The fingers gently sensed

the thin strings of the guitar.

Melody slowly swept by

like the warm afternoon breeze

playing with the tall grass.

The blue waterfalls in the background

fell swiftly to flow into the tone of the tune

mingling life into the lyrics of the song.

I stopped along with Time

to visit the beautiful abode of music.
1 2
Any comments would be appreciated.
Believe me, your poems always touch my heart. I liked the breeze and waterfall that you've mentioned. I guess I can hear it very clearly within my ,bleeding heart.
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that is a gorgeous poem, you think of it?

Cookie
Hello Anita

I'm not sure about the last three lines. Do they make it too explicit, do you think?

MrP
Thanks Sweet desert. I appreciate your encouragement.

Thanks Cookie.Yes, I thought about it and wrote it too.Emotion: smile
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Thanks Mr.P. I too was feeling that the last lines are a little out of the way.Maybe, this should be better...

The fingers gently sensed

the thin strings of the guitar.

Melody slowly swept by

like the warm afternoon breeze

playing with the tall grass.

The blue waterfalls in the background

fell swiftly to flow into the tone of the tune

mingling lyrics with Time

As I stopped by.

Actually something is still not very right I think.Any suggestions?
I'm not sure if you ment to do this, but I like the use of alliteration in line 7, yet maybe with a structured rhyme scheme the poem would have a more sign song effect to the reader which plays along with the musical metaphors present.
Anita_a
Actually something is still not very right I think.Any suggestions?

Hello Anita

"...tone of the tune" seems to suit the end of a sentence. Maybe there should be a full stop at that point.

I'm not sure about the slight abstraction at the end Emotion: time. What about if you arrange it thus:


Lines 1 & 2

Lines 6 & 7.

Lines 3, 4, 5 (end).
(i.e. omitting the last two lines.)

How does that sound?

MrP
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