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Dear All,
I'm trying to write a motivational letter for three days Emotion: smile English is not my native and I don't like to talk about myself that's why this letter seems to be the most difficult task in my life. Could you please read the first part of my letter?
I haven't added a part with a description of my personal characteristics and my goals and a part describing why you chose that university yet, I add them later,...but I wrote to much even without these two parts. I think I mentioned too much details, did I?
Thanks in advance for your help!

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to apply for the International Business Communication programme at the XXX University starting in the autumn of 2012. Having reviewed several graduate programmes, in consultation with those who graduated XXX University Master’s program at Twentieth International Education Fair in Moscow on October, 2011, I am confident that the XXX University has an excellent Master’s program that best meets my career goals and aspirations.

I graduated from high school in 1999 with a Silver Medal (in Russia - award for great success in education, GPA 4.94 out of 5) in XXX Republic. Simultaneously with the high school, in 9-10th grade I was studying in the Management Reserve Lyceum, where 20 most perspective students of the XXX Republic were selected to study on a competitive basis. Also I was one of five finalists of American Councils English language competition out of more than 500 entrants from the XXX Republic. We were competing for an opportunity to spend one academic year in the United States to study and improve English language. I have always enjoyed being involved in leadership roles.

As a result of my grades and achievements in high school, and high scores in the Preliminary Examination I was admitted to education in Russian State University of Trade and Economics, paid by state budget. In June 2005 I graduated with a specialist degree in World Economy from Russian State University of Trade and Economics.

I have been working since 16 years. First, I was working as an editor assistant and secretary and all these jobs in my early days were a source of additional income for a student but at the same time I learned to manage my time effectively, to negotiate with people and to make right decisions.

The biggest professional experience I had gotten then I started to work in YYY as a Marketing assistant in 2003. I was responsible for negotiations with radio, TV, press and Internet media, making sales reports and preparation work for presentations and press conferences dedicated to new music releases or artists promotion. At this time I first realized the power of communicating in business – I had to be persistent, sociable and creative enough to succeed in this business. The first album presentation of one of the most famous Russian singers later on, Jack Black, was my first big task - I was responsible for media accreditation for the show and the album was reviewed by all the media which the artist producer chose.

Soon after I was moved to the Copyright manager position at the same company. From 2004 I was responsible for negotiating with authors, music bands, Russian and international right holders (Russian Authors’ Society, Sony/ATV Music Publishing, Universal Music Publishing, Warner/Chappell, EMI Music Publishing), preparing of music releases (next albums of Jack Black (overall about 1m. copies), Marina (was awarded as the best Russian female singer in 2007-2009), music compilations and others). In my daily work I had to talk to the company partners, persuade them to make agreements which will be profitable for the company, such as reducing the payments for copyright clearance of our CDs, reducing remuneration for music alterations, improving of financial terms of current agreements. I also was responsible for making sales report and it’s analysis. The results of my analysis were used by managers to define whether the additional album copies are needed to be produced. I learned to be plodding, attentive, strong and flexible in negotiations. I found a lot of friends in YYY. Working there was as an incredible experience and a lot of fun.

In 2010 I changed my job because I need to find some new career opportunities. I was full of energy and started working with ZZZ, one of the major Russian content-provider. I’m working here nowadays as a Purchasing department manager with a functional of a sales manager some way: making agreements, negotiating and cooperating with record labels, music publishers and right holders, buying music and trying to sell it with a maximum profit. I had a lot of partners – 36 in total, and I used to cope with large amounts of tasks and allocate the efforts.

It's not the end but I'm worried if I'm on the right way...
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Hi;
Yes, it is too long.

The best way for you to write such a letter is to get out of your skin, and pretend that you are the reader (the judge at the University.)

OK, so, you are the judge now. Imagine that you have a pile of 200 applications on your desk that you have to read. More applications will arrive in the mail tomorrow, and the next day, etc..
Now you have less than an hour to make a quick decision on all these applications, and put most in the "reject" bin, and a few in the "keep for consideration" bin.

The letters that show a good candidate grab the reader's attention quickly. They are well-written, and are respectful of the judge's time. The best letters are those where the applicant quickly addresses these points: shows his qualifications of being a good prospective student, outstanding merits and qualifications, clear life-goals, enthusiasm for the institution and the program, and ability to get along in the social climate of the academic community. And the letter will be outstanding If the applicant can do all of that in one page or less. The letter is not supposed to be a life history. It should not repeat all the details that the judge can read on the application forms.

Think about this and edit your letter.
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Thanks for your advice, I edited the letter, but I still don't like it.
I don't have enough vocabulary to describe how good I am and how to grab the reader's attention.

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to apply for the International Business Communication programme at the XXX starting in the autumn of 2012. Having reviewed several graduate programmes, in consultation with those who graduated XXX Master’s program at Twentieth International Education Fair in Moscow on October, 2011, I am confident that the XXX has an excellent Master’s program that best meets my career goals and aspirations.

I graduated with a specialist degree in World Economy from Russian State University of Trade and Economics. While studying I started to work in AAA, Russian music label and publisher, the representative of AAA Music Group in Russia. Working there I was using my knowledge of international trade and learned to manage my time effectively, to negotiate with people and to make right decisions. At this time I first realized the power of communication in business – I had to be confident, persistent, but flexible sometimes and aware of international business practices, culture, and society of another country to succeed in discussions.

Negotiations with radio, TV, press and Internet media, authors, music bands, Russian and international right holders are an important part of my work. Now I have a lot of partners – 36 in total, and I used to cope with large amounts of tasks and allocate the efforts. I’m really proud of being in contact and making agreements with such majors as BBB and AAA Music Group.

I have always enjoyed being involved in challenging. Thus I graduated from high school with a Silver Medal (in Russia - award for great success in education, GPA 4.94 out of 5). Simultaneously with the high school, I was studying in the Management Reserve Lyceum, where 20 most perspective students of the CCC Republic were selected to study on a competitive basis. Also I was elected as a President of School Youth Board, where important questions of a school life were discussed. As a result of my achievements i high school, I was admitted to education in Russian State University of Trade and Economics, paid by state budget.

I define myself as an energetic and open-minded person with a dynamic, goal-oriented attitude and intellectual curiosity. Working in the record label for about 7 years made me a music lover, formed my musical taste. I am passionate about electronic dance music; it motivates me and gives me a force for new achievements. First time I visited the Netherlands to attend music festival and I was impressed by the country and language. The better way to understand other country – is to learn its language. That’s why I’m finishing the first year of studying Dutch now and it definitely will help me with living and studying in the Netherlands. The Netherlands as a multicultural country seems to me the ideal place for studying international business communication.

In conclusion I would like to mention that Russia’s growing economy is attracting many foreign companies to invest in the country. Russia, however, has a dynamic, unique, challenging, and sometimes complex business environment that could cause problems for some foreign firms. Studying International Business Communication at the XXX will give me useful knowledge and improve my competitive advantages. It will be an excellent impulse for my career.

Please feel free to contact me regarding any questions or concerns you might have. Thank you for reviewing my application, and I look forward to your acceptance.

Sincerely,
Some quick suggestions - not changing any basic ideas, but making it a bit more compact.

I am writing to apply for the International Business Communication programme at the XXX starting in the autumn of 2012. Having reviewed several graduate programmes, in consultation with those who graduated XXX Master’s program and met with your program's graduates at the Twentieth International Education Fair in Moscow last October, 2011, I am confident that the XXX has an excellent your Master’s program fits that best meets my career goals and aspirations perfectly.

I graduated with a bachelors specialist degree in World Economy from Russian State University of Trade and Economics in (year). While studying I started to work my career at AAA, Russian music label and publisher, the representative of the AAA Music Group in Russia. Working there I was Besides using my knowledge of international trade, I and learned practical skills such as how to manage my time effectively, to negotiate with people and to make right decisions. At this time I first realized the power of communication in business – I had to be confident, persistent, but flexible sometimes and aware of international business practices, culture, and society of another country to succeed in negotiations. discussions. Negotiations Closing deals with radio, TV, press and Internet media, authors, music bands, Russian and international right holders are an important part of my work. Now I have a lot of partners am responsible for the company's relationships with thirty-six partners. – 36 in total, and I used to cope with large amounts of many tasks and allocate the efforts. I’m really proud of being in contact and making agreements with such majors as BBB and AAA Music Group.

I have always enjoyed being challenged. involved in challenging. Thus I graduated from high school with a Silver Medal (in Russia - award for great success in education, GPA 4.94 out of 5). Simultaneously with the high school, At the same time, I was studying in the Management Reserve Lyceum, where the top 20 most perspective students of the CCC Republic were selected to study on a competitive basis. Also I was elected as a President of School Youth Board, where important questions of a school life were discussed. As a result of my achievements in high school, I was admitted to education in Russian State University of Trade and Economics, on a full state scholarship. paid by state budget.

I define myself as an energetic and open-minded person with a dynamic, goal-oriented attitude and intellectual curiosity. Working in the record label for about 7 years music industry has exposed me to many different music genres and made me a music lover, formed my musical taste. I am passionate about electronic dance music; it motivates me and gives me a force an inner spirit for new achievements. The first time I visited the Netherlands to attend a music festival, and I was impressed by the country and language. The better way to understand another country is to learn its language. That’s why I’m finishing my first year of studying Dutch now and it definitely will help me with living and studying in the Netherlands. The Netherlands as a multicultural country seems to me the ideal place for studying international business communication.
Dear AlpheccaStars,
Thanks a lot!!! I really appreciate your help.
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