Hi,
I'm applying for a PhD Biology program in Germany and I would appreciate if someone could give me a hand with the motivation letter. Eventhough I have read several advices here, I am not used with this kind of letters.
I am certain that a a lot of work still needs to be done. That's why I hope that you could assess the strengths and weaknesses in this letter.More important, please do not hesitate to provide constructive criticism and list suggestions for improvement.
Thank you

Dear Sir or Madam:

I am writing to you to express my great interest in applying to the International PhD Program for Molecular Cell and Developmental Biology at your University for the 2011 fall term. I graduated in biology science in July 2010 with a strong focus on Genetics and Developmental biology.

My interest in science it is very old. Since my early years I used to woke up earlier to make sure that I will have plenty of time to buy my favourite weekly journal „Paranormal" which I used to browse on my way to school. However, the origin of my desire to study biology stands since I was in highschool. Reading was my greatest passion. I had no money for books but my best class mate knowing my passion stealthily borrowed me her father's book. Lucky her father was a biology teacher. Somehow, I knew that I would like to go and study biology. It was not a very conscious decision but, it was the driving force in this direction.

The moment I really got hook, would say, I was already admitted to University. Since the first course, embryology broadened my mind and aroused my interest further into scientific discovery. Then I realized that my career will focus on this area. My desire to get more accurated knowledge in embryology was growing from day to day. It has become my dream and main goal in my life.

It was this burning desire I possess which does not let me to quits when the experiment for my dissertation thesis failed. My co-ordinators have tried in vain to convince me to give up mind and try next year. but I simply think that crucial in our succes is the conclusion that in order to the best in any endeavour or field one is required never to quit. It does not matter how important is I never; never give up. Eventhough I was on my last 100 meter I decided to rehearse the whole experiment. Finally, I have made one of the best thesis. My work was published in the Biotechnological letters magazine. Now I know that Samuel Johnson was right when he said that „the prospect of being hanged focuses the mind wonderfully. I do thrived under pressure.

Once I finished the master I have prompted a desire to took time off between my Master's and Ph.D. degrees. I looked back and contemplated where I began, how far I have come, and consider the future for my scientific endeavors. It is the best thing I could've done. Now, I know why I'm here, what I intended to get out of it. However, after having left school I did not neglected to acquire belated educations. In particular I have taken German classes and have taught discussion biology lessons. Also, I have learned a lot from the classes of pedagogy and I taught biology classes in the gymnasium. The money I have won were donated to a project called „Lebensmittel für Bedürftige" where I have worked as a volunteer.

At the same time my dream was born. I wanted to contribute to the knowledge we have to find new way to slow the aging process since the embryonic stage. For me this is not an ordinary desire. It is a burning desire! An obsession. And it is feasible. I do not look for a miracle because I will not find one. It has been said that man can create anything which he can imagine. I believe it.

Indeed I have often seen opportunities where I can bring fresh ideas to the table and execute better than what is being done, but it would be naive to assume such a thing could be achieved without a formal education. I decided that in order to make my dream come true I must take off by marking the place where real science is practiced. For me this place is your University. It wasn't a blind decision to enter here. I had spoken to many relatives and I had come to understand that the education imparted here would be invaluable in achieving my goals.

Its international aspect and very high standard of education encounters different students from various countries. Furthermore, the interaction during the study is very enriching and exactly what I am looking for. I strongly wish to participate in this programme because here the research ask you to do things as good as possible. To push the limits. No boundary. I like to push the limits, its in my nature. I am convinced that this program is the concrete step towards my future as a scientist and continuance of my research in the field of Developmental Biology Science.
Thank you. I look forward to your positive response.

Yours sincerely,

Corrus
1 2
Welcome Corrus!

I have made some suggestions in your letter.

Hi, I'm applying for a PhD Biology program in Germany and I would appreciate it if someone could give me a hand with the motivation letter. Even though I have read several examples advices here, I am not used to with this these kind of letters. I am certain that a a lot of work still needs to be done. That's why I hope that you could assess the strengths and weaknesses in this letter.More important, please do not hesitate to provide constructive criticism and list suggestions for improvement.
Thank you

Dear Sir or Madam:
I am writing to you to express my great interest in applying to the International PhD Program for Molecular Cell and Developmental Biology at your University for starting in the 2011 fall term. I graduated in biology science in July 2010 with a strong focus on Genetics and Developmental biology.

My interest in science it is very old. Since my early years When I was young, I used to wake woke up early to make sure that I would will have plenty of time to buy my favourite weekly journal „Paranormal" which I used to browse on my way to school.
However, the origin of my desire to study biology comes from when stands since I was in high school. Reading was my greatest passion. I had no money for books but my best classmate, knowing my passion, stealthily lent borrowed me her father's book. Luckily her father was a biology teacher. Somehow, I knew that I would like to go and study biology. It was not a very conscious decision but, (no comma) it was the driving force which drove me in this direction.The moment I really got hooked, I would say, was after I had was already been admitted to university. Since tThe first course, embryology, broadened my mind and aroused my interest further into scientific discovery. Then I realized that my career would will focus on this area. My desire to get more accurated knowledge in embryology was growing (on a daily basis) from day to day. It has become my dream and main goal in my life.

It was this burning desire I possess which did does not let me to quitsquit when the experiment for my dissertation thesis failed. My co-ordinators have tried in vain to convince me to give up mind and try again next year, but I simply think that crucial in our succes is the conclusion that in order to the best in any endeavour or field one is required never to quit. (The last sentence is not comprehensible.) It does not matter how important is I never; never give up. Even though I was on my last 100 meter I decided to rehearse the whole experiment. (I don't understand these sentences. You did not explain the specific problem you had. If the reader of your letter is a professor, they would understand the problem. ) Finally, I have made one of the best theses. My work was published in the journal Biotechnological Letters magazine. (Give a full citation.) Now I know that Samuel Johnson was right when he said that "the prospect of being hanged focuses the mind wonderfully". I do thrive thrived under pressure. Once I finished the master my Master's, I have prompted a desire to took some time off between my Master's and Ph.D. degrees. I looked to look back and contemplate where I began, how far I have come, and consider the future prospects for my scientific endeavors. It is the best thing I could have done. Now, I know why I'm here, what I intended to get out of it. However, after having left school, I did not neglected to acquire further education belated educations. In particular, I have taken German classes and have taught discussion biology lessons (or "led discussions on topics in biology"). Also, I have learned a lot from the classes in of pedagogy and I taught biology classes in the gymnasium. The money I have won(earned?) was were donated to a project called „Lebensmittel für Bedürftige" where I have worked as a volunteer.

At the same time my dream was born. I want wanted to contribute to the knowledge we have to find new ways to slow the aging process that occurs steadily from since the embryonic stage. For me this is not an ordinary desire. It is a burning desire! An obsession. And it is feasible. I do not look for a miracle because I will not find one. It has been said that man can create anything which he can imagine. I believe it.

Indeed I have often seen opportunities where I can bring fresh ideas to the table and execute something better than what is being done, but it would be naive to assume such a thing could be achieved without a formal education. I decided that in order to make my dream come true, I must come to take off by marking the place where real science is practiced. For me this place is your university. It wasn't a blind decision to apply enter here. I had spoken to many relatives and I have had come to understand that the education imparted here would be invaluable in achieving my goals. Its international aspect and very high standard of education encounters (? this does not make sense) different students from various countries. Furthermore, the interaction (with what? - other students) during the study is very enriching and exactly what I am looking for. I strongly wish to participate in this programme because here the researchers ask you to do things as well good as possible. To push the limits. No boundary. I like to push the limits, its in my nature. (This is very verbose.) I am convinced that this program is the concrete step towards my future as a scientist and continuance of my research in the field of Developmental Biology Science.

Thank you. I look forward to your positive response.
Hi,
Thank you AlpheccaStars for the reply. I am grateful for the time you spent reviewing my letter. I have corrected it as you have suggested. Please, could you tell me if my letter is too long or boring? Are there languid paragraphs? If so, which one should be cut? Actually, the letter should not exceed 500 words.

Dear Sir or Madam:

I am writing to you to express my great interest in applying to the International PhD Program for Molecular Cell and Developmental Biology starting in the 2011 fall term. I graduated in biology science in July 2010 with a strong focus on Genetics and Developmental biology.

My interest in science it is very old. When I was young, I used to wake up early to make sure that I would have plenty of time to buy my favourite weekly journal
„Paranormal" which I used to browse on my way to school.

However, the origin of my desire to study biology comes from when I was in high school. Reading was my greatest passion. I had no money for books but my classmate, knowing my passion, stealthily lent me her father's book. Luckily her father was a biology teacher. Somehow, I knew that I would like study biology. It was not a very conscious decision but it was the force which drove me in this direction.The moment I really got hooked, I would say, was after I had already been admitted to university. The first course, embryology, broadened my mind and aroused my interest further into scientific discovery. Then I realized that my career would focus on this area. My desire to get more knowledge in embryology was becoming more intense from day to day. It has become my dream and main goal in my life.

It was this burning desire which did not let me -quit when the experiment for my dissertation thesis failed. I was not able to quantify the degree of skeletal malformations because I overstained the mouse fetuses. My co-ordinators have tried in vain to convince me to give up and try again next year, but I simply think that to succeed is crucial never ever think of giving up. It does not matter how important is I never; never quit. Even though I was under time pressure I did the experiment for the dissertation thesis again. Finally, I have made one of the best theses. My work was published in the journal Biotechnological Letters (citation - soon.). Now I know that Samuel Johnson was right when he said "the prospect of being hanged focuses the mind wonderfully". I do thrive under pressure.

Once I finished my Master's, I took some time off to look back and contemplate where I began, how far I have come, and consider future prospects for my scientific endeavors. It is the best thing I could have done. Now, I know why I'm here, what I intend to get out of it. However, having left school, I did not neglect to acquire further education. In particular, I have taken German classes and have taught private lessons in biology. The money I earned was donated to a project called „Lebensmittel für Bedürftige" where I have worked as a volunteer.

At the same time my dream was born. I want to contribute to the knowledge we have to find new ways to slow the aging process that occurs steadily from he embryonic stage. For me this is not an ordinary desire. It is a burning desire! An obsession. And it is feasible. I do not look for a miracle because I will not find one. It has been said that man can create anything which he can imagine. I believe it.

Indeed I have often seen opportunities where I can bring fresh ideas to the table and execute something better than what is being done, but it would be naive to assume such a thing could be achieved without a formal education. I decided that in order to make my dream come true, I must come to the place where real science is practiced. For me this place is your university. It wasn't a blind decision to apply here. I had spoken to many relatives and I have come to understand that the education imparted here would be invaluable in achieving my goals. Its international aspect and very high standard of education has aroused my interest from the very beginning. Furthermore, the cooperation with Max Planck Institute during the study is very enriching and exactly what I am looking for. I strongly wish to participate in this programme because here the researchers ask you to do things as well as possible. No boundary. Its in my nature to push the limits. I am convinced that this program is the concrete step towards my future as a scientist and continuance of my research in the field of Developmental Biology Science.

Thank you. I look forward to your positive response.

Yours sincerely,

Cori
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Hi Cori,

If I were you, I would make the writing more "scientific", since you are applying for a science degree. By that, I mean to devote fewer words and less energy on your determination, passion, burning desires, inspirational quotations, etc. and more on your specific work, subject or course interest, and experiences - such as the volunteer work you mentioned. It is your decision, though! - Regards, A-Emotion: stars

Dear Sir or Madam:
I am writing to you to express my great interest in applying to the International PhD Program for Molecular Cell and Developmental Biology starting in the 2011 fall term. I graduated in biology science in July 2010 with a strong focus on Genetics and Developmental biology.

This paragraph is not really relevant, since your decision on biology did not come until much later. The highlighted sentences are ones that personally I would consider cutting or shortening.

My interest in science it is very old. When I was young, I used to wake up early to make sure that I would have plenty of time to buy my favourite weekly journal „Paranormal" which I used to browse on my way to school.

However, the origin of my desire to study biology comes from when I was in high school. Reading was my greatest passion. I had no money for books but my classmate, knowing my passion, stealthily lent me her father's book. Luckily her father was a biology teacher. Somehow, I knew that I would like study biology. It was not a very conscious decision but it was the force which drove me in this direction.The moment I really got hooked, I would say, was after I had already been admitted to university. The first course, embryology, broadened my mind and aroused my interest further into scientific discovery. Then I realized that my career would focus on this area. My desire to get more knowledge in embryology was becoming more intense from day to day. It has become my dream and main goal in my life. It was this burning desire which did not let me quit when the experiment for my dissertation thesis failed. I was not able to quantify the degree of skeletal malformations because I overstained the mouse fetuses. My co-ordinators have tried in vain to convince me to give up and try again next year, but I simply think that to succeed is crucial never ever think of giving up. It does not matter how important is I never; never quit. Even though I was under time pressure I did the experiment for the dissertation thesis again. Finally, I have made one of the best theses. (Explain why you think it was "best" - what other theses are you comparing with? Was there a professor who said this? Can you quote them?) My work was published in the journal Biotechnological Letters (citation - soon.(At least give the title of your article.)). Now I know that Samuel Johnson was right when he said "the prospect of being hanged focuses the mind wonderfully". I do thrive under pressure.

Once I finished my Master's, I took some time off to look back and contemplate where I began, how far I have come, and consider future prospects for my scientific endeavors. It is the best thing I could have done. Now, I know why I'm here, what I intend to get out of it. However, having left school, I did not neglect to acquire further education. In particular, I have taken German classes and have taught private lessons in biology. The money I earned was donated to a project called „Lebensmittel für Bedürftige" where I have worked as a volunteer. At the same time my dream was born. I want to contribute to the knowledge we have to find new ways to slow the aging process that occurs steadily from he embryonic stage (You could have stated this specific objective earlier - it is powerful to have a specific plan.) . For me this is not an ordinary desire. It is a burning desire! An obsession. And it is feasible. I do not look for a miracle because I will not find one. It has been said that man can create anything which he can imagine. I believe it.Indeed I have often seen opportunities where I can bring fresh ideas to the table and execute something better than what is being done, but it would be naive to assume such a thing could be achieved without a formal education. I decided that in order to make my dream come true, I must come to the place where real science is practiced. For me this place is your university. It wasn't a blind decision to apply here. I had spoken to many relatives and I have come to understand that the education imparted here would be invaluable in achieving my goals. Its international aspect and very high standard of education has aroused my interest from the very beginning. Furthermore, the cooperation with Max Planck Institute during the study is very enriching and exactly what I am looking for. I strongly wish to participate in this programme because here the researchers ask you to do things as well as possible. No boundary. Its in my nature to push the limits. I am convinced that this program is the concrete step towards my future as a scientist and continuance of my research in the field of Developmental Biology Science.Thank you. I look forward to your positive response. Yours sincerely, Cori
Hi,
AlpheccaStars you were right. I should make the letter more „scientific". Thus, by following the suggestions you have made, here is another sample. However, I still feel like there's something missing. in my letter. The problem is that I can not figure out what is it?

Dear Sir or Madam:

I am writing to you to express my great interest in applying to the International PhD Program for Molecular Cell and Developmental Biology starting in the 2011 fall term. I graduated in biology science in July 2010 with a strong focus on Genetics and Developmental biology.
However, the origin of my desire to study biology comes from when I was in high school. Reading was my greatest passion. I had no money for books but my classmate, knowing my passion, stealthily lent me her father's book. Luckily her father was a biology teacher. Somehow, unconscious I knew that I would like study biology.

The moment I really got hooked, I would say, was after I had already been admitted to university. The first course, embryology, broadened my mind and aroused my interest further into scientific discovery. Then I realized that my career would focus on this area. It has become my dream and main goal in my life. It was this burning desire which did not let me quit when the experiment for my dissertation thesis failed. I was not able to quantify the degree of skeletal malformations because I overstained the mouse fetuses.

My co-ordinators have tried in vain to convince me to give up and try again next year, but although there was risks to not finish on time I did the experiment again. Finally, my co-ordinators said that it was the best paper of the year at the Embryology Department and recommended it for publication. My work „A comparative investigation of fetal skeletal anomalies in two mouse strains induced by cadmium"was published in the journal Biotechnological Letters (vol.. pg.. ). Now I know that Samuel Johnson was right when he said "the prospect of being hanged focuses the mind wonderfully". I do thrive under pressure.

Once I finished my Master's, I took some time off to look back and contemplate where I began, how far I have come, and consider future prospects for my scientific endeavors. It is the best thing I could have done. Now, I know why I'm here, what I intend to get out of it. Thus was born my dream. Eventhough, according to the scientists we are genetically programmed to live about 130 years, nobody has ever reached this age in this century. Starting from this assertion, I want to contribute to the knowledge we have to find new ways to slow the aging process that occurs, steadily from the embryonic stage. Also, having left school, I did not neglect to acquire further education. In particular, I have taken German classes and have taught private lessons in biology. The money I earned was donated to a project called „Lebensmittel für Bedürftige" where I have worked as a volunteer.

To reach my goal I decided to go to the place where real science is practiced. Your university is the perfect place. I had spoken to many relatives and I have come to understand that the education imparted here would be invaluable in achieving my goals. Its international aspect and very high standard of education has aroused my interest from the very beginning. Furthermore, the cooperation with Max Planck Institute during the study is very enriching and exactly what I am looking for. I strongly wish to participate in this programme because here the researchers ask you to do things as well as possible. No boundary. Its in my nature to push the limits. I am convinced that this program is the concrete step towards my future as a scientist and continuance of my research in the field of Developmental Biology Science.

Thank you. I look forward to your positive response.

Yours sincerely,

Cori
Thank you again for all your help, AlpheccaStars.

Cori
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Hi Cori,
I think you should make it even more "scientific" by adding sentences directly related to your studies and field. I cannot tell you what these are. Perhaps something about your professors, your favorite courses, academic awards, research that you are following, etc. I have tried to add some illustration, but I am obviously not as educated as you are in this field!
Regards, A-Emotion: stars

Dear Sir or Madam:

I am writing to you to express my great interest in applying to the International PhD Program for Molecular Cell and Developmental Biology starting in the 2011 fall term. I graduated in biology science in July 2010 with a strong focus on Genetics and Developmental biology.
However, the origin of mMy desire to study biology comes from when I was in high school. Reading was my greatest passion. Since I had no money for books but my classmate, knowing my passion, stealthily lent me her father's book which I avidly read. Luckily, (Maybe fortuitously) her father was a biology teacher. Somehow, unconsciously I knew that I would like study biology.

The moment I really got hooked, I would say, was after I had already been admitted to university. The first course, embryology, broadened my mind and aroused my interest further in a career in scientific research discovery. Then I realized that my career would focus on this area. It has become my dream and main goal in my life. (That is why I did not quit It was this burning desire which did not let me quit when the experiment for my dissertation thesis failed. I was not able to quantify the degree of skeletal malformations because I had overstained the mouse fetuses. (It was such a major setback that
My co-ordinators have tried in vain to convince me to give up and try again next year. But although there was risks to I risked not finishing on time, I did the experiment again. It turned out to be such a success that Finally, my co-ordinators said that it was the best paper of the year at the Embryology Department and recommended it for publication. My work „A comparative investigation of fetal skeletal anomalies in two mouse strains induced by cadmium" was published in the journal Biotechnological Letters (vol.. pg.. ). Now I learned know that Samuel Johnson was right when he said "the prospect of being hanged focuses the mind wonderfully". I do thrive under pressure.

Once I finished my Master's, I took some time off to look back and contemplate where I began, how far I have come, and consider future prospects for my scientific endeavors. It was is the best thing I could have done. Now, I know why I'm here, what I intend to get out of life, a lifelong . Thus was born my dream. Even though, according to the scientists (You are a scientist! You talk about "the scientists" as if they were separate from you. It is better to write "According to current research,") we are genetically designed programmed to live about 130 years, but the highest national life expectancy figures are only about 60 percent of that. Statistics from the US government show that only one male in a population of 100,000 reaches the age of 110. (This is an example of what I would call a "scientific" statement. It uses actual hard statistics instead of a fuzzy assertion that you cannot prove. http://www.ssa.gov/oact/STATS/table4c6.html
By the way, what markers are you thinking about that evidence stages in the "aging process"? In other words, how would you measure aging to test that you have made any progress in stemming it? - I'm just curious about your thinking, not advising that you put this level of detail in your essay. But, if you would mention some of the specific scientific challenges facing researchers, that also would put more "science" in your essay. ). nobody has ever reached this age in this century. Starting from this assertion, I want to contribute to the knowledge we have to find new ways to slow the aging process that occurs, steadily from the embryonic stage.

Also, having left school, I did not neglect to acquire further education. In particular, I have taken German classes and have taught private lessons in biology. The money I earned was donated to a project called „Lebensmittel für Bedürftige" where I have worked as a volunteer. (This paragraph is not necessary. It destroys the impact of your dream in the reader's mind.)

To reach my goal I decided to go to the place where real science is practiced. (This is not a good characterization. You imply that fake science is being done at some places...) Your university is the perfect place. I had spoken to many relatives and I have come to understand that the education imparted here would be invaluable in achieving my goals. Its international aspect and very high standard of education has aroused my interest from the very beginning. Furthermore, the cooperation with Max Planck Institute during the study is very enriching and exactly what I am looking for. (Put more specific information like this in your essay. Cite research that has been done here which you want to follow or professors who teach here whom you admire. ) I strongly wish to participate in this programme because here the researchers ask you to do things as well as possible. (I think that researchers are demanding no matter what school it is.) No boundary. Its in my nature to push the limits. I am convinced that this program is the concrete step towards my future as a scientist and continuance of my research in the field of Developmental Biology Science.

Thank you. I look forward to your positive response.
Hi,

Thank you AlpheccaStars for all the help you have given me with the letter. I especially appreciate the information and advice you have provided, and for having so much patience with me. Your assistance is invaluable to me. Please, my I ask you some questions relating my letter:
"If you were the admission officer would you remember my topic after a day of reading a lot of motivation letters? What will you remember about my letter and about me? What will your lasting impression be? "
I really want to write a focused, simple and short letter. No matter how many changes I will have to make.
Thank you again. I am looking forward to seeing your comments!
Cori

Dear Sir or Madam:
I am writing to you to express my great interest in applying to the international doctoral programme for Molecular Cell and Developmental Biology starting in the 2011 fall term. I graduated in biology science in July 2010 with a strong focus on Genetics and Developmental biology.

My desire to study biology comes from when I was in high school. Reading was my greatest passion. Since I had no money for books my classmate, knowing my passion, stealthily lent me her father's book which I avidly read. Fortuitously , her father was a biology teacher. Even if unconsciously, ever since I knew that I would like study biology. The moment I really got hooked, I would say, was after I had already been admitted to university. My favourite course, embryology, broadened my mind and aroused my interest in a career in scientific research.

To be one of the greatest scientist in this field has become my dream and main goal in my life. That is why I did not quit when the experiment for my dissertation thesis failed. Because the staining method was flawed I had overstained the mouse fetuses and could not quantify the degree of skeletal malformations. It was such a major setback that my co-ordinators have tried in vain to convince me to give up and try again next year. At risk not finishing on time, but with a very clear goal I made some changes to the previous staining method and re-did the experiment again. It turned out to be such a success that my co-ordinators said that it was the best paper of the year at the Embryology Department and recommended it for publication. My work „A comparative investigation of fetal skeletal anomalies in two mouse strains induced by cadmium" was published in the journal Biotechnological Letters (vol.. pg.. ). I learned that Samuel Johnson was right when he said "the prospect of being hanged focuses the mind wonderfully" because I have thrived under pressure.

Once I finished my Master's, I took some time off to look back and contemplate where I began, how far I have come, and consider future prospects for my scientific endeavors. It was the best thing I could have done. Now, I know why I'm here, what I intend to get out of life, a lifelong dream.

We are designed to live longer. According to current research, we are genetically designed to live about 130 years, but the US life expectancy is only about 60 percent of that. Statistics from the US government show that only one person in 100,000 reaches the age of 119. The causes? Too many. I intent to challenge this contention by exploring new ways to slow the aging process, even at the embryonic stage. I have already spoken with the academic stuff regarding my special interest in the subject. They told me that in order to reach my goal I must go to the place where are the excellent scientific facilities without boundary and which focused more on applied science and less on theory .

Your university is the perfect place. I had spoken to many relatives and students who graduated here and I have come to understand that the education imparted here would be invaluable in achieving my goals. Its international aspect and very high standard of education has aroused my interest from the very beginning. Furthermore, the cooperation with Max Planck Institute during the study is very enriching. It is renowed in the field of molecular biology and one of the world's leading research institutions.

I strongly wish to participate in this programme because offered exactly what I am looking for: practice-oriented research specifically aimed at contributing to the research regarding the aging process. I am convinced that this three-year international doctoral programme at the Center for Development Research in Berlin is the concrete step towards my future as a scientist and continuance of my research in the field of Developmental Biology Science.
Hi Cori - How do you feel about this version, compared to your original? If you like it better, then you need to push it further in that direction.

You need to write and think like a scientist. After all, science is your chosen career. Scientists deal in facts, data and findings. All scientists, if they cite statistics or results from a publication, make sure to reference the source. They also make absolutely sure that what they say is 100% correct. Where did you read that human biology limits the life span to 130?

This may seem like a very small thing, but if you do it, it gives the reader an important clue that you are already thinking like a scientist.

When you read that biology book in high school, what one specific thing you read impressed you?

Saying that you talked to relatives about the school is thinking scientifically if your relatives are scientists in that field, and can make an educated comparison between the different schools' programs. Are they?

Your essay still has grammatical errors, but since it is still in progress, that's OK; you can fix those on a final pass.
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