Hi everybody!

This is my first post in this excellent form! I cannot believe I have not been here before! There is so much to learn here...

I have to submit a motivation letter for the Erasmus University Rotterdam where I would like to study. The admission procedure consists of one single letter, which gives it a pretty big importance. Thats why I would be better if someone could read over it and help me with the difficult stuff.. Thanks!

Here is it:
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Dear Sir or Madam,

I am hereby applying for entrance for the International business administration program at the Erasmus University Rotterdam (EUR) in September 2007.In the following letter I will explain why I think that the EUR is the ideal university for me.

First of all, I would like to give you some background information about me.
I was raised in a small town called Schwenningen, situated in the South of Germany. Although every one in my family is German, my parents made me come in touch with foreign languages from an early age. Even before primary education, we listened to an English teaching program. Later, at school, I was a quick learner and the foreign languages rapidly became my favorite and best subjects.

I participated at several school exchanges to France and England before spending one year in America as an exchange student, living in an American family, attending High School and experiencing the American way of life. All these stays abroad made me more open to the world and ultimately, more curious to experience more.

One among many highlights in the US was the participation at the DECA state championships; a competition for all business and marketing students in the whole state. I was fascinated about how businesses operated, how marketing worked and how everybody could be unconsciously influenced. At this point, I realized that I wanted to do something with business in the future. Ever since then, I have been following the business news and recently, I even invested in stocks.

Back in Germany, I started to get involved in school politics by being elected president of student council. Part of my position was to lead a team and to negotiate certain goals. Many people were astonished how much effort I put into it, but it was worth it. I had the time of my life. This position sparked my interest for a career related to business and politics. I believe that by studying Business Administration, I will get a deep insight into the economic world. Politics will come along naturally.

After attaining the Abitur, I have been rendering my civilian service in a kindergarten in Stuttgart. I supervise children who spend their free time in our institution. As we are located in a socially disadvantaged suburb, my consciousness is now more sensitive to social problems. As a result, I see it as one of my responsibilities to help fighting the inequality found in many places around the world.

After graduation, I compiled my personal strengths and skills as well as my career ambitions to think about which university fits best to me. Also, I thought about which university I would fit best to. As a result, I came across the Erasmus University Rotterdam.

A very obvious reason why the EUR is an attractive university is its internationality. The Netherlands being already very international, the university has a high percentage of international students. I love to be among international students because it is a great possibility to broaden my horizon and get in touch with people I would normally never have the chance to meet. Getting to know different cultures and habits as well as different opinions and tastes, corresponds strongly to my nature. That is why I see my strengths in the field of communication and conversation.

Another good reason for me to join the EUR is its high standard of education. The education is respected for its way of interdisciplinarity and thus ranked among the top universities in Europe. This fact attracts many internationally known professors. In addition, the wide range of top partner universities and student networks offer more possibilities to better education. A program, held in English, will prepare with vocabulary, useful and necessary for an international future.After all, the EUR is an excellent start for an ambitious business career.

To sum it all up, I like to take responsibility and to work in a team to achieve common goals. I am very motivated and willing to put much effort in my work so that the results are satisfying. I am eager to make new experiences and I love to communicate. I believe that only the EUR offers the best education and chance of personal improvement at the same time. Therefore I withdrew from an internship offer in the US to be able to start my studies in September 2007. I never felt so right about one university

Thank you for considering my application. I would be very pleased to be granted admission for the fall term.

Sincerely yours,
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ok.. thats it!!!
I hope I didnt make too many mistakes..
Thanks everybody for reading it!!! It is a pretty long letter.. Emotion: smile (some 740 characters..)

I would be delighted if you post some corrections.. Otherwise this is my best attempt...

take care,

ReemE
Good letter. Problems highlighted for you

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am hereby applying for entrance for the International business administration program at the Erasmus University Rotterdam (EUR) in September 2007.In the following letter I will explain why I think that the EUR is the ideal university for me.

First of all, I would like to give you some background information about me.
I was raised in a small town called Schwenningen, situated in the South of Germany. Although every one in my family is German, my parents made me come in touch with foreign languages from an early age. Even before primary education, we listened to an English teaching program. Later, at school, I was a quick learner and the foreign languages rapidly became my favorite and best subjects.

I participated at several school exchanges to France and England before spending one year in America as an exchange student, living in an American family, attending High School and experiencing the American way of life. All these stays abroad made me more open to the world and ultimately, more curious to experience more.

One among many highlights in the US was the participation at the DECA state championships; a competition for all business and marketing students in the whole state. I was fascinated about how businesses operated, how marketing worked and how everybody could be unconsciously influenced. At this point, I realized that I wanted to do something with business in the future. Ever since then, I have been following the business news and recently, I even invested in stocks.

Back in Germany, I started to get involved in school politics by being elected president of student council. Part of my position was to lead a team and to negotiate certain goals. Many people were astonished how much effort I put into it, but it was worth it. I had the time of my life. This position sparked my interest for a career related to business and politics. I believe that by studying Business Administration, I will get a deep insight into the economic world. Politics will come along naturally.

After attaining the Abitur, I have been rendering my civilian service in a kindergarten in Stuttgart. I supervise children who spend their free time in our institution. As we are located in a socially disadvantaged suburb, my consciousness is now more sensitive to social problems. As a result, I see it as one of my responsibilities to help fighting the inequality found in many places around the world.

After graduation, I compiled my personal strengths and skills as well as my career ambitions to think about which university fits best to me. Also, I thought about which university I would fit best to. As a result, I came across the Erasmus University Rotterdam.

A very obvious reason why the EUR is an attractive university is its internationality. The Netherlands being already very international, the university has a high percentage of international students. I love to be among international students because it is a great possibility to broaden my horizon and get in touch with people I would normally never have the chance to meet. Getting to know different cultures and habits as well as different opinions and tastes, corresponds strongly to my nature. That is why I see my strengths in the field of communication and conversation.

Another good reason for me to join the EUR is its high standard of education. The education is respected for its way of interdisciplinarity and thus ranked among the top universities in Europe. This fact attracts many internationally known professors. In addition, the wide range of top partner universities and student networks offer more possibilities to better education. A program, held in English, will prepare with vocabulary, useful and necessary for an international future.After all, the EUR is an excellent start for an ambitious business career.

To sum it all up, I like to take responsibility and to work in a team to achieve common goals. I am very motivated and willing to put much effort in my work so that the results are satisfying. I am eager to make new experiences and I love to communicate. I believe that only the EUR offers the best education and chance of personal improvement at the same time. Therefore I withdrew from an internship offer in the US to be able to start my studies in September 2007. I never felt so right about one university

Thank you for considering my application. I would be very pleased to be granted admission for the fall term.

Sincerely yours,
Nona The BritGood letter. Problems highlighted for you

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am hereby applying for entrance for the International business administration program at the Erasmus University Rotterdam (EUR) in September 2007.In the following letter I will explain why I think that the EUR is the ideal university for me.

First of all, I would like to give you some background information about me.
I was raised in a small town called Schwenningen, situated in the South of Germany. Although every one in my family is German, my parents made me encounter foreign languages from an early age. Even before primary education, we listened to an English teaching program. Later, at school, I was a quick learner and foreign languages rapidly became my favorite and best subjects.

I participated in several school exchanges to France and England before spending one year in America as an exchange student, living in an American family, attending High School and experiencing the American way of life. All these stays abroad made me more open to the world and ultimately, more curious to experience more.

One among many highlights in the US was the?participation in the DECA state championships; a competition for all business and marketing students in the whole state. I was fascinated about how businesses operated, how marketing worked and how everybody could be unconsciously influenced. At this point, I realized that I wanted to do something with business in the future. Ever since then, I have been following the business news and recently, I even invested in stocks.

Back in Germany, I started to get involved in school politics by being elected president of student council. Part of my position was to lead a team and to negotiate certain goals. Many people were astonished at how much effort I put into it, but it was worth it. I had the time of my life. This position sparked my interest for a career related to business and politics. I believe that by studying Business Administration, I will get a deep insight into the economic world. Politics will come along naturally.

After attaining the Abitur, I have been rendering my civilian service in a kindergarten in Stuttgart. I supervise children who spend their free time in our institution. As we are located in a socially disadvantaged suburb, I am now more sensitive to social problems. As a result, I see it as one of my responsibilities to help reducing the inequality found in many places around the world.

After graduation, I awakened to my personal strengths and skills as well as my career ambitions to think about which university fits best to me. Also, I thought about which university I would fit best to. As a result, I came across the Erasmus University Rotterdam.

A very obvious reason why the EUR is an attractive university is its internationality. The Netherlands being already very international, the university has a high percentage of international students. I love to be among international students because it is a great opportunity to broaden my horizon? and get in touch with people I would normally never have the chance to meet. Getting to know different cultures and habits as well as different opinions and tastes, corresponds strongly to my nature. That is why I see my strong points in the field of communication and conversation.

Another good reason for me to join the EUR is its high standard of education. The education is respected for its multidisciplinarity and thus ranked among the top universities in Europe. This fact attracts many internationally known professors. In addition, the wide range of top partner universities and student networks offer more possibilities to better education. A program, held in English, will prepare me with vocabulary useful and necessary for an international future. In conclusion, I am positive that the EUR is an excellent start for an ambitious business career.

To sum it all up, I like to take responsibility and to work in a team to achieve common goals. I am very motivated and willing to put much effort in my work so that the results are satisfying. I am eager to gain new experiences and I love to communicate. I believe that only the EUR offers the best education and chance of personal improvement at the same time. Therefore I withdrew from an internship offer in the US to be able to start my studies in September 2007. I never felt so right about one university

Thank you for considering my application. I would be very pleased to be granted admission for the fall term.

Sincerely yours,
Thank you Nona! Emotion: smile
I corrected the your highlighted problems (underlined = corrected, bold = no clue) Emotion: big smile

For my own comprehension:
- "to come in touch with" is only used in context of a person
- verb: to participate in
- gain/collect experience...
- after all >>> synonym to finally and eventually, yet incorrect in this context.. why?

Whats the exact difference between opportunity and possibility?

What about the structure or content?
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"to get in touch with" is only used in context of a person - yes. Not sure about the 'made me encounter' either, grammatically ok, but doesn't sound natural. I think it's the 'made' part, it sounds as though they dragged you there kicking and screaming. Maybe 'parents exposed me to..'

One among many highlights in the US was my participation in the DECA state champion

responsibilities to help to reduce the inequality

broaden my horizons (this idiom always plural, I don't know why)

The education is respected for its multidisciplinarity and thus actually I should have highlighted 'the eduation' as well.

This education (or The university) is respected for its multidisciplinary approach and is thus ranked ...

after all >>> synonym to finally and eventually, yet incorrect in this context.. why? this is a whole other question, I suggest you post this in grammar if you really want to know the whys and wherefores. In conclusion is a good phrase here.
Thanks Nona for you help!

well.. I dont know if "to expose" sounds better...

It is more like
- to display
- to show
- to encourage
but none of these verbes really fit..

By saying "good letter", did you mean that I can send it like that? Emotion: smile
We do talk about exposing children to new experiences, exposing children to music, exposing children to art etc..it just means to make sure that they experience these things.

Yes it looks ok. Good luck.
Teachers: We supply a list of EFL job vacancies
sounds nice