Would you please check my essay?

These days it seems that an increasing number of people are leaving their rural areas to live in the city. Discuss some of the effects of rural depopulation and suggest some ways in which this trend could be reversed.


My answer:

Throughout history, people have always been in search of better living conditions, migrating from place to place or establishing permanent residences. Today’s continuing exodus towards large urban environments is no exception. This depopulation has negatively impacted both the quality of our life and the environment. A great deal of work lies ahead to address this undesirable trend.


Along with rural areas and small municipalities being abandoned appears the problem of the councils grappling with maintaining the sustainability of such areas. As their population depletes, smaller amounts of budgets will be dedicated to them from the central government and this will further accelerate their extirpation in meaningful ways. With no significant force to maintain the health of rural communities, no one will remain to protect their cultural heritage, such as vernaculars, customs, folklores, and so on, which have taken hundreds of years, if not thousands, to develop into their current form. The abandoned ranches and farms will also disturb the ecosystem of the countryside and will speed up desertification, as such green spaces will fade away.


But that is just one side of the coin; rural depopulation means urban overpopulation, which will drastically lower city-dwellers' living standards. Rising rents, lower wages and unemployment, and pollution are but a few adverse consensuses. The majority of sprawling poverty-stricken urban slums have accommodated people who left the comfort of their rural environment in search of better living conditions in large cities. That is while urban citizens will incur more economic burdens in providing food supplies. To meet the demand, governments will have to import the food which used to be locally sourced by villagers at much lower prices.

Though there is no quick feasible solution to this problem, governments must, at least to alleviate the plight, encourage economic diversification through different financial incentives and support so that farming would be just ‘one’ of the occupations young people might choose to enter. The lure of city life will not be so irresistible if young people can land more varied jobs based on their skills and interests. Educational, recreational, and health facilities and services must inevitably be improved and increased in number so much so that few people, if at all, would be forced to leave their homes to large and crowded cities to meet their day-to-day needs. Technology and high-speed internet should also be enhanced and widely available in such areas so that more remote job opportunities will be provided in that sector.

In reality, the tide of rural flight can only be contained and reversed through long-term measures. However, it is by no means insurmountable, and I am convinced that more people will choose the country as city life becomes less comfortable and more expensive.

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Are you practising for a particular test? If so, which one?

Hello teechr, thank you for your attention. 

Yes, I'm preparing for the Academic Module of the IELTS test, and I need at least an 8.0 in writing to be considered for fund for a PhD programme.

I know I've way exceeded the minimum wordcount, but I'm trying hard to improve my writing.

By the way, I've made some changes to the third paragraph, so please check the following draft if you intend to do so. Thank you so much in advance.

Throughout history, people have always been in search of better living conditions, migrating from place to place or establishing permanent residences. Today’s continuing exodus towards large urban environments is no exception. This depopulation has negatively impacted both the quality of our life and the environment. A great deal of work lies ahead to address this undesirable trend.


Along with rural areas and small municipalities being abandoned appears the problem of the councils grappling with maintaining the sustainability of such areas. As their population depletes, smaller amounts of budgets will be dedicated to them from the central government and this will further accelerate their extirpation in meaningful ways. With no significant force to maintain the health of rural communities, no one will remain to protect their cultural heritage, such as vernaculars, customs, folklores, and so on, which have taken hundreds of years, if not thousands, to develop into their current form. The abandoned ranches and farms will also disturb the ecosystem of the countryside and will speed up desertification, as such green spaces will fade away.


But that is just one side of the coin; rural depopulation means urban overpopulation, which will drastically lower city-dwellers' living standards. Rising rents, pollution, lower wages and unemployment are but a few adverse consensuses. The majority of sprawling poverty-stricken urban slums have accommodated people who left the comfort of their rural environment in search of better living conditions in large cities. That is while urban citizens will incur more economic burdens in providing food supplies. To meet the demand, governments will have to import the food which used to be locally sourced by such villagers at much lower prices.

Though there is no quick feasible solution to this problem, governments must, at least to alleviate the plight, encourage economic diversification through different financial incentives and support so that farming would be just ‘one’ of the occupations young people might choose to enter. The lure of city life will not be so irresistible if young people can land more varied jobs based on their skills and interests. Educational, recreational, and health facilities and services must inevitably be improved and increased in number so much so that few people, if at all, would be forced to leave their homes to large and crowded cities to meet their day-to-day needs. Technology and high-speed internet should also be enhanced and widely available in such areas so that more remote job opportunities will be provided in that sector.

In reality, the tide of rural flight can only be contained and reversed through long-term measures. However, it is by no means insurmountable, and I am convinced that more people will choose the country as city life becomes less comfortable and more expensive.

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AtaturkI know I've way exceeded the minimum word count, but I'm trying hard to improve my writing.

Yes, but the real issue is that your time in the actual test is limited, so you most likely won't be able to write that many words. And the last thing you want is to run out of time and not finish the essay.

You have two useful ideas in your first body paragraph. I suggest you write more about the second idea (abandoned farmland, reduced agricultural production, etc). I also suggest you omit the subsequent paragraph. It is off topic. Urban overpopulation is outside the scope of this essay.

You might want to take a glance at my replies in the following links to learn more about essay structure (topic sentence, supporting sentences, examples, etc).

https://www.englishforums.com/English/EssayAgreeDisagreeYoungEnjoyLife-Older/bjnlwx/post.htm

https://www.englishforums.com/English/CanAnyoneCheckEssay/bwpzmg/post.htm


For now, revise your first body paragraph (bearing in mind what I said above) and repost it below.

Thank you so much.

I tried to trim the body paragraphs based on your comments. Here is the new draft.

Throughout history, people have always been in search of better living conditions, migrating from place to place or establishing permanent residences. Today’s continuing exodus towards large urban environments is no exception. This depopulation has negatively impacted both the quality of our life and the environment. A great deal of work lies ahead to address this undesirable trend.


Villagers are in fact responsible for supplying a large proportion of a nation’s food, either directly or indirectly. They raise livestock for meat and dairy products, produce essential commodities such as wheat and rice; a whole nation relies on their production of fruit and vegetables on a daily basis. But that is not all. The abandoned ranches and farms will also disturb the ecosystem of the countryside and will speed up desertification, as such green spaces will fade away. Moreover, as their population depletes, rural municipalities will be left with smaller budgets and power to maintain their cultural heritage, such as vernaculars, customs, folklores, and so on, which have taken hundreds of years, if not thousands, to develop into their current form.


The lure of city life will not be so irresistible if young people can land more varied jobs based on their skills and interests. To this end, governments must encourage economic diversification in rural areas through different financial incentives and providing advanced infrastructures. For example, a website designer in the country should have at least a stable high-speed internet line to be able to work from the comfort of his home. Farming must be just ‘one’ of the occupations young people may choose to enter. Educational, recreational, and health facilities and services must inevitably be improved and increased in number so much so that few people, if at all, would be forced to leave their homes to large and crowded cities to meet their day-to-day needs.


In reality, the tide of rural flight can only be contained and reversed through long-term measures. However, it is by no means insurmountable, and I am convinced that more people will choose the country as city life becomes less comfortable and more expensive.

You wrote nearly 350 words. The minimum is 250. You will not lose points for writing more; however, longer essays generally do not get high band scores. And there are many reasons for this.

First, the longer the essay, the more chances you have to make errors, and you will lose points for each of those errors.

Second, your writing may be repetitious and wordy. This will cost you points in task response or coherence and cohesion.

Third, you will likely stray off-topic, and examiners will deduct points if you are not focused on the topic. Do not write about things that are not specifically given in the task. You will also be tempted to use weak or unsound arguments or even lose your direction and contradict yourself. Develop just two or three argument points with examples and personal experiences. It is much better to have two well-developed and fleshed-out argument points than to have four which are just individual separate statements.

Fourth, you will spend a lot of time writing, and not have sufficient time left over to proofread your essay. You will miss the silly mistakes, which everyone makes, and that lowers your score.

Fifth, you will not have enough time for Task 1, and get a lower score there. You should allow 40 minutes for task and 20 minutes for Task 1. The word counts are designed so that you have ample time for brainstorming and then writing the two parts.

Aim to write 270-290 words for Task 2. Practice writing a lot of essays so you get a feeling for the length.
You can use this word counter: https://www.ieltsscore.com/word-counter/

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You also have to focus on the prompt. It is the key part of the task. It tells you what kind of essay is being requested.

Learn the different types, because the response will be different.



I don't know why you couldn't just focus on the first body paragraph as I had asked!

What you need at the start is s topic sentence; that defines the scope (theme and limits) of that paragraph. For example:

The unfortunate phenomenon of rural depopulation has certain ramifications.

Do you see how the topic sentence is simple, but has two important parts - the overall topic (rural depopulation) and the special aspect of the paragraph (effects/ramifications). Now, you need to present an effect, elaborate on it and give an example. Then, you present another effect to the reader, and so on. Thus, the paragraph follows a general-to-specific structure. Try to do that and post your revised first body paragraph below. DO NOT rewrite the entire essay for now. Just redo that first body paragraph and post it below. Remember also to focus on the ideas and on the structure I've just explained to you. Do not write waffle or try to complicate your phrasing.

Throughout history, people have always been in search of better living conditions, migrating from place to place or establishing permanent residences far from their birthplace. Today’s continuing exodus towards large urban areas environments (wrong usage) is no exception. This rural depopulation has negatively impacted both the quality of our life and the environment. (You need a summary of the solution here to reverse the trend.) A great deal of work lies ahead to address this undesirable trend.


Villagers are in fact (This expression is used after an initial statement for emphasis. It is misused here.) responsible for supplying a large proportion of a nation’s food, either directly or indirectly. They raise livestock for meat and dairy products, produce (punctuation error. ) essential commodities such as wheat and rice; in fact, a the whole nation relies on their production of fruit and vegetables on a daily basis. But that is not all. The abandoned ranches and farms will also disturb the ecosystem of the countryside and will speed up desertification, as such green spaces will fade away. (I do not understand. The abandoned land returns to its natural state. Local wildlife will take up residence.) Moreover, as their population shrinks depletes, rural municipalities will be left with smaller budgets and power to maintain their cultural heritage, such as vernaculars, language, customs, and folklores, (Folklore is non-count) and so on, which have taken hundreds of years, if not thousands, to develop into their current form.

The lure of city life will not be so irresistible if young people can land more varied jobs based on their skills and interests in the outlying areas. To this end, governments must encourage economic diversification in rural areas through different financial incentives and providing advanced infrastructures. (Infrastructure is non-count) For example, a website designer in the country should have at least a stable high-speed internet connection line to be able to work from the comfort of his home. Farming must be just one of the occupations young people may choose from. to enter. Educational, recreational, and health facilities and services must inevitably be improved and increased in number so much so that few people, if at all, would be forced to leave their homes to large and crowded cities to meet their day-to-day needs.


In reality, The tide of rural flight can only be contained and reversed through long-term measures. However, it is by no means insurmountable, and I am convinced that more people will choose the country as city life becomes less comfortable and more expensive. (Do not introduce new ideas in the conclusion.)

(cross-posted)

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