Hi!

I am about to prepare my applications for some Universities in the UK.
Then I just found this website and registered here. I need help for writing my motivation letter. I asked myself, if I just could post my prepared letter on this forum and you can give some comments about it. Or do I need to be a member? Or do I have to pay for help?

I hope you will reply soon.

cheers
1 2
Hi,

You can just post your letter here. Please have a look for Nadine's and Soufiane's motivation letters. This seems to be a popular topic.

We are not proofreaders, and only give general comments. You should look around the site as you will others at various stages of their motivation letter.

And please . You must also be prepared to accept blunt criticisms and to work hard at your letter. I assume that you have thought deeply about your future and why you want to pursue your studies. Thus, you letter should reflect that.

MountainHiker
Hello MountainHiker,

thank you very much for your quick response. I already, went trough the letters of Nadine and Soufiane and some others. I think your advice and comments were really helpful to them. So that's why I also requested your help. Anyway I will prepare my letter carefully and post it then on the forum. I would really appreciate your support.

Thanking you in advance!

cheers
hunnybunny
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Dear MountainHiker,

I have prepared a Motivation letter, which is (I think) too long. But actually, I left out a lot of things I also wanted to mention. For example, my voluntry works in parishes and in a refugee camp, which I haven't mentioned or my plans about taking the GRE Exam. What is your opinion? Shall I write a longer letter and can I somehow reduce the length of the letter without leaving out information.

I hope you will look over my letter and give some comments.

Thanking you.

cheers
---------------------------------------

Here goes the letter:

Dear Sir or Madam,

My name is Nicole *** and I am writing to apply for the MSc International Management course at *** University.

Currently I am studying Economics at the *** University in ***, Germany. I will probably graduate in April 2005 with a Bachelor of Economics (hons.) degree. I opt for a Bachelor course instead of a Diplom because I already had in mind to study abroad for a Master programme. Already after completing my School Education with my Abitur I was sure about my professional aim. I wanted to work in an international field of work related to marketing and consulting. My main subjects are Marekting, Microeconomic Theory, Business Civil Law and Theory of National and International Taxation and finance. Although I want to focus on the Marketing and Consulting field later, I want to gain enough knowledge in all major fields of Business. Thats why I choosed a broad range of subjects.

To gain more practical experience I also did two internships beside my studies. First, I worked in a Management Consultancy, where I was assigned as an Assistant in a market research project. I learned systematic researching, analytical thinking, selecting suitable information and correct evaluation. My second internship was in a marketing agency, where I am still working. Here I learned to organise in an international field of work. I am responsible for customer contacts, information circulation and consulting. While doing these internships I was once again reaffirmed in my decision to work in this field. A futher Internship will follow in the Marketing department of a renowned Company from May 2005 – July 2005.

Moreover, I also enjoy Management and Organisation tasks in my free time. I am a member of World Malayalee Council, which is the biggest global organisation among foreign Indians. We have committees in almost every country. Currently, I hold the position General Secretary, World Malayalee Youth Forum. Through this organisation I learned how to organise seminars and congresses and how to conduct discussion forums and presentations. We are working in a global field, that means I am used to international atmosphere and know how to handle different cultures and customs. In this respect, I also want mention my ethnic origin. As I was born as an Indian and my parents are from India but we live in Germany, I have insight in two different cultures and I have a broader perspective in all things.

Furthermore, I am also a Member in AIESEC, the largest international student organisation. Here again I am handling management tasks and international dimensions. I learned responsibility and leader qualifications.

In Addition to my University studies I also completed a training in Indian classical dance. As a professional dancer I hold stage shows all over Germany and abroad. Thus I already travelled around a lot and saw a lot of places. I think in my future career as a Manager in an International working field, this experience will also help.

Working Internationally, I thought it is important to know several languages. I speak German, English and Malayalam (an Indian language) fluently. Furthermore I learned french in High School and Spanish in the University. In fall 2003 I visited a language course in Granada, Spain to improve my language.

To choose the right University for my academic studies I already visited some Universities in London and also *** Univeristy. I talked to Mrs. *** who guided me in my academic planning. After having known about the course structure and visiting the campus I am sure that the University of *** would be the opt University for me to continue my studies.

Thanking you for considering my application and looking forward to your positive reply.

Yours Sincerely,
Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to apply for the MSc International Management [program] at *** University. [1]

Currently I am studying Economics at the *** University in ***, Germany. I will [probably-delete] graduate in April 2005 with a Bachelor of Economics (Honors-check spelling) degree. [Already after completing my School Education with my Abitur I was sure about my professional aim.--probably delete too] The remainder of the paragraph needs work. I wanted to work in an international field of work related to marketing and consulting. My main subjects are Marketing, Microeconomic Theory, Business Civil Law and Theory of National and International Taxation and finance. Although I want to focus on the Marketing and Consulting field later, I want to gain enough knowledge in all major fields of Business. Thats why I choosed a broad range of subjects.[2]

To gain more practical experience I also did two internships beside my studies. First, I worked in a Management Consultancy, where I was assigned as an assistant in a market research project. I learned systematic researching, analytical thinking, selecting suitable information and correct evaluation. My second internship was in a marketing agency, where I am still working. Here I learned to organise in an international field of work.[3] I am responsible for customer contacts, information circulation and consulting. While doing these internships I was once again reaffirmed in my decision to work in this field.[4] A futher Internship will follow in the Marketing department of a renowned Company from May 2005 – July 2005.[5]

Moreover, I also enjoy Management and Organisation tasks in my free time. I am a member of World Malayalee Council, which is the biggest global organisation among foreign Indians. We have committees in almost every country. Currently, I hold the position General Secretary, World Malayalee Youth Forum. Through this organisation I learned how to organise seminars and congresses and how to conduct discussion forums and presentations. We are working in a global field, that means I am used to international atmosphere and know how to handle different cultures and customs. In this respect, I also want mention my ethnic origin. As I was born as an Indian and my parents are from India but we live in Germany, I have insight in two different cultures and I have a broader perspective in all things.[6]

Furthermore, I am also a Member in AIESEC, the largest international student organisation. Here again I am handling management tasks and international dimensions. I learned responsibility and leader qualifications. [7]

In Addition to my University studies I also completed a training in Indian classical dance. As a professional dancer I hold stage shows all over Germany and abroad. Thus I already travelled around a lot and saw a lot of places. I think in my future career as a Manager in an International working field, this experience will also help. [7]

Working Internationally, I thought it is important to know several languages. I speak German, English and Malayalam (an Indian language--should mention that when you use the word the first time, no?) fluently. Furthermore I learned french in High School and Spanish in the University. In fall 2003 I visited a language course in Granada, Spain to improve my language.

To choose the right University for my academic studies I already visited some Universities(why capitalized?) in London and also *** Univeristy(spelling). I talked to Mrs. *** who guided me in my academic planning.[They have no clue who Mrs. *** is, so don't even bother.] After having known about the course structure and visiting the campus I am sure that the University of *** would be the opt University for me to continue my studies. [Because why?]

Thanking you for considering my application and looking forward to your positive reply.

Yours Sincerely,


1) My name is Nicole *** and ...They will see your name at the bottom of the letter. No need to say your name.
2) You need to decide upon your capitalization and then be consistent. "finance" and "International Taxation". I would be inclined to NOT capitalize everything.
3) Organise what? Or you simply gained better organizational skills?
4) It sounds like someone "pronounced" that your decision is correct. There is no passion in this stuff. Why not something like...

I tremendously enjoyed my experience working at Agency X because I had the opportunity to participate in blah blah blah. These opportunities strengthened my skills in blah blah blah blah. I find this work challening, interesting, and invigorating and I am determined to become better skilled so that I can lead a group of researchers in the future.

Don't use that. But that is what I am looking for. I want to see that your work fires in interest, a spark from you. There is something passionate about your topic.

I get the impressoin you are being forced to take music lessons against your will. I did this and I did that. I learned this and that. Next, I plan to study this and that. Boring.

5) See comments for 4. Also, I am assuming that you will fill in the names of these mysterious companies and agencies? Also, be sure to watch your capitalizations.

6) I am unsure of the focus of this paragraph. Is your main point that you are from India, or is your main point that you have outside culural interests and take an active role? If it were me, I would try to play down that I was born in India. Rather I would focus on the management stuff, and as part of the management stuff, I'd mention that through my upbringing I have been exposed to more than one culture. Again, that is good from a management perspective.

7) See point 6. I would group all your extracurricular stuff together.

General Comments

Your letter almost has a sing song feel to it.

Currently I am...rather than I am currently
To gain more practical experience....
Moreover, I...
Furthermore, I...
In addition to, ...
Working internationally, I...
To choose....

This strikes me as oblique. Try being more direct.

Your letter to me lacks passion. I almost get the impression that your parents have put you on this treadmill of academic and extracurricular programs to better prepare you for your future career. Yeah, you're doing okay, but no passion, no fire. As I mentioned earlier, it almost seems as if you are doing music lessons against your will.

Tell WHY you are doing these activities, and WHAT you have learned, and WHY you enjoy learning and doing. Then you'll have my interest. Also, try to be more direct in your communication.

That should give you some food for thought.

MountainHiker
hello again,

I changed the letter and also tried to be more direct and express my passion. After reading it I think it's still not what you are looking for, but some parts of my letter are really good I think.
Waiting for your comments and always ready to improve more.

***

-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to apply for the MSc in International Management at *** University.

Currently I am studying Economics at the *** University in ***, Germany. I will graduate in April 2005 with a Bachelor of Economic Science (honors) degree. My aim is to work in an international field of work related to marketing and consulting. My main subjects are marketing, microeconomic theory, business civil law and theory of national and international taxation and finance. Although I want to focus on the marketing and consulting field later, I want to gain the necessary knowledge in all major fields of business. Thus I opted for a broad range of subjects.

Beside my studies I did two internships so far to gain more practical experience. I tremendously enjoyed my experience working at Rosenbaum Nagy Management Consultancy in Cologne. I had the opportunity to be an assistant for a market research project. I learned systematic researching, analytical thinking and selecting suitable information. My second internship was in DDB, a marketing agency in Duesseldorf, where I am still working. Here I find my job very enthralling and interesting as I am responsible for international customer contacts, information circulation and account management. From May 2005 – July 2005 I will probably get the chance to work for the marketing department of L’oreal in Germany. I am looking forward to meet new challenges and tasks.

Furthermore, I also enjoy Management and Organisation tasks in my free time. As I am member of divers organisations like AIESEC, the largest international student organisation and World Malayalee Council, the biggest global organisation among foreign Indians, I learned how to organise seminars and congresses and how to conduct discussion forums and presentations. In both organisations we work in a global field, that means I am used to international atmosphere and know how to handle different cultures and customs. In this respect, I also want mention my ethnic origin. As my parents are from India I was brought up in a bi-cultural way and thus I have a broader point of view which again is helpful from a management perspective.

In Addition to my University studies I also completed a training in Indian classical dance. As a professional dancer I hold stage shows all over Germany and abroad. Thus I already travelled around a lot and saw a lot of places. I think in my future career as a Manager in an International working field, this experience will also help.

Working Internationally, I thought it is important to know several languages. I speak German, English and Malayalam fluently. Furthermore I learned French in High School and Spanish in the University. In fall 2003 I visited a language course in Granada, Spain to improve my language.

The University of *** offers the programme which suits best my further academic planning. I already visited the campus and talked to the Admissions Tutor about the course structure and possibilities at *** university. I am determined to gain deeper knowledge in the management area.

Thanking you for considering my application and looking forward to your positive reply.

Yours Sincerely,
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Bunny,

I have gone through your essay and made some comments. It looks scattered to me. Not well thought out. I have also started a second iteration. You need to decide which one you want to work with and make the essay flow smoother. You are about to graduate from university in a business program. You should have strong writing and organization skills.

I think you need to spend a few days thinking about and reviewing your work.

Good luck.

MountainHiker



Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to apply for the [Master’s Degree in Science program] in International Management [they know what university].

Currently I am studying Economics at the *** University in ***, Germany. I will graduate in April 2005 with a Bachelor of Economic Science (honors) degree. My aim is to work in an international field of work related to marketing and consulting. [My main subjects are marketing, microeconomic theory, business civil law and theory of national and international taxation and finance.—they know what courses you are taking through your transcript.] Although I want to focus on the marketing and consulting field later, I want to gain the necessary knowledge in all major fields of business. Thus I opted for a broad range of subjects.

[Above paragraph needs work. I don’t think they are too concerned with the specific courses that you are taking. They want to know what your goal is. Also, I would NOT bury your main focus in life (My aim is to…) in the middle of the paragraph. I would have that as part of your first paragraph or as the second paragraph. If it is part of your second paragraph, then I would write what I am doing to prepare myself form ultimate goal.]

Beside my studies I did two internships so far to gain more practical experience. I tremendously enjoyed my experience working at Rosenbaum Nagy Management Consultancy in Cologne. [Why, what was so special about it?] I had the opportunity to be an assistant for a market research project. I learned systematic researching, analytical thinking and selecting suitable information. My second internship was in DDB, a marketing agency in Duesseldorf, where I am still working. Here I find my job very enthralling and interesting as I am responsible for international customer contacts, information circulation and account management.[Again, I don’t know what you are finding enthralling etc.] From May 2005 – July 2005 I will [likely be working for a major health and beauty company] in Germany. I am looking forward to meet new challenges and tasks.

Furthermore, I also enjoy [m]anagement and [o]rganisation tasks in my free time. As I am member of divers[e] organisations like AIESEC, the largest international student organisation and World Malayalee Council, the biggest global organisation among foreign Indians, I learned how to organise seminars and congresses and how to conduct discussion forums and presentations. In both organisations we work in a global field [not sure what you mean], that means I am used to international atmosphere and know how to handle different cultures and customs [poor sentence structure, and your exposure has only been to Indian cultures, and thus, you are NOT used to dealing with ALL foreign cultures]. As my parents are from India I was brought up in a bi-cultural way and thus I have a broader point of view which again is helpful from a management perspective. [that sentence by itself is okay.]

In Addition to my University studies I also completed a training in Indian classical dance. As a professional dancer I hold stage shows all over Germany and abroad. Thus I already travelled around a lot and saw a lot of places. I think in my future career as a Manager in an International working field, this experience will also help. [how so?]

Working Internationally, I thought it is important to know several languages. I speak German, English and Malayalam fluently. Furthermore I learned French in High School and Spanish in the University. In fall 2003 I visited a language course in Granada, Spain to improve my language.

The University of *** offers the programme which suits best my further academic planning. [because why?] I already visited the campus and talked to the Admissions Tutor about the course structure and possibilities at *** university. I am determined to gain deeper knowledge in the management area.

Thanking you for considering my application and looking forward to your positive reply.

Yours incerely,



Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to apply for the [Master’s Degree in Science program] in International Management [they know what university].

My aim is to work in an international field of work related to marketing and consulting.
To prepare myself for this objective I am doing or have done the following:
1) Academic
2) Practical experience
3) Extracurricular
4) Languages
[Looks like an outline, no? You need to make this into a smooth paragraph]

Currently I am studying Economics at the *** University in ***, Germany. I will graduate in April 2005 with a Bachelor of Economic Science (honors) degree. [they know what courses you are taking.] [Although I want to focus on the marketing and consulting field later, I want to gain the necessary knowledge in all major fields of business. Thus I opted for a broad range of subjects….this needs to be fixed. You want to ensure that you have a broad generalist background and plan more specialization in the graduate program??]

Beside my studies I did two internships so far to gain more practical experience. I tremendously enjoyed my experience working at Rosenbaum Nagy Management Consultancy in Cologne. [Why, what was so special about it?] I had the opportunity to be an assistant for a market research project. I learned systematic researching, analytical thinking and selecting suitable information. My second internship was in DDB, a marketing agency in Duesseldorf, where I am still working. Here I find my job very enthralling and interesting as I am responsible for international customer contacts, information circulation and account management.[Again, I don’t know what you are finding enthralling etc.] From May 2005 – July 2005 I will [likely be working for a major health and beauty company] in Germany. I am looking forward to meet new challenges and tasks.

Furthermore, I also enjoy [m]anagement and [o]rganisation tasks in my free time. As I am member of divers[e] organisations like AIESEC, the largest international student organisation and World Malayalee Council, the biggest global organisation among foreign Indians, I learned how to organise seminars and congresses and how to conduct discussion forums and presentations. In both organisations we work in a global field [not sure what you mean], that means I am used to international atmosphere and know how to handle different cultures and customs [poor sentence structure, and your exposure has only been to Indian cultures, and thus, you are NOT used to dealing with ALL foreign cultures]. As my parents are from India I was brought up in a bi-cultural way and thus I have a broader point of view which again is helpful from a management perspective. [that sentence by itself is okay.]

In Addition to my University studies I also completed a training in Indian classical dance. As a professional dancer I hold stage shows all over Germany and abroad. Thus I already travelled around a lot and saw a lot of places. I think in my future career as a Manager in an International working field, this experience will also help. [how so?]

Working Internationally, I thought it is important to know several languages. I speak German, English and Malayalam fluently. Furthermore I learned French in High School and Spanish in the University. In fall 2003 I visited a language course in Granada, Spain to improve my language.

The University of *** offers the programme which suits best my further academic planning. [because why?] I already visited the campus and talked to the Admissions Tutor about the course structure and possibilities at *** university. I am determined to gain deeper knowledge in the management area.

Thanking you for considering my application and looking forward to your positive reply.

Yours incerely,
Hello...

I see that I have to reorganise my letter...well, I think I will rewrite it and say exactly what I mean and what I want.

Regarding your outline...I thought I structured it exactly in this way??##! Well, but if it's not clear to a third person I do it more clearly and also let the text have more flow Emotion: wink

need some time for that

*** a lot
bunny,

The challenge is that you have hidden in the middle of one paragraph your major career objective.

You've got to make this stuff very clear. Tell the reader early in your letter how you have prepared yourself for your career choice and then follow up with some concrete examples.

The information required in your essay is, for the most part, already present. It just needs to be better organized.

I still don't see a lot of passion, but maybe it just isn't there. So at least organize your so that the reader is able to see that you have a game plan and you are executing your game plan.

For example, I graduated as a mechanical engineer.

In point or short form (as a crude example)...

I like science. I have always been and interested in science.
I like taking things apart and putting them back together again.
I like following technological developments and seeing their implications.
I like problem solving.
I like buidling things
I played a lot of sports as a kid.
I learned the values of teamwork and commitment.
I learned how to concentrate and focus on goals.
I learned how to structure my time to fit my activities into my schedule.
With my personal traits and and a science background, I knew that I would be well prepared for business as well. An engineering background is an excellent pathway to business.

So knowing all this, I could write (again, very quickly).

My goal is to become a mechanical engineer.

I have always enjoyed learning how things work blah blah.
I could write a few sentences here and show my NATURAL interest and passion.

Next, I would talk about my sports. I would talk about why I engaged in sports and what lessons I learned.

Then I would talk about my future career ambitions and how my prior commentary fit into all that.

Then I would wrap it up by providing a summary.

In doing all this, you have to becareful NOT to be overly patronizing. The goal of this letter/essay is to TALK ABOUT YOU. YOU are the focus, not the institution.

If you enjoy something, say why you enjoy it. What about that activity appeals to you? Would you do it if you didn't have to? Do you like attending those functions/activities?

If that school is the best school for you, WHY is that the case?

You have also got to make sure you letter/essay is brief and focused. The reader will be reading many, many of these documents, and very likely doesn't care anymore. All he is doing is trying to separate the better documents from the rest. So your goal is to be one of the better documents.

I hope the additional commentary provides more insight.

MountainHiker
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