Hello!

This forum is absolutly amazing. Thanks to all the moderators here.

For some reason I cant login and get the confirmation letter, so I am just a guest.

This is my motivation letter to Erasmus uni in Rotterdam. I'll appriciate if someone can review it and point out my mistakes..

Thanks

Dear admission officers.

I desire to apply for the International business administration program at the Erasmus University Rotterdam, for the fall term 2008. In the following letter I would like to present my reasons for choosing your university and to provide a general background about me.

First of all I would like to introduce myself. My name is Dennis and I was born in Russia in the city of Vladimir. I attended to foreign languages oriented school and concentrated personally on English language since my first year. After finishing 7 years there my family moved to Israel. Here I continued my study focusing on language learning. Quickly I found that study in Hebrew which was totally new experience, wasn’t an obstacle for the adaptation in the new country. Contrary, foreign languages became my favorite subjects and already in high school brought me to decision that I would like to continue my future studies in European University with International oriented program.

After graduating from high school I served for 3 years in Israel Defense Force where I reached the rank of first sergeant. Despite the fact that I was unable to start my undergraduate studies directly after the high school, the army service was an extraordinary experience. It designed my personality, developed a various administrative and organizational skills. I was always interested in business and economics therefore during my service I deeply enriched my knowledge by following the world of economics and exchange markets along with reading related literature. All this have strengthened my final decision to study International Business Administration.

Following my research on European Universities I came to conclusion that the Erasmus University Rotterdam is the perfect match for my aims. Among several great features of this institution the most important for me is the very high standard of studies and more diverse international program. Students from all other the world attending variety of programs and able to expand their knowledge and share different cultures and opinions. This is exactly what I am looking for. In addition, Netherlands is very advanced European country with modern economics and developed markets.

Finally, I think Erasmus University Rotterdam is an excellent place to start my career. Since me being very motivated and ambitious, I think my strong points are good communication and administrating skills. I like to work in a team and to discover all the aspects of the successful teamwork.

Thank you for considering my application and your time.

Sincerely yours.
If no one replied, this means the letter is ok?
Hi,

I've made quite a number of edits for you to look at.

I'm not sure exactly what the name of this university is. Some have special names, 'eg 'The University of Toronto', while others are simple, eg 'Bristol University'. What does it say on their website. Can you just call it 'Erasmus University'? Or is there one with a similar name in some other country?

This is a good letter, but I think your final paragraph ('Finally . . ') ends a bit weakly.

Good luck, Clive

This is my motivation letter to Erasmus uni in Rotterdam. I'll appriciate if someone can review it and point out my mistakes..

Thanks

Dear admission officers.



I would like to apply for the International Business Administration program at the Erasmus University, Rotterdam, for the Fall term in 2008. My purpose in this letter is to present my reasons for choosing your university and to provide my general background.

First of all, I would like to introduce myself. My name is Dennis and I was born in Russia in the city of Vladimir. I attended a foreign languages oriented school and concentrated on English.. After I completed 7 years there, my family moved to Israel. Here, I continued my studies still focusing on language learning. Quickly I found that studying in Hebrew, which was totally new experience for me, was not an obstacle for my adaptation to my new country. On the contrary, foreign luanguages became my favorite subjects, and even in high school they brought me to the decision that I would like to continue my future studies in a European university with an international-oriented program.

After graduating from high school, I served for 3 years in the Israel Defense Force, where I reached the rank of first sergeant. Despite the fact that I was unable to start my undergraduate studies directly after high school, my army service was an extraordinary experience. It developed my personality, and gave me various administrative and organizational skills. I was always interested in business and economics, so during my service I deeply enriched my knowledge by following the world of economics and exchange markets through reading related literature. All this hase strengthened my final decision to study International Business Administration.

After researching European universities, I have come to the conclusion that Erasmus University, Rotterdam, is the perfect match for my aims. Among several great features of this institution, the most important for me are the very high standard of studies and the very diverse international program. Students from all over the world are attending a variety of programs and are able to expand their knowledge and share different cultures and opinions. This is exactly what I am looking for. In addition, the Netherlands is a very advanced European country with a modern economy and developed markets.

Finally, I think Erasmus University, Rotterdam, is an excellent place to start my career. Being very motivated and ambitious, I think my strong points are good communicative and administrative skills. I would like to work on a team and to discover all aspects of successful teamwork.

Thank you for considering my application and for your time.



Sincerely yours.
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Thank you very much Clive! Your edits was VERY useful.

But now I have some questions:

* In the sentence "and already in high school they brought me to the decision that I would like to continue my future studies..." you placed "even" instead of "already", so we don't use already in this context? Because in Hebrew and Russian it's the most suitable word..

* In the sentense "I was always interested in business and economics, therefore during my service I deeply enriched..." you replaced "therefore" with "so", why I can't use therefore here?

* I fixed the last paragraph, so please review it:

Finally, I think Erasmus University Rotterdam is an excellent place to start my career. Being very motivated and ambitious, I think my strong points are good communicative and administrative skills. I would like to work and study in a team of enthusiastic and determent students, and eventually to achieve the goals that I defined to myself.

Thank you!!
Hi,

now I have some questions:

* In the sentence "and already in high school they brought me to the decision that I would like to continue my future studies..." you placed "even" instead of "already", so we don't use already in this context? Because in Hebrew and Russian it's the most suitable word.. 'Even' sounds better.

* In the sentense "I was always interested in business and economics, therefore during my service I deeply enriched..." you replaced "therefore" with "so", why I can't use therefore here? 'Therefore' is not a conjunction. If you want to use it, start a new sentence or say 'and therefore'.

* I fixed the last paragraph, so please review it:

Finally, I think Erasmus University Rotterdam is an excellent place to start my career. Being very motivated and ambitious, I think my strong points are good communicative and administrative skills. I would like to work and study in a team of enthusiastic and determent students, and eventually to achieve the goals that I defined to myself.

Finally, I believe Erasmus University Rotterdam is an excellent place to start my career. Being very motivated and ambitious, I know that my strong points are good communicative and administrative skills. I would like to work and study in a team of enthusiastic and determined students, and eventually to achieve the goals that I have defined for myself.

Best wishes, Clive
Thank you very much Clive! [y]
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I am going to be honest with you, you need to work on that grammar. Remember it is a university you are sending that to.
Yes.