Hi, I would like to improve on my letter. This letter is to a pastry shop owner, who isn't pleased with the comments on the my blog. I'm trying to resolve this dispute, as best as i can. Where can I improve? How do I sound convincing, persuasive yet firm. Should there be any change of words? Particularly in, "By resolving this dispute, I like to present two options", is option a right word to use here? Thanks for the help.

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Dear Ms. June Lee:

First and foremost – I have to proclaim my love for pastry and desert. There is nothing like gorging myself with a bowl of Mango Sorbet, getting all those calories to raise my endorphins. I apologize if I had offended you with those comments left on my blog - Food Siren II. I hope you can understand that this feedback serves as a benefit to you and your business.

The post on Foodie will not be removed since nothing I mentioned was derogatory, nor was there any malicious intent to discourage readers from patronizing your shop. On the left side of my blog, there is a disclaimer that says all comments are based on personal preference. This blog has no intention of influencing the decision of others, wherein all readers will exercise their own judgement.

By resolving this dispute, I like to present two options: The first option is to seek a friend, a renowned pâtissier, to review your recipe and offer some tips to refine your recipe. This will allow you to enhance your recipe, and retain customers, which will boost your sales. The second option will to offer you a prize-winning xxpastry recipe that will bring your company to greater heights.

I apologize for the difficulties you have experienced. I have no intention of defaming your pastry shop. If you would like to arrange to speak in me in person, please call me directly at [mobile number]. I will be happy to arrange a session for you to meet the renowned pâtissier to exchange pointers. Last, I would hope that you view this as an opportunity to enhance your recipe and continue to offer good food to people. I wish you all the best in your future endeavours.
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Hi,

I would like to improve on my letter. This letter is to a pastry shop owner, who isn't pleased with the comments on the my blog. I'm trying to resolve this dispute, as best as i can. Where can I improve? How do I sound convincing, persuasive yet firm. What do you mean by 'convincing' and 'pesuasive'?

To be truthful with you, the main tone of this letter seems to me to be supercilious, bordering on arrogant.

Should there be any change of words? Particularly in, "By resolving this dispute, I like to present two options", is option a right word to use here? Thanks for the help.

Dear Ms. June Lee:

First and foremost – I have to proclaim my love for pastry and dessert. There is nothing like gorging myself with a bowl of Mango Sorbet, getting all those calories to raise my endorphins. I apologize if I have offended you with those comments left on my blog - Food Siren II. I hope you can understand that this feedback serves as a benefit to you and your business. I'm sure she doesn't agree with you. Can you explain what you mean?

The post on Foodie will not be removed since nothing I mentioned was derogatory, nor was there any malicious intent to discourage readers from patronizing your shop. On the left side of my blog, there is a disclaimer that says all comments are based on personal preference. This blog has no intention of influencing the decision of others, wherein all readers will exercise their own judgement. Yet you just said it will benefit 'my' business. ???

By resolving this dispute, I like to present two options: The first option is to seek a friend, a renowned pâtissier, to review your recipe and offer some tips to refine your recipe. This will allow you to enhance your recipe, and retain customers, which will boost your sales. The second option will to offer you a prize-winning xxpastry recipe that will bring your company to greater heights.

You should just 'suggest' these options. It's not up to you to simply 'present' them, as if "I" have to agree with you. You also seem to be telling "me" that you know better than I do what will be good for my business. You also seem to be telling me that my recipe is a poor one. These remarks offend 'me'.

I apologize for the difficulties you have experienced. I have no intention of defaming your pastry shop. If you would like to arrange to speak in me in person, please call me directly at [mobile number]. <<< This is a very superior and peremptory tone. It suggest that you are important and "I" am not. I will be happy to arrange a session for you to meet the renowned pâtissier to exchange pointers. Last, I would hope that you view this as an opportunity to enhance your recipe and continue to offer good food to people. I wish you all the best in your future endeavours.

My suggestion is that you should revise the tone of all this, as I have suggested. You may not agree with me.

Best wishes, Clive
Thanks for being truthful, that's just what i needed.

I don't want to sound too arrogant, but slightly firm on my stand that i will not remove my post.

What do you mean by 'convincing' and 'persuasive'?
Since i have no intention of removing the post, i hope to convince her that if this is seen in another light, it could be a benefit to her. When she knows the root cause of the customer's displeasure, she can work on it to improve, and this will only serve to improve her business. This is my stance on not removing the post.

I hope you can understand that this feedback serves as a benefit to you and your business. I'm sure she doesn't agree with you. Can you explain what you mean?

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Reviews are meant to encourage restaurants to improve, and knowing what the cause of the customer's displeasure, will she then be able to improve.
You also seem to be telling me that my recipe is a poor one. These remarks offend 'me'.

Can i lower my tone, but still provide two suggestions? I believe that giving her a choice, will be better than not providing alternative if she doesn't like the one option that is given. Hopefully, she can see this as an opportunity to improve.

If you would like to arrange to speak in me in person, please call me directly at [mobile number]. <<< This is a very superior and peremptory tone. It suggest that you are important and "I" am not.
I would like to leave my contact number, as i dont want to be seen irresponsible, and still be able to face up to the music. How should i refine my tone?
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Hi,

Dear Ms. June Lee:

First and foremost – I have to proclaim my love for pastry and desert. There is nothing like gorging myself with a bowl of Mango Sorbet, getting all those calories to raise my endorphins. I apologize if I had offended you with those comments left on my blog - Food Siren II. I hope you can understand that I hope this feedback may serve as a benefit to you and your business. Try not to state your opinions as facts,. Say things like 'I hope', 'I would like', 'I think', I suggest'.

The post on Foodie will not be removed ( I prefer not to remove . . . ) since nothing I mentioned was derogatory, nor was there any malicious intent to discourage readers from patronizing your shop. On the left side of my blog, there is a disclaimer that says all comments are based on personal preference. This blog has no intention of influencing the decision of others, wherein all readers will exercise their own judgement.

To resolve this dispute, I would like to suggest two options for your consideration. The first option is to seek a friend, a renowned pâtissier, to review your recipe and offer some tips to refine your recipe. This will allow you to enhance your recipe, and retain customers, which will boost your sales. The second option will to offer you a prize-winning xxpastry recipe that will bring your company to greater heights. This whole paragraph, and in particular the offer to bring in your expert, just seems insulting and condescending to me. If I were you, I would just drop this whole idea.

ie say you apologize for the fuss, say you won't drop the review, and say you're available if they want to talk further.

Offering these options just makes matters worse, in my opinion.

In my local newspaper, restaurant reviewers simply don't respond to complaints or criticism, and they certainly don't offer to bring in so-called experts.

I apologize for the difficulties you have experienced. I have no intention of defaming your pastry shop. I would be happy to discuss this matter further with you. I can be reached at [mobile number]. I will be happy to arrange a session for you to meet the renowned pâtissier to exchange pointers. Last, I would hope that you view this as an opportunity to enhance your recipe and continue to offer good food to people. I wish you all the best in your future endeavours.

If you want to revise this, just post it again for review if you want to. But please try to avoid the host of edit symbols that are cluttering up your posts.

Clive.
I have taken your points into consideration. Hope the 2 options do not come off as arrogant this time round.

First and foremost – I have to proclaim my love for pastry and desert. There is nothing like gorging myself with a bowl of Mango Sorbet, getting all those calories to raise my endorphins. I apologize if I had offended you with those comments left on my blog - Food Siren II. I hope this feedback may serve as a benefit to you and your business – by identifying customer’s displeasure and improve.

I prefer not to remove the post on Foodie since nothing I posted can be construed as libel, nor was there any malicious intent to discourage readers from patronizing your shop. On the left side of my blog, there is a disclaimer that says all comments are based on personal preference. This blog has no intention of influencing the decision of others, since all readers will exercise their own judgment.

To resolve this dispute, I would like to suggest two options for your consideration. The first option is to seek a friend, a renowned pâtissier, to share with you some of his winning pastry recipes which you can archive to your recipe book. The second option will be to do a restaurant tasting by the renowned pâtissier, where it will create some form of publicity for your shop.

I apologize for the difficulties you have experienced. Those comments were made without malice, and I seek for your understanding. I would be happy to discuss this matter further with you, and I can be reached at [mobile number]. I wish you all the best in your future endeavours.
I have taken your points into consideration. Hope these 2 options do not come off as arrogant this time round.

First and foremost – I have to proclaim my love for pastry and desert. There is nothing like gorging myself with a bowl of Mango Sorbet, getting all those calories to raise my endorphins. I apologize if I had offended you with those comments left on my blog - Food Siren II. I hope this feedback may serve to help you identifying customer’s displeasure and improve.

I prefer not to remove the post on Foodie since nothing I posted can be construed as libel, nor was there any malicious intent to discourage readers from patronizing your shop. On the left side of my blog, there is a disclaimer that says all comments are based on personal preference. This blog has no intention of influencing the decision of others, since all readers will exercise their own judgment.

To resolve this dispute, I would like to suggest two options for your consideration. The first option is to seek a friend, a renowned pâtissier, to share with you some of his winning pastry recipes which you can archive to your recipe book. The second option will be to do a restaurant tasting by the renowned pâtissier, where it will create some form of publicity for your shop.

I apologize for the difficulties you have experienced. Those comments were made without malice, and I seek for your understanding. I would be happy to discuss this matter further with you, and I can be reached at [mobile number]. I wish you all the best in your future endeavours.
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