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Hello!
could u check my motivation leeter?

Allow me to present my candidature to the admission to the Master’s Program in

Comparative Organisation and Labour Studies.

As I have always been interested in humanities, especially in psychological

and sociological problems of our human being, I decided to enter the faculty of

Psychology at National Research University – Higher School of Economics ,

the leader of education on the Russian market, which is located in the capital of

Russia. And also to achieve this goal I left my comfortable life with parents in

Samara for Moscow, for preparing and doing all my best to enter the University.

At the Department of Psychology my schedule consisted mostly of fundamental

psychological disciplines and the great emphasize was put on organizational

studies. I was especially attracted by courses such as social psychology and social

communications, experimental psychology, psychology of labour, where I had

an opportunity to explore the possibilities of variety of social cooperation and

human relations in the conditions of modern society. Most part of my free time I

spend in Human Resources Department of Nestle Company gaining experience

and over watching the employment relations on the inside of the company. I found

it very interesting and exciting, because I am very active and sociable person

and since my childhood I have been an initiator and organizer of great amount of

celebrations and activities. Moreover, one of my career aspirations is connected

with participation in the top management of Human Resource Department in

international company.

I feel I have a range of relevant skills and knowledge that could bring me to

your program. Due to my education in language art high school and in school of

arts my communication skills have been greatly developed at an appropriate level.

During my courses at the University my task was not only to write a great amount

of essays but frequently it was necessary to present my own projects like creation

of the potential company on the base of General Management studies. This fact

reveals my skills of public presentations.

In my future career I would like to apply my psychological background to

practical field. As for me, specialization in Comparative Organisation and Labour

Studies is the opportunity to combine my educational base with my personal

features. I’m sure that during the study at your program I could learn how to use

sociological, psychological and economical instruments exploring differences in

work practice depending on region, that interest me a lot. Furthermore, because of

the intersection of several sciences, it is the opportunity to take the broad view on

sciences in general

I am attracted by the facilities and technical equipment that are available

for students of the two elite universities, Ludwig-MaximiliansUniversität and

Technical University Munich, because they make research effective and exciting.

Moreover, as I know Netherlands is renowned for qualitative management

and sociological programs of education, and your University is ranked among

the top 50 universities word-wild. This fact means that Master program in

Comparative Organisation and Labour Studies is a great chance for me to get an

education of a high quality and to become a specialist of an international level.

Actually I am sure that it is hard to find a better place to continue my education. I

hope that my motivation and qualities will make me a suitable candidate to your

program.

Looking forward to your response,

faithfully yours,

V.T.

Thank you so mach!!
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Hi Valentina, I will read and comment on your letter later today.
Comments  
The format below is much easier to read, no?

Allow me to present my candidature to the admission to the Master’s Program in Comparative Organisation and Labour Studies. (overly wordy)

As I have always been interested in humanities, especially in psychological and sociological problems of our human being, I decided to enter the faculty of Psychology at National Research University – Higher School of Economics, the leader of education on the Russian market, which is located in the capital of Russia. And also to achieve this goal I left my comfortable life with parents in Samara for Moscow, for preparing and doing all my best to enter the University. (again, wordy. "And also" is repetitive and redundant.)

At the Department of Psychology my schedule consisted mostly of fundamental psychological disciplines and the great emphasize was put on organizational studies. I was especially attracted by courses such as social psychology and social communications, experimental psychology, psychology of labour, where I had an opportunity to explore the possibilities of variety of social cooperation and human relations in the conditions of modern society. (what does that previous sentence mean?)Most part of my free time I spend in Human Resources Department of Nestle Company gaining experience and over watching (something got lost in the translation) the employment relations on the inside of the company. I found it very interesting and exciting, because I am very active and sociable person and since my childhood I have been an initiator and organizer of great amount of celebrations and activities. Moreover, one of my career aspirations is connected with participation in the top management of Human Resource Department in international company. (paragraph is wordy and somewhat vague.)

I feel I have a range of relevant skills and knowledge that could bring me to your program. Due to my education in language art high school and in school of arts my communication skills have been greatly developed at an appropriate level. (This is rather obvious. Otherwise, you would not apply.)

During my courses at the University my task was not only to write a great amount of essays but frequently it was necessary to present my own projects like reation of the potential company on the base of General Management studies. This fact reveals my skills of public presentations. (When you mention a strength, you need to provide some evidence of accomplishment. Here, you just say you did a bunch of presentations. Were they good? Did you receive compliments? Did you get the high grade because of your presentations? )

In my future career I would like to apply my psychological background to practical field. As for me, specialization in Comparative Organisation and Labour Studies is the opportunity to combine my educational base with my personal features. I’m (no contractions in formal letter writing) sure that during the study at your program I could learn how to use sociological, psychological and economical instruments exploring differences in work practice depending on region, that interest me a lot. (what does the previous sentence mean? It seems vague to me.) Furthermore, because of the intersection of several sciences, it is the opportunity to take the broad view on sciences in general(missing a period). (again, vague and not well defined. It could mean anything to anyone.)

I am attracted by the facilities and technical equipment that are available for students of the two elite universities, Ludwig-MaximiliansUniversität and Technical University Munich, because they make research effective and exciting. (What does that mean?)

Moreover, as I know Netherlands (Germany, Netherlands?) is renowned for qualitative management and sociological programs of education, and your University is ranked among the top 50 universities word-wild (typo). This fact means that Master program in Comparative Organisation and Labour Studies is a great chance for me to get an education of a high quality and to become a specialist of an international level.

Actually I am sure that it is hard to find a better place to continue my education. I hope that my motivation and qualities will make me a suitable candidate to your program.

Looking forward to your response,

faithfully yours,
V.T.

Valentina, your letter is somewhat chaotic and unfocused. Your letter as measured by MS Word grade level comes in a grade level of nearly 17. That means, it overly wordy and difficult to read. You need to eliminate most of clutter and make the letter easier to read. Also, you have a lot of vague sentences that need to be clarified.

From reading your letter, I know you're a smart cookie and can do much better. I look forward to seeing your next revision.

Please ensure that you have spaces between your paragraphs. Otherwise it is too hard to read. My guess is that you pasted your letter into the text box. After you pasted your letter, the spaces were removed. To solve this issue, please do the following:

1) When you begin a new post, type "blah" into an open text box.

2) Then paste your letter.

3) Go back and delete "blah."

Here are some posts you should review. These posts will give you some ideas on the structure of your letter.

http://www.EnglishForward.com/English/SampleLetterMotivationApplication-LetterUniversity/xpzpl/po...

http://www.EnglishForward.com/English/MotivationLetterUniversityAbhinav-Gaur13/xqjzg/post.htm

http://www.EnglishForward.com/English/MotivationLetter/prrwb/post.htm

http://www.EnglishForward.com/English/MotivationLetter/xqdwq/post.htm