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Dear Readers,

I would really appriciate your efforts if you would read the following exerpt and correct my gramatical/sentence structure mistakes.

I intend on pursing a BS degree in the field of business administration, with emphasis in finance. My interest in this field developed at the age of eighteen, when I started working at Walgreens as the head cashier. Everyday, I used to separate cash, check, debit and credit transactions and used to submit a final balanced worksheet. I had grasped the fundamentals of money and was ready for something more challenging. Upon completion of my military financial management course, I was stationed at Travis Airbase where each team had their own responsibilities towards a collaborative mission. I have worked in many sections to include Accounts Payable, Accounts Receivable, Customer Relations, Military/Retiree Pay, and budget. As a certifying official, I was responsible for a monthly disbursement of over $3M in public funds. In addition, I was liable for cash collections that exceeded $600K/month.

I desire to study business administration/finance because my inner passion comes out in this field. I sense your program offers a rigorous and challenging experience, which polishes students with “ready for MBA” paint. I also believe that your curriculum will strength my critical thinking, management, and organizational skills, which are very important for a MBA, after my BA.

Thank You all soo much,

~God Bless!
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Hi Akki,

I've treid to keep to your words, but I have made some changes, and I have re-organized this a bit. Good luck with it.

Best wishes, Clive

I intend on pursing a BS (BSc. ?) degree in the field of business administration, with emphasis in finance.

My interest in this field developed at the age of eighteen, when I started working at a branch of Walgreens as the head cashier. Every day, I handled cash, check, debit and credit transactions, and prepared a final balance worksheet. Soon, I had grasped the fundamentals of money and was ready for something more challenging. I entered the military, and embarked on a military financial management course. I was stationed at Travis Airbase ,where each team had their own responsibilities towards a collaborative mission. I worked in many sections, including Accounts Payable, Accounts Receivable, Customer Relations, Military/Retiree Pay, and budget. As a certifying official, I was responsible for a monthly disbursement of over $3M in public funds. In addition, I was liable for cash collections that exceeded $600K/month.

I wish to study business administration/finance because my inner passion comes out in this field. I sense your program offers a rigorous and challenging experience, which covers students with “ready for MBA” paint. I also believe that your curriculum will strength my critical thinking, management, and organizational skills, all of which are very important for a subsequent MBA.
Niceeeee....You are awesome. Will you mind reading the other part of this personal statement? I am soo appriciative of your generosity. You have no idea. I have mad respect for you!
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Hi,

Yes, I certainly think that the few people who respect me are probably mad. Emotion: smile

Sure, go ahead and post your other part.

Best wishes again, Clive
Emotion: big smile
I have e-mailed it to you. I didn't feel comfortable enough to post it on here. Hope you get it!
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Hey Clive,

Did you ever receive my e-mail?

Regards,

~Akki
Hi Akki,

I'm happy to help you, but I prefer to do it via the public forum. That way, other people get a chance to learn by reading what is going on.

Is it possible for you to delete or change, a little, any parts that make you uncomfortable, and then post it here?

Best wishes, Clive
Absolutely! Here it is. I havent changed anything at all.

I consider myself an extraordinary creature/character. I am an exceptionally well rounded, highly ambitious, extremely religious, and a cultured individual (icon) with a mind-blowing sense of humor. I further possess a rather intriguing personality with a subtle touch of mystery. My dearest friends proclaim that I am a blended mix of integrity, self moral, inspiration, kindheartedness, and hard work. Yet, I regard myself to be a pure breed of excellence. My experiences have significantly (vastly) varied over time, as I have accomplished a lot within the past twenty-one years of my life.

I am often found getting my Arnold Schwarzenegger look on at the gym or flirting with (the) numerous women at a nearby club. I have experienced the humble pleasure of starting on my school’s varsity football team, the pain of an extra push-up at boot camp, the sensuous love of a woman, and the honor of meeting our respected president. I had once juggled 5 classes (worth a total of/tallying) 17 semester units, and simultaneously served our country at war. Through my gifted abilities, I have competed for the active duty financial management airman of the year, across the entire Air Mobility Command (1/5 of the US Air Force) and have further earned an associate’s degree in the field of financial management. Even amidst times of greatest difficulties, I have proven to luster just like a diamond necklace around the neck of a beautiful woman.

There once arose an incredibly tormenting time in my life. Hurricane Katrina had demolished most of the gulf coast, and I was tasked with a deployment to assist with the aftermath. I was prepared and willing to go, yet there was an obstacle; I was(concurrently/simultaneously) enrolled in 3 classes at Solano Community College. Life had brought me to the decision table. Choosing between fulfilling my military oath and chasing my dream of getting a college education was indeed, one of the most intricate decisions that I have ever made. Time appeared to be unjust, as I packed my belongings and flew with a C-5 air crew for a three week deployment. In actuality, I wanted to stay back and concentrate on my studies. However, my core values did not permit me to stay back during such a national crisis.

I often studied during my free time, and met my homework deadlines via e-mail. I further made use of FedEx to mail one of my projects to my nutrition teacher. Boy, I had never appreciated FedEx this highly ever in my past. Nevertheless, my primary goal was the mission and that was exactly what I did. I assisted the Mississippi guardsmen and the Federal Emergency Management officials with distribution of over 15,000 meals and medical supplies to the victims of Hurricane Katrina. In addition, I tore down dry walls, applied the use of a sledge hammer, and learnt to operate a forklift. I worked long days and studies even longer nights. The disaster is long gone; however, it’s demise gave birth to a new wisdom towards life.

I am a proud and somewhat amazed at my own will power and abilities. I have developed this super hero type/style of image and believe that nothing is impossible. Critics say I am crazy, as I’ve achieved such/much success outside of my military career. Nonetheless, their perspectives serve as a motivation towards new and exciting challenges in life. I’ve done everything that a full time college student would have done and have simultaneously worked 50+ hours a week on the side for the past 3 years. After I conclude my military service in the air force, I desire to continue my endless passion for learning.

Thank you once again Clive...

~Akki
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