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Good afternoon. Can you help me with my Motivation Letter to Short-Term Volunteer Program, please? I have a strong feeling that this sounds like a text of ten-year-old child… How can I improve it?

Dear Sir/Madam
I am %MYNAME%, a 21 year old %NATIONALITY% from %CITYNAME%. I’m looking for opportunity to participate in your volunteer program. Let me tell a little about myself and the reasons why I’ve applied.
This year will be very special for me. I'm from a very poor background and my greatest dream was always to get a good education. For the last few years I have been working on the application to the U.S. colleges, and finally will send it this fall. I have a little more time and there are several important things that I need to accomplish.
I've been studying English since elementary school, but I have never been in a foreign language environment. I find it necessary for myself to improve my language and communication skills, and your program will give me this opportunity.
The second important thing is that I can experience myself in an international environment. In case of success and acceptance into college, I’ll find myself in a very diverse environment. I'm incredibly excited that in your camp, I’ll be able to spend a month working among people from other countries, learning their culture, worldview, communicate with them and achieve our goals together. This is perhaps the main task that I would like to accomplish.
Finally, the volunteer movement is respected, especially overseas. So, it's the experience which I find necessary to acquire for myself. I hope that you are interested in my candidacy, and will help me achieve the goals. I will try to become a worthy member of your camp and will be happy to bring a piece of my culture to the group.
Thank you for your time. I look forward to your reply.
Faithfully Yours,
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Dear Sir or Madam,
My name is Kael Smith and I'm a 21-year-old high-school student from Capetown, South Africa . I would like to apply for a position in your volunteer program this coming summer.
I'm from a very poor background and my greatest dream has always been to get a good education. For the last few years, I have been working on applications to U.S. colleges and will submit them this fall. Time is short, and there are several important goals that I would like to accomplish before, hopefully, being accepted to a university in the United States.
I've been studying English since elementary school, but I have never had the opportunity to immerse myself in an English speaking environment. I would very much like to achieve this goal. I believe that I need to improve my language and communication skills, and your program could afford me this opportunity.
The experience of living and volunteering in an international environment would, in my opinion, assist me greatly should I be accepted to college. The diversity of your camp is incredibly exciting and the idea of spending a month working among people from other countries would be a dream come true. To learn of new cultures, share different views, communicate with people from many nations and achieve goals together would be a priceless experience. This is, perhaps, what I seek most.
Your volunteer movement is highly respected, especially overseas, and the opportunity to be a part of it is an experience I would treasure forever. I hope that you are interested in my candidacy, and will help me achieve my goals. I will strive to become an asset to your camp and will be delighted to share my culture and background with everyone I encounter.
Thank you for your consideration, and I look forward to your reply.
Faithfully Yours,
Comments  
Thank you very much, JohnParis! It sounds much better now.