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Hi,

I need you assistance fixing my sentence structure again, I don't know, I felt I could improve it but unable to retrieve better notions about it.

"As for his ideal partner, She should be around the age of 20-25 years old only.In terms of looks,she should be slim, fair and good-looking. As for her education, she should be minimum bachelor in finance or science. For the personality traits, she should be tender-hearted and family-oriented. "

Kindly do correct my sentence structure above & if you feel right, do let me know.

Thanks in Advance.

+1

"As for his ideal partner, she should be around the age of 20-25 years old only space .In terms of looks, space she should be slim, fair and good-looking. As for her education, she should be as a minimum a bachelor in finance or science. For the personality traits, she should be tender-hearted and family-oriented. no space "

________________________________________

Some edits are above.

Also, don't repeat 'as for', and don't say 'For . . . '.

Finally, consider this. If you talk eg about her education, do you really need to say 'As for her education? Isn't it obvious that you are now talking about her education?

+1

Yes, this is a little awkward and repetitive. Here is how I would word it:

As for his ideal partner, she should be in her early twenties, slim, fair, and attractive. She should be well-educated, with at least a bachelor's degree in finance or science. Finally, she should possess a tender-hearted and family-oriented personality.

Note that I am using a parallel structure (she should...she should) but I am varying the types of sentences.


I hope this helps.

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+0

Yes, this is a little awkward and repetitive. Here is how I would word it:

As for his ideal partner, she should be in her early twenties, slim, fair, and attractive. She should be well-educated, with at least a bachelor's degree in finance or science. Finally, she should possess a tender-hearted and family-oriented personality.

Note that I am using a parallel structure (she should...she should) but I am varying the types of sentences.


I hope this helps.

1 2
Comments  
Clive

"As for his ideal partner, she should be around the age of 20-25 years old only space .In terms of looks, space she should be slim, fair and good-looking. As for her education, she should be as a minimum a bachelor in finance or science. For the personality traits, she should be tender-hearted and family-oriented. no space "

________________________________________

Some edits are above.

Also, don't repeat 'as for', and don't say 'For . . . '.

Finally, consider this. If you talk eg about her education, do you really need to say 'As for her education? Isn't it obvious ht you are now talking about her education?

First of all, I'm way of touch with my grammar at present, when I wrote this, I personally felt that there were plenty of faults & many things were off to begin with, I'm glad to see where I'm reminded in my error & sentence structure. I sincerely appreciate for edits too.


Do you think, there is better way to rephrase this whole structure in terms of grammar so it would be appear more clean & project properly to reader's mind. I do apologize, I ran out of conclusions even as now. If you have better notions to make it look clean manner, feel free to correct with entire structure if possible.


Thanks again for giving your precious time & correcting me as well.

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Clive

"As for his ideal partner, she should be around the age of 20-25 years old only space .In terms of looks, space she should be slim, fair and good-looking. As for her education, she should be as a minimum a bachelor in finance or science. For the personality traits, she should be tender-hearted and family-oriented. no space "

________________________________________

Some edits are above.

Also, don't repeat 'as for', and don't say 'For . . . '.

Finally, consider this. If you talk eg about her education, do you really need to say 'As for her education? Isn't it obvious ht you are now talking about her education?

I would like to know one more point as your per suggestion for this particular part - "For...." - Does it sound rude or impolite in my statement while I'm trying to project into reader's mind. When should I use it in the right way & prefer to be polite & humble when written too.


Thanks again.

 Doctor D's reply was promoted to an answer.
 Doctor D's reply was promoted to an answer.
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Thank you.

Doctor D

Yes, this is a little awkward and repetitive. Here is how I would word it:

As for his ideal partner, she should be in her early twenties, slim, fair, and attractive. She should be well-educated, with at least a bachelor's degree in finance or science. Finally, she should possess a tender-hearted and family-oriented personality.

Note that I am using a parallel structure (she should...she should) but I am varying the types of sentences.


I hope this helps.

Would "As for his partner preference" would sound better than ideal partner or both are fine with sentence being initiated?.

I would stick with "ideal." "Pardner preference" is somewhat clumsy. You could say "The kind of woman he prefers as a partner would be..." but that is very wordy.

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