Tired of being me

Chapter 1 – Dreams come true

I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth as I felt the sharp blade of the knife cut through my skin. I could hear it slide through the flesh and I pulled it towards me. I felt the pain sear down my arm, as I drew the knife away and opened my eyes. I put the knife to my skin again, and pierced it once more, trying to take the pain. I opened my eyes, hoping it was just another dream, one of the many dreams I had had of doing it. Waking up to the sound of my teachers voice in class, telling me to pay attention, or waking up in the night in a cold sweat. But no, this was not a dream. This time I was really doing it. It had gone too far. I didn’t want to live any more, and this was how I was going to end it. All the lies, the teasing, the being me. It was all going to end. Right here. Right now. I drew the blade through my arm one more time, lay back on my bed and closed my eyes.
I awoke in hospital the next morning. But no. I wasn’t supposed to be here. I didn’t want to be here, I was meant to be dead. What had gone wrong? Why hadn’t I awoken in heaven?
My eyes were blurry after being closed for a long time, but I could make out the outline of a nurse towering over me. I opened my mouth to talk, but the nurse had already left. “Doctor, she’s awake”, I heard her say. Then another figure appeared, and as things became clearer I could see he was a tall man with a muscular, but wrinkled face. He spoke to me in a soft voice, “How are you feeling? Do you feel sick? Faint? Drowsy?” I didn’t want to talk back. I didn’t feel like it, I was too disappointed. “Hmm”, he mumbled, “Well then, maybe you should get some more rest. Just say if you need anything”. So I closed my eyes and relaxed again, with his face still in my mind. Then I suddenly became aware of the numb feeling in my right arm. I looked down at it weakly, and saw the white bandage wrapped around it, stained with dry blood. I stared at it for a while, but it wasn’t long before I had drifted back off to sleep. As I slept, I could hear the voices all around me again. I could hear the other children in the playground throwing abuse at me; I could see Janice’s face in an art lesson, sneering at me as she whispered to her friends. And again I saw myself in the mirror, looking at my round, mutilated body and the tears streaming down my chubby cheeks. Then I remembered the real reason I wanted to die: I hated myself, and I hated being me.

Chapter 2

I opened my eyes and stared up at my ceiling. As I stared, I started to make pictures out of the patterns that were there. I often did that; it was something to pass the time and a good way to clear my mind. The only problem was, this time all I could make out was gravestones, tear drops, sad faces and anything else associated with depression. This was my first day back at school after I had been in hospital – and I wasn’t looking forward to it. In some ways, I wish I had never cut my wrists, like the stick I was going to get when I returned to school, all the names; “Weirdo”, “Twisted little girl”, “Freakazoid”. I thought maybe doing it would make life easier, but I realise now that it is just another thing that people can use against me. Along with my glasses, my height and everything else, I had gone and given them something else to tease me about.
I climbed out of bed, walked over to my wardrobe and looked in the mirror – well, tried to. I took a glimpse and had to turn away instantly. I couldn’t stand to look at myself, not for even one moment. But I had to force myself. I picked up my glasses and hooked them over my oversized ears. The first thing that hit me, as usual was my nose. It stuck out further than most, and was crooked like that of a witch you might see in a horror film. Then my mouth, that was ok, until I opened it. My teeth were crooked, even though I wore a brace, which didn’t exactly make my mouth look any nicer. Then my shoulders and my back, covered in little red spots like my face and neck, overwhelmed by flushed skin and horribly visible pores. My chest, out of all my body was probably what I liked most, although it still made me feel disappointed inside. I didn’t exactly have a big bust, but that was the way I liked it: not so small that they look like those of a boy, but not too big so that they wobble a lot when I run. Then my tummy, maybe the worst part (other than my face), looked plump and round. I couldn’t stand my tummy, sometimes I felt like Mr Wobbly off Noddy when I looked at it. And my legs: well, tree trunks, what else can I say? My feet weren’t any better, but I never liked feet anyway. I looked up again and saw the clock in the reflection. I had been standing there for at least ten minutes! It was getting late and I really needed to get ready for school.
About half an hour later, I slung my bag over my shoulder, stuffed a low fat biscuit into my mouth, took a deep breath and walked out of the front door with my shoulders back and my chin in the air.

Chapter 3 – The first days

I stepped from my drive onto the street, the first time I had done it for the past four months. I never thought taking a few steps could be so frightening. As I took that step, my heart seemed to skip a beat. I knew what would happen as I walked into school, or if one of the students caught me walking down the road, and I wasn’t sure if I could face it. But yes, it just happened to be my day.
I had walked only a few hundred metres when a voice bellowed from behind me, “Hey look who it is! It’s the one and only Fatty-Katty”. I tried to ignore it like mum said I should, and I did. Well, at least for a while. The culprit was a boy in my year in class H, he was just one of those who did things so he would fit in with the rest. Those kind of people always annoyed me; why did they want to be like everybody else? Why can’t they just be themselves regardless of what other people are like? Anyway, he continued to shout stupid insults at me for the next five minutes, until he got bored and tapered off down an alleyway that led to the back of the school. I tried to clear it out of my head and continued wandering down the street until I came to the main gates. As I approached, I stopped and looked around me, taking one last look at the outside world before I entered my soul into an eternity of bullying and torture, not to mention the workload. I looked straight ahead again, and walked straight into the next few years of my life.
To be honest, I don’t think I had ever known any group of people that size go silent all at the same time. As soon as I stepped foot into the courtyard, everybody around me stopped playing tig, or chattering with their friends. Some people whispered to each other, and everybody stared as I walked up the stairs through the main doors of Hilford Secondary School. The same happened inside. The corridors were filled with people, and as I walked, they fell silent and they moved out of the way as I walked towards them. I felt quite important, actually, like the queen or something. It was as if everybody had come to marvel at a great site, and they were amazed that it had come straight towards them. The first place I was headed was the Headmasters office. I knew, out of everybody in the school, he would be the one that could do the most for me and help me face anything that should come my way. Mr Catford was one of the nicest men I had ever met. I could never quite understand why he became a head teacher, I could see him more as a social worker or psychologist, trying to help people and do the best for them. I walked up to his office door, but was stopped in my tracks by the only person I really didn’t want to see: Mandy. Mandy was the most annoying person anybody could ever meet. For one, she had the face and body of a supermodel, but she had the worst personality and most disgusting sense of humour. Everything about her, apart from her looks was sickening. And she, out of everyone, was the person that hated me most.
“Going somewhere?” she sneered as she leant against Mr Catford’s door. “Oh, let me guess, you’re going to tell your best, and only, friend in the world all your little problems. Are you going to tell him to keep me away from you? Oh, no, I know what it is, you’re going to declare your undying love for him!” A group of girls roared in laughter behind her, but I just looked her in the eye, knocked on the door and walked in.
I guessed he had been waiting for me, as he was sitting back in his chair reading his notes, and there was a bowl of lemon sherbets on the table. He looked up at me over the top of glasses and signalled for me to sit down. He set the papers down on the table, removed the glasses from his nose and hung them around his neck. “So then, Katherine, how are you feeling today?” he asked what appeared to be a very concerned voice. “I’m, um, ok I suppose” I replied, “I’m just worried about how my life is going to be from now on. I’ve already had two people have a go at me today.”
“Hmm ok. Well just try to ignore them, ok? I know it wont be easy, and I know you may have had enough of ignoring people, but if you are going to carry on like you are, you need to be able to put them out of your mind. Now, I’ve got you a weekly slot with the school nurse, so if there is anything going on that you want to talk about, you can tell her.” I couldn’t really thank Mr Catford enough. To most people at the school he was just another teacher, but to me he was more like a friend. Sometimes he was even like the dad I had never had. “Ok, thank you Mr Catford. Can I tell you if anybody else gets to me?” “Of course you can! And who were the two people you mentioned before?” “That was a boy in H in my year, I don’t know his name, and the other was Mandy – as usual”. “Ok, ill look into it for you.” He smiled at me as I walked out the door back into the corridors of Hell’s Kingdom.
Who would be waiting for me but, yes, you guessed it: Mandy. She was about to say something when I said “Hello Mandy”. She stepped back, shocked. This was the first time I had ever said hello to her. Usually when I spoke to her it was “Go away”, or “leave me alone”. But now I was going to stand up to her. I wasn’t going to let her ruin my life anymore. It was time she knew she didn’t have power over me, and I wasn’t her toy that she could mess around with. She couldn’t do whatever she liked to me.
“How are you today? Happy to see me?” Suddenly I felt good about myself. I think it was just the look on her face that made me smile. I think the only time I had seen a face like that was when I had watched a horror movie. Her face went pale, her whole body tensed up, and her mouth fell half open. I was expecting her to come out with some witty reply, but she just flicked her hair, stuck her nose in the air and walked away, her friends following her like sheep to a shepherd.
After that, she didn’t talk to me for the rest of the week. She didn’t talk to me, she didn’t make eye contact with me, and she didn’t even whisper to her friends about me when I was around and cackle like she usually would. She just ignored me totally, pretended I was invisible. I liked it that way. But on Monday, she struck, and she struck big. I was just about to walk into the canteen to get my lunch, when two of her friends came up behind me and grabbed me. One grabbed my arms and put them behind my back, and the other got a firm hold of my hair and tugged it so my neck flung backwards. They dragged me into the nearest girls’ toilets, and there, sitting on the wooden surface where the sinks were, was Mandy, with another one of her stooges. As I was dragged in, with my eyes watering with the pain of my hair being yanked out of my head, she let out a roar of laughter. “Not so big now, are you Katty? Thought you had got away with talking to me like that, I suppose. No, no, you were stupid to think that. But then there’s no change there. Like slitting your wrists, I mean, what a stupid thing to do. Thought maybe you could get away from me that way. Pity you failed, really, isn’t it? We would both have been better off then” The 3 other girls giggled and looked at one another. “Well, now you have to live with it, don’t you? Yes, l-i-v-e. Not what you wanted is it? You wanted to die to get away from me. But you didn’t, so now, here I am. Do you like my new haircut? I spent over £80 on it!”
“Um, no, not really.” I said. I could feel the anger building up inside me. She had dragged me into the toilet by my hair and basically told me it was a pity I was still alive, and now she was talking about her hair, as if everything was all hunky-dory. “What did you say!” Her face went bright pink, and she leapt off the sink and walked right up to me so our noses were almost touching. I looked her in the eye and said, “No, I don’t think it suits you much” I wasn’t expecting what came next. She turned around, took one step forward, and without warning she swung back round and I felt her warm hand make contact with the side of my face with so much force that my head jerked sideways. I wasn’t going to take that. That was the last straw, this time she had gone too far. All of a sudden all of the anger in my body seemed to transfer to my fists like lightening, and before I knew what was happening I had wriggled out of the girls’ grasp and I was down on the floor, with Mandy underneath me, pounding her hard in the face. Her friends tried to pull me away but they were caught in the rebound of my fists as I thrust them forwards over and over again.
I don’t know how long I was there. Everything I did just seemed to happen, and I wasn’t thinking about anything else but paying her back for the past few years of misery she had put me through. I don’t think it lasted for long, and when it had finished I regretted it. By the time I had stopped my knuckles were red raw, and her face was covered in blood and large bruises. I got up off her, tears streaming from my eyes, looked down at her, amazed and confused about what I had just done, swivelled around and ran out of the door. I ran straight down the corridor, knocking a few people down as I flew past them, and flung myself through Mr Catford’s door without even thinking about knocking, collapsed on the chair in front of him, and took a deep breath.
He looked at me, astonished. His eyes were wide, and his mouth had dropped at the corners. “What on earth…?” he said, in a low, airy tone. “What’s happened, Kat?” “I’ve… I’ve done something… really terrible.” I replied breathlessly as I wiped the tears off my cheeks. “In the… toilets… Mandy… she dragged me in… and was… really horrible” “Wait, wait, calm down, Kat!” “Mrs Radel? Could you get Kat a glass of water please?” Mrs Radel was the deputy head, and she was just tidying a few papers up around the office. “Of course”, she replied. I felt a bit better after a drink, I had stopped crying and finally got my breath back before he asked me to continue. “Start from the beginning”. So I told him exactly what had happened, every little detail from me being grabbed from behind to me dashing into his office. “Is she still there? In the toilets?” He asked, concerned. “Um, I don’t know” At that, he got up, said, “Stay here”, and walked out at a brisk pace. I was waiting for about five minutes before he returned. The first thing he said, as soon as he walked through the door was “Oh dear, Kat, what have you got yourself into?” He leant back on the door and put his head in his hands. “If it as up to me, I would let you off with a warning, but I’m afraid something of this nature and severity has to be discussed with the governors, your parents, and maybe even the police. I’m sorry Katherine” I just leant back in the chair and closed my eyes. I wasn’t even quite sure what had just happened. Even though I had told Mr Catford exactly what went on, it still wasn’t clear in my own mind. 2Well, for now I’m going to send you home, and then… we’ll see what happens next.” He straightened up, turned around, opened the door and ushered me out.

Chapter 4 – The verdict

Later that evening I was lying on my bed in my room, staring up at the ceiling as usual. My TV was on, and I had an exercise book next to me that I was supposed to be working in. Then came a knock at the door. “Kat, darling will you get that for me?”, mum yelled from the bathroom. I hadn’t been able to tell mum about today, I was afraid of how she might react. Maybe I should have told her, so she didn’t hear it from anyone else first. But it looked like she was going to. I ran down the stairs and jumped the last two or three steps, skipped the rest of the way across the hall and opened the front door with a quick snap of my wrist. There on the doorstep was Mr Catford. “Oh, hello Kat, is your mum in?” “Yes, she’s just in the bathroom at the minute, would you like to come in?” As he stepped inside I could feel the cold almost radiating from him, as he bought the nights air inside with him. He rubbed his hands together as he felt the warmth of the house, and took off his coat. “Ill take that for you”, I said as I offered my hands to take his coat. He took a seat in the living room whilst I went into the kitchen and made him a cup of coffee, two full spoons of coffee granules with about half the glass filled with skimmed milk, and two sugars. Mum was just walking down the stairs as I walked back through the hall. “Who is it, dear/” she asked as she followed me into the next room. “Oh, Mr Catford, how nice to see you! How can I help you?” “I want to talk to you about Katherine. Do you mind if we could be alone for a while?” Mum turned her head to look at me, so I laid the cup on the table and stepped out again, closing the door behind me. I wasn’t leaving, though. I put my ear to the door and listened carefully. I couldn’t hear much, I think he knew I was listening so was deliberately talking quietly. I knew exactly what he was talking about, and I picked up a few odd words and phrases. “She got in a fight, the other girl was quite a mess.” “I’m going to a meeting tomorrow night with the governors and we’re going to discuss it then.” “I’ll try to put in a good word and do what I can to ensure she is dealt with fairly, considering what she’s been through.” The conversation lasted for over half an hour, mum asking questions and them being answered in detail, and vice-versa. I heard Mr Catford say “Well I best be off, then”, and I dashed upstairs and into my room. Then a voice called up the stairs “Good bye, Kat” “Bye!” I replied.
I heard the door being shut, and then footsteps coming up the stairs. Mum was coming up to my room. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know what she was going to say – or do. She walked in and sat down on my bed. “Sit up, Kat, and come closer to me”. I got up from lying down and perched myself next to her. She lifted her arm up and laid it across the back of my shoulders. “What are we going to do with you, Katty?” she said as she pulled me closer and squeezed me into her side. For the next hour me and mum sat there on my bed having a nice girly chat, and by the end we were both in tears. We talked about all the things that had gone wrong in both our lives, and she told me how she had put up with things and gave me advice on how to deal with them. Some of the things she said about her life were a great surprise to me, I could never imagine mum doing some of the things she talked about.
I didn’t go to school for the next few days, Mr Catford had suggested I stayed at home until things had been cleared up and until the gossip in school had died down a bit. One evening we got a phone call. I picked up the phone, and I wasn’t surprised to hear Mr Catford’s voice on the other end. “Oh hell Kat! Is your mother around?” he asked, sounding happy to hear me. “Yeah, hang on I’ll just get her for you.” I put the phone down on the table, and skipped into the kitchen. “Mum, Mr Catford’s on the phone for you.” “Oh how delightful!”. It was almost a yell, but not quite. She power-walked into the hall and picked up the receiver. This time I wasn’t going to listen, because I knew what he was telling her and I wanted to hear it properly, not only half of the conversation. A few minutes later mum put the phone down and walked into the kitchen, where I had made us both a cup of coffee and was sitting at the table waiting for her. She sat down opposite me and sipped her coffee. Then she looked up and said, “Do you want the good news or the bad news?” “Bad news first, please”. “Well,” she said, sighing, “The bad news is you have to have private lessons, and the good news is that you can go back on Monday”. I wasn’t totally sure what she meant. “‘Private lessons’?” I enquired. “Well you can go into school as normal, and have break and lunch and everything, but you will have to have a private lesson with whichever teacher is available. Oh, and there will always be a teacher keeping a close eye on you when you’re not in lessons. And you will have an anger and stress management session with the school nurse twice a week.” She gulped down the rest of her coffee, got up and walked upstairs without saying another word. I heard a thud from upstairs as she threw herself on her bed, and I started to hear quiet, soft sobbing noises coming from above me.

Chapter 5 - Back again

I opened the main double doors leading into the school, and as I stepped foot into the entrance hall, the response was not what I had expected. I thought that everybody would go silent, like before. Instead, everybody carried on as normal. They acted like they would if it had been anybody else. I got the odd glance, and a few disgusted looks, but nothing else. Then I saw Mandy. She was standing near the fountain surrounded by a group of giggling girls. Luckily she didn’t notice me, she was too busy gossiping with her friends. She still had some steri-strips across her eyebrow, and a bruise on her left cheek, but that was expected. I headed towards my locker at the other end of the school, and stopped at the fountain on the way past. I bent over and pursed my lips ready to catch the water, but just before I pulled down the lever a voice echoed down the corridor. “Hey, Kat!” I looked up and saw Bella running towards me. Bella was probably the best friend I had ever had. She had always been there for me when I was down, I could always talk to her about anything, and she was one of the only people that had come to visit me when I was in hospital. “Hey Bella! Why weren’t you at school last week? Are you alright?” “Yeah I’m fine now, I just caught a bad cold.” “At this time of year!” I replied, laughing. “It’s the middle of the summer! But you’re ok now?” “Yes thanks! I heard you got into a fight with Mandy, the cow. You alright?” It’s amazing how quickly things like that get around, she had only been back at school a few minutes and she already knew. “Yeah I’m ok, Mandy was a lot worse off. I wasn’t hurt much, but she’s still got bruises and stuff. What have we got first?” Then I remembered I had to have private lessons. I told her all about what had happened and why I wouldn’t see her in IT. We were talking for about 10 minutes before the bell went and we made our way to our form room for registration.
The day went ok, I was really glad I had seen Bella again; it had made me feel a lot happier. Me and Bella had been friends for a very long time, in fact for as long as I could remember. We had stuck with each other through thick and thin, no matter what. She was like my soul mate. We liked all the same music, all the same TV programmes, the same food and the same films, and the most important thing about our friendship was that we were always there for each other when we needed someone to talk to or pile our problems onto.
After that, me and Bella saw each other as much as we could around school. We didn’t have any classes together, so we arranged to meet on the field at the beginning of every lunch and break time, and we waited for each other at the gates in the morning. The strange thing was, we never ever ran out of things to talk about. Usually when you talk to somebody after a while you run out of things to say, the conversation tails of and you both sit there in silence, but we always seemed to be able to think of something to bring up. One morning we got talking about boys, which isn’t anything unusual for girls our age, but this was the first time I had talked about boys since I was in hospital. It was strange, getting back into the swing of things at school. I had missed a lot of it, and returning to normal wasn’t one of the easiest things in the world to do. Anyway, the subject came up when Bella told me about how she had watched Titanic for the sixteenth time last night, and how she thought Leonardo Dicaprio was the best thing since sliced bread. And, of course, we started talking about boys at school, and who was “hot or not”, and it all came down, strangely enough, to the same boy. He was in F, but he wasn’t very popular. Strange that me and Bella should like the same boy, even though he was a loner, but we both thought he was really good looking, aside from the fact he was very strange. He was that kind of person that had all the looks, but when you got talking to him he had a few insane tendencies, like doing impressions or making breaking-wind-noises with his mouth, which, for most girls really isn’t a turn-on. Me and Bella, however, really liked him, and we thought we could try and hook up with him one time. A lot of girls might take the mick out of us for it, but we weren’t worried about street-cred, for the simple reason we didn’t have any in the first place so we had nothing to lose! We sat there all morning talking about him – quite sad really, but great fun. Ok, so that was final, one of us was going to try and get a date with him, but how?

Chapter 6 – The Disco

Perfect, the school disco was on soon; all I had to do was ask Richie if he wanted to go with me. That was the hard bit. I had never asked a boy to a disco, or to lunch, or anything really. I sat at home in front of the next day, talking to it, rehearsing what I was going to say.
“Hey Richie!” I shout as I see him walking down the corridor. I catch up with him and “Did you know the disco is on Saturday night? I was wondering… do you want to come with me, that is, if you aren’t already going with someone?” I tried about six different lines before I got it right.
At school the next day, I saw him walking across the field with his shoulders hunched over and his bag hanging low off his back. I ran over to him and called to him like I had rehearsed, I caught up with him and put my hand on his shoulder, but as he turned round I immediately noticed he had been crying. His eyes and cheeks were red and he was still frowning. “Richie! What’s wrong?” I asked sympathetically as I hugged him. “The… the… him. That boy, the one with the gelled hair who walks around with all the cool people. He… he said stuff about me. I had a go at him and… he hit me.” Richie turned his face to show me the bruise on his left cheek. “Well, that was quite a smack, wasn’t it?” I said, jokingly. He pushed me off him and looked away. “Hey, hey I was joking, come back!” I tugged him and asked him if he wanted to talk, so we ended up sitting on a bench pouring our hearts out to each other. “Hey, um, I have an idea… you know the…” He interrupted me “Do you want to go to the disco with me?” I was so shocked! I never thought anybody would ask me to go to the disco with them. I was so pleased I almost kissed him, but I thought he might get a bit freaked out and change his mind.
The night of the disco came, and I was really excited – more excited than I had been in a very long time. The disco started at six o’clock, it was four o’clock and I still hadn’t started getting ready. I was running about helping mum do some jobs, like putting washing in the washing machine, when I suddenly looked at the clock.
“Mum, I have to go and start getting ready! The disco starts in two hours!” I yelled from the kitchen “Oh for goodness sake, dear, it’s only four o’clock! You don’t need two hours!” I just ignored her and ran upstairs with the phone, ready to call Bella. I rang her up and asked her to come around to help me get ready, I needed her to help with my hair, help me choose what to wear, make sure my mascara wasn’t smudged and various other little things that would just finish off my looks, making me perfect for a date. When she got there, I ran downstairs so fast and so excitedly I almost tripped on the first step and fell all the way, but managed to regain my balance just in time. I skidded to a halt at the door and opened it, almost smashing it into the wall. “Hey Bella!” I yelled as I flung my arms around her. “Let’s go upstairs and you can help me choose my clothes!” We walked upstairs, madly gossiping as usual, and entered my room. It took us about forty five minutes to choose what to wear and do my makeup, about forty five minutes doing my hair and about fifteen minutes deciding what shoes to wear, which left about another ten minutes to get to school.
We got to school just after six, and, not surprisingly, Richie hadn’t arrived yet – no doubt he was being “fashionably late”. Me and Bella made our way over to the refreshments table to get a drink and a few crisps, and then sat down on the chairs lined down the side of the main hall. We waited for at least ten minutes before he poked his head round the main doors. “Hey, Richie!” I shouted. The noise in the hall was far too loud for him to hear me, so I ended up running down the hall with my high heel shoes making a clacking sound as I approached him. “Richie, there you are! You took your time getting here!” I finally reached him and he swivelled round to look at me. Suddenly I noticed that he was totally soaking wet. “What on earth happened to you?” I said, looking him up and down. “The car broke down half way here, so I ended up walking the rest of the way. It’s flippin’ chuckin’ it down out there! Can we go and sit down somewhere nice and warm so I can dry off?” We went and perched on a bench as near to the heater as we could get, and starting having a conversation about the weather, which, I thought was a strange thing to talk about, but under the circumstances it was also quite appropriate. We sat for about half an hour just chatting away about various things, I cant remember what exactly, but it was really fun just sitting there having a chat. After that, he sat back and stretched his arms out, then stood up, stretched his legs and put his hand on mine. “May I ask you for this dance, Ma’am?” he asked politely, with a cheeky, boysish grin, as he gently lifted my hand. I stood up with him as he did so, and we walked into the middle of the hall, hand in hand. He timed it just right, because just as we got onto the dance floor, the first slow dance of the night began to play. We started off just swaying from side to side, but after a few seconds he gently put his arm around my shoulder, and then the other, and within no time at all we were dancing together, his arms round my shoulders and my arms around his waist. After that we sat down for every song that wasn’t a slow one and talked, occasionally checking on Bella to check she was ok and having a good time, and as usual she was flirting with all the other boys. The night seemed to go pretty quickly, and we danced together at every slow tune. It was about five minutes before the end, and the DJ had put on one last slow song, for, he said “All you boyfriends and girlfriends out there”. As we danced, we seemed to get closer and closer, until our hips were touching and we had our heads on each other’s shoulders. It was almost the end of the song when he lifted his head off my shoulder, looked me in the eye, and moved closer until his lips were touching mine. I think we kissed for the rest of the song, and I could see Bella out of the corner of my eye jumping up and down, smiling and clapping her hands. After the disco, me and Richie walked out of the hall together holding hands. We got outside and luckily it had stopped raining, but there was still that awful damp smell hanging in the air. “So, did you have a good time tonight?” Richie asked as we got to the bottom of the steps leading up to the school. “It was amazing! It was probably the best night of my life!”, I replied, wrapping my arms around him. I felt his breath on my neck, and then he whispered in my ear, “Me too, it was a great night. I think I love you” Then I felt his warm lips on my neck as he kissed me. I carefully pushed him back very slightly, making sure I didn’t make him think I didn’t want him too, so I could kiss him on the lips. That kiss was probably the best of the whole night, because I knew it would be a couple of days before I saw him again, and it really meant something to me. As he walked away, we linked little fingers, like we weren’t going to see each other again for a long time and didn’t want to let go. I watched him walk round the corner, and then started making my way to the car park where my mum would be waiting for me. I almost jumped out of my skin when Bella came up behind me and put her hand on my shoulder to turn me round. “Oh my God Kat! Nice one! You pulled!” she laughed. I smiled at her and said “To be honest, Bella, I think I did more than pulled. I think I fell in love.”

Monday

I got into school on Monday and as soon as I walked through the gate Bella came running up to me and gave me the biggest hug in history. “Easy tiger. Grrr,” I said jokingly as I returned the hug. “Is Richie here yet?”. She rolled her eyes and said “How did I know you were going to ask that! Um, no, I haven’t seen him. I’m guessing you two are…” She giggled a little, and coughed sarcastically, “An ‘item’ now?” I looked at her and raised my eyebrow, “Well done! First prize for intelligence,” I joked as a patted her on the back and walked into school.
Hi ya Asher Francis, my thoughts are that you have a talent for writing personal interaction sequences. Your people and place spacial concepts are very developed meaning I can feel myself in "place" when you are interacting with another person. Tell me about chapter one though. A cutter usually is either trying to create more pain internally than they are feeling externally in their life, or, they are seriously trying to end their life in a desperate manner through the means of severing a vein or artery to let blood flow so exactly that their life will drain out of them. I don't know from chapter one where the main character falls. I think you should develop this chapter some more. It is in fact your openning sequence!! Good work I think so far, keep at it!
Right, if anybody is interested, i have now written around 12,400 words altogether. I would appreciate it if you would read the continuation of my story and give me any feedback, whether it be positive or just CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. Thanks!

Tired of being me

Chapter 1 – Dreams come true

I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth as I felt the sharp blade of the knife cut through my skin. I could hear it slide through the flesh as I pulled it towards me. I felt the pain sear down my arm, as I drew the knife away and opened my eyes. I put the knife to my skin again, and pierced it once more, trying to take the pain. I opened my eyes, hoping it was just another dream, one of the many dreams I had had of doing it. Waking up to the sound of my teachers voice in class, telling me to pay attention, or waking up in the night in a cold sweat. But no, this was not a dream. This time I was really doing it. It had gone too far. I didn’t want to live any more, and this was how I was going to end it. All the lies, the teasing, the being me. It was all going to end. Right here. Right now. I drew the blade through my arm one more time, lay back on my bed and closed my eyes.
I awoke in hospital the next morning. But no. I wasn’t supposed to be here. I didn’t want to be here, I was meant to be dead. What had gone wrong? Why hadn’t I awoken in heaven?
My eyes were blurry after being closed for a long time, but I could make out the outline of a nurse towering over me. I opened my mouth to talk, but the nurse had already left. “Doctor, she’s awake”, I heard her say. Then another figure appeared, and as things became clearer I could see he was a tall man with a muscular, but wrinkled face. He spoke to me in a soft voice, “How are you feeling? Do you feel sick? Faint? Drowsy?” I didn’t want to talk back. I didn’t feel like it, I was too disappointed. “Hmm”, he mumbled, “Well then, maybe you should get some more rest. Just say if you need anything”. So I closed my eyes and relaxed again, with his face still in my mind. Then I suddenly became aware of the numb feeling in my right arm. I looked down at it weakly, and saw the white bandage wrapped around it, stained with dry blood. I stared at it for a while, but it wasn’t long before I had drifted back off to sleep. As I slept, I could hear the voices all around me again. I could hear the other children in the playground throwing abuse at me; I could see Mandy’s face in an art lesson, sneering at me as she whispered to her friends. And again I saw myself in the mirror, looking at my round, mutilated body and the tears streaming down my chubby cheeks. Then I remembered the real reason I wanted to die: I hated myself, and I hated being me.

Chapter 2

I opened my eyes and stared up at my ceiling. As I stared, I started to make pictures out of the patterns that were there. I often did that; it was something to pass the time and a good way to clear my mind. The only problem was, this time all I could make out was gravestones, tear drops, sad faces and anything else associated with gloom and doom. This was my first day back at school after I had been in hospital – and I wasn’t looking forward to it. In some ways, I wish I had never cut my wrists, like the stick I was going to get when I returned to school, all the names; “Weirdo”, “Twisted little girl”, “Freakazoid”. I thought maybe doing it would make life easier, but I realise now that it is just another thing that people can use against me. Along with my glasses, my height and everything else, I had gone and given them something else to tease me about.
I climbed out of bed, walked over to my wardrobe and looked in the mirror – well, tried to. I took a glimpse and had to turn away instantly. I couldn’t stand to look at myself, not for even one moment. But I had to force myself. I picked up my glasses and hooked them over my oversized ears. The first thing that hit me, as usual was my nose. It stuck out further than most, and was crooked like that of a witch you might see in a horror film. Then my mouth, that was ok, until I opened it. My teeth were crooked, even though I wore a brace, which didn’t exactly make my mouth look any nicer. Then my shoulders and my back, covered in little red spots like my face and neck, overwhelmed by flushed skin and horribly visible pores. My chest, out of all my body was probably what I liked most, although it still made me feel disappointed inside. I didn’t exactly have a big bust, but that was the way I liked it: not so small that they look like those of a boy, but not too big so that they wobble a lot when I run. Then my tummy, maybe the worst part (other than my face), looked plump and round. I couldn’t stand my tummy, sometimes I felt like Mr Wobbly off Noddy when I looked at it. And my legs: well, tree trunks, what else can I say? My feet weren’t any better, but I never liked feet anyway. I looked up again and saw the clock in the reflection. I had been standing there for at least ten minutes! It was getting late and I really needed to get ready for school.
About half an hour later, I slung my bag over my shoulder, stuffed a low fat biscuit into my mouth, took a deep breath and walked out of the front door with my shoulders back and my chin in the air.

Chapter 3 – The first days

I stepped from my drive onto the street, the first time I had done it for the past four months. I never thought taking a few steps could be so frightening. As I took that step, my heart seemed to skip a beat. I knew what would happen as I walked into school, or if one of the students caught me walking down the road, and I wasn’t sure if I could face it. But yes, it just happened to be my day.
I had walked only a few hundred metres when a voice bellowed from behind me, “Hey look who it is! It’s the one and only Fatty-Katty”. I tried to ignore it like mum said I should, and I did. Well, at least for a while. The culprit was a boy in my year in class H, he was just one of those who did things so he would fit in with the rest. Those kind of people always annoyed me; why did they want to be like everybody else? Why can’t they just be themselves regardless of what other people are like? Anyway, he continued to shout stupid insults at me for the next five minutes, until he got bored and tapered off down an alleyway that led to the back of the school. I tried to clear it out of my head and continued wandering down the street until I came to the main gates. As I approached, I stopped and looked around me, taking one last look at the outside world before I entered my soul into an eternity of bullying and torture, not to mention the workload. I looked straight ahead again, and walked straight into the next few years of my life.
To be honest, I don’t think I had ever known any group of people that size go silent all at the same time. As soon as I stepped foot into the courtyard, everybody around me stopped playing tig or chattering with their friends or whatever people usually do on a school morning. Some people whispered to each other, and everybody stared as I walked up the stairs through the main doors of Hilford Secondary School. The same happened inside. The corridors were filled with people, and as I walked, they fell silent and they moved out of the way as I walked towards them. I felt quite important, actually, like the queen or something. It was as if everybody had come to marvel at a great site, and they were amazed that it had come straight towards them. The first place I was headed was the Headmasters office. I knew, out of everybody in the school, he would be the one that could do the most for me and help me face anything that should come my way. Mr Catford was one of the nicest men I had ever met. I could never quite understand why he became a head teacher, I could see him more as a social worker or psychologist, trying to help people and do the best for them. I walked up to his office door, but was stopped in my tracks by the only person I really didn’t want to see: Mandy. Mandy was the most annoying person anybody could ever meet. For one, she had the face and body of a supermodel, but she had the worst personality and most disgusting sense of humour. She had long, blonde flowing hair, usually in plaited ponytails. She had a perfectly shaped nose, mouth, and ears, and her eyes were like diamonds. He body was a perfect shape, and she had the skinniest legs anyone has ever seen. Other than her looks, everything about her was sickening. And she, out of everyone, was the person that hated me most.
“Going somewhere?” she sneered as she leant against Mr Catford’s door. “Oh, let me guess, you’re going to tell your best, and only, friend in the world all your little problems. Are you going to tell him to keep me away from you? Oh, no, I know what it is, you’re going to declare your undying love for him!” A group of girls roared in laughter behind her, but I just looked her in the eye, knocked on the door and walked in.
I guessed he had been waiting for me, as he was sitting back in his chair reading his notes, and there was a bowl of lemon sherbets on the table. He looked up at me over the top of glasses and signalled for me to sit down. He set the papers down on the table, removed the glasses from his nose and hung them around his neck. “So then, Katherine, how are you feeling today?” he asked what appeared to be a very concerned voice. “I’m, um, ok I suppose” I replied, “I’m just worried about how my life is going to be from now on. I’ve already had two people have a go at me today.”
“Hmm ok. Well just try to ignore them, ok? I know it wont be easy, and I know you may have had enough of ignoring people, but if you are going to carry on like you are, you need to be able to put them out of your mind. Now, I’ve got you a weekly slot with the school nurse, so if there is anything going on that you want to talk about, you can tell her.” I couldn’t really thank Mr Catford enough. To most people at the school he was just another teacher, but to me he was more like a friend. Sometimes he was even like the dad I had never had. “Ok, thank you Mr Catford. Can I tell you if anybody else gets to me?” “Of course you can! And who were the two people you mentioned before?” “That was a boy in H in my year, I don’t know his name, and the other was Mandy – as usual”. “Ok, ill look into it for you.” He smiled at me as I walked out the door back into the corridors of Hell’s Kingdom.
Who would be waiting for me but, yes, you guessed it: Mandy. She was about to say something when I said “Hello Mandy”. She stepped back, shocked. This was the first time I had ever said hello to her. Usually when I spoke to her it was “Go away”, or “leave me alone”. But now I was going to stand up to her. I wasn’t going to let her ruin my life anymore. It was time she knew she didn’t have power over me, and I wasn’t her toy that she could mess around with. She couldn’t do whatever she liked to me.
“How are you today? Happy to see me?” Suddenly I felt good about myself. I think it was just the look on her face that made me smile. I think the only time I had seen a face like that was when I had watched a horror movie. Her face went pale, her whole body tensed up, and her mouth fell half open. I was expecting her to come out with some witty reply, but she just flicked her hair, stuck her nose in the air and walked away, her friends following her like sheep to a shepherd.
After that, she didn’t talk to me for the rest of the week. She didn’t talk to me, she didn’t make eye contact with me, and she didn’t even whisper to her friends about me when I was around and cackle like she usually would. She just ignored me totally, pretended I was invisible. I liked it that way. But on Monday, she struck, and she struck big. I was just about to walk into the canteen to get my lunch, when two of her friends came up behind me and grabbed me. One grabbed my arms and put them behind my back, and the other got a firm hold of my hair and tugged it so my neck flung backwards. They dragged me into the nearest girls’ toilets, and there, sitting on the wooden surface where the sinks were, was Mandy, with another one of her stooges. As I was dragged in, with my eyes watering with the pain of my hair being yanked out of my head, she let out a roar of laughter. “Not so big now, are you Katty? Thought you had got away with talking to me like that, I suppose. No, no, you were stupid to think that. But then there’s no change there. Like slitting your wrists, I mean, what a stupid thing to do. Thought maybe you could get away from me that way. Pity you failed, really, isn’t it? We would both have been better off then” The 3 other girls giggled and looked at one another. “Well, now you have to live with it, don’t you? Yes, l-i-v-e. Not what you wanted is it? You wanted to die to get away from me. But you didn’t, so now, here I am. Do you like my new haircut? I spent over £80 on it!”
“Um, no, not really.” I said. I could feel the anger building up inside me. She had dragged me into the toilet by my hair and basically told me it was a pity I was still alive, and now she was talking about her hair, as if everything was all hunky-dory. “What did you say!”? Her face went bright pink, and she leapt off the sink and walked right up to me so our noses were almost touching. I looked her in the eye and said, “No, I don’t think it suits you much” I wasn’t expecting what came next. She turned around, took one step forward, and without warning she swung back round and I felt her warm hand make contact with the side of my face with so much force that my head jerked sideways. I wasn’t going to take that. That was the last straw, this time she had gone too far. All of a sudden all of the anger in my body seemed to transfer to my fists like lightening, and before I knew what was happening I had wriggled out of the girls’ grasp and I was down on the floor, with Mandy underneath me, pounding her hard in the face. Her friends tried to pull me away but they were caught in the rebound of my fists as I thrust them forwards over and over again.
I don’t know how long I was there. Everything I did just seemed to happen, and I wasn’t thinking about anything else but paying her back for the past few years of misery she had put me through. I don’t think it lasted for long, and when it had finished I regretted it. By the time I had stopped my knuckles were red raw, and her face was covered in blood and large bruises. I got up off her, tears streaming from my eyes, looked down at her, amazed and confused about what I had just done, swivelled around and ran out of the door. I ran straight down the corridor, knocking a few people down as I flew past them, and flung myself through Mr Catford’s door without even thinking about knocking, collapsed on the chair in front of him, and took a deep breath.
He looked at me, astonished. His eyes were wide, and his mouth had dropped at the corners. “What on earth…?” he said, in a low, airy tone. “What’s happened, Kat?” “I’ve… I’ve done something… really terrible.” I replied breathlessly as I wiped the tears off my cheeks. “In the… toilets… Mandy… she dragged me in… and was… really horrible” “Wait, wait, calm down, Kat!” “Mrs Radel? Could you get Kat a glass of water please?” Mrs Radel was the deputy head, and she was just tidying a few papers up around the office. “Of course”, she replied. I felt a bit better after a drink; I had stopped crying and finally got my breath back before he asked me to continue. “Start from the beginning”. So I told him exactly what had happened, every little detail from me being grabbed from behind to me dashing into his office. “Is she still there? In the toilets?” He asked, concerned. “Um, I don’t know” At that, he got up, said, “Stay here”, and walked out at a brisk pace. I was waiting for about five minutes before he returned. The first thing he said, as soon as he walked through the door was “Oh dear, Kat, what have you got yourself into?” He leant back on the door and put his head in his hands. “If it as up to me, I would let you off with a warning, but I’m afraid something of this nature and severity has to be discussed with the governors, your parents, and maybe even the police. I’m sorry Katherine” I just leant back in the chair and closed my eyes. I wasn’t even quite sure what had just happened. Even though I had told Mr Catford exactly what went on, it still wasn’t clear in my own mind. 2Well, for now I’m going to send you home, and then… we’ll see what happens next.” He straightened up, turned around, opened the door and ushered me out.

Chapter 4 – The verdict

Later that evening I was lying on my bed in my room, staring up at the ceiling as usual. My TV was on, and I had an exercise book next to me that I was supposed to be working in. Then came a knock at the door. “Kat, darling will you get that for me?”, mum yelled from the bathroom. I hadn’t been able to tell mum about today, I was afraid of how she might react. Maybe I should have told her, so she didn’t hear it from anyone else first. But it looked like she was going to. I ran down the stairs and jumped the last two or three steps, skipped the rest of the way across the hall and opened the front door with a quick snap of my wrist. There on the doorstep was Mr Catford. “Oh, hello Kat, is your mum in?” “Yes, she’s just in the bathroom at the minute, would you like to come in?” As he stepped inside I could feel the cold almost radiating from him, as he bought the nights air inside with him. He rubbed his hands together as he felt the warmth of the house, and took off his coat. “Ill take that for you”, I said as I offered my hands to take his coat. He took a seat in the living room whilst I went into the kitchen and made him a cup of coffee, two full spoons of coffee granules with about half the glass filled with skimmed milk, and two sugars. Mum was just walking down the stairs as I walked back through the hall. “Who is it, dear?” she asked as she followed me into the next room. “Oh, Mr Catford, how nice to see you! How can I help you?” “I want to talk to you about Katherine. Do you mind if we could be alone for a while?” Mum turned her head to look at me, so I laid the cup on the table and stepped out again, closing the door behind me. I wasn’t leaving, though. I put my ear to the door and listened carefully. I couldn’t hear much, I think he knew I was listening so was deliberately talking quietly. I knew exactly what he was talking about, and I picked up a few odd words and phrases. “She got in a fight, the other girl was quite a mess.” “I’m going to a meeting tomorrow night with the governors and we’re going to discuss it then.” “I’ll try to put in a good word and do what I can to ensure she is dealt with fairly, considering what she’s been through.” The conversation lasted for over half an hour, mum asking questions and them being answered in detail, and vice-versa. I heard Mr Catford say “Well I best be off, then”, and I dashed upstairs and into my room. Then a voice called up the stairs “Good bye, Kat” “Bye!” I replied.
I heard the door being shut, and then footsteps coming up the stairs. Mum was coming up to my room. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know what she was going to say – or do. She walked in and sat down on my bed. “Sit up, Kat, and come closer to me”. I got up from lying down and perched myself next to her. She lifted her arm up and laid it across the back of my shoulders. “What are we going to do with you, Katty?” she said as she pulled me closer and squeezed me into her side. For the next hour mum and me sat there on my bed having a nice girly chat, and by the end we were both in tears. We talked about all the things that had gone wrong in both our lives, and she told me how she had put up with things and gave me advice on how to deal with them. Some of the things she said about her life were a great surprise to me, I could never imagine mum doing some of the things she talked about.
I didn’t go to school for the next few days, Mr Catford had suggested I stayed at home until things had been cleared up and until the gossip in school had died down a bit. One evening we got a phone call. I picked up the phone, and I wasn’t surprised to hear Mr Catford’s voice on the other end. “Oh hello Kat! Is your mother around?” he asked, sounding happy to hear me. “Yeah, hang on I’ll just get her for you.” I put the phone down on the table, and skipped into the kitchen. “Mum, Mr Catford’s on the phone for you.” “Oh how delightful!”. It was almost a yell, but not quite. She power-walked into the hall and picked up the receiver. This time I wasn’t going to listen, because I knew what he was telling her and I wanted to hear it properly, not only half of the conversation. A few minutes later mum put the phone down and walked into the kitchen, where I had made us both a cup of coffee and was sitting at the table waiting for her. She sat down opposite me and sipped her coffee. Then she looked up and said, “Do you want the good news or the bad news?” “Bad news first, please”. “Well,” she said, sighing, “The bad news is you have to have private lessons, and the good news is that you can go back on Monday”. I wasn’t totally sure what she meant. “‘Private lessons’?” I enquired. “Well you can go into school as normal, and have break and lunch and everything, but you will have to have a private lesson with whichever teacher is available. Oh, and there will always be a teacher keeping a close eye on you when you’re not in lessons. And you will have an anger and stress management session with the school nurse twice a week.” She gulped down the rest of her coffee, got up and walked upstairs without saying another word. I heard a thud from upstairs as she threw herself on her bed, and I started to hear quiet, soft sobbing noises coming from above me.

Chapter 5 - Back again

I opened the main double doors leading into the school, and as I stepped foot into the entrance hall, the response was not what I had expected. I thought that everybody would go silent, like before. Instead, everybody carried on as normal. They acted like they would if it had been anybody else. I got the odd glance, and a few disgusted looks, but nothing else. Then I saw Mandy. She was standing near the fountain surrounded by a group of giggling girls. Luckily she didn’t notice me, she was too busy gossiping with her friends. She still had some steri-strips across her eyebrow, and a bruise on her left cheek, but that was expected. I headed towards my locker at the other end of the school, and stopped at the fountain on the way past. I bent over and pursed my lips ready to catch the water, but just before I pulled down the lever a voice echoed down the corridor. “Hey, Kat!” I looked up and saw Bella running towards me. Bella was probably the best friend I had ever had. She had always been there for me when I was down, I could always talk to her about anything, and she was one of the only people that had come to visit me when I was in hospital. “Hey Bella! Why weren’t you at school last week? Are you alright?” “Yeah I’m fine now, I just caught a bad cold.” “At this time of year!” I replied, laughing. “It’s the middle of the summer! But you’re ok now?” “Yes thanks! I heard you got into a fight with Mandy, the cow. You alright?” It’s amazing how quickly things like that get around, she had only been back at school a few minutes and she already knew. “Yeah I’m ok, Mandy was a lot worse off. I wasn’t hurt much, but she’s still got bruises and stuff. What have we got first?” Then I remembered I had to have private lessons. I told her all about what had happened and why I wouldn’t see her in IT. We were talking for about 10 minutes before the bell went and we made our way to our form room for registration.
The day went ok, I was really glad I had seen Bella again; it had made me feel a lot happier. Bella and me had been friends for a very long time, in fact for as long as I could remember. We had stuck with each other through thick and thin, no matter what. She was like my soul mate. We liked all the same music, all the same TV programmes, the same food and the same films, and the most important thing about our friendship was that we were always there for each other when we needed someone to talk to or pile our problems onto.
After that, Bella and me saw each other as much as we could around school. We didn’t have any classes together, so we arranged to meet on the field at the beginning of every lunch and break time, and we waited for each other at the gates in the morning. The strange thing was, we never ever ran out of things to talk about. Usually when you talk to somebody after a while you run out of things to say, the conversation tails of and you both sit there in silence, but we always seemed to be able to think of something to bring up. One morning we got talking about boys, which isn’t anything unusual for girls our age, but this was the first time I had talked about boys since I was in hospital. It was strange, getting back into the swing of things at school. I had missed a lot of it, and returning to normal wasn’t one of the easiest things in the world to do. Anyway, the subject came up when Bella told me about how she had watched Titanic for the sixteenth time last night, and how she thought Leonardo Dicaprio was the best thing since sliced bread. And, of course, we started talking about boys at school, and who was “hot or not”, and it all came down, strangely enough, to the same boy. He was in F, but he wasn’t very popular. Strange that Bella and me should like the same boy, even though he was a loner, but we both thought he was really good looking, aside from the fact he was very strange. He was that kind of person that had all the looks, but when you got talking to him he had a few insane tendencies, like doing impressions or making breaking-wind-noises with his mouth, which, for most girls really isn’t a turn-on. Bella, and me however, really liked him, and we thought we could try and hook up with him one time. A lot of girls might take the mick out of us for it, but we weren’t worried about street-cred, for the simple reason we didn’t have any in the first place so we had nothing to lose! We sat there all morning talking about him – quite sad really, but great fun. Ok, so that was final, one of us was going to try and get a date with him, but how?

Chapter 6 – The Disco

Perfect, the school disco was on soon; all I had to do was ask Richie if he wanted to go with me. That was the hard bit. I had never asked a boy to a disco, or to lunch, or anything really. I sat at home in front of the next day, talking to it, rehearsing what I was going to say.
“Hey Richie!” I shout as I see him walking down the corridor. I catch up with him and “Did you know the disco is on Saturday night? I was wondering… do you want to come with me, that is, if you aren’t already going with someone?” I tried about six different lines before I got it right.
At school the next day, I saw him walking across the field with his shoulders hunched over and his bag hanging low off his back. I ran over to him and called to him like I had rehearsed, I caught up with him and put my hand on his shoulder, but as he turned round I immediately noticed he had been crying. His eyes and cheeks were red and he was still frowning. “Richie! What’s wrong?” I asked sympathetically as I hugged him. “The… the… him. That boy, the one with the gelled hair who walks around with all the cool people. He… he said stuff about me. I had a go at him and… he hit me.” Richie turned his face to show me the bruise on his left cheek. “Well, that was quite a smack, wasn’t it?” I said, jokingly. He pushed me off him and looked away. “Hey, hey I was joking, come back!” I tugged him and asked him if he wanted to talk, so we ended up sitting on a bench pouring our hearts out to each other. “Hey, um, I have an idea… you know the…” He interrupted me “Do you want to go to the disco with me?” I was so shocked! I never thought anybody would ask me to go to the disco with them. I was so pleased I almost kissed him, but I thought he might get a bit freaked out and change his mind.
The night of the disco came, and I was really excited – more excited than I had been in a very long time. The disco started at six o’clock, it was four o’clock and I still hadn’t started getting ready. I was running about helping mum do some jobs, like putting washing in the washing machine, when I suddenly looked at the clock.
“Mum, I have to go and start getting ready! The disco starts in two hours!” I yelled from the kitchen “Oh for goodness sake, dear, it’s only four o’clock! You don’t need two hours!” I just ignored her and ran upstairs with the phone, ready to call Bella. I rang her up and asked her to come around to help me get ready, I needed her to help with my hair, help me choose what to wear, make sure my mascara wasn’t smudged and various other little things that would just finish off my looks, making me perfect for a date. When she got there, I ran downstairs so fast and so excitedly I almost tripped on the first step and fell all the way, but managed to regain my balance just in time. I skidded to a halt at the door and opened it, almost smashing it into the wall. “Hey Bella!” I yelled as I flung my arms around her. “Let’s go upstairs and you can help me choose my clothes!” We walked upstairs, madly gossiping as usual, and entered my room. It took us about forty five minutes to choose what to wear and do my makeup, about forty five minutes doing my hair and about fifteen minutes deciding what shoes to wear, which left about another ten minutes to get to school.
We got to school just after six, and, not surprisingly, Richie hadn’t arrived yet – no doubt he was being “fashionably late”. Me and Bella made our way over to the refreshments table to get a drink and a few crisps, and then sat down on the chairs lined down the side of the main hall. We waited for at least ten minutes before he poked his head round the main doors. “Hey, Richie!” I shouted. The noise in the hall was far too loud for him to hear me, so I ended up running down the hall with my high heel shoes making a clacking sound as I approached him. “Richie, there you are! You took your time getting here!” I finally reached him and he swivelled round to look at me. Suddenly I noticed that he was totally soaking wet. “What on earth happened to you?” I said, looking him up and down. “The car broke down half way here, so I ended up walking the rest of the way. It’s flippin’ chuckin’ it down out there! Can we go and sit down somewhere nice and warm so I can dry off?” We went and perched on a bench as near to the heater as we could get, and starting having a conversation about the weather, which, I thought was a strange thing to talk about, but under the circumstances it was also quite appropriate. We sat for about half an hour just chatting away about various things, I cant remember what exactly, but it was really fun just sitting there having a chat. After that, he sat back and stretched his arms out, then stood up, stretched his legs and put his hand on mine. “May I ask you for this dance, Ma’am?” he asked politely, with a cheeky, boysish grin, as he gently lifted my hand. I stood up with him as he did so, and we walked into the middle of the hall, hand in hand. He timed it just right, because just as we got onto the dance floor, the first slow dance of the night began to play. We started off just swaying from side to side, but after a few seconds he gently put his arm around my shoulder, and then the other, and within no time at all we were dancing together, his arms round my shoulders and my arms around his waist. After that we sat down for every song that wasn’t a slow one and talked, occasionally checking on Bella to check she was ok and having a good time, and as usual she was flirting with all the other boys. The night seemed to go pretty quickly, and we danced together at every slow tune. It was about five minutes before the end, and the DJ had put on one last slow song, for, he said “All you boyfriends and girlfriends out there”. As we danced, we seemed to get closer and closer, until our hips were touching and we had our heads on each other’s shoulders. It was almost the end of the song when he lifted his head off my shoulder, looked me in the eye, and moved closer until his lips were touching mine. I think we kissed for the rest of the song, and I could see Bella out of the corner of my eye jumping up and down, smiling and clapping her hands. After the disco, me and Richie walked out of the hall together holding hands. We got outside and luckily it had stopped raining, but there was still that awful damp smell hanging in the air. “So, did you have a good time tonight?” Richie asked as we got to the bottom of the steps leading up to the school. “It was amazing! It was probably the best night of my life!”, I replied, wrapping my arms around him. I felt his breath on my neck, and then he whispered in my ear, “Me too, it was a great night. I think I love you” Then I felt his warm lips on my neck as he kissed me. I carefully pushed him back very slightly, making sure I didn’t make him think I didn’t want him too, so I could kiss him on the lips. That kiss was probably the best of the whole night, because I knew it would be a couple of days before I saw him again, and it really meant something to me. As he walked away, we linked little fingers, like we weren’t going to see each other again for a long time and didn’t want to let go. I watched him walk round the corner, and then started making my way to the car park where my mum would be waiting for me. I almost jumped out of my skin when Bella came up behind me and put her hand on my shoulder to turn me round. “Oh my God Kat! Nice one! You pulled!” she laughed. I smiled at her and said “To be honest, Bella, I think I did more than pulled. I think I fell in love.”

Chapter 7 - Monday

I got into school on Monday and as soon as I walked through the gate Bella came running up to me and gave me the biggest hug in history. “Easy tiger. Grrr,” I said jokingly as I returned the hug. “Is Richie here yet?”. She rolled her eyes and said, “How did I know you were going to ask that! Um, no, I haven’t seen him. I’m guessing you two are…” She giggled a little, and coughed sarcastically, “An ‘item’ now?” I looked at her and raised my eyebrow, “Well done! First prize for intelligence,” I joked as a patted her on the back and walked into school.
My first lesson that day was History, which was pretty good as Richie was in the same group as me. We had set seats for our History class, but as I perched myself on my seat Richie came over and sat next to me. “Hey babe” he said. Babe? Since when do people call me babe? “Hey!” I replied. “Um… don’t you sit over there?” I looked across the classroom and I could feel the redness beginning to appear in my cheeks. As soon as I had said it I thought to myself, ‘Why on earth did I say that!” He looked really disappointed and said, I noticed, in a very quiet voice “Well… um… I can go and sit there if you like”. He was about to stand up but I put my hand on his arm and said, “Hey, I was only kidding! Of course I want you to sit here!” That lesson he and I got old off several times for not paying attention. We talked all lesson and occasionally gave a great outburst of laughter, at which Miss Murfen said, “So you think it’s funny that several thousand people died in The World Wars do you?”
Next was Maths. Richie was really good at maths and in a higher group than me, so instead I had to spend the lesson facing my most favourite person in the world… Mandy. The excitement of the first lesson was totally crushed by Maths. It was bad enough that Mandy was sitting with her friends all lesson pointing and sniggering, but the fact that she happened to be a favourite of the Maths teacher’s made it so much worse. To add to that, it was maths, my worst subject – and in my opinion the most boring. As far as I was concerned, as long as I could add two and two that was all I needed, not all this algebra and Pythagoras! I couldn’t wait until break time came when I could see Richie again.
The bell went for the end of the lesson, so I scribbled down the homework of the board, virtually rammed my books into my bag and set off for the lockers. I was just about to step into the corridor when I felt a sudden sharp pain on the back of my head. I immediately put my hands on the back of my head and turned around to see what had hit me. Mandy had decided it would be funny to catapult a ruler at me with an elastic band held between two tables. I tried to hold back the tears until I got out her sight. I walked into the corridor and my eyes burst, the pain in the back of my head was overwhelming. I got to the lockers and, as he had promised, Richie was waiting for me. He saw I was crying and ran over. “Hey babe what’s wrong?” he said as he put his arms around me and kissed my forehead. “I’m alright,” I said, “Just Mandy being a cow as usual. She catapulted a ruler at me”. “Right!” he said angrily as he set off down the corridor. “No Richie please, don’t, it’ll make things worse”. I explained as I pulled him back. “Ok, ok. Are you sure you’re alright?” He inspected my head and gave it a gentle kiss. We walked down the corridor hand in hand in the opposite direction to the maths rooms, outside into the courtyard. We sat down on the bench near the big oak tree and I put my head on his shoulder as he put his arm around me. As we sat there, I started to get this strange feeling inside. A nice, warm feeling. I wondered what it was, whether it was just that I felt someone loved me, or that I loved them, or just something completely different. All I knew for sure was that it was the nicest feeling I had ever experienced and I never wanted it to go away. I was so relaxed, sitting there with him, that the bell made me jump when it signalled the third lesson of the day. English was probably one of my best subjects, so I was kind of looking forward to it, but I knew Richie wasn’t in my class, which took the glory out of it. The remainder of the day went ok, Richie and me spent all of lunch together, some of it eating and the rest of it sitting on the same bench like at break time. I walked home with Bella after I said goodbye to him at school before he caught his bus home. I think Bella started to get a bit annoyed with me because I would often go off into a daze, dreaming about him whilst she was in the middle of telling me something. “Oh it was so funny in French, Matt sent this note around saying… Kat! Are you listening to me?” “Oh, sorry, go on.” It happened several times and by the time I got to my street she had given up trying to have a whole conversation with me and just walked along next to me in complete silence. As soon as I go in, I said hi to mum, ran upstairs and lay on my bed for the next hour or so, just thinking of the time I had spent with Richie. It was quite sad, really, but I couldn’t stop myself. I now treasured every moment I spent with him, every word he said to me, everything about him. I even imagined him and me getting married and having children, I started to plan out a wedding in my mind, exactly how I wanted it to be, who we would call to do the catering, where I would buy my dress from, I didn’t want to miss even any minor details. I snapped out of it when mum knocked on my door and came in. “Are you ok, darling?” she asked. “You’ve been up here for a long time.” “Yeah I’m ok thanks, just thinking.” “Ok, well tea will be ready in about half an hour” she said as she pulled my door to. I think I was becoming obsessed. Fifteen and thinking about getting married to a boy I had only really known properly for a few weeks? I really started thinking I should start to grow up a bit. I didn’t quite know why, but somehow within the next five minutes I had started to feel extremely down again, I started thinking about all the bad things in life and broke down into tears. I only cried for about 10 minutes, but why I had started to dwell at that point in time, I couldn’t, and still can’t explain.

Chapter 8 – Thinking

I woke up the next morning to the sound of my radio telling me that today would be a sunny day with hardly any clouds and temperatures reaching 25°C. “Brilliant”, I thought to myself, “That means I can spend some descent time with Richie after school”. I got ready for school and set off when Bella arrived at my house. She hardly talked all the way to school, but after last night I really wasn’t surprised she wasn’t bothering to try.
I walked into the gates and made my way over to mine and Richie’s bench where he said he would meet me. I waited all morning, but he never came. I couldn’t understand it. He seemed ok yesterday so I didn’t think he was ill, but if that was the case why hadn’t he waited for me? What had I done wrong? I tried to cast my mind away from it as I went to registration. I didn’t have any lessons with him that morning so I still didn’t know if he was at school or not by break time. When the bell went after the second lesson I went to wait at the lockers where I usually met him. After about two minutes Bella came sprinting up the corridor. When she got close enough to me she leaned against the lockers and panted, “Kat, I don’t know If it’s true but someone said that Richie has been in a car crash” I froze. I looked her in the eye and said, “Who said that?” “I don’t know,” she replied, “I just heard a group of people saying something about it”. I didn’t know what to think, but I knew what I would do. I thanked her, gave her a hug and headed off to Mr Catford’s office. When I got there it seemed as if he was expecting me. “Hello Kat,” he said as I walked in. “I am guessing you’ve come about Richie?” “Yeah,” I replied, puffing. “Look, Kat, don’t worry, he’s ok. He was kept in hospital over night just so they could keep an eye on him, but he’s not badly hurt. He may be staying in hospital a while, though, his mum isn’t good. She’s in intensive care.” I took a step backwards. “Is… is she… going to…” “The doctors don’t know yet, she’s in a critical condition.” I didn’t know what to say. I stood there for a few seconds and then asked, “Sir, can I have the last four lessons off? I wont be able to concentrate and I need to go and see him.” “Sorry, Kat, but I think it’s best you stay here. That way you can be with your friends and it might help to relax you a bit and take your mind off things, ok?” “But sir…”. He stopped me. “No, Kat. I want you to stay until after school, it will be better for you, I promise.” I looked him with a slightly disappointed face and said, “Ok, sir,” and walked out of his office. I plodded down the corridor with my head to the ground and went and sat on mine and Richie’s bench again. As I sat down I caught sight of the tree opposite, and from that moment I stared at it for at least the next five minutes, in a world of my own, until I was disturbed by the bell. As I walked to Art I was still miles away, I could hear people greeting me but I couldn’t respond, even if I tried I couldn’t get out of my own little space. All the way through Art, and then through English I felt very under the weather. Just before I left English, Mr Lockton, my English teacher, stopped me and asked if I was ok. He ended p sending me to the medical room, and there I sat staring at the same tile on the wall until Mr Catford walked in. We talked for at least the next fifteen minutes, and after that I felt a lot better, but still not myself. As soon as school finished I ran all the way home and as soon as I opened the door I yelled to mum and begged her to take me to see Richie.

Chapter 9 – Hospitalised

Mum took me to the main desk and asked if Richie Woodman was fit to see visitors. Within the next five minutes I was racing down the corridor and flung myself into his arms. “Richie! Richie! Are you ok?” I yelled. He hardly hugged me back; He just stood their looking glum. I looked round and there was his mum, laying in a room on her own with machines all around her, tubes sticking out of her body in very possible place, with the steady beat of the monitor which, for a second, was the only sound I could hear. I turned back to Richie. “Richie im sorry.” I kissed him lightly on the cheek and out my arm around him. Again he didn’t respond. We stood there for a few minutes while my mum talked to the nurse who had just left the small room. She whispered in my ear, “Darling come over here,” and as I left Richie didn’t make a move. “The nurse says he has been standing there for hours just watching. Physically he’s ok, but he is very worried about his mother. I think you need to try and talk to him, sit him down. She is in a critical condition, Kat, they don’t know if she is going to make it.” After that I went back over to Richie. “Honey, come and sit down, please?” I pleaded. He didn’t bat an eyelid. “Honey please, I want to talk to you.” I gently tugged his arm, but he shrugged me off. I tried putting my arm around him, and I think it helped because he returned the favour and I put my head on his shoulder. “Are you ok, Richie?” I asked. He shook his head morbidly, and I thought after that it was a bit of a stupid question. After a while I managed to get him to sit down, but he burst into tears. I did my best to comfort him, told him I was sure his mum would be ok, and that whatever happened I would be there to support him. After talking to the nurse, and spending about twenty minutes persuading Richie it was for the best, we took him home with us and let him stay for as long as he needed. His mum lasted the night, and the week, and unexpectedly, started to recover. As the days went by and Ritchie’s mum began to get better, he started to cheer up.
Richie wasn’t really up to going to school for a while, until his mum was in the clear. But once the doctors had said she was definitely going to be ok, I convinced him it was time he went back to school and stopped lounging around at my house all day watching television. After a lot of tugging and nagging I managed to pull him out of the front door and started walking down the street with him on the way to school. He wouldn’t have minded going back to school, but he was the type of person who doesn’t like people fussing over him all the time, and knew that people would be asking if he was ok and if he needed anything all the time, and he didn’t want that. I tried to help him, I told him to just say he was fine but needed space and I’m sure they would understand. As soon as we got into school we headed towards our bench, and on the way we passed the one and only Mandy, who I was expecting to make some sick comment, but to my surprise she just walked past waving her nose in the air and looking down at me as usual. We sat down and I immediately put my arm around Richie and he did the same, so I rested my head on his shoulder as he pulled me closer. Out of the corner of my eye I caught sight of a small group of people heading our way, and as they approached I knew what was coming. The leader of the group, a girl I knew from my old school, but in the year above us started talking before I had time to say anything. “Hey Richie, you alright? I heard about the crash! How’s your mum doing?” “Lisa, please, he needs some space, can you just leave it for now?”. “It’s ok,” Richie interrupted, “I can deal with it. Yeah she’s fine, the doctors said she’s getting better, thanks for caring, but I need time to myself.” I felt guilty for interfering, almost as if I was suggesting Richie was incapable of talking to people for himself, but I didn’t say as to make sure I didn’t make the situation worse. They chatted to him for a little longer and then drifted away from the bench. “Sorry, Kat, I know you were just trying to help, but I do have a voice of my own.” I kept apologising for the next five minutes, even though he said it was ok each time and told me not to worry about it. We spent most of the remainder of the day together, meeting at our bench at break and lunchtime, and then at the gate at the end of school to walk home together. I wanted to talk to people about how I felt about Richie, but I found it difficult to put it into words and explain how much I loved him. When I got home I found a note from mum saying that she would be late home because she was getting her hair cut and styled straight after she finished work. We decided to make the most of having the house to ourselves, and put a DVD on in the living room, and sat holding each other, kissing now and then occasionally laughing or imitating the characters. About half way through the film, I went to kiss Richie, but it turned into more than just a peck on the lips. He started moving down my body onto my chest. After a few minutes, he slowly stood up and took me by the hand, he kissed it and he started leading me towards the hall and up the stairs. He led me to my bedroom and things just led on from there. After about an hour, we heard the front door slam and rushed to make ourselves descent before I jogged downstairs and jumped the last two steps to greet mum who was already sitting down with a coffee in the kitchen. “So what have you two been up to then?” she asked, as she gave me a sarcastic look. “We just watched a film and then…” I had to think for a second, “Went upstairs and laid on my bed listening to music”. She rolled her eyes at me and took a sip of her drink. “Want one?” she said. “Um… yeah, please, ill ask Richie as well, back in a second. I ran back up the stairs and came back dragging Richie behind me, “He said yes”, I said, sticking my tongue out. Once mum had made us all drinks, we sat down at the table and talked for about an hour and a half, which I was surprised at because we don’t usually have much to say. Then the night started to darken, and we were all soon off to bed after watching our usual television programmes. As I laid in bed that night I remembered what had happened with Richie and it kept running over in my head, exactly what had happened, every move we had both made, and I fell asleep thinking about it.

Chapter 10 – Relief

It was quite lucky that Richie and me had sex when we did, as according to my calendar my period was due the next day, and after that the opportunity may not have arisen again. But I had one big problem. My period didn’t start the next day. Nor did it start the day after that, or the next week, or even the week after that. After the first week I began to get worried, and thought it was probably just the hormones, but after the second week of being late I had to tell Richie. I found it so hard to bring myself to tell him, and it was only after another week of my period not starting that I told him.
It was a Saturday morning, exactly three weeks after I was due, when I grabbed him on the way downstairs. “Richie, I need to talk to you about something”. He looked worried, but willingly let me take him to my room and sit him down on the bed. “Richie, you know what happened just over three weeks ago?” “Well, yeah…” he said, “I think something is wrong”. He just looked at me, quite taken aback. “Wh… what do you mean, “something is wrong”. What is it?” he asked. “I was due on the day after, but I still haven’t started my period yet.” He stared at me. I guess he just didn’t know what to say. “I… I…” he started, “I think we need to buy a test”, I interrupted. We decided we would leave it another week before we went into the local chemist, just in case it was a one off, but when I missed it again we decided we should, just to make sure. He wasn’t too keen on going in with me and buying a pregnancy test, so instead we walked into town the next Saturday morning and I left him waiting outside whilst I went in on my own. After I had bought it, with money we had put together, about five pounds each, we headed off to a café down the road where I could do it in the toilets, meaning we could get it out of the way and get rid of it somewhere where my mum wouldn’t find it. Other than Richie and me, nobody else knew about my scare. I didn’t see the point in telling anybody until I knew exactly what was happening, not even Bella. The two minutes I had to wait for the test to show the result were probably the longest two minutes of my life. When I finally looked at the stick to see what it had to tell me, a sudden wave of relief passed through my body. There was a thin blue line across the screen, revealing the test to be negative. I couldn’t stop myself from bursting into tears. A few moments later, after the feeling had worn off a bit and I had calmed down, I walked out to meet Richie. He saw the look on my face and must have guessed I’d got the all clear. “Oh thank god! Babe I’m so glad it’s all ok!” He strolled up to me and hugged me, squeezing me tightly and kissing me on the cheek. I went to pull away from the hug but he wouldn’t let me go. I guess he was just pleased and wanted to show me how much he cared. I kissed him on the side of the neck, as I couldn’t reach his cheek. “Richie thank you so much, for being here for me. You don’t know how grateful I am”

Chapter 11 –

Nothing much really happened in the next few weeks, apart from mum got a new boyfriend. She seemed to really like him, and I was glad she had found someone who made her happy. I hoped in time I may grow to see him as a bit of a father figure, like Mr Catford, only mum wasn’t dating my head teacher. Sorry, I haven’t explained about my dad. My mum and dad hadn’t planned to have a baby, and then when mum told dad I was pregnant he didn’t seem too happy about it. Mum thought at first it was just the shock, and he soon came round. Until the day mum went into labour. It was in the afternoon when both my parents were still at work. One of mum’s workmates called an ambulance, and once in the hospital the first thing that mum requested was that my dad was informed. Well, he came to the hospital all right, but by the time he got there I had already been born. My mum saw him look at her and me through the window, but he didn’t come in. Instead, he walked away. Neither of us ever saw him again. Mum says he was just scared of responsibility, but, of course, I blame myself. He saw me and ran a mile. Anyway, she really liked him and I was happy for her. Me and Richie were also getting along very well. We had been together for a few months and still going strong. I wasn’t looking forward to the next two weeks though, as he was going on holiday to Majorca now his mum had recovered and I wasn’t even going to be able to ring him! I could never understand why, but I had this disturbing thought in the back of my mind thinking something was going to go wrong while he was away. Maybe the plane he was on was going to crash, maybe he was going to get washed out to sea and drown, silly things like that. But probably the thing that worried me most was that he was going to find someone else and get carried away with them. I think it was just the fear of us being apart for a long while, not knowing what was happening. No, no that wasn’t going to happen. He loves me too much.
Those two weeks were probably the longest two weeks of my life, not being able to talk to the one person in this world that I really loved with everything I had. I knew he was getting back on Sunday night, but not exactly what time, so I was ringing him every 5 minutes from about six o’clock onwards. Finally, just after 8, his mum picked up.
“Hello?” She sounded out of breath, so I guessed they must have only just got in.
“Hey Sandra, can I talk to Richie please?” “Yeah, hang on, ill just get him for you”. There was only a short pause, in which I heard Sandra calling Richie from upstairs. “Hey baby!” he said excitedly, knowing it was me without being told, “How are you?! I really missed you”, “I’m fine,” I said, relieved to hear the sound of his voice again, “What about you? Did you have a good time?” “”Yeah it was really cool! We had the sea right next to us, as well as a massive heated swimming pool, and the hotel was really nice, en-suite bathrooms and everything!” “Good, I’m glad you enjoyed yourself! But… look I’m sorry, I don’t know why I need to ask this but while you were there, you didn’t get carried away with anyone did you…?” “Well, actually… I need to talk to you about that, face-to-face though, not over the phone”. My heart stopped. It couldn’t be happening. I must have jinxed it. When I thought about it. I must have jinxed it. I couldn’t believe it. “Richie no… please… tell me now. What happened?” I felt a lump suddenly reside in my throat. My stomach lurched. “Look I really didn’t want to have to tell you this over the phone but, as you asked it looks like I don’t have any other choice.” My stomach lurched again and I reached over the side of my bed to bring the bin closer to me, just in case. “There was this girl who was on holiday there too, but she wasn’t English. German. She was very good at English. Anyway, I met her in one of the restaurants, and we started talking and she was always saying really nice things to me, like I had nice eyes, a cute voice and things like that –” “Just get to the point”, I interrupted, “Well… we met on the beach that night – just as friends. We sat on the beach and she was just being really nice so I put my arm around her and she got the wrong idea and kissed me.”. There was a gap of silence. I didn’t know what to say. “Kat? I’m really sorry, Kat.” “Did you kiss her back?” “What do you mean?” “Well you said she kissed you, did you kiss her back? And was it a kiss or a snog? Did you use tongues?” “Yeah I guess I did kiss her back, and yeah it was a pull but no tongues! It didn’t mean anything to me, I swear. It was just that I was missing you and she was really nice to me, I felt… flattered! I’m really sorry I swear it didn’t mean anything. And afterwards I ran off the beach and went up to my room and sat there and cried. I felt so, so guilty.” I sat there on my bed, phone in hand, absolutely speechless. Then a tear emerged from the corner of my eye. And another. Then another. “Baby I’m sorry,” he repeated. “I wish I could say it was ok, but it’s not,” I murmured through the tears. I sat there, with a lump in my throat, my stomach churning and tears streaming from my eyes. “I thought you loved me.” That was the thought that kept going through my mind. “But Kat I do! I really do! Do you think I would have reacted like this if I didn’t? I have felt like crap ever since it happened, I just wish I could make it right”. “I don’t know If you can, though. Not now. I don’t want to talk about this on the phone. Can you come over tomorrow?”. There was a pause, then a yell, another yell from somewhere in Richie’s house, and then, “No Kat, not tomorrow, I’m sorry, but mum said I can come over on Tuesday.” “Ok, I said we will talk about this then. Usual time?” “Yeah ok. I love you Kat.” I hesitated and thought for a moment. “Do you?” “Of course I do! I promise Kat, I really do!” “I hope so”, I replied, “I’ll see you soon. I love you too.” I hung up.
I didn’t sleep too well on Sunday night; in fact I would be surprised if I even got over an hour’s sleep. Monday was hell. I went to school and talked to some of my friends about it, and Bella was a great help as usual. We talked all lunchtime about it, and I decided I was going to give him another chance. But only one. I couldn’t stand to lose Richie, apart from this; he was always so good to me. We had our ups and downs, as everyone does, but he was always so good to me. He never made me feel unwanted, and when I was with him I always felt really special, like I was the only thing that mattered. I didn’t see Richie that day. I didn’t see him walking down the corridor, in the dinner queue or even on the field. Quite lucky, really, I didn’t want to have to fight things out at school. So, Tuesday came, and again I didn’t see him all day until I went to wait at our bench to meet him after school. He came up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder before sitting down next to me in silence. I didn’t know what to say, and by the sounds of it neither did he. After a few seconds, he said “Hey babe,” and put his arm around me and kissed me on the cheek. “Hey”, I replied reluctantly. I really was lost for words. I didn’t know whether to hold him close and tell him everything would be ok or to bite his head off and yell at him, telling him how much he had hurt me and he better not do it again or else. But I looked at him in the eyes and he smiled at me. That was it, I was gone. I burst into tears and put my head on his chest as he stroked my hair and kissed me on the head. After about 5 minutes, I had calmed down, and we stood up and began to walk slowly back to my house with our arms around each other. If it weren’t for my red and blotchy eyes, anybody would think nothing had ever happened. Finally we got back to my house, got drinks and went straight up to my bedroom to talk. He sat down on the side of my bed, and I followed his lead and sat down next to him. I sighed. “Kat…” he started. I interrupted him. “I just want to know why. Just… why? If you really love me that much, why did you do it? It can’t have felt right. I would never even dream of kissing anyone else but you.”. I don’t know Kat. I really, really wish I could answer that, but I don’t know. If I could turn back time and take it back I really would, because I feel like crap because of it and I hate myself for hurting you like this.” I sighed again. So many thoughts were going through my head. “I just don’t get it! If it is hurting you like this then why didn’t you think about it before you did it? Why didn’t you think what it would do to me, and you come to that?” I just couldn’t put it all together in my mind. He said he loved me, he regretted it, wished it had never happened; but why did he do it in the first place? I just didn’t understand. We talked it over; sat there for ages; it felt like hours. After a while, we ended up lying on my bed with out arms around each other kissing. Everything was back to normal again. Well, almost. He had hurt me a lot, and I knew it would taker time for the wound to heal, but I knew in time it would get easier and we would be as strong as ever. People always say that what wont ruin us will make it’s stronger; I just had to hope it really worked like that in practice.
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Also... i would like to just enquire about something.

When i am writing stories (especially this one), i dont really have to think about what i am writing. I will sometimes stop, quickly plan out what i want to say in my head and then it just flows out of me, usually for about 500 or more words at a time!

Does anybody else have this? Is it just me? Is it normal for authors/people who write stories?

Thanks,

Asher
Hi Asher,

Yes i hav that and i write. so don't think that your paranormal!

lol

Thanx,
Som1 you'll never know. Emotion: wink
first of all i reay apreciet u for that u bring ur work for evaluation.

i can say that ur future is bright

lets go ahead, for sure u will succed.

and hope ur succec
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I wished I could write like that. You are very talented. Goodluck with everything.

Allison
I think you should take a look at this post National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) and sign up for the write a novel in a month scheme - you are already a long way there!
wow I think this is really good so far, can't wait for the next bits!!Good luck
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