Please correct my essay and give me the band score if possible. I am really appreciate that.

The number of youngsters who play computer games has been increasing in recent years. Although playing games on a computer has a negative influence on people’s health, it provides players with practical skills which are valuable in real life.

On the one hand, there are various drawbacks of playing computer games, one of which is that it has detrimental effects on young adults’ health. To be more specific, due to its few body movement requirements, and its attractive graphic design, most adolescents, who have not been able to control their time logically, get addicted to it, and have a tendency to sit in one place over a long period of time. As a result of this sedentary lifestyle, it is more likely for them to encounter serious health problems such as obesity, diabetes, high blood pressure, depression, or even certain types of cancer. For example, a recent study in 2019 from Hanoi University of Medicine and Pharmacy on two thousand students aged from 6 to 20 revealed that among 10 children who are struggling with obesity, 6 of them were said to play games on a daily basis.

On the other hand, playing PC games equips young adults with a wide range of practical skills. In other words, these games require players with multi-tasking skills such as hand’s flexibility, quick observation, or making analysis and decisions, which are essential and beneficial for future employees in the workplace. For instance, before becoming a millionaire, Mark Zuckerberg used to be a student who was addicted to computer games. However, he stated that thanks to those skills he learned from playing games, he finally came up with an idea of creating Facebook, which is one of the most popular social network platforms these days.

In conclusion, while computer games have a bad effect on young people’s health, they allow youngsters to develop multitasking skills.

(311 words)

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Subject: Please review my IELTS essay

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My essay:

(Your text here...)
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N owadays more and more young people play computer games. What are the advantages and disadvantages?

My essay:

The number of youngsters who play computer games has been increasing in recent years. Although playing games on a computer has a negative influence on people’s health, it provides players with practical skills which are valuable in real life.

On the one hand, there are various drawbacks of playing computer games, one of which is that it has detrimental effects on young adults’ health. To be more specific, due to its few body movement requirements, and its attractive graphic design, most adolescents, who have not been able to control their time logically, get addicted to it, and have a tendency to sit in one place over a long period of time. As a result of this sedentary lifestyle, it is more likely for them to encounter serious health problems such as obesity, diabetes, high blood pressure, depression, or even certain types of cancer. For example, a recent study in 2019 from Hanoi University of Medicine and Pharmacy on two thousand students aged from 6 to 20 revealed that among 10 children who are struggling with obesity, 6 of them were said to play games on a daily basis.

On the other hand, playing PC games equips young adults with a wide range of practical skills. In other words, these games require players with multi-tasking skills such as hand’s flexibility, quick observation, or making analysis and decisions, which are essential and beneficial for future employees in the workplace. For instance, before becoming a millionaire, Mark Zuckerberg used to be a student who was addicted to computer games. However, he stated that thanks to those skills he learned from playing games, he finally came up with an idea of creating Facebook, which is one of the most popular social network platforms these days.

In conclusion, while computer games have a bad effect on young people’s health, they allow youngsters to develop multitasking skills.

(311 words)

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The number of youngsters (The topic is for young people, which includes teenagers and adults. Youngsters is a much younger group.) who play computer games has been increasing in recent years. Although playing games on a computer it has a negative influence on people’s health, it provides players with practical skills which are valuable in real life.

On the one hand, there are various drawbacks of playing computer games, one of which is that it has detrimental effects on young adults(They are not "youngsters") health. To be more specific, due to its few body movement requirements, (awkward) and its attractive graphic design, most adolescents, (Why do you keep changing the group of people that you are writing about? ) who have not been are not able to control their time logically, get addicted to it, and have a tendency to sit in one place over a long period of time. As a result of this sedentary lifestyle, it is more likely for them to encounter serious health problems such as obesity, diabetes, high blood pressure, depression, or even certain types of cancer. For example, a recent study in 2019 from Hanoi University of Medicine and Pharmacy on two thousand students aged from 6 to 20 revealed that among the 10 children who are struggling with obesity, 6 of them were said to play games on a daily basis.

On the other hand, playing PC these games equips young adults with a wide range of practical skills. In other words, these games winning or scoring high requires players to develop with multi-tasking skills such as hand’s flexibility, dexterity, quick observation, or making analysis and decisions, which are essential and beneficial for future employees in the workplace. For instance, before becoming a millionaire, Mark Zuckerberg used to be was a student who was addicted to computer games. However, he stated that thanks to those skills he learned from playing games, he finally came up with the an idea of creating Facebook, which is one of the most popular social network platforms these days.

In conclusion, while computer games have a bad effect on young people’s health, they allow them youngsters to develop multitasking skills.


Youngsters are pre-teenagers, aged about 7-12. Otherwise "youngster" is a very casual expression for the youngest on the team or in a group, which can be of any age bracket. It is not appropriate for a formal essay.

thank you for your comments.

could you recommend any synonyms for "young people"? can I use "juveniles", "the young generation", "young individuals"?

The synonyms are all different age groups. Juveniles are immature people. Teenagers are aged 13-19.

To be coherent and consistent while avoiding repetition, learn to use pronouns effectively.

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