gained valuable understanding of the English language and the American business culture, I am ready to move back to Europe and I am determined I want to further my education at your institution.

I am currently completing a comprehensive undergraduate degree in finance and accounting at the XZY University. I have a strong academic record and my grade point average of 3.79 puts me at the very top of my class. I was recently selected Dean's Ambassador where I represent the business school at events and seminars and also get a chance to meet one-on-one with very reputable Fortune-500 executives. I think, attending these sorts of business related networking activities have inspired me and provided me with a better mind set of the type of career I want to pursue. I have a genuine interest for investment banking, private equity, venture capital, asset management and equity research, and I truly believe enrolling in the Master in Finance & Investments program at the ABC Graduate School would provide me with the right set of skills to be able to go after my career vision.

Alongside my studies, I play soccer for the school's varsity team at the highest collegiate level. Soccer has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember and I have always played on a very competitive level. A few years back, before moving to the U.S., I was a talented prospect playing for Örgryte IS, a Swedish Division One club, but my dreams of turning professional fell through on account of injuries. As a top student-athlete I have learned to cope with busy schedules and time constraints and I have found myself to excel in challenging, high-tempo environments. I think that the ABC Graduate School has this type of environment and can provide me the tools necessary to become an excellent prospect in the job market.

During my free time, I am a very active person and I really enjoy the outdoor life. Out in the open-air I can do the things I like to most, such as go for a run, play a round of golf, or ski with my friends. I try to play golf as much as I can, because I find it to be a great and relaxing way to spend quality time with friends and family. In my youth, I was also successfully involved in a number of athletic sports, including track and field, handball and alpine skiing. My athletic background is mirrored in my high work ethic and enthusiasm about new challenges. I hope I get the chance to join the ABC Graduate School.

I have attached all material required for acceptance into the Master's program. Thank you so much for your consideration and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
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Comments  
Your letter is good enough for you to be accepted.

I will make some subtle suggestions, but they are subtle only.

They were correct in not wanting you to repeat your resume; however, you should elaborate on what you accomplished in your resume. That is, if a specific job taught you things, you can reference how that job make you better.

I also encourage you to review these threads:

http://www.EnglishForward.com/English/SampleLetterMotivationApplication-LetterUniversity/xpzpl/po...

http://www.EnglishForward.com/English/MotivationLetterUniversityAbhinav-Gaur13/2/xqjzg/Post.htm

Dear Sir or Madam:

I am writing to apply for the Master in Finance & Investments program at ABC Graduate School starting in the autumn of 2011. From After my review of graduate programs, and consultation with career advisors, it is very apparent I am confident that the ABC Graduate School has an excellent finance program (and reword to say it is the best school for you to attend) . After having studied in the U.S. for the past three years and gained valuable understanding of the English language and the American business culture, I am ready to move back return to Europe and I (delete "I"...it is understood) am determined I want to further my education at your institution. (This is messy...let's start fresh.)

I am writing to apply for the Master in Finance & Investments program at ABC Graduate School starting in the autumn of 2011. After having worked/studied in the U.S. (?) for x months/years, I am ready to return to Europe. Having reviewed several graduate programs, in consultation with career adviors and finance professionals, I am confident that ABC Graduate School has an excellent finance program and that best meets my goals/aspirations of (whatever).

In short, why I am applying. I am moving back. I checked out various programs. You are the best.

I am currently completing a comprehensive undergraduate degree in finance and accounting at the XZY University. I have a strong academic record and my grade point average of 3.79 puts me at the very top of my class. I was recently selected Dean's Ambassador where I represent the business school at events and seminars and also get a chance to meet one-on-one with very reputable Fortune-500 executives. I think, attending these sorts of business related networking activities have inspired me and provided me with a better mind set of the type of career I want to pursue. I have a genuine interest for investment banking, private equity, venture capital, asset management and equity research, and I truly believe enrolling in the Master in Finance & Investments program at the ABC Graduate School would provide me with the right set of skills to be able to go after my career vision.

A lot of "I this, and I that." Try to change your wording to add some variety. Also, get rid of "I think". Of course, this entire letter is you thinking.

e.g. With the highest grade point average in my class of 3.79, I am proud of my achievement. Moreover, I was selected as the Dean's Ambassador....blah blah blah.

Alongside my studies, While academic career is vitally important to me, so are my extracurricular activities. I play soccer for the school's varsity team at the highest collegiate level. Soccer has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember and I have always played on a very competitive level. A few years back, before moving to the U.S., I was a talented prospect playing for Örgryte IS, a Swedish Division One club, but my dreams of turning professional fell through on account of injuries. As a top student-athlete I have learned to cope with busy schedules and time constraints and I have found myself to excel in challenging, high-tempo environments. I think that the ABC Graduate School has this type of environment and can provide me the tools necessary to become an excellent prospect in the job market.

Mention some buzz words such as "time management" "goal setting" priorities, teamwork, blah blah blah.

During my free time, I am a very active person and I really enjoy the outdoor life. Out in the open-air I can do the things I like to most, such as go for a run, play a round of golf, or ski with my friends. I try to play golf as much as I can, because I find it to be a great and relaxing way to spend quality time with friends and family. In my youth, I was also successfully involved in a number of athletic sports, including track and field, handball and alpine skiing. My athletic background is mirrored in my high work ethic and enthusiasm about new challenges. I hope I get the chance to join the ABC Graduate School.

Your content is okay, but I would kick it up a notch and sound more professional. Aside from playing soccer, I have other outdoor activities. Mention them and discuss their benefits.

Given your grades, you are going to get in. You might as well be confident, but not cocky. I look forward to joining abc blah blah blah.

I have attached all material required for acceptance into the Master's program. (Of course you have, so don't tell them the obvious.) Thank you so much for your consideration and I look forward to your acceptance of my application. hearing from you.

Sincerely,
Thank you for your quick response. I agree with you, it is too much of "this and that..". I have avoided most of it in the second draft.
I am concerned about the lenght of the letter. Although, the school doesn't mention a page requirement, I think I've heard other people telling me no more than one page. Correct?
If so, its rather long and I have still not included any of my work experience. Among other things I have worked at a large financial institution within retail banking for about a year and I had an internship as a "Industry Analyst" where I independently researched specific industries to make lending and investment decisions. But I mean it is in my resume.

Here is my second draft: I am concerned with the second and third sentence of the first paragraph and how they both contain 'having'.


StartFragment>
Dear Sir or Madam:

I am writing to apply for the Master in Finance & Investments program at the Rotterdam School of Management starting in the autumn of 2011. After having studied and worked in the U.S. for three years, I am ready to return to Europe. Having reviewed several graduate programs, in consultation with career adviors and finance professionals, I am confident that the Rotterdam School of Management has an excellent finance program that best meets my goals and aspirations of furthering my education.

I am currently completing a comprehensive undergraduate degree in finance and accounting at the University of New Hampshire. With among the highest grade point average in my class of 3.79, I am proud of my achievment. Moreover, I was recently as the Dean’s Ambassador where I represent the business school at events and seminars and also get a chance to meet with very reputable Fortune-500 executives. Networking with professionls has given me inspiration and provided me with a better understanding of the type of career I want to pursue. I am genuinly interested in the industry of investment banking and assets management, and I truly believe enrolling in the Master in Finance & Investments program at the Rotterdam School of Management will help me get there.

While my academic career is vitally important to me, so are my extracurricular activities. I play soccer for the school’s varsity team at the highest collegiate level. Soccer has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. A few years back, before moving to the U.S., I was a talented prospect playing for Örgryte IS, a Swedish Division One club, but my dreams of turning professional fell through on account of injuries. With a very decisive goal setting, however, I managed to come back. As a top student-athlete I have learned to cope with time constraints and therefore developed a strong sense of time management. Furthermore, I excel in challenging, high-tempo environments and I am convinced that the Rotterdam School of Management can provide me the tools necessary to become an excellent prospect in the job market.

Aside from playing soccer, I have sucessfully participated in other sports and outdoor activities, such as alpine skiing, track and field, handball and golf. I try to play golf as much as I can, because I find it to be a great and relaxing way to spend quality time with friends and family. Although, I am a person of many different sports, teamsports have always been particularly appealing to me, as I value workings as a team. My athletic background is mirrored in my high work ethic and enthusiasm about new challenges. I am eager to joining your institution.

Thank you so much for your consideration and I look forward to your acceptance of my application.

Sincerely,
EndFragment>
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In business communication, brief is good. Long is bad.

Dear Sir or Madam:

I am writing to apply for the Master in Finance & Investments program at the Rotterdam School of Management starting in the autumn of 2011. After having studyinged and workinged in the U.S. for three years, I am ready to return to Europe. Having reviewed several graduate programs, in consultation with career adviors and finance professionals, I am confident that the Rotterdam School of Management has an excellent finance program that best meets my goals and aspirations of furthering my education. I made changes so that it you didn't have two sentences back to back with Having this...and having that.

I am currently completing a comprehensive undergraduate degree in finance and accounting at the University of New Hampshire. With among the highest grade point average(s?) in my class of 3.79, I am proud of my achievment. Moreover, I was recently as the Dean’s Ambassador where I represented the business school at events and seminars and also got an opportunity get a chance to meet with very reputable (as opposed to the usual miscreants?) Fortune-500 executives. Networking with professionls has given me inspiration and provided me with a better understanding of the type of career I want to pursue. (wordy and sloppy...run through MS Word for grammar, passive sentences and all that stuff...see my earlier general post.) I am genuinly interested in the industry of investment banking and assets management, and I truly believe enrolling in the Master in Finance & Investments program at the Rotterdam School of Management will help me get there. You said this already in your first paragraph no? "Help me get there...is a bit too colloquial for a formal letter."

While my academic career is vitally important to me, so are my extracurricular activities. I play soccer for the school’s varsity team at the highest collegiate level. Soccer has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. A few years back, before moving to the U.S., I was a talented prospect playing for Örgryte IS, a Swedish Division One club, but my dreams of turning professional fell through on account of injuries. With a very decisive goal setting, however, I managed to come back to or as what?. As a top student-athlete I have learned to cope with time constraints and therefore developed a strong sense of developed strong time management skills. (less words is good, no?) Furthermore, I thrive excel in challenging, high-tempo fast-paced, chaotic environments and I am convinced that the Rotterdam School of Management can provide me the tools necessary to become an excellent prospect in the job market.

Save the behind kissing for just one paragraph. If you overdo it, it loses its effect. It's like telling the prettiest girl at a dance every five minutes that she's pretty.

Aside from playing soccer, I have sucessfully participated (It's hard to participate in sports unsuccessfully, unless you are dead. In which case, it doesn't matter.) in other sports and outdoor activities, such as alpine skiing, track and field, handball and golf. I try to play golf as much as I can, because I find it to be a great and relaxing way to spend quality time with friends and family. I Sports are a great way to meet people and develop friendships. Although, I am a person of many different sports, teamsports have always been particularly appealing to me, as I value workings as a team. (weak) My athletic background is mirrored in my high work ethic and enthusiasm about new challenges. I am eager to joining your institution. (whole paragraph is choppy. You need to rework it.)

Thank you so much for your consideration and I look forward to your acceptance of my application.

I have made some changes. My advice is this: Make some changes, soak on them for a day, and then look at your letter again. You're definitely bright enough to write you own letter. You are almost there, but you have got some sloppy errors. My guess is that you are just too anxious to complete your letter. So making changes and soaking on the changes should cure whatever problems remain.

I have the same problem too. You wouldn't want to see my drafts.

Thank you for helping out! It certainly is very helpful to have another person there.
I was able to show my last draft to a professor and this is his general thought:
But why business? Why not teaching? Or if business, why not sports management? By these questions I mean that you don't say explicitly what interests you about the particular area of business you wish to enter.
I wrote my third draft with this in mind and also, as you mentioned, I tried to leave out all the butt kissing and long, messy paragraphs. I hope this one will make me sound more professional and confident and of course that I make it clear that finance is what I love.
Thank you again!

Dear Sir or Madam:
I am writing to apply for the Master in Finance & Investments program at the Rotterdam School of Management starting in the autumn of 2011. After studying and working in the U.S. for three years, I am ready to return to Europe. Having reviewed several graduate programs, in consultation with career advisors and finance professionals, I am confident that the Rotterdam School of Management has an excellent finance program that best meets my goals and aspirations of furthering my education.
I am currently completing a comprehensive undergraduate degree in finance and accounting at the University of New Hampshire. With top academic records and a strong curricular, I am proud of my achievements. In school, as a sector leader and analyst of a student-run all-equity fund, I get regular exposure to the financial markets. I am passionate about stocks and financial instruments and through substantial returns on my own portfolio I have managed to finance my education in the U.S.. In addition, working at Rockingham Economic Development Corporation allowed me to improve my analytical skills and ability to effectively present recommendations to executive managers.
Moreover, I was selected as the Dean's Ambassador, representing the business school at events and seminars and also enjoying the opportunity to meet with executives in the financial services industry. Networking with finance professionals has given me inspiration and provided me with a better understanding of the type of career I want to pursue, which is the industry of investment banking and assets management.
While my academic career is vitally important to me, so are my extracurricular activities. I play soccer for the school's varsity team at the highest collegiate level. Soccer has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. A few years back, before moving to the U.S., I was a talented prospect playing for Örgryte IS, a Swedish Division One club, but injuries dashed my dreams of turning professional. With very decisive goal setting, however, I managed to come back to soccer. As a top student-athlete I have developed strong time management skills. Furthermore, I thrive challenging, fast-paced, chaotic environments, which is why I am convinced I will excel in the finance world.
Aside from playing soccer, I participate in other sports and outdoor activities, such as alpine skiing, track and field, handball and golf. Sports are a great way to meet people and develop friendships. Although, I enjoy a variety of athletic activities, team sports have always been particularly appealing to me, as I value working as a team in coordination with others. My athletic background is mirrored in my high work ethic and ability to accomplish aspirations. I believe that enrolling in the Master in Finance & Investments program at the Rotterdam School of Management will best equip me to achieve my career goals.
Thank you so much for your consideration. I look forward to receiving word from you regarding acceptance of my application.

Sincerely,
Haha, the bottom line is I do ask her every five minute Emotion: smile
Teachers: We supply a list of EFL job vacancies
Because your letter has no spaces between paragraphs, I find it difficult to read. So I scanned it instead.

While much your letter is much improved, you still have some minor bugs. Here's one:

Furthermore, I thrive IN challenging, fast-paced, chaotic environments, which is why I am convinced I will excel in the finance world.

The other thing I noticed is that that you keep referencing back to succeeding in the program. I wouldn't do that. Just discuss your strengths. Surely, they have the intelligence to connect the dots?

Furthermore, I thrive IN challenging, fast-paced, chaotic environments, which is why I am convinced I will excel in the finance world.

The last part sucks. It's weak and detracts from from your punchy statement that you can handle anything.

Bonus comment: Ovely wordy.

I look forward to receiving word from you regarding acceptance of my application.

Try one more time, with spaces between the paragraphs.
Dear Sir or Madam:

I am writing to apply for the Master in Finance & Investments program at the Rotterdam School of Management starting in the autumn of 2011. After studying and working in the U.S. for three years, I am ready to return to Europe. Having reviewed several graduate programs, in consultation with career advisors and finance professionals, I am confident that the Rotterdam School of Management has an excellent finance program that best meets my goals and aspirations of furthering my education.

I am currently completing a comprehensive undergraduate degree in finance and accounting at the University of New Hampshire. With an outstanding academic record based upon a challenging curriculum, I am proud of my achievements. As a sector leader and analyst of a student-run all-equity fund, I get regular exposure to the financial markets. I am passionate about stocks and financial instruments and through substantial returns on my own portfolio I have managed to finance my education in the U.S.. In addition, working at the Rockingham Economic Development Corporation allowed me to improve my analytical skills and ability to effectively present recommendations to executive managers.

Moreover, I was selected as the Dean's Ambassador, representing the Business School a at events and seminars and also enjoying the opportunity to meet with executives in the financial services industry. Networking with finance professionals has given me inspiration and provided me with a better understanding of the type of career I want to pursue, which is the industry of investment banking and assets management.

While my academic career is vitally important to me, so are my extracurricular activities. I play soccer for the school's varsity team at the highest collegiate level. Soccer has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. A few years back, before moving to the U.S., I was a talented prospect playing for Örgryte IS, a Swedish Division One club, but injuries dashed my dreams of turning professional. With very decisive goal setting, however, I managed to come back to soccer. As a student-athlete I have developed strong time management skills. Furthermore, I thrive upon challenging, fast-paced, chaotic environments, which is why I am convinced I will excel in the world of finance.

Although I enjoy a variety of athletic activities, such as alpine skiing, track and field, handball and golf, team sports have always been particularly appealing to me, as I value working in coordinated collaboration with others. My athletic background mirrors my high work ethic and ability to accomplish what I set out to do. I believe that the Master in Finance & Investments program at the Rotterdam School of Management will best equip me to achieve my career goals.

-> HERE I WANT TO BRIEFLY SUM IT UP AND ALSO SAY SOMETHING THAT COULD BENEFIT OTHERS WITH MY EDUCATION, LIKE THE STATE OF THE ECONOMY. I FEEL LIKE THIS WOULD GIVE MORE DEPTH AND SHOW THAT I HAVE A BROADER KNOWLEDGE. AND ALSO AS YOU SAID, STRENGTHEN THE ENDING PART. NOT SURE EXACTLY WHAT THO. I WANT IT AS THE BEGINNING OF MY VERY LAST SENTENCE.

Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to receiving word from you regarding the status of my application.

Sincerely,
Furthermore, sport helped teach me how to thrive upon challenging, fast-paced, chaotic environments.

Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to your positive reply/response.

I am passionate about stocks and financial instruments and through substantial returns on my own portfolio I have managed to finance my education in the U.S.. (Just one period after S will do.)

Moreover, I was selected as the Dean's Ambassador, representing the Business School a at events and seminars and also enjoying the opportunity to meet with executives in the financial services industry. awkward, no?

Moreover, I was selected as the Dean's Ambassador, representing the Business School a at events and seminars as well as enjoying the opportunity to meet with executives in the financial services industry.

I find your concluding two sentences in these two paragraphs poor.
While my academic career is vitally important to me, so are my extracurricular activities. I play soccer for the school's varsity team at the highest collegiate level. Soccer has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. A few years back, before moving to the U.S., I was a talented prospect playing for Örgryte IS, a Swedish Division One club, but injuries dashed my dreams of turning professional. With very decisive goal setting, however, I managed to come back to soccer. As a student-athlete I have developed strong time management skills. Furthermore, I thrive upon challenging, fast-paced, chaotic environments, which is why I am convinced I will excel in the world of finance.

Although I enjoy a variety of athletic activities, such as alpine skiing, track and field, handball and golf, team sports have always been particularly appealing to me, as I value working in coordinated collaboration with others. My athletic background mirrors my high work ethic and ability to accomplish what I set out to do. I believe that the Master in Finance & Investments program at the Rotterdam School of Management will best equip me to achieve my career goals.

As a person reading your letter, I find your constant harping on what you want nausating. I know what you want from your opening paragraph. Tell me something I don't know.
-> HERE I WANT TO BRIEFLY SUM IT UP AND ALSO SAY SOMETHING THAT COULD BENEFIT OTHERS WITH MY EDUCATION, LIKE THE STATE OF THE ECONOMY. I FEEL LIKE THIS WOULD GIVE MORE DEPTH AND SHOW THAT I HAVE A BROADER KNOWLEDGE. AND ALSO AS YOU SAID, STRENGTHEN THE ENDING PART. NOT SURE EXACTLY WHAT THO. I WANT IT AS THE BEGINNING OF MY VERY LAST SENTENCE.
Less is more. Stop here.

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