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Is this bette than the first one? Please comment.......

RE: SPECIAL OFFER ON SPECIFIC ITEMS

Greetings from ABC!

First of all, I would like to extend my gratitude for your valuable supports on our products. It is our company aim to work hard towards providing the best quality of product to the customers' entire satisfaction.

We are pleased to have maintained a goodwill relationship with your esteemed company after years in the business. As a token of appreciation, we are giving you special discount on certain items purchased from our company. It is also agreeable the amount of discount would be depending on the quantity of order made with our company for the sake of mutual benefit in long term. We hope our offer meet your contentment.

However, I am regret to tell that we can not afford to give discount on items that we only charge on the manufacturing cost. Items like THL etc. This is because the production cost incurred for manufacturing these products is rather high as a result of increasing prices of gas fuel, labor cost and rental. We hope you will understand our dilemma over this issue.

We are appreciative of XYZ for being a loyal customer to my company for years and we take pride in assuring only the best quality of products from our company.

We hope you will continue to favor us with your generous support. Thanks.

Comments  
Anyone would like comment on this please?
To me, it is a good business letter. I like it. It is like those letters sometimes I read from adverstiment or soliciting.

It is our company GOAL to work hard towards providing the best quality of product S to the customers' entire satisfaction.

As a token of appreciation, we are giving you special discount on certain items purchased ( delete the word purchased)from our company. I dont think you need the word " purchased " here.

It is also agreeable the amount of discount would be depending on the quantity of order made with our company for the sake of mutual benefit in long term. I dont like the word " agreeable " and " for the sake........long term " It seems to me not natural.

I am regret to tell YOU.

However, I ( delete the word am ) regret to tell you that we can not afford to give discount on products based on the manufacturing cost. ( If I change that, it seems to make me that doenst makes sense for the following sentences ) Items like THL etc. This is because the production cost incurred for manufacturing these products is rather high as a result of increasing prices of gas fuel, labor cost and rental. We hope you will understand our dilemma over this issue.

This paragrph tells me that your company makes products.In order to make a product you need gas, labor cost. It seems to me you company is a factory. I think your business letter is fine except the above paragraph.

Even though I have no background what the letter is, I can understand it. But the above paragraph seems bothering me.

It seemed to me that you said you cannot give discount from the product that you just made because of the indirect and direct coust such as labor, rent , electrcity and other stuff. If you give discount, you dont earn profit at all. Moreover, you lose money.
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JoevieeIs this bette than the first one? Please comment.......

RE: SPECIAL OFFER ON SPECIFIC ITEMS

Greetings from ABC!

First of all, I would like to extend my gratitude for your valuable supports on our products. It is our company aim to work hard towards providing the best quality of product to the customers' entire satisfaction.

We are pleased to have maintained a goodwill relationship with your esteemed company after years in the business. As a token of appreciation, we are giving you special discount on certain items purchased from our company. It is also agreeable the amount of discount would be depending on the quantity of order made with our company for the sake of mutual benefit in long term. We hope our offer meet your contentment.

However, I am regret to tell that we can not afford to give discount on items that we only charge on the manufacturing cost. Items like THL etc. This is because the production cost incurred for manufacturing these products is rather high as a result of increasing prices of gas fuel, labor cost and rental. We hope you will understand our dilemma over this issue.

We are appreciative of XYZ for being a loyal customer to my company for years and we take pride in assuring only the best quality of products from our company.

We hope you will continue to favor us with your generous support. Thanks.

Joe,

Overall, this is an ok letter, not great. Word choice needs to be refined. To me it’s a bit too wordy. Phrases like “first of all”, “however” etc. create a tone of burden and I personally think should be kept our of a business letter intending to carry a positive message. If you don't mind, I’ve highlighted the words which are too big, misused or sounding odd for your reference.

First of all, I would like to extend my gratitude for your valuable supports on our products. It is our company's aim (try: or to provide….) to work hard towards providing the best quality of product and complete to the customer entire satisfaction.

We are extremely pleased to have developed and maintained a goodwill relationship with your esteemed company (over the years) after years in the business. As a token of appreciation, we are giving (Our company is offering) you special discounts on certain items purchased from our company and bulk discount depending on the quantity. It is also agreeable the amount of discount would be depending on the quantity of order made with our company for the sake of mutual benefit in long term. We hope both companies find satisfaction in our business partnership. Regretfully, like many companies, ours is also facing increasing fuel cost and inflationary dilemma and thus not able to offer further discounts on product below our manufacturing cost.

Just my 2-cent worth of opinion.....
Thanks for the replies.....unfortunately i have already emailed this letter to my client in USA yesterday as the replies came in late:(

I really hope my client is okie with it as this is only my first email correspondence with him and am afraid this would give him a bad image of me being a asst marcom manager in my company.

Just a personal question here, if you are an American, how would you react after reading my letter?.....