Hi all,
I'm applying for a MSc program in Europe. I really need some feedback on my first draft since i'm not native Emotion: smile
From the directions;

"-Include a short autobiographical statement covering the development of your academic and professional pursuits, your current activities, and the relevance of your academic, professional, and other related experience to your proposed study.
-why you want to further your studies in this programme
-how your interests and skills will contribute to your success in it to your future career.
-what are your career intentions and why are you interested in pursuing those career choices?
-What accomplishments in your academic, professional, or other related experience are you most proud of and why?
-How would a Master's Degree in this programme help you fulfil your future plans?"

and it is limited with 250 words. Because it is limited, i added some information to my CV. I think this one is ok with the prompt.

Here is my motivation letter:

"My career ambition is to become a professional in energy industry. From power plants to aircraft engines, we must provide more efficient, reliable and cheaper systems to provide sustainability to our modern societies because of limited sources.

I will receive my Bachelor of Science degree in Mechanical Engineering from xxx in June 2011. I preferred Energy branch as last year specialization field which corresponds my goal and is related with my favorite classes, Fluid Mechanics, Thermodynamics, Heat Transfer and Turbomachinery.

I was fortunate to have an exciting opportunity in designing and developing my own project as an intern at Fluid Mechanics R&D Department of xxx I designed a .... oven that can be used on .... stoves and devised two different systems for .... of the oven and .... of the stove. This was a great experience to combine my intelligence, creativity and knowledge with an effective time management.

I believe the programme will not only strengthen my skills and give expert knowledge that will help me to overcome challenges but also give wider recognition of the energy and aviation industry. Moreover, by joining an international community and mobility between countries, I will gain intercultural competence and better understanding of the world as a whole.

I am confident that I will exceed your expectations, because of my academic skills and enthusiasm as well as the experience gained from my internship. I am sure to enrich the programme by enabling fellow students and professors to benefit from my ambitious and positive nature.
"

I'm sorry for censore. I must do it in para 3 because of confidentiality of the project.
thank you for your help and advices!
1 2
Its tough to explain so many things within 250 words. I have some suggestion as follows:

"My career ambition is to become a professional in energy industry Sector.

From power plants to aircraft engines, we must provide more efficient, reliable and cheaper systems to provide sustainability to our modern societies because of limited sources. No need this sentence.

I will receive recived my Bachelor of Science degree in Mechanical Engineering from xxx in June 2011.

is related with my favorite classes, courses Fluid Mechanics, Thermodynamics,

Mizan
my favorite courses Fluid Mechanics
Students: Are you brave enough to let our tutors analyse your pronunciation?
My name is Tofayel. I am a young Bangladeshi and an engineer. I was just accepted to two universities in the USA because of the excellent statement that was written on my behalf by an organization dedicated to excellence in education and helping foreign students to be accepted to graduate program. I heartily recommend this resource for all engineers that want to go to graduate school and advance their careers.
Hi Tofayel,

Forgive me for asking you this. but are you also going to pay services like this to write your essays and theses while you are in graduate school?

Clive
Just I am trying to gather knowledge various way and share with others.
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Thank you for your precious help Mizan, you're right about that it is very hard to clarify things in 250 words.

Thanks for your advice Tofayel, i know that there are some organizations, but i also know that it is not the right thing. I'm agree with Clive.

By the way, i'm still open to advices. Do you have any advices about my draft ? I really need your help. That word limit restraints me a lot. Now, it is about 270 words when i count the thank you part and etc. I attached my revised version in light of information that Mizan gives.


Dear Sir or Madam,

My career ambition is to become a professional in energy industry sector. I have been always intrigued by threats of dangerous energy consumption. As a conscientious human and engineer, I want to be a part of solution efforts that can prevent calamities.

I will receive my Bachelor of Science degree in Mechanical Engineering from ... in June 2011. I preferred Energy branch as last year specialization field which corresponds my goal and is related with my favorite courses Fluid Mechanics, Thermodynamics and Turbomachinery.

I was fortunate to have an exciting opportunity in designing and developing my own project as an intern at .... I designed an oven that can be used on ... stoves and devised two systems for... of the oven and .... of the stove. This was a great experience to combine my intelligence, creativity and knowledge with hard working.

I believe the programme will not only strengthen my skills and give expert knowledge that will help me to overcome challenges but also give wider recognition of the energy and aviation industry. Moreover, by joining an international community, I will gain intercultural competence and better understanding of the world as a whole.

I am confident that I will exceed your expectations, because of my academic skills and enthusiasm as well as the experience gained from my internship. I am sure to enrich the programme by enabling fellow students and professors to benefit from my ambitious and positive nature.

Thank you for considering my application, and I look forward to your acceptance.

Sincerely yours,

Xxx xxx

Hi,

I'm applying for a MSc program in Europe. I really need some feedback on my first draft since i'm not native Emotion: smile
From the directions;

"-Include a short autobiographical statement covering the development of your academic and professional pursuits, your current activities, and the relevance of your academic, professional, and other related experience to your proposed study.
-why you want to further your studies in this programme
-how your interests and skills will contribute to your success in it to your future career.
-what are your career intentions and why are you interested in pursuing those career choices?
-What accomplishments in your academic, professional, or other related experience are you most proud of and why?
-How would a Master's Degree in this programme help you fulfil your future plans?"

and it is limited with 250 words. Because it is limited,

Hi Blew,

Such letters are very personal, and basically are intended to show the reader the kind of person you are. So, it is difciult for me to offer you comments. Muy main advice it that you should reread the instructions and ensure that you have foowed them. I'm not suggesting you didn't, but you need to feel sure in your mind.

I'm just going to go through and see if I can make your English a bit smoother.

Dear Sir or Madam,

My career ambition is to become a professional in the energy sector. I have been always intrigued by threats of dangerous energy consumption. <<< Can you say this another way? What do you mean? As a conscientious human and engineer, I want to be a part of solution efforts that can prevent calamities.<<< Can you say this another way? What do you mean?

I will receive my Bachelor of Science degree in Mechanical Engineering from ... in June 2011. I selected the Energy branch as my final year specialization field, because it fits with my goal and is related to my favorite courses, Fluid Mechanics, Thermodynamics and Turbomachinery.

I was fortunate to have an exciting opportunity to design and develop my own project as an intern at .. I designed an oven that can be used on ... stoves and devised two systems for... of the oven and .. of the stove. This was a great experience, where I was able to combine my intelligence, creativity and knowledge with hard work.

I believe your programme will not only strengthen my skills and enable me to develop expert knowledge that will help me to overcome challenges, but will also give me wider awareness of the energy and aviation industry. This is the first time you mention aviation. I thought you wanted to work in the energy sector? Moreover, by joining an international community at abc University, I will gain intercultural competence and better understanding of the world as a whole.

I am confident that I will exceed your expectations, because of my academic skills and enthusiasm as well as the experience gained from my internship. I hope I will be able to enrich the programme by enabling fellow students and professors to benefit from my ambitious and positive nature. This last part sounds a bit too confident.

I'd be happy to edit again if you want to revise and repost.

Clive
Hi Clive,
thank you so much for your help, i revised it, changed and delete some parts. I did not change the part of "by joining an internation community at abc University", because the program has more than one university Emotion: smile I attached it for your re-examination. Again, thanks for spending your precious time.


Dear Sir or Madam,

My career ambition is to become a professional in the energy sector. I have determined my desire to pursue my education and career in Aeromechanics in Turbomachinery field not with economical perspective but rather a perception and ambition in providing solutions for sustainable societies.

I will receive my Bachelor of Science degree in Mechanical Engineering from Istanbul Technical University in June 2011. I selected the Energy branch as my final year specialization field, because it fits with my goal and is related with my favorite courses, Fluid Mechanics, Thermodynamics and Turbomachinery.

I was fortunate to have an exciting opportunity in to design and develop my own project as an intern at ... I designed an oven that can be used on gas stoves and devised two systems for ... of the oven and ... of the stove. This was a great experience where I was able to combine my intelligence, creativity and knowledge with hard work.

I believe your programme will not only strengthen my skills and enable me to develop expert knowledge that will help me to overcome challenges, but will also give wider recognition of the energy industry. To better understand behavior of fluids and design of turbomachinery, I would like to specialize in mobility option 2. Moreover, by joining an international community, I will gain intercultural competence.

I am confident that I will exceed your expectations, because of my academic skills and enthusiasm. I hope I will be able to enrich the programme by enabling fellow students and professors to benefit from my ambitious and positive nature.

Sincerely yours,

Xxx xxx

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