Here's a short story I had written. I hope to get as many critiques as possible. And please let me know any mistakes I had made and any structuring of the language that sounds awkward.
If you happened to notice a series of similar mistakes which I tend to make very often, please correct me as well. ThanksEmotion: smile

My First Girl
“Hello, is this Ken?” a lady on the phone asked.

“Yes, I am,” I replied.

“Ken, we have accepted your interview and you can start working right away.”

I was delighted when I heard this as I finally got a job after 2 weeks of job hunting. Although, it was just a part-time sales assistant, it was good enough for a student who had just finished his general examination to earn some cash.

I quickly went to the bathroom and got myself washed. I went through my wardrobe and only picked out a jean that I thought was compatible later as I knew I would be asked to change into their uniform t-shirt that has logo of their company printed on it. I combed my hair and made sure I did not style my hair as spiky as usual, hoping to give a good first impression. I then wore my leather shoes and rushed out of my house to that departmental store for my first day work.

When I was there, I was quite confused as I did not know where to report. The other crews were all busy entertaining the customers or the goods. I just kept looking around as if I am one of the customers since I am still not wearing the uniform. I was hoping to see if I could seek help from any of the staffs who were free. When I walked pass the baby section, I saw a very angelic lady playing with her cell phone. She was slight and her glowing skins looked fair and smooth. This skin that wrapped her long legs were even alluring. What was even better was she is wearing the departmental store’s uniform! ‘Is she a contemporary of mine?’ I thought. I gathered my courage and went forward to her.

“How can I help you, sir?” she asked in her sweetest voice.

“Err…this is my first day working and can I know who do I report to?”

“Follow me,” she said as she slides her mobile into the pocket on her mini-skirt.

She brought me to a room and she returned to where she had left. I turned my head to glance at her the last time before I knocked on the door and stepped into the room. It was the manager there in his office.

“Good morning, sir. I am Ken” I greeted.

“Glad to see you joining us,” sliding open one of his drawers and took out a nicely folded uniform. “Here’s your uniform. Change into it and I will show you where you will be working.”

After changing into the uniform, the manager showed me around the departmental store’s different sections and told me about my job. When finally we were back to the baby’s section, he said, “This will be where you will be in-charge of and Emily will be your partner. Both of you will take charge of folding up and arranging the babies clothes here and to assist any inquires from the customers.” He went back to his office after telling this.

“Oh yes!” for a moment I thought. I am elated that I could have such a beautiful lady as my partner. I thought it was my chance. However, I also anguished that I might embarrass myself in any ways under the pressure of a provocative woman. But I knew no matter what, I still had to work with her to earn my cash.

I turned my head and looked at her. She was folding the shirts on the shelf with her fine and elegant fingers that had messed up by the customers. I went near her, hoping to help her to fold the other clothes. When I was just beside her, the scent of her feminine intrigued my nose and made me even nervous. I closed my eyes for a moment to subdue my nervousness and started to fold the rest of the clothes with her.

“Hi, I am Ken,” I introduced myself.

She did not reply me immediately and this made me thought I was talking to the wall. I felt quite embarrassed a little initially until she said, “I am Emily, and you know my name. The manager just said it.”

Beautiful girls are all of the same; haughty, I consoled myself. Just before she got less attractive to me, she suddenly came nearer to me and said, “You shouldn’t fold the clothes this way. Let me show you how.” This was the longest time I ever heard her sweet voice serenading so far. I stared at her fine, long fingers, folding the clothes in the most elegant manner rather than how the clothes should be folded. All these almost melted my heart. After that, she taught me the way the toys should be displayed in the window cupboard and the way to entertain customers. As we got closer, we began to talk more easily. When there were no customers around, we chatted continuously. We had pleasantries from our studies to our lives in school, from our friends to our family members and even shared our own spooky personal experiences and to funny ones. I will always laugh when I saw her laughing. Sometimes, when our laughter was too loud, our manager reprimanded us. But after he had left, we continued and often started cursing him first before going onto to others. We have never had insufficient topics to chat on. I also got to know that she was at the same age of mine, seventeen years old, and had also just finished her general examination. She also hated guys who flirt. This was the reason why she spoke to me so unwillingly at first as she thought I am one of those kinds.

This went on everyday when we were at work. Our relationship became closer. We will have all our meals together before and after work. During work, she will continue to guide me like my virtuous mother. Sometimes, I would purposely do something wrong for her to get closer to me to correct me.

During on of our conversations, she told me that her computer had broken down and she had been very boring at home. I could not bear to see her feeling bored at home and volunteered to help her to fix her computer although I was afraid it was beyond my knowledge of computer. That evening after we were over our working hours, we went straight to her house after having our dinner together.

I was quite awkward when I was at her house because this was the first time I ever stepped into house of a female friend. I followed her to her room and switched her computer on.

“Look at my Internet Explorer,” she said as she closed the door of her room. “There are pop ups all over and there is also a toolbar which I don’t even know when I installed it. Worst still, I could not go into the Internet after these things affected my computer!”

“Ad-wares I guess. These damn wares always cause troubles to our computers.” I said, hoping that my guess was not wrong to avoid any embarrassment.

I diagnosed her computer a while and realised that it were the ad-wares that had messed the IP address stack of her computer. It took me about an hour to remove the ad-wares and reestablish the Internet connection. By then, she had already fallen asleep on her bed. The splendours of the way she slept were really adorable. I could not help but stared at her for a few minutes before I told her that her computer was repaired. I shook her slightly to wake her up. She slowly pulled opened her eye lit.

“Your computer is now okay.”

“Really?” she raised her voice a little as she got off her bed to her computer chair.

The first thing she did was she ran Gunbound, an online shooting game, and asked me to play with her. I ever heard of the game but I never really knew how to play. To avoid being anti-climax, I agreed. When the game started, I stood beside her chair and hold the mouse to aim. I could not really aim well and Emily kept laughing wryly on her chair. During the next game, she held my hand on the mouse and guided me to aim our enemies in the game. I felt so warm under her hands. The warmth was like conducting from her palms to my hands. The feeling was terrific. We were laughing and having lots of fun as she guided me just like how she did to me at the departmental store. As we got more excited, we accidentally knocked our heads into each other’s. We turned our heads and looked at each other and she was still laughing. I could not stand that cuteness and pushed my head forward and caressed her lips lightly. Her laughter immediately subdued. Her face turned crimson and her eyes were looking at the ground, avoiding mine. I slowly moved my lips closer to hers again, gently touch her lips with mine and soon, she began to response. I put both my arms around her neck and she put hers around my waist as we both stood up. Our tongues were tightly locked and we both fell onto the bed with our lips still together. We kissed even harder, so hard that she was rubbing her feet very vigorously. The feeling was fantastic. I could not resist myself. I had never felt such an intimacy before. The feeling of fondness, the feeling of love.

Just before a minute is up, Emily’s mother knocked on the door and turned open the brass doorknob. Emily and I immediately jump out off her bed and she brushed her tresses to the back.

“Here are drinks for your friend and you,” her mother said as she placed the two cups of drink on the table and left.

Now, we were left alone on the room again. However, this time round, we were all blushed. Our eyes dare not face each other’s but we all knew in our hearts that we started to like one another. We were just waiting for one another to declare our love and to accept it. Unfortunately, pride was the weapon that ruined my chance.

“It’s late and…and I guess I should take my leave,” I said.

When I was in the lift of her flat, I regretted for having too much pride. I should have said I loved her and things would not be that difficult anymore. I cursed myself and kicked the wall of the lift so hard that the lift shook for a while and I thought the lights might went off the next second.

I did not see her at work the next day. The manager told me she took a day leave and I will have to work alone that day. My mood was down the whole day. No more fine hands guiding me to fold the clothes and arrange the toys. No more sweet voice serenading around my ears. Most importantly, no more that unique and sweet feminine scent flowing past my nose. My whole mind was all about Emily. So, I pretended to be ill and requested the manager for a half-day leave.

Since my mind is all about her, I decided to take a trip to her house. I called her mobile when I was in the bus on my way but it was switched off. I called her house but nobody picked up. This farther worried me. When I was at the void deck of her flat, I called her mobile again but it was still switched off. I had got no idea where to look for her. I just ran around her estate area with my mobile in my hand kept dialing her number. After a while, I saw a solitary back of a figure swinging gently on the swing on a children’s playground a few metres away. I slowly walked towards the playground; it was Emily! When I was standing at her back, she had stopped swinging. I brushed her hair at her side to the back of her ear. She turned around and stood up when she saw it was me.

“Hi…why are you here?” she asked and smiled aberrantly.

“I was worry about you.”

She smiled again and looked at the dark clouds that shrouded the sun.

I then put my hands on her shoulder and took a deep breath and said, “Emily, I… I love you!”

Just then, the sky started to pour heavily abruptly.

“Can you be my girlfriend?”

She then hugged me and rested her cheek on my shoulder. I could felt that intimacy again and we both hugged tightly under the rain.

“Will you be good to me?”

“I promise you will be my first and only girl throughout the rest of my life,” brushing her wet hair down through my fingers.

She hugged me even tightly.

“I am all yours now,” she whispered at my ear, and caressed my neck.

I felt as if I was in the seventh heaven when I heard that and smiled from ear to ear.
AH love, romance, lust, hormones - what a base for a short story!I like your characters and the way they gradually come together.

I think your story is far too long though. You have included a lot of details thst do not either advance the plot or show us more about the characters, so get in the way of the story.

If I were you I would now sit down and try to reduce the length by about 50%. I think you will have a much better story for it. My beginning would be:

“Hello, Ken? We would like you to start work right away.”

I couldn't help grinning when I heard this. My job hunting had finally paid off. Although it was just a part-time sales job, it was good enough for me to get some cash together now my exams were over.

I went through my wardrobe and picked out a pair of jeans I thought might just about go with the store's logo'd t-shirt. I even combed my hair instead of spiking it up, to make a good first impression.

I came out of my house and strutted towards that departmental store for my first ever day's work.
Thanks for ur comment and advice.Emotion: smile
I will try to rewrite and see if I can condense it.
However, were the structuring of the sentences in the one I wrote above sounds awkward?