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Hi MountainHiker,

it's me again. I took some time to review and rewrite my letter. Well, then I had some problems with the server, don't know if it was error from my server or if the homepage had problems, but I couldn't post anything....well, but now it's ok again.

I hope the letter is far better now. Please have a look at it.

Thanking you!

--------------------------

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to apply for the Master’s Degree in Science programme in International Management.

My aim is to work in an international field of work related to marketing and consulting. Therefore I want to gain a deeper theoretical knowledge in management and analytical skills to evaluate business in an international context.

Currently I am studying Economics at the *** University in ***, Germany. I will probably graduate in April 2005 with a Bachelor of Economics (honors) degree. Although I want to focus on the marketing and consulting fields later, I want to gain necessary knowledge in all major fields of business.

Already in my school times I enjoyed management tasks, for example I was involved in the organising committee of the graduation ball. I am a very ambitious and determined person who really enjoys organising and presenting.

To prepare myself for this objective I did two interships so far to gain additional practical experience. I tremendously enjoyed my experience working at Rosenbaum Nagy Management Consultancy. Because there I had the chance to take part in a market research project. I learned systematic researching, analytical thinking and information evaluation. I have a passion for researches and most probably will conduct a research topic for my Bachelor Thesis. My second internship was in DDB, an international marketing agency in Duesseldorf, where I am still working. This employment is very enlightening and enjoyable as I have to meet exciting tasks being responsible for international customer contacts, information transfer and account management. Both internships have provided me with a deeper insight to the subject of my studies. From May 2005 to July 2005 I will likely be working in the marketing department of L’Oreal [shouldn’t I mention the name? I said the name of the other companies,too.] in Germany. I am looking forward to meet new challenges and tasks.

Furthermore, I also enjoy management and organisation tasks in my free time. As I am member of diverse organisations like AIESEC, the largest international student oganisation and WMC, the biggest global organisation among foreign indians, I learned how to organise seminars and congresses and how to conduct discussion forums and presentations. Both organisations are operating worlwide and I am maintaining contact with committees in almost every country. I think this experience will help me, especially when working in a global environment like nowadays. In this respect I also want to mention that my parents are from India and that I was brought up in a bi-cultural way and thus I have a broader point of view which again is helpful from a management persepctive.

In Addition to my University studies I also completed a training in Indian classical dance. As a professional dancer I hold stage shows all over Germany and abroad. Thus I already travelled around a lot and saw a lot of places. I think in my future career as a Manager in an international working field, this experience will also help. [What do you think. shall I just leave out the whole sentence, if the context to management is not clear?]

Working internationally, I thought it is important to know several languages. I speak English, German and Malayalam (an Indian language) fluently. Furthermore I learned french in High School and Spanish in the University. In fall 2003 I visited a language course in Granada, Spain to improve my language.

Now I want to focus on a Master programme which offers a broad range of subjects and electives like marketing. I know that the University of *** has an excellent reputation in this field. I already visited the campus and talked to the Adsmissions Tutor about the course structure and possibilties at *** University. I am sure that the University of *** would be the opt University for me to continue my studies.

Thanking you for considering my application and looking forward to your positive reply.

Yours Sincerely,
Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to apply for the Master’s Degree in Science programme in International Management.

My aim is to work in an international field of work related to marketing and consulting. Therefore I want to gain a deeper theoretical knowledge in management and analytical skills to evaluate business in an international context.

Currently I am studying Economics at the *** University in ***, Germany. I will [] graduate in April 2005 with a Bachelor of Economics (honors) degree. Although I want to focus on the marketing and consulting fields later, I want to gain necessary knowledge in all major fields of business. [or, I want to first gain a broad exposure to all facets of business…you can decide]

Already in my school times I enjoyed management tasks, for example I was involved in the organising committee of the graduation ball.[run-on sentence] I am a very ambitious and determined person who really enjoys organising and presenting.

To prepare myself for this objective[management tasks or your graduate degree] I did [or completed?] two inter[n]ships so far to gain additional practical experience. I tremendously enjoyed my experience working at Rosenbaum Nagy Management Consultancy. Because there I had the chance to take part in a market research project.[sentence fragment] I learned systematic researching, analytical thinking and information evaluation. I have a passion for research[] and most probably will conduct a research topic for my Bachelor Thesis. My second internship was [at] DDB, an international marketing agency in Duesseldorf, where I am still working. This employment is very enlightening and enjoyable as I [am] responsible for international customer contacts, information transfer and account management. Both internships have provided me with a deeper insight to the subject of my studies. From May 2005 to July 2005 I will likely be working in the marketing department of L’Oreal [shouldn’t I mention the name? I said the name of the other companies,too. If it is factual and historical, then yes. If it is hoped for in the future, then no.] in Germany. I am looking forward to meet[ing] new challenges and tasks.

Furthermore, I also enjoy management and organisation tasks in my free time. As I am member of diverse organisations like AIESEC, the largest international student oganisation and WMC, the biggest global organisation among foreign ndians, I learned how to organise seminars and congresses and how to conduct discussion forums and presentations. Both organisations are operat[e] worl[d]wide and I am maintaining contact with committees in almost every country. [T]his experience will help me, especially when working in a global environment[]. In this respect I also want to mention that my parents are from India and that I was brought up in a bi-cultural [environment] and thus I have a broader [view]point[,] which again is helpful from a management pers[p]e[]ctive.

In [a]ddition to my niversity studies I also completed a training in Indian classical dance. As a professional dancer I hold stage shows all over Germany and abroad. Thus I already travelled around a lot and saw a lot of places. I think in my future career as a Manager in an international working field, this experience will also help. [What do you think. shall I just leave out the whole sentence, if the context to management is not clear? Your call]

Working internationally, I thought it is important to know several languages. I speak English, German and Malayalam (an Indian language) fluently. Furthermore I learned [F]rench in High School and Spanish in [] niversity. In fall 2003 I visited a language course in Granada, Spain to improve my language.

Now I want to focus on a Master programme which offers a broad range of subjects and electives [such as] marketing. I know that the University of *** has an excellent reputation in this field. I already visited the campus and talked to the Ad[]missions Tutor about the course structure and possibilties at *** University. I am sure that the University of *** would be the [best?] University for me to continue my studies. [I know this part is not very convincing (agreed), but each niversity has a specialty why I do apply there….so I will have six letters, with six different endings]

Thanking you for considering my application and looking forward to your positive reply.

Hi Bunny,

Please

This letter is better than your prior letters. I see your organization a bit better. I would still do it differently. Your focus is on your activities. I would place the focus on what I learned or gained from the experience, with the activities supporting what I gained or learned.

Now you have

• Apply to university.
• My aim
• School management tasks
• Work experience
• Management and organization stuff in free time
• International travel
• Languages
• Why I love you
• Positive reply

I would change this to

• Apply to university.
• My aim
• I have learned or gained X1 with supporting information
• I have learned or gained X2 with supporting information
• I have learned or gained X3 with supporting information
• I have learned or gained X4 with supporting information
• I have learned or gained X5 with supporting information
• Why I love you
• Positive reply

For example,

As a future international consultant or analyst, I believe that knowing several languages is a very strong asset. Having lived and studied in Germany, I know German. And I l have learned English and French in high school. I studied Spanish in university and in the fall of 2003, I took a Spanish language course in Granada, Spain to further improve. Because of my heritage, I know Malayalam, which is an Indian language. With the rising importance of India in world trade, knowing an Indian language is a key advantage. My strong knowledge of four languages will be a major benefit in my international career.

If it is “organizational stuff” then do a similar paragraph on organization. Where have you demonstrated your organizational skills. What have you learned.

If it is exposure to international countries, then tell us what things you learned by traveling to various countries. Back it up with your stories about traveling to country X.

Hope this helps.

MountainHiker
Site Hint: Check out our list of pronunciation videos.
Hi there...
I am not quiet sure about the new outline you suggested...but I tried my best.
Now I have two different drafts...in my opinion the second is better...what do you say?
I am really always surprised because of my capitalisation....it's that we have this in German and I'm used to it..I know it's no excuse.

Hope you have the time and patience to look at it again.

greets
hunnybunny

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Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to apply for the Master’s Degree in Science programme in International Management.

My aim is to work in an international field of work related to marketing and consulting. Therefore I want to gain a deeper theoretical knowledge in management and analytical skills to evaluate business in an international context.

Currently I am studying Economics at the *** University in ***, Germany. I will graduate in April 2005 with a Bachelor of Economics (honors) degree. Although I want to focus on the marketing and consulting fields later, I want to gain necessary knowledge in all major fields of business.

Already in my school times I enjoyed management tasks, for example I was involved in the organising committee of the graduation ball.[run-on sentence??…I don’t know what u mean] I am a very ambitious and determined person who really enjoys organising and presenting.

To prepare myself for this objective [aim] I completed two internships so far to gain additional practical experience. I tremendously enjoyed my experience working at Rosenbaum Nagy Management Consultancy, because there I had the chance to take part in a market research project. I learned systematic researching, analytical thinking and information evaluation. I have a passion for research and would like [most probably…it’s because I want to do that, but I need the ok of my Prof, which I haven’t yet] to conduct a research topic for my Bachelor Thesis. My second internship was at DDB, an international marketing agency in Duesseldorf, where I am still working. This employment is very enlightening and enjoyable as I am responsible for international customer contacts, information transfer and account management. Both internships have provided me with a deeper insight to the subject of my studies. From May 2005 to July 2005 I will likely be working in the marketing department of a major health and beauty company in Germany. I am looking forward to meeting new challenges and tasks.

In the future it will get more important to know how to work in an global environment. As I already made such experiences through international organisation I can implement my knowledge in my career. As I enjoy also management and organisation tasks in my free time I am member of diverse organisations like AIESEC, the largest international student organisation and WMC, the biggest global network among foreign Indians. There I learned skills like organising seminars and congresses and conducting discussion forums and presentations. Both organisations are operating worldwide and I am maintaining contacts with committees in almost every country. In this respect I also want to mention that my parents are from India and that I was brought up in a bi-cultural [environment again the same word? surrounding? manner? can I use this?] and thus I have a broader point of view which again is helpful from a management perspective.

I had the privilege to travel around a lot and see many different places. Because in addition to my university studies I also completed a training in Indian classical dance. As a professional dancer I hold stage shows all over Germany and abroad. I think when working as a Manager in an international working field, this experience will also help.

As a future international consultant or analyst, I believe that knowing several languages is a very strong asset. Having lived and studied in Germany, I know German. And I know English fluently and learned French in high school. I studied Spanish in university and in the fall of 2003, I took a Spanish language course in Granada, Spain to further improve. Because of my heritage, I know Malayalam, which is an Indian language. With the rising importance of India in world trade, knowing an Indian language is a key advantage. My strong knowledge of four languages will be a major benefit in my international career.

Now I want to focus on a Master programme which offers a broad range of subjects and electives such as marketing. I know that the University of *** has an excellent reputation in this field. I already visited the campus and talked to the Adsmissions Tutor about the course structure and possibilities at *** University. I am sure that the University of *** would be the opt University for me to continue my studies.

Thanking you for considering my application and looking forward to your positive reply.

Yours Sincerely,

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

second version:

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to apply for the Master’s Degree in Science programme in International Management.

My aim is to work in an international field of work related to marketing and consulting. Therefore I want to gain a deeper theoretical knowledge in management and analytical skills to evaluate business in an international context.

Currently I am studying Economics at the *** University in ***, Germany. I will graduate in April 2005 with a Bachelor of Economics (honors) degree. Although I want to focus on the marketing and consulting fields later, I want to gain necessary knowledge in all major fields of business.

Already in my school times I enjoyed management tasks, for example I was involved in the organising committee of the graduation ball. I am a very ambitious and determined person who really enjoys organising and presenting.

To prepare myself for this objective I completed two internships so far to gain additional practical experience. I tremendously enjoyed my experience working at Rosenbaum Nagy Management Consultancy, because there I had the chance to take part in a market research project. I learned systematic researching, analytical thinking and information evaluation. I have a passion for research and would like [most probably…it’s because I want to do that, but I need the ok of my Prof, which I haven’t yet] to conduct a research topic for my Bachelor Thesis. My second internship was at DDB, an international marketing agency in Duesseldorf, where I am still working. This employment is very enlightening and enjoyable as I am responsible for international customer contacts, information transfer and account management. Both internships have provided me with a deeper insight to the subject of my studies. From May 2005 to July 2005 I will likely be working in the marketing department of a major health and beauty company in Germany. I am looking forward to meeting new challenges and tasks.

Furthermore, I also enjoy management and organisation tasks in my free time. As I am member of diverse organisations like AIESEC, the largest international student oganisation and WMC, the biggest global organisation among foreign Indians, I learned how to organise seminars and congresses and how to conduct discussion forums and presentations. Both organisations are operating worldwide and I am maintaining contact with committees in almost every country. This experience will help me, especially when working in a global environment. In this respect I also want to mention that my parents are from India and that I was brought up in a bi-cultural [environment again the same word?] and thus I have a broader point of view which again is helpful from a management perspective.

In addition to my university studies I also completed a training in Indian classical dance. As a professional dancer I hold stage shows all over Germany and abroad. Thus I already travelled around a lot and saw a lot of places. I think in my future career as a Manager in an international working field, this experience will also help.

Working internationally, I thought it is important to know several languages. I speak English, German and Malayalam (an Indian language) fluently. Furthermore I learned french in High School and Spanish in university. In fall 2003 I visited a language course in Granada, Spain to improve my language.

Now I want to focus on a Master programme which offers a broad range of subjects and electives such as marketing. I know that the University of *** has an excellent reputation in this field. I already visited the campus and talked to the Adsmissions Tutor about the course structure and possibilities at *** University. I am sure that the University of *** would be the opt University for me to continue my studies.

Thanking you for considering my application and looking forward to your positive reply.

Yours Sincerely,
Hi Bunny,

Unfortunately, I can't keep providing ongoing advice on this same topic. I have given you plenty of advice that you should be able to craft a well written letter. I need to help other people as well, and each iteration consumes a lot of time and effort.

If this letter is very important to you, I suggest you hire professional assistance. You might wish to investigate [url="http://www.welfordwrites.com/"]Welford Writes[/url]. I have never used his service, but he has helped in this forum. He gave excellent forum assistance.

If I can give one last comment: Focus on what you have learned or gained. The reader doesn't care about how many organizations etc. What the reader is most interested in is how have your experiences helped shape you into who you are. And how does who you are fit with your career objectives. You need to sell yourself that you have been acquiring or you have developed skills along the way through life. This is the same advice I have given repeatedly.

Good luck.

MountainHiker
Thank you for your help so far!

greets
hunnybunny
Students: Are you brave enough to let our tutors analyse your pronunciation?
hunnybunny,

You are most welcome. Sorry we couldn't arrive a satisfactory solution for you. But this back and forth isn't doing it. So I hope with the comments that I have given, you are better prepared to move forward using alternate resources.

MountainHiker
Dear Sir, Madam,
I am planning to apply for Master's Program in Canada. I already have made my "Statement of Interest" and I would like to have some feedbacks on this document. If it is possible for you to do it, please let me know that I can post it on this Forum.

Many thanks in advance,

Tantan.